I know nothing...

[Oldvine]

I'm sorry but I can't believe that you really are so clueless that you don't know that butter comes as a solid. That would lead a person to believe that you don't even know how to add butter to pancake that has been placed in front of you and that someone has already melted the butter for you. If that's the case, you really need to relax and look around to see what is available to you and let common sense suggest what you do, in fact, know but are refusing to recognize.
Just like a covering a garbage can, you cover a pot with a lid. Your kids don't need you fooling around with an indoor grill right now. Stick with the can opener and get out the instruction book for the microwave. Line up a row of cereal boxes and keep plenty of milk in the fridge. When you've mastered that, start on the stove burners. Watch the pots and pans to make sure you don't set the house on fire. Good luck.

 

[RPCookin]

All right,

I appreciate the eggs suggestion as well (that's gonna be messy but it makes sense). I have hope now that I might be able to figure out enough to keep us from starving anyway. If I do have to be Mr. Mom I'm sure I'll be back on here a lot. In the meantime, I think I've got a better grasp at least on what homework I can do before then. Thanks for all of your help.

One of the first things you need to learn is that cooks make messes, and they then clean up those messes. As you get more experience, your messes will be smaller, you will learn to clean as you go when there is a pause in the cooking process, and the messes will become manageable.

Also keep in mind that everyone who cooks started somewhere. None of us was born a chef. We all had to learn how to crack an egg. In fact I thought that I had learned it many years ago, then I took a cooking class 12 years ago and found out that my mother taught me wrong. Go figure.

Basic cooking is simply knowing a few basic processes. Once you have made a roasted chicken, you can apply that knowledge to doing a pork roast. Or a beef roast. The fundamentals are the same, temperature, cooking time, seasonings may change slightly, but that's what recipes are for. They tell you how to modify what you did with the chicken to make it work for pork. Once you get a handle on the terminology, the rest is just following directions.

As you have already found out, Google is your friend in cooking as in so many other things. I can't imagine many things you need to know for family cooking that can't be covered in a Google search. I Google something home related, whether cooking or handyman or whatever at least a couple of times a day.

Lastly come around any time you run into a conundrum in your journey. There are lots of really knowledgeable folks here who love to help out. Just keep asking questions and we will do our level best to give answers you can work with.

 

[buckytom]

some really great info and a few justifiably snarky or doubtful comments.

ball's in your court, dad.

 

[Cheryl J]

I was a little surprised by some of what CluelessDad said too, but was giving him the benefit of the doubt...

 

[Caslon]

Make what seems like a big deal done right and congratulate yourself, then do it again, only make it more a regular thing than a big deal. I found that helped me when repeating a dish when I'm not in the mood to make it a "big deal". I made myself regard it and approach it as an everyday thing. That really helped me in my approach to cooking.

 

[Cooking Goddess]

...Regarding ovens: I don't know what a broiler is. My oven doesn't have numbers, on the knobs for the top part, just "High" and "Low." Nothing says "Bake" that I can see but the center knob does have temperature settings. It's a gas oven and I need to make the top burners click for a minute before I get fire. I can't seem to make the bottom part click. I'm not sure if I need to or if it has a pilot light - I'll ask, later....

Welcome CluelessDad. Nothing better than a challenge for both you and us! Lucky you, DC is full of people who like to tell you how to do stuff. Most of it is extremely helpful too.

IF you haven't figured out your oven/broiler yet AND you haven't found the owner's manual stuffed into a drawer somewhere (or online, almost all manufacturers have them online anymore), take a photo with your camera and post it here. It's likely someone has something similar and they can walk you through it.

Finally, as long as none of you have peanut allergies, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches are lifesavers. If the kiddos like and eat PB, you an also smear it on apple slices, Ritz-type crackers, banana pieces - all sorts of options to quiet their grumbly bellies and provide decent nutrition. Good luck, and don't hesitate to ask for help. And more help. Eventually, you'll look back on your initial post and say "that was ME???".

 

[CluelessDad]

I am overwhelmed by the help you guys have offered here. I'm generally cynical so I don't mind the snarky comments.
Oldvine, I knew butter came as a solid in a tub but not that it came as a stick. I had never given thought to how it might be measured but inches didn't seem right - I am that clueless.

So here's the update: I used up about three dozen eggs and have not mastered cracking the shell without breaking the membrane but I have now learned that I can crack it on the table rather than the bowl and saves me from having to pick shells out (mostly).

My wife says I have represented her unfairly and I should clarify that she is willing to help. She helped me make scrambled eggs. Unfortunately her instructions included using "the right amount" of milk, salt and pepper and that's probably why my kids didn't like them (I thought they tasted OK but that was definitely a minority opinion) but they weren't burnt and they looked like scrambled eggs anyway.

I didn't use the whole 3 doz. on the scrambled eggs. I also tried an omelet. To the everlasting surprise of my family, I was able (after several attempts that looked more like my scrambled eggs) to make an omelet that not only tasted good but was even more omelet-shaped (if that makes sense) than she makes. I made 3 of these and feel pretty confident. For the record, she now believes I am likely the only person on the planet who can make an omelet more successfully than I can make scrambled eggs.

 

[GotGarlic]

Hi, Dad. Glad to hear you're making progress

Here's another resource that might be helpful. A site called The Kitchn just started a series of online cooking classes - one for each day from Oct. 6-31. For each topic, there's a short reading, a video, tips and several options for homework for practicing the skills. (They're also promoting their book with this, so they're encouraging people to take pictures, etc. - ignore that part ).

Scroll down and you'll see the list of lessons. You can click on the ones they've already posted.
The Kitchn's Cooking School | The Kitchn

 

[GotGarlic]

My wife says I have represented her unfairly and I should clarify that she is willing to help. She helped me make scrambled eggs. Unfortunately her instructions included using "the right amount" of milk, salt and pepper and that's probably why my kids didn't like them (I thought they tasted OK but that was definitely a minority opinion) but they weren't burnt and they looked like scrambled eggs anyway.

When someone gives you vague directions, like "the right amount" or "season to taste," ask, "How much should I start with?" You can always add more, but you can't take it out.

 

[CluelessDad]

Well if that wasn't a timely find, I don't know what is.

I'm surprised by the technique shown for using a kitchen knife. It's pretty much the way I've taught people NOT to use a hammer.

 

[Roll_Bones]

Ask your wife how she managed!

 

[menumaker]

Clueless Dad HI,
Don't ask your wife, it's like trying to teach a partner to drive. It just doesn't work. Cookbooks will frighten the life out of you with all those 'Oh so perfect pictures' of oh so perfect food.
As you have joined this forum I am guessing that you do have a clue about finding your way around a computer so make youtube your friend and also dummy.com - dummy Resources and Information. This website is for sale!.
Sit down with a cup of your favorite tea/coffee and write a list for us here of 3 breakfast choices, 3 lunch choices and 3 dinner choices that you would LIKE to cook. Keep it simple, we are not talking gourmet dishes just now . When we have specifics we can help you, support you and take you through step by step if you need that. I think I talk for most of us here in saying that. No question is stupid. NOT asking is stupid. Finally, borrow an older lady (neighbour or friend) who has done this for years and get her to show you what is what in the kitchen Get your eldest child to show you how to work the microwave. I did when I bought my first one and was scared to even start it . My daughter pricked a potato, put it in, turned a dial and it 'cooked' She was 12yrs. I was 38yrs. So, we had jacket potatoes with butter and cheese that night. We ate and she gave me the confidence I needed. Call in the favor, it's your turn Oh, and smile....you are not going to starve OK?

 

[CluelessDad]

Hmmm... 3 meal choices...

Breakfast:
Pancakes
Bacon
Sausage

Lunch:
Mac N Cheese (I've followed the directions on the box and my kids still tell me mom's tastes better - no idea what I'm doing wrong here)
Any kind of soup - Ok, probably not something with a lot of veggies or my kids will complain even if I get it right
Any kind of sandwich besides PB & J (even I can do that one).

Dinner
Someone said meatloaf is easy - it doesn't look like it'd be easy but if it is, I'll try
Potatoes - we usually eat them mashed or cheesy, I'd be happy with most anything here as I long as I can get it past the kid test.
Meatballs - My spaghetti skills are right up there with Mac N Cheese but it seems like one shouldn't be too much different than the other so I'd love to make meatballs with it.

 

[jennyema]

Omelettes are hard! Much harder than scrambling or frying an egg.

Congratulations.

Regular butter doesn't usually come in tubs. That's "spread" which is usually made from vegetable oil or a oil/butter blend. Or whipped butter. They have water and/or air added. See here: Is It a Butter, Margarine or Spread? They Are Not Created Equal. | Land O'Lakes

Real butter usually comes in quarter pound sticks or one pound blocks. I recommend always using real butter unless there is a reason to use margarine or a spread.

Frozen vegetables are a much better choice than canned. They are usually just as nutritious as fresh and are very easy to use.

Ground meat (beef, chicken, turkey) is very versatile and easy to work with. Think burgers, meatloaf, tacos, spaghetti, "beefaroni," chili....


A package of pita bread or flatbread, tomato sauce, shredded cheese, some veggies and or meats like pepperoni, ham or hamburger = make it yourself pizza dinner. Assemble and bake in the oven till hot and bubbly.

 

[Janet H]

More thoughts about cooking for your kids... You said there were 5 of them? They (at least the older ones) need to learn cooking basics as well.

Explore what they might like to undertake - even if it's chocolate chip cookies or a brownie mix. Making a box of brownies is a good experience and fairly simple. Cracking an egg, stirring, learning to time your baking, wash up, etc - all useful skills to take to more complex cooking projects. Best of all they will have fun.

I grew up with a pile of brothers. My mom made sure that we all had basic cooking skills and I did the same with my kid. We all eat; we all cook. Cooking is a life skill just the same way using a gas pump or a phone is.

A five year old should be able to make a PPJ with a little help opening jars.
A seven year old can make a box of brownies with a little help and an adult manning the oven. Kids around 11 are old enough to use the stove without too much supervision and by 13 can be on their own with appliances (and training).

You might make this a family project. Consider offering to "allow" each one to make one dish of their choosing. It can be a Saturday afternoon project or an after dinner thing. Do each kid separately and let them choose the thing that resonates with them. You can stop the cycle of kitchen cluelessness and enlist some help as well. Learn with them.

Get to work and remember that this can be fun.

 

[menumaker]

Hi Clueless it's me again.
Because of the time differences between you and me, I'm off to bed now but i will get back to you tomorrow. In the meantime you must know that to help you the advice may sound patronising but it is not meant to offend so go with it in the spirit that is intended.
Breakfasts; pancakes, sausages, bacon.
First of all, Sausages
turn on your oven to the lowest heat setting. Put a shallow pan on the hob with a dash of oil and heat gently. Cook your sausages gently, turning so that they brown all over and then prick with a fork. If the juices run clearish transfer to a heatproof dish and put in the now warm oven to rest while you do the next task. otherwise, cook a bit longer. No big deal. Cook your bacon in the sausage fat until browning a bit and then transfer that to the oven with your sausages.
Now, the tricky bit. My idea of pancakes is different I think to yours over the pond so does anyone else want to take over for me please and give Clueless a hand with his pancakes.
That will be breakfast done and dusted.
Tomorrow we'll tackle lunches. I'm hoping that some of you will jump in here and join me in getting Clueless started??

 

[RPCookin]

Hmmm... 3 meal choices...

Breakfast:
Pancakes
Bacon
Sausage

Lunch:
Mac N Cheese (I've followed the directions on the box and my kids still tell me mom's tastes better - no idea what I'm doing wrong here)
Any kind of soup - Ok, probably not something with a lot of veggies or my kids will complain even if I get it right
Any kind of sandwich besides PB & J (even I can do that one).

Dinner
Someone said meatloaf is easy - it doesn't look like it'd be easy but if it is, I'll try
Potatoes - we usually eat them mashed or cheesy, I'd be happy with most anything here as I long as I can get it past the kid test.
Meatballs - My spaghetti skills are right up there with Mac N Cheese but it seems like one shouldn't be too much different than the other so I'd love to make meatballs with it.

Pancakes - easy. If you want the no frills method, get a pancake mix in the baking aisle in the grocery store - Krusteaze, Aunt Jemima - you can't really do it wrong.

Meatloaf - also easy. The basics - take 2 pounds of hamburger, 1 or 2 raw eggs, 3/4 to one cup of breadcrumbs or uncooked oatmeal (not the flavored kind). I also like to finely chop a half an onion, add about a teaspoon of Montreal Steak seasoning, and 1/2 teaspoon salt. Mix then all together and press into a 9x5 loaf pan, or you can form it into a loaf shape and bake it on a sheet pan or in a 9x13 baking dish. Bake at 350F for 45 minutes. Remove from oven and spread a can of cream of mushroom soup over it and return to oven for about 30 more minutes.

There are about 500 variations on this, depending on your locale and preferences. Many meatloaf recipes are tomato sauced (I don't do this so someone else will have coach you if you want to go that way); some are cooked without sauce and then served with brown or mushroom gravy; some people mix ground pork and ground beef; and so on. It's one of the foods that, no matter how you make it, it's not quite like the next guys mom made it. Even though I learned it from my mother, I have added some of my own embellishments now. I'm not afraid to experiment with it.

 

[medtran49]

Try putting a pinch (and that means what you can pick up between 2 fingers) of black pepper or maybe like 2 quick shakes from a shaker) in the mac and cheese, especially if it's the blue box. Makes a world of difference. You might need more or less but a slightly older friend taught me that when I was an early teen.

 

[PrincessFiona60]

Hi Clueless it's me again.
Because of the time differences between you and me, I'm off to bed now but i will get back to you tomorrow. In the meantime you must know that to help you the advice may sound patronising but it is not meant to offend so go with it in the spirit that is intended.
Breakfasts; pancakes, sausages, bacon.
First of all, Sausages
turn on your oven to the lowest heat setting. Put a shallow pan on the hob with a dash of oil and heat gently. Cook your sausages gently, turning so that they brown all over and then prick with a fork. If the juices run clearish transfer to a heatproof dish and put in the now warm oven to rest while you do the next task. otherwise, cook a bit longer. No big deal. Cook your bacon in the sausage fat until browning a bit and then transfer that to the oven with your sausages.
Now, the tricky bit. My idea of pancakes is different I think to yours over the pond so does anyone else want to take over for me please and give Clueless a hand with his pancakes.
That will be breakfast done and dusted.
Tomorrow we'll tackle lunches. I'm hoping that some of you will jump in here and join me in getting Clueless started??

Over here it is, "Put a skillet on the stove" over medium (about half) heat.

A picture of your stove would help out or at least point us to the brand name so we can see what the knobs look like.

 

[PrincessFiona60]

I also think your kids might be pulling your chain telling you "It's not the same as Mom's!" Let them know that of course it isn't, you made it. Then teach them how to make it themselves.