What Is The Correct Food Etiquette After A Death?

[Kaneohegirlinaz]

A neighbor of ours passed away and we have been invited to a
Memorial Open House next week. I am assuming that is the day that the family will be interning their loved one.
I've never been to one of these and I'm not sure what to do.
Do I take a dish, like say a tray of appetizers?

Also, I'd like to take a casserole over to the family (the son and daughter arrived last night), but we were not particularly friendly with Mrs. Neighbor, just Mr. Neighbor. I was thinking that taking a "covered dish" over to the family would be a nice gesture too; I know one one does this any more, but ...

Thoughts?

 

[Dawgluver]

When my dad died, folks brought brownies, pies, casseroles. We had a funeral for him. Way more food than we could ever use! When my mom died, a good friend brought a lasagna in an aluminum foil pan, a lovely salad, and a bottle of dressing, then stayed to share it with us. That made it very special. We sprinkled Mom's ashes off of her beloved lake without a formal funeral.

Little ham sandwiches, egg salad sammies, some salad would probably be welcome.

 

[Kayelle]

You're a sweetheart Kgirl. A covered dish right now would be very welcomed for arriving family. The day of the open house they may be having catered, but maybe not. When you take over the covered dish, you might be able to find out, and go from there. If it's being catered, I would take something like a plate of cookies or finger food sweets.
Customs vary around the country, but that would be a good bet for the south west.

 

[Aunt Bea]

Take a look at this thread for some ideas.

http://www.discusscooking.com/forum...-a-family-who-has-lost-a-loved-one-92315.html

 

[Kayelle]

Thanks for that link AB. I read through all of it again, and it did me good.

 

[jd_1138]

Last time we went to something like that, we brought a sandwich tray from Jimmy John's (Italian sandwiches). They come neatly arranged on a covered platter and it comes with mustard, mayo, napkins. They can eat the sandwiches cold or warm them up.

A casserole should be fine, too, or some macaroni salad, etc...

 

[Cheryl J]

This couldn't be more timely. My neighbor, Avery, passed away unexpectedly in her sleep early this week. Avery and Walt have been married for over 50 years, and I'm sure Walt is beside himself with grief.

They've had a lot of visiting relatives, but there will come a time soon that they'll all have to travel back home to their own families. I've been reading through this thread, and AB's link. I'm getting some good ideas here of how to help this poor man deal with his loss - especially with food, disposable dinnerware and such, and help carrying on in the household.

 

[Dawgluver]

Very good link, AB. So sad to hear about your friend, Cheryl. I think the Jimmy John's sammie idea is a really good one, jd. Leftovers can be frozen. You could probably do the same with Subway or another local sammie shop. One of our Chinese restaurants here sells cooked egg rolls in bulk. We went to a local concert where it was bring your own food to share, and a friend brought the egg rolls. They disappeared fast.

 

[Kaneohegirlinaz]

Now there's a though Dawg!
I've got some of finger foods in the deep freeze:
Vegetable Lumpia
TJ's Pastry Bites
Shumai

I could put together a "Nibble tray"

...and DH and I were just talking about stuffed shells last night, I could make up a double batch, one for us and one the visiting family members of the dearly departed; some garlic bread and a salad, some paper plates and plastic forks all done up in a nice box.

 

[Dawgluver]

Sounds like a good plan, K-Girl!

 

[blissful]

What is the correct food etiquette after a death?
If it was my death, I'd keep my hands folded over each other and when people offer me food, I'd just pretend I didn't hear them.

Actually, I liked the idea of bringing paper products and plastic utensils and cups, garbage bags, things that won't spoil, like snacks, a canister of cookies, soda, crystal light, cheese and crackers uncut and not unwrapped.

 

[Cooking Goddess]

...and DH and I were just talking about stuffed shells last night, I could make up a double batch...

You might want to be sure to take that over in a foil pan, wrapped with foil, in case the family has enough food to eat up right now. If it's ready to go into the freezer and isn't in a pan that needs returning, it might give the family another option to put aside later since you packed it so nicely.

I like the idea of supplying the serving items with the food. Whatever makes it easier for the family is probably most appreciated.

 

[Kayelle]

In this particular case, Kgirl isn't someone close to the family, only a casual neighbor. I understand why she's generously concerned how to help, rather than to impress.

 

[Cheryl J]

What is the correct food etiquette after a death?
If it was my death, I'd keep my hands folded over each other and when people offer me food, I'd just pretend I didn't hear them.

Actually, I liked the idea of bringing paper products and plastic utensils and cups, garbage bags, things that won't spoil, like snacks, a canister of cookies, soda, crystal light, cheese and crackers uncut and not unwrapped.

That's exactly along the lines of what I'm thinking for my neighbor....I'm sure he has casseroles galore and would appreciate not having to wash a billion dishes for now...

 

[Katie H]

When my husband, Buck, died I was covered up in all sorts of food. It was just me who was left after his death and I was overwhelmed at what to do with the bounty. Some of it was easily frozen. Other things had to be eaten relatively soon and/or shared with whomever.

One of the best contributions, as someone already suggested, was that of disposables - every kind. Plates, cups, napkins, utensils, trash bags, plastic wrap, zipper baggies (to store leftovers in), paper towels.

Another very helpful category is beverages, especially those for children. Even though we didn't have any small children, some of the respectful guests brought theirs along. Buck loved children and many of them were there because of him.

You don't have to purchase liter bottles of pop. Just gallon jugs of what can be had at the supermarket. Some adults like sweet tea and that's available, too.

Sweets get old fast, so a big bowl of fresh fruit is always welcome. It's easy for someone to pluck a nice apple or a good banana. Bowls of grapes are a good choice.

All-in-all, if you are desiring to bring food for the day of the open house, I'd recommend finger foods and munchies.

Save the covered dishes and casseroles for a week or so down the road when the dust has settled and folks forget that so-and-so has died. There's a big flurry of attention immediately surrounding the death, but that next week or so can get pretty bleak and lonesome. From this I speak of experience.

 

[CraigC]

Were there any request from the deceased about what they wanted to happen? Both my brothers wanted us to have a party to celebrate their lives. One was held at a bar and grill with everyone decked out in Miami Dolphins garb. The other was held at his home with "BBQ" and lots of good cheer.

 

[Chef Munky]

When our neighbor passed I took the que she taught me. Don't ask just do it. Forget P/C.

I watched to see how many cars were in her driveway. Saw nobody bringing in any food. She had quite the send off of friends and family.

I cooked up a huge Turkey with all the sides. Boxed it up and walked it over.
It was welcomed and much appreciated. Her grown son walked into the room and yelled after catching the smell of food in the air "FOOD'S ON!"
Everybody laughed as they dug in. It's what their Mom would say.

 

[di reston]

When my sister-in-law died unexpectedly last year, the post-burial ceremony was already catered for. I did a simple supper of antipasto, tortiglioni with tomato sauce, salad, and fruit salad. They were all so tired they were just glad to sit down to something easy, food they were familiar with, and they didn't have to do anything. Afterwards, I cleared up, washed the dishes, and got the table ready for a simple breakfast the next morning.
Something for the day after would probably be welcome also.

di reston

Enough is never as good as a feast Oscar Wilde

 

[GotGarlic]

My neighbor died last year. I was unfortunately sick and couldn't attend the memorial, but if I had, I would have brought a tray of nibbles.

About a week later, we grilled two whole chickens - one for us and one for the family. The widow's sister was staying with her and at least two children at home. I also made a veggie salad and potato salad, all delivered in disposable foil pans.

 

[Kaneohegirlinaz]

Okay, so I put together two small aluminum pans with paper covers (those ones I get at the Dollar Store), filled with Italian Sausage-Spinach-Cheese Stuffed Shells (along with a goodly sized pan for DH or I'd never hear the end of that one ).
The market had a special on those Salad kits, 2 for 1 deal, so I bought two Caesar's, as well as frozen Garlic Bread that was on sale. Easy-peasy for the fam that way.
I gathered everything together in a basket with some paper plates, napkins and plastic forks, a bottle of red wine; I added a note as to what all was in the basket and cooking as well as freezing instructions and walked down the road to the bereaved family's home.
Mrs. Neighbor came to the door, she had very obviously been crying, so I just hugged her, handed her the basket, offered my condolences and left her to find her peace with her grown children.

What is it about food-people? I have this overwhelming desire to feed folks, in happy times, sad times, good times as well as bad...