This is so hilarious! I don't usually laugh when i'm by myself at the computer, but it struck my funny bone when I read thro' your first post, Goodweed!
Then, the comments after that only added to the humor.
Maybe it's called 'heavy' because it has more calories and you'll get heavier. Whereas, if you're into losing weight, try the 'lighter' version of cream. Haha.