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Old 09-15-2008, 09:18 AM   #21
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Thanks everyone-I cannot begin to tell you how nice it is to know that other people understand my position on this. This has been a point of contention between my wife and I, and I feel that I have to be very careful as to how I handle the situation-I don't want to damage my marriage in any way. This is my wifes daughter, and my step-daughter. While my Mrs. agrees with my position (which is basically the same as yours) her "maternal instincts" keep it from being as "black & white" an issue as it is to the rest of us.

Since I started this thread, I agreed with my wife that she could stay, only if she were to agree to a strict and comprehensive set of ground rules. So I called her up and began to lay them down. Within 5 minutes, she was screaming into the phone, calling me names that I dare not repeat (evidently, there are new combinations of expletives that I've never heard!) And hung up on me.

Well, not 30 minutes later, we started to get phone calls from family members around the country (those sympathetic to her plight) to let us know she had been calling them all to say "goodbye"-part of her M.O. has always been the threat of suicide-and that we needed to do something. Of course I asked them if they might be willing to take her in, and of course, they said that they would be glad to, except for.. (insert various reasons here).

She has been to rehab before-many times, most recently a couple of months ago. It only works if you actually want the help, and she does not.

So other than freezing my tail off at my Grandsons pee-wee football game (they won 27-0, go Jr. Warriors!!) this is how I spent my weekend. The upside to it all though, is that her playing the "suicide card" has really opened my wifes eyes. We are both compassionate people,but we agree that to be "held hostage" by her threats of killing herself is no way to live, so we are not allowing her back in our house. As of right now, she is officially on her own. It feels like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I think, no, I know we made the right decision. I even sat down with my Mrs to discuss, God forbid, if she were to go through with her threat. Although it would be tragic and heartbreaking, we agreed that it would in no way be our fault, so I think she has a pretty good handle on this thing.

Sorry to go on so long-but after reading through all of your kind words, It was obvious that many of you understand, and I really need'nt be ashamed of another persons behavior, so I thought I would at least update you on how the whole thing shook out (so far)

Thanks again everyone-I was and am overwhelmed by your responses. Barring any unforseen developments, I will try to keep the subject matter of my threads light-hearted and fun for awhile!!!

Bless you all!!
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Old 09-15-2008, 09:35 AM   #22
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I hope it will all work out for the best. Maybe the tough love you and your wife are showing will open the step duaghters eyes and realize that she is the problem and then want the real help she needs to get her life back on track.

way to go Jr Warriors. What postition does he play?
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Old 09-15-2008, 10:01 AM   #23
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Originally Posted by GhettoRacingKid View Post
way to go Jr Warriors. What postition does he play?
He's 58.5 pounds of "smash-mouth" running back

Oh, and he plays safety on defense!!!
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Old 09-15-2008, 10:08 AM   #24
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way to go. you must be proud. hopfully one day he will be a big star in the NFL and finally give the buccaneers a decent running game. even though its looking good this year.
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Old 09-15-2008, 10:53 AM   #25
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Quote:
Originally Posted by smoke king View Post
Thanks everyone-I cannot begin to tell you how nice it is to know that other people understand my position on this. This has been a point of contention between my wife and I, and I feel that I have to be very careful as to how I handle the situation-I don't want to damage my marriage in any way. This is my wifes daughter, and my step-daughter. While my Mrs. agrees with my position (which is basically the same as yours) her "maternal instincts" keep it from being as "black & white" an issue as it is to the rest of us.

Since I started this thread, I agreed with my wife that she could stay, only if she were to agree to a strict and comprehensive set of ground rules. So I called her up and began to lay them down. Within 5 minutes, she was screaming into the phone, calling me names that I dare not repeat (evidently, there are new combinations of expletives that I've never heard!) And hung up on me.

Well, not 30 minutes later, we started to get phone calls from family members around the country (those sympathetic to her plight) to let us know she had been calling them all to say "goodbye"-part of her M.O. has always been the threat of suicide-and that we needed to do something. Of course I asked them if they might be willing to take her in, and of course, they said that they would be glad to, except for.. (insert various reasons here).

She has been to rehab before-many times, most recently a couple of months ago. It only works if you actually want the help, and she does not.

So other than freezing my tail off at my Grandsons pee-wee football game (they won 27-0, go Jr. Warriors!!) this is how I spent my weekend. The upside to it all though, is that her playing the "suicide card" has really opened my wifes eyes. We are both compassionate people,but we agree that to be "held hostage" by her threats of killing herself is no way to live, so we are not allowing her back in our house. As of right now, she is officially on her own. It feels like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I think, no, I know we made the right decision. I even sat down with my Mrs to discuss, God forbid, if she were to go through with her threat. Although it would be tragic and heartbreaking, we agreed that it would in no way be our fault, so I think she has a pretty good handle on this thing.

Sorry to go on so long-but after reading through all of your kind words, It was obvious that many of you understand, and I really need'nt be ashamed of another persons behavior, so I thought I would at least update you on how the whole thing shook out (so far)

Thanks again everyone-I was and am overwhelmed by your responses. Barring any unforseen developments, I will try to keep the subject matter of my threads light-hearted and fun for awhile!!!

Bless you all!!
When you layed down the ground rules: 1. you were protecting your whole family, 2. you were giving her structure she needs, but is denying. Boundries are very important, as obviously she is so lost, those are guidelines which would really help her, and will be required wherever she goes.
Those sympathetic family members, maybe with good intentions - let them take her on. Until they walk in your shoes, idol talk.........
The suicide card; she is blaming everyone and thing for her misery. As a juevinile would. A tantrum. But she is an adult and blame whoever, she is reponsible for her own action/inaction. You & your wifes "decision" and "agreement" that in no way would be your fault, is very intellectual of you. But will be hard to maintain, if she does do anything more to hurt herself. I agree with you, but be prepared to go up and down - how can anyone rational prepare for the irrational though.
The only thing to do to prepare is stick together, knowing the 2 of you are stonger than this problem, true faith in your God, and know that you like who you see in the mirror every morning.
As far as sharing with us here, that's what families are for. And what do they say??....No man is an island.
Glad you felt comfort here.
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Old 09-15-2008, 11:00 AM   #26
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As the others said (and as you already know), you did the right thing. I don't have time to say anything more, but that is the heart of it.

Barbara
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Old 09-15-2008, 11:18 AM   #27
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I'm so glad you and your wife have agreed on this..It's hard and it hurts when you have to close a door to save a neck.Hopefully enough closed doors will help bring her to her senses..I'll pray she wakes up one day soon and realizes she has been handed a second chance to live.
I'll also pray all works out for your and your family..You've done one of the hardest thing there is to do in life... Try to save a life..Bless you
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Old 09-15-2008, 11:19 AM   #28
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You are enabling this behaviour to continue. She's an adult and responsible for her actions. You can help by offering a ride to a rehab, but permitting her to stay with you means you are okay with the theft, the abuse, the child neglect and the emotional roller coaster she comes with.
It's easy for me to say this because it's not my situation. But...with nothing to lose, I can see it as clear as crystal on a sunny morning.

What isn't easy is for me to suggest how you live with yourself if you follow my advice. Being able to live with it will be just as hard on you as it will be on the one you put out. However, if you do this, chances are, you'll only have to be hard and cold just once. It could be all that is required to turn her around.
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Old 09-15-2008, 12:52 PM   #29
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As a mother I can understand your wife's split feelings. Knowing what to do in your head and being able to follow through with your heart is not always easy. I applaude you and your family for sticking to your guns. Maybe when she realizes there is no one left but herself, she will begin to see what you see and make the changes in her life. Continue to pray for her and let her know you love her but cannot do anything more for her. I'm glad you found some peace and that you and your wife are in agreement. That is very important that you present a unified front. The weekend wasn't a total loss since the football team won!
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Old 09-16-2008, 11:27 AM   #30
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I'm glad you were able to come to a decision. I hope it all works out for the best. Keep praying for her!
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