"Discover Cooking, Discuss Life."

Go Back   Discuss Cooking - Cooking Forums > The Back Porch > Off Topic Discussions
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 06-09-2006, 02:35 PM   #11
Head Chef
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Boston area
Posts: 2,488

I am not a parent, but my brother and I were raised by Dad when my mother left us (we kids were 7 and 8). Dad worked full time and had help raising us - from his parents, friends and neighbors, and some high school girls who he hired to be in our home with us after school and make dinner and do some cleaning for us until he got home from work.

We didn't have much money, but Dad worked on establishing simple little traditions with us.

For example every Saturday, we had hot dogs and beans for dinner, then later, Dad would build a fire in the fireplace and the three of us would watch Gunsmoke in our pajamas, each of us with a Slim Jim and a soda. Christmas time, after dark, he took us riding around several towns, hunting for the houses with the best lights. He was always there for Little League games, choral recitals, all our "kid stuff". And as badly as he was hurting, he never said a bad word about my mother (when we were little, anyway).

Those kinds of things are the things we remember best about our father, who stuck by us, doing a heck of great job, learning and growing up along with us.

Best of luck to you, Erik.


QSis is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-09-2006, 05:36 PM   #12
Sous Chef
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: New Buffalo, Michigan
Posts: 954
Send a message via Yahoo to Erik
I love my wife, still...right now the hardest part is coping with my feelings for her. There have been a lot of bad choices she has made to deal with things not working out...I still right now think she is my soulmate.

But I know we will give our 4 year old son an overabundance of love...with zero bad-mouthing on my level...and she has told me the same. Right now she feels like she doesn't deserve me, even though I am the best father/husband in the world. The simple fact is she has fallen out of love with me, due to feelings for someone else.

150% given every day for my son's welfare from me. He is my world...right now instead of looking for a rebound, or anything like that I just want to be Connor's daddy.
Thanks to all who have given me wisdom, and kind words...I really appreciate it!

Erik is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-09-2006, 05:46 PM   #13
Master Chef
texasgirl's Avatar
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: North Texas
Posts: 9,497
I hope you find counceling for your own well being. Some people get very overwhelmed when they find Mr. Perfect. Just find peace for yourself and know that you have that beautiful boy to show the love that is there, even if she tries to deny it. She does still love you, or at least has some feelings or she wouldn't care what she said to you. Being IN love and loving someone are two different things. Sometimes, not having them both bothers some people. Take care of yourself. We are always just a click away if you need us.
texasgirl is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-09-2006, 06:42 PM   #14
Executive Chef
amber's Avatar
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: USA,Maine
Posts: 4,099
Originally Posted by Erik
Things aren't going very well. I'm not looking for sympathy or anything like that...but my wife and I are deciding to separate. This is a big, hard decision on our part. Some people have come into our lives and decided to tear our marriage apart for the time being. Something had to be done...things just haven't been working out. For the time being, my only priority is being a great father to my son. Any words of wisdom from some other single parents, would help me get through this right now. This is the hardest step we've could take, so far into our journey through life.
I'm picking up the pieces and trying to be strong for my son, and my family. Things kinda suck right now...but I gotta hold my head up high and take pride in myself and my choice to be a single parent for the time being. Thank all of you who have been there for me!!!
Sorry to hear this Erik. I dont know the age of your kids but try to keep the same routine they had before the separation ( eating, bathing, school activities, etc). If you and your wife are choosing to remain friends that is the best thing for the kids. Communicate with your wife about the kids, and expect the same from her if she will see them. It's a tough road for kids, so do whatever you can to make it as easy and painfree for them. Keep them involved in as many activities as you can!! This will keep their minds off their troubles and keep them healthy and active, and oh yes tired too! Most of all, just be there for them when they need you.

Good luck Erik
amber is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-09-2006, 07:42 PM   #15
Executive Chef
corazon's Avatar
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Native New Mexican, now live in Bellingham, WA
Posts: 3,859
Like others said, don't say anything negative about her in front of your son. My mom left my dad for someone else and while he didn't say anything nasty about her at first, there was always an awful tone in his voice everytime her name came up or every time she called. And as we got older he started saying some bad things about her. Which makes me understand just why she left.

Try to establish, hopefully, a friendship with her. If not that, at least talk to her about your child and make it the easiest for your son as possible. I hated having to pass messages between my parents. It's been 15 years and my dad still holds a grudge. My sister is getting married next year and inviting both of them will cause such worry. My dad will put a dark cloud over the wedding because he still can't get over it.

Good luck to you Erik! We are all behind you. You have your son's best interest at heart and that is most important!
"There are only two lasting bequests we can hope to give our children. One of these is roots, the other, wings." http://aidancallum.blogspot.com/
corazon is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-09-2006, 07:49 PM   #16
Executive Chef
ironchef's Avatar
Join Date: May 2003
Location: The SPAM eating capital of the world.
Posts: 3,558
Pretty much the same everyone else said. One thing you might want to do if you haven't done already is to start some traditions between you and your son. But's nothing's final yet right. Did you guys talk about going to counseling? Even if the seperation if final, counseling may help with anything dealing with your son.
"Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it."
Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe
ironchef is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-09-2006, 09:11 PM   #17
Executive Chef
Michelemarie's Avatar
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Suburb of Chicago, IL
Posts: 2,614
Send a message via Yahoo to Michelemarie
Erik, you have my sympathy. I was a single mother for the same reason you are becoming a single father (my daughter was five). My experience leads me to advise the following: surround yourself with loved ones - friends and family, accept their help; get counseling for you and your son; stay strong in your faith; never badmouth your xwife and keep communication open at all times - all kids play mom and dad against eachother, I think it is magnified in divorced situations. The future holds ups and downs, stay focused as Connor's dad - I will pray for you my friend.
Michele Marie
Michelemarie is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-09-2006, 11:49 PM   #18
Chef Extraordinaire
buckytom's Avatar
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: joisey
Posts: 18,585
erik, i hate to say this, but the sooner you drop the "soulmate" routine and realize that she's got a lot of freakin problems, the better off you'll be.
my guess is you are going to have to eat a lot of crapola from her (this is a simple judgement based on the fact that any person able to fall in love with anyone else while married with a kid is pretty f#$%^d up, and exceedingly immature. AND divorce laws are extremely unfair and gender biased.)

i'm sorry to be so abrupt, but it's time to face up to things, considering there's a child involved. this is a HUGE thing in his life, so there's no time to be wishy washy.

i think andy gave you the best preliminary advice, from what i've read so far.
take care of yourself first. get used to catching yourself feeling sorry (for yourself) and like you can't understand what you did wrong. you didn't do anything wrong. it sounds like your only fault was choosing the wrong person to try to build a life. sh!t happens to the best of us. you will make a lot of mistakes in life, hopefully not all this big, but you're not perfect. accept it, and get ready to move on and not repeat them.

once you get your feet under you and forget the love-lost crap, only then can you be a competent parent. if you feel ok about yourself, you'll have no need to belittle your ex to your child, no matter what happens. in fact, your strength will help carry you and your boy through whatever the ex throws at you, and will solidify your father/son relationship. and if there is any possibility of reconcilliation - for the boy's sake if nothing else, then you can't be a patsy or doormat for a proven loser.

i haven't been divorced, but have been very close. fortunately, nothing has been done on either part to force a hand in my case. life is a work in progress, i hope.

i have been through 2 very rough breakups of long term relationships tho, losing an awful lot of dreams, possesions, and time along the way. dreams and possesions can be regained. the last cannot, so realize that every move from now on must be thought out, not based on emotions.

infidelity is about the worst thing to get over. been on both sides of that. no matter how much someone is sorry, the relationship is damaged, and at best it will take many many years to even begin to get back to square one.

well, whatever you decide, good luck. i hope it works out for you and your boy, and your ex realizes the amount of pain she's caused, and does the right thing by her son.
in nomine patri, et fili, et spiritus sancti.
beidh ar la linn.
wisdom is often in short supply within ones' ego.
buckytom is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-10-2006, 10:37 AM   #19
Master Chef
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Galena, IL
Posts: 7,973
Erik, I agree to give up on the "soul-mate" stuff. Marriage is hard work in the very best marriages, forget the concept that some higher power has determined that someone is the perfect person for you. YOU determine that, then after that you work your patootie off (as does that person). Marriage isn't 50/50, or 60/40, or 90/10. It is 100/100. The higher being doesn't change diapers, scrub toilets, or go to a job they hate every day to put food on the table.

You don't mention if you are the custodial parent or not. No one has mentioned the "buying the kid" routine. Kids are very susceptable to favoring the parent who buys the off. Be it actually financially or by favors the other parent doesn't allow (foods, bedtimes, etc). You get into a good parent/bad parent contest with a kid, and the only loser is the child.
Claire is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-10-2006, 10:48 AM   #20
Chief Eating Officer
GB's Avatar
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: USA,Massachusetts
Posts: 25,509
I disagree with those saying forget about the soulmate stuff. Knowing that you are with your soulmate is a powerful thing (and it has nothing to do with a higher power).

Everything that Claire said about working hard still applies, but knowing that you are with your soulmate makes that work worthwhile.

You know you can't resist clicking
this link. Your eyes will thank you. VISUAL BLISS
GB is offline   Reply With Quote

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off

» Discuss Cooking on Facebook

Our Communities

Our communities encompass many different hobbies and interests, but each one is built on friendly, intelligent membership.

» More about our Communities

Automotive Communities

Our Automotive communities encompass many different makes and models. From U.S. domestics to European Saloons.

» More about our Automotive Communities

Marine Communities

Our Marine websites focus on Cruising and Sailing Vessels, including forums and the largest cruising Wiki project on the web today.

» More about our Marine Communities

Copyright 2002-2015 Social Knowledge, LLC All Rights Reserved.

All times are GMT -5. The time now is 04:20 AM.

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8 Beta 4
Copyright ©2000 - 2016, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.