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Old 12-20-2006, 12:52 PM   #11
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Marge, PM me. Counselling WILL help. Key word there is HELP. The only thing that will heal you is time Marge. Don't rush yourself. Allow yourself those times to let the grief overwhelm you, but don't stay there all the time. Pick yourself up and go see your kids. Don't feel guilty for a few moments of laughter either. Big hugs Marge, keep coming to us. Its what we are here for.
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Old 12-20-2006, 01:14 PM   #12
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The Holidays are not the best time for people especially you. A grief counselor will help you get though this and you should definitely see him even after the Holidays. He definitely knows what you are going through and you will feel so much better after your meeting.
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Old 12-20-2006, 05:53 PM   #13
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Aw, sweetie - I can't imagine you getting through Christmas without trouble this time. Cling to your boys - they are facing their first Christmas without dad too, even if they're the type who don't show any emotion.

Best love and warm hugs.
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Old 12-20-2006, 08:35 PM   #14
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Dove - You need to experience the grief - It hurts so much - BUT you must grieve and have the right to miss what you lost - Most Doctors will put you on anti deppresants which relieve the pain but do not deal with your feelings. Grief counseling might be a good thing - vent your feelings with people who know what you are going through at this time. When you see others feel the same things and thoughts it really does help. We can all support you but unless you experience it first hand you never really know what goes thru your mind. If you try it and do not like it or feel it helps you can discontinue the counseling - BUT if it helps keep with it - You will not know unless you try - Wish I could help bear your burden and grief -I am here if you need to talk
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Old 12-20-2006, 08:57 PM   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dove
I hate to bring this up now with Christmas just a few days away but I am really going through a rough time now.
Marge,
You may know that I lost my only son 2 3/4 years ago. Here are a few things I can tell of about my grieving process:

- I would bounce back & forth between so many feelings for about the first year: total despair, anger, guilt, just wanting to lay down & die myself, and on & on. It felt like I was going crazy. I understand that this is typical when you are grieving for a loved one. The most normal things would set me off: walking the aisles in the grocery store & seeing the different things that Shane loved, going to a wedding or baby shower, seeing the way that other parents looked at their children & knowing I would never have anyone to look at in that way again.

- I did get some medication from my Dr. to help me sleep & cope with getting thru a day. Sleep was my only relief at the beginning, it seemed. I could make things go away for a short time. I don't regret doing that.

- Revel in your tears. If you didn't love Paul so much, it wouldn't hurt so much. I let myself wallow in it when I needed to. And I let myself laugh, too. Because I tried to think about how Shane would have wanted me to be. - how he would have wanted me to handle things. And how I would have wanted him to handle things if I had died before him, like I was supposed to.

- what helped me? I am an avid reader so I read everything I could get my hands on about this kind of thing. It made me feel like others knew what I was going thru & made me realize that I wasn't going crazy.

I did attend one session of a Bereaved Parents support group. Again, I felt like I was with people who totally understood how I felt, when most people can't. The reason I didn't attend more sessions was because it was kinda far away from me & Shane had already been gone for a year & a half by that time. I went with someone else who just lost her son a couple months before.

Time does NOT heal all wounds but it does make things better. You start to accept & look at things differently. Now I am thankful for any reminder of Shane - any mention of his name. I love to look at his photos & remember the times of his life. When, at the beginning, it was nothing but pain.

I don't know if this will help you at all. I really hope it does. You need to keep waking up every morning but you don't need to smile your way thru the day. You need to take care of yourself as best as you can. If you want to cry, do it! If you want to laugh, go ahead - doesn't mean you miss Paul any less. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. If others around you don't understand, too bad. This is your grief. Try anything you want to, to get thru this. And lean on your DC family as much as you want. As you can see, there are many people here for you.

With love & hugs,
Corinne
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Old 12-20-2006, 09:23 PM   #16
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Marge,

Corinne has summed up exactly what I would have said. What she mentions are the stages of her grief, which to me sounds exactly like mine when I lost my parents. It takes time Marge, and you have not had alot of that yet, so do whatever you need to do to keep yourself going, and just know that we are always here for you. To lose a spouse, and in Corinnes situation to lose her son, are two of the most extreme forms of grief I can only imagine and hope I never have those experiences. We all expect to lose our parents, and it is very difficult indeed, but expected.

Let us know how it goes with your doctor tomorrow Marge. Keep close to your sons too because they are grieving and need you!
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Old 12-21-2006, 12:18 AM   #17
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{{{{{{{{{Marge}}}}}}}}}}

Someone asked me one time what the hardest thing was when my father died (I know it's no comparison to you and Paul but it's the closest I have) - I said just people around me doing everyday, normal things like laughing, smiling, being with their friends and families with NO apparent concerns or worries. I really wish I was there. I will call you tomorrow.

I certainly can't add to what everyone has said. The crying is all a part of it. I used to cry for hours upon hours. It eventually just eases up. In the meantime we are all here.

Bear and I both send our love!
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Old 12-21-2006, 01:20 AM   #18
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The Dr. did recommend Counsling..also increased my Celebrex. Said if I need him to call. I'll go back in 3 weeks.

I know all of you are right but it hurts so much. I feel like I've known him all my life..I guess I did. 58 1/2 years out of 73. I know it will take time ..the rest of my life. I feel guilty that i can't be there for my sons. One lets his feelings be known and the other keeps it all inside just like his dad always did.

Thank you all for listning..love you guys,
Have the best Holiday Season you can..enjoy.
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Old 12-21-2006, 06:37 AM   #19
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HOw much Celebrex!! You need to protect your stomach and liver from that--no fooling. It is for inflammation, yes--arthritis?
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Old 12-21-2006, 08:24 AM   #20
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Celebrex is an anti-anflammatory that has recently been the subject of warnings (I think causes heart-attacks in some people who take large or frequent doses, but don't quote me).

I think you might mean Celepram, which is Citalopram, called by many names including Celexa, or Cipramil, even Talax (depends on where you live and who manufactures it). It is an SSRI (antidepressant), and it is considered very safe. It's one of a whole groups of similar drugs - if you find yourself sinking lower, off to the doctor with you, and he'll find you one that suits you better. But in my experience, it's the best of the lot. I suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and am quite familiar with these things.

Do take advantage of the counselling. It doesn't take away the pain, but it really does help you cope with it.

I know it's hard right now - it's such early days - but it really does get easier with the passage of time, I promise you! Of course you'll always miss your man, but it won't always be such a raw wound.

This is a time when you're allowed to be utterly selfish. Your sons know what you're going through, they understand better than you think, and possibly better than they're showing. They'll be dealing with it in their own way, just as they're allowing you to deal with it in your way. Your first priority right now is YOU. Once you're through the worst of it, then you can worry about other people. No guilt trips, OK?? There are other people they can lean on, and they'll be doing it.

Take it one step at a time. Just keep on ploddin' along. If getting through the day is too much, then just take it by the hour. Gradually, the darkness will turn to light. You have already taken your first steps towards recovery (seeking medical help, and talking to us) - take the next ones as soon as you are able, at your own pace. A counsellor can help you if you stumble.

You are very much in my thoughts right now. I'm a little further down the track than you, but we're in the same situation, like others here who are holding your hand.
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