Bilby's mother

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Thanks everyone for your messages of support. My father died when I was 15 so I am not unfamiliar with this but as many of you have said, your mother holds a different role in most of our lives. The extended family has been so together for the past few weeks to be with mum that now, I and I think most of the others, want a bit of alone time, as well as a return to normallacy. Each time I go to bed, I get pounced on by one of my cats cos even they have suffered as I have barely been here and they have just been locked up 24/7.

First night back in my own bed, I couldn't sleep - not thru grief you understand - but cos my body had adjusted to sleeping on one of those fold-a-beds! My big comfortable bed just didn't do it for me!!! And I had to sleep with the light on, cos again, I had adjusted. (Mum wanted the light on all night as I suspect that as her eyesight failed her in the last weeks, she wasn't sure if she was alive or dead when she woke up during the night. At least if the light was on, she could make out the furniture, etc.)

Now, I am so torn between getting stuck in to packing things up and cleaning or just going to bed and trying to catch up on my missed sleep!! Having spoken with heaps of mum's friends to let them know in the last two days, I have just about spoken my initial grief out.

Life is dynamic. Onwards and upwards, as they say. I shall see what tomorrow brings.

Thanks again.
Penny
 
Thanks Loprraine and Mikki. The things I am now finding hardest is all those incidental comments you make to someone close to you - there isn't anyone to do that with anymore. You know, without having to provide a background story to it. I just try not to say the word "miss" very often, cos that makes me tear up. And stay busy - which as there is so much to do, is very very easy.
 
Dear Bilby:
I apologize for not reading your notice sooner. I can't really say where my mind is these days. I would like to say through prayer and time you will accept and adjust to her absence, after all you have a family with your cats and they need your attention. Did your mother like cats too? I am dog person myself as you probably well know.

As the days slowly go by, I would just treat myself the best way I knew how. If you want to rest do so, if you have energy and ambition to clean then do that. My mom went the same way. Sedated before her time. When someone you love is not feeling well, your love allows them to get relief the best way possible. Never thought I would ever feel this way about letting someone go. Same way I feel about my dogs. Just want the most normal way of life for those we care about.

Words cannot express the sincere sympathy I have for you and your family. Nothing can take the place of a mother. Just be so very thankful you were allowed t he time you had with her before she got so bad. My mother had me when she was older so I always felt that each day was a gift and appreciated her time. The memories are mine. I will hold on to them as long as I can. She would want you to take care of yourself and remember her. Life is truly a gift when there is love involved.

I am thinking and praying for you, Bilby.
 
Penny - you are in my thoughts and prayers. My step-mom passed away last Feb and I know it was really hard to move on (dad passed away about 12 years ago). She had been living with me since dad passed so I could take care of her - and then just overnight she wasn't there. Being divorced I was accustomed to being lonely at times ... but this was the first time I had ever felt totally alone.
 
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Penny,
it's going to seem odd for a time..Lonely, frustrating.There will be times when you call out a question and then realize there will be NO answer. I still find myself late at night if I get up and have to pass the sliding door in the family room I stop and look to see if my mother's porch light is on on her mobile home..the home as been gone now for 1 year. When this happens I want to just stand there and cry..I do know that mom is finally happy. As much as she loved my sister and me, my dad was her life and she missed him so much it hurt to here her speak of him. I miss both of them, but know they are walking hand in hand now and happy. I wish you the peace of knowing you did what you mom wanted and she loved you. She had a wonderful loving daughter.
kadesma
 
ITK, Michael and Kadesma: thank you for your kind words. I am used to mum going away every so often for a week or so to visit my brother in the country, so this week hasn't been too bad but I think it will hit me next week or the week after when she doesn't "come back". Luckily I have a lot to get through so will be a bit distracted and I am trying to plan a few social things that I haven't done either ever or in a long time. I try to just see this as another phase in my life but it is hard to maintain that stance.

And yes ITK, mum was partial to cats but I think preferred dogs. Either way, my eldest cat is "ours". I am the only one in my extended family that is animal mad. None of them understand it and all worry about me with the animals cos having so many just doesn't enter into their psyche. Different strokes, and all.
 
ITK, Michael and Kadesma: thank you for your kind words. I am used to mum going away every so often for a week or so to visit my brother in the country, so this week hasn't been too bad but I think it will hit me next week or the week after when she doesn't "come back". Luckily I have a lot to get through so will be a bit distracted and I am trying to plan a few social things that I haven't done either ever or in a long time. I try to just see this as another phase in my life but it is hard to maintain that stance.

And yes ITK, mum was partial to cats but I think preferred dogs. Either way, my eldest cat is "ours". I am the only one in my extended family that is animal mad. None of them understand it and all worry about me with the animals cos having so many just doesn't enter into their psyche. Different strokes, and all.

Thanks Bilby for the response! Have been thinking of you and I am thrilled you have and 'ours' cat! I have an 'ours' dog which now is 14 and give him acupuncture treatments (sacrifice) just to 'keep' him here. I always feel he is connection in some way. My brothers all understand and love the dog too. Looks kind of 'alien' with very little hair and moving so slow but we all love him. I am very very happy you have your cats. NO MATTER WHAT OTHERS THINK. Your cats understand you better than anyone. I have heard that cats have their own minds and if they don't like someone will let you know. I don't think dog has same personality.

Take care of yourself and you are doing good by trying to get in social contact. Just don't give up your cats for anyone. What is the name of "ours" cat? My dog is China. Name my mother gave him so my son we aren't changing it. Sure odd now he is getting Chinese acupuncture!
 
Dear Penny, May you and your family be sustained in the death of your dear mother. Do come back and visit and share. Sorry I'm late with this.
 
Thanks David and please don't apologise. The amount of happy and sad notices that I have been late for or missed entirely over the year and a bit I have been with DC don't bear thinking about! And I am trying to keep my oar in here. There is still so much to do for mum's estate and I am doing most of it on my own, but without the luxury of making my own decisions - I have to consult with my brother at the very least which hems me in somewhat. I am trying to get things done but they are slow coaches!! LOL

ITK - my "our" cat is Tammy. She is the daughter of my second ever cat, and the only one left of the litter. She is 22 years old now, and has recently developed the habit of just sitting by the fridge waiting for me to show up! She is rather partial to raw mince. I generally indulge her as any enthusiasm for anything should be encouraged at her age. Also keeps her eyesight working - which is failing - as she has to follow the meat from my hand to the ground, provided she knows it is happening as she is deaf and doesn't know when you tell her to look. Tammy got her name from an Enid Blyton book; the wild man of the woods was named Tamalyn, which is really Tammy's name. Always thought Tammy and I would go first though. Go figure.
 
We have Similar family! I can so much relate to your dilemma, having one 'our' cat and also have younger ones too! Tammy needs more time, but so worth it. People should be more understanding of their elderly relatives. My dog has been keeping me up at night. He seems to be so hot and it is still chilly outside. Therefore, we sacrifice our comfort and turn the heat off so he can rest. As for food, if I wouldn't continually watch him when he eats young ones would take away from him. Can't even see no more and no hearing. Walks around perimeter of yard to get from one place to the next. But even though he 'waddles' w/arthritis he is inspiration to the rest of us. Makes us feel ashamed that we have mouths to grumble. He has hair but only around shoulders and rear end, middle completely bare. This life seems like struggling the older we get. Old age is not for sissies. Art Linkletter said that and he is STILL around. His mind is still okay too. However, he really doesn't complain when he is on tv. I am sure your mom would have known him.

About your family, brother, when my mom left I did not question her things that were left. In my mind, I had the best part anyway which was the relationship we had together. To get involved with my sister is a fate worse than regular torture. She is more materialistic than I am. As they say, can't take it with you when you leave this world. I am sorry this is left for you to take care of. Just take your time and when the heartache comes allow for it to happen. This is all part of healing.

I do thank you for your time to write about Tammy. i just am so happy she 'waits' for you. She is special and being 22 makes her even more so. Watch her closely as she has much wisdom to share with you. She understands your pain. She is here for special reason.
 
I've seen it posted before that once a person passes beyond mortality, that they are in peace, but the heartache is just beginning for those lleft behind. I take a different approach to death. My Mother, Father, and Step-Father have all passed away. I was there for all of them at the end. I loved them dearly in life, but truly believe there is life after death. And with that belief, I know that I will see them again, and that this seperation is temporary. It still saddens me at times when I can't see them, or talk to them. But then again, I am the guy who is left as the eldest of the family. It's my responsibility to be there for my siblings, my children, and my 6 month grandaughter, not to mention those yet to come. They will be sad when I pass from mortality, but also know that we will be together again after they move on as well. There will be a reunion of family, and joy will reign when we are again together. In the meantime, I will hold down the fort for my family.

I do not despair at the loss of those who went before me. I rejoice that they are in a better place than I am, and that one day, I too will be there. For me, mortal life is just one facet of life, and a small one when compared with forever. I just hope that I learn as much as I can from this part of that life, and can share my time with my family, and learn from them, and teach them, and love them as much as any person can. They are my life, before mortality, during, and after.

You have not lost your mother. She's setting a place for you at a different dinner table, awaiting that wonderful reunion that is to come.

Seeeeeeya; Goodweed of the North
 
ITK - I always try to spend some "quality" time with Tammy but she doesn't always want my company anymore - just my food!! I worked out the other day that if I tried to spend half an hour with each cat per day, I would lose (or probably I should say am losing!) 6 1/2 hours every day on them! And that excludes any feeding or clearing up - just the loving attention bit. No wonder I am permanently tired!! LOL

Goodweed - thanks for your support.
 
Goodweed, that is so wonderfully put and how I see it as well.

Bilby, I have two dogs. Yes, just two. If I gave them all the attention they DEMAND, I would have about 1/2 hour out of 24 left and that would be taken up by feeding them and letting them in and out! How you do it with all your kitties is an amazement to me. But I am sure they are a wonderful comfort!

It is always good to see you online! Be well my friend.
 
Ha ha Laurie! If I gave all of them all of the attention they demand, (1) they wouldn't all get attention as I have a few hoggers (!!) and (2) I wouldn't move off the couch!!! Rationing is in force in my house. Thankfully I only have to throw food for the birds and not pet them or I may as well just give up movement!! LOL
 
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