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Old 04-14-2016, 09:14 PM   #1
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Breakdown ... or?

My world fell apart on me this morning. While cooking breakfast, I couldn't do anything right. I kept dropping things, I didn't flip hubby's omelet right (he ate it anyway, it was good), I did something evil to my shoulder while doing my exercises, and I fell off my bike again.

I came in, and I lost it. I sat down on the couch and began to cry, and I couldn't stop. Hubby and Rina (Cat's Mom) came running, and I suppose they thought I was physically hurt or something. Hubby started to come to me, but Rina pulled him back. She said, "No. She needs to do this."

I bawled, I yelled, I cursed, I punched the couch, and you'd have thought there was a hyena fight in the living room. Almost six weeks of anger, frustration, pain, misery, and loss came flooding out. This went on for over an hour, and when I finally got everything out, I calmed down and looked around.

Everything around me seemed brighter, fresher, sweeter, and dearer. I felt weird, as if I were light as a feather. I hugged Rina and hubby, the dog, and as many cats as I could snatch. Then I realized what I was feeling.

JOY. I felt JOY for the first time in weeks! I forgot how it feels to be joyful! Everything seemed to be such a struggle, a grind, hopeless, painful, frustrating ... a dead-end road to nowhere.

Then after all this, I got a call from my supervisor at work. K has been a regular visitor and caller, and she asked if I felt up to doing a go-to list for the self-checkouts. I can do this! I even remembered how to dismantle the top scales and everything so as to clean them! I have to log into our private associates' Walmart website and put my time in, and I'll be paid!!

Then as if that's not enough, I checked my email and wow, I found such joy there too!

I apologized to Rina and hubby for my breakdown.

Hubby said, "You didn't break down, baby. You broke THROUGH."

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Old 04-14-2016, 11:42 PM   #2
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Wise man!
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Old 04-15-2016, 03:01 AM   #3
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Wise man!
He is! I think now I'm back to myself!
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Old 04-15-2016, 03:24 AM   #4
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Good for you, you really needed this. It's hard to be strong and let everyone who loves you know that YOU ARE OKAY, especially if you have not admitted it to yourself. Now you know that all is good and can go on from this mile marker. Love ya!
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Old 04-15-2016, 04:12 AM   #5
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Good for you, you really needed this. It's hard to be strong and let everyone who loves you know that YOU ARE OKAY, especially if you have not admitted it to yourself. Now you know that all is good and can go on from this mile marker. Love ya!
Thank you soooo much! I did, and found myself!

Something needs to be said as well.

If I was rude, nasty, mean, uncaring, hateful, or otherwise horrible in my posts to all of you, I deeply apologize. I am so sorry I hurt any of you.

I was frustrated and very, very angry. Of course, that's no excuse. I have no excuse. I'm going to look back at my posts here and I will PM apologies.

Y'all have been so good to me and I'm afraid I haven't been good to you. I'm very, very sorry.

I love you all, and I'm so grateful to be here.
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Old 04-15-2016, 05:24 AM   #6
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Thank you soooo much! I did, and found myself!

Something needs to be said as well.

If I was rude, nasty, mean, uncaring, hateful, or otherwise horrible in my posts to all of you, I deeply apologize. I am so sorry I hurt any of you.

I was frustrated and very, very angry. Of course, that's no excuse. I have no excuse. I'm going to look back at my posts here and I will PM apologies.

Y'all have been so good to me and I'm afraid I haven't been good to you. I'm very, very sorry.

I love you all, and I'm so grateful to be here.
What a heartfelt, brave and wonderful post!

I can't say I have noticed you being out of kilter here but, it is very understandable that when we are stressed it does tend to show up sometimes in our posts. I am aware that myself and others here are not in the best health and it is wise and kind to make allowances for that. (I try not to let my present circumstances influence the way I post though, as much as I can).

I am so pleased you managed to release all that suppressed feeling. (I am Italian so we are naturally spontaneously cathartic! Ha!) It is great to read of your breakTHROUGH, that you are now free to enjoy life more.

Well done.
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Old 04-16-2016, 02:55 AM   #7
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What a heartfelt, brave and wonderful post!

I can't say I have noticed you being out of kilter here but, it is very understandable that when we are stressed it does tend to show up sometimes in our posts. I am aware that myself and others here are not in the best health and it is wise and kind to make allowances for that. (I try not to let my present circumstances influence the way I post though, as much as I can).

I am so pleased you managed to release all that suppressed feeling. (I am Italian so we are naturally spontaneously cathartic! Ha!) It is great to read of your breakTHROUGH, that you are now free to enjoy life more.

Well done.
Thank you! You're so sweet to say that. I did check my posts, and thank God, I wasn't rude.

Phew!

It's one thing to deal with injuries to your body, but when it comes to your brain, holy cow, that's a whole other story.
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Old 04-16-2016, 11:12 AM   #8
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I had a short phone call with CCL. We were talking about her breakthrough. I told her that sometimes you have to stop being the strong one and let others help you. You need to let them have the same purpose in life of being the strong one. By being at her side, and helping her in her recovery, it allowed them to feel good about themselves. I gave CCL some "food for thought."

And it is so true. Think about how you feel when you put that dollar bill in the kettle outside the store. Or holding a door open for a total stranger. You allow others to carry on to do for others. You feel good and let others feel good when they buy that food for those that need it most.

Standing by and allowing CCL to sob, and sob was certainly not the easiest thing that Rina and Justin did. They allowed CCL to get it all out of her system of feeling so helpless (and I am sure feeling stupid at times) and dependent on others. She was always the strong one. Even in the army. She was the leader. Well, now she has had to learn how to give up that role, even if it is just temporary. A hard thing to do for such a strong person. Rina was right in having Justin just stand by and watch the woman he has loved all these years and looked to for his support, fall completely apart.

CCL now understands that she just can't do it all by herself. She has to allow Justin to develop that "feel good" feeling about himself and do whatever he can to make his wife's recovery faster.

We all need to stop being the strong one every so often. Let others feel good about themselves and allow them to do something for us instead.
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Old 04-16-2016, 01:01 PM   #9
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Originally Posted by CrazyCatLady View Post
Thank you soooo much! I did, and found myself!

Something needs to be said as well.

If I was rude, nasty, mean, uncaring, hateful, or otherwise horrible in my posts to all of you, I deeply apologize. I am so sorry I hurt any of you.

I was frustrated and very, very angry. Of course, that's no excuse. I have no excuse. I'm going to look back at my posts here and I will PM apologies.

Y'all have been so good to me and I'm afraid I haven't been good to you. I'm very, very sorry.

I love you all, and I'm so grateful to be here.
Joyce I think you know that the members of this forum are very compassionate folks. The do understand that an injury to the head, even if it is not one directly affecting the brain, makes us do and say things that we would never do when we are in our right mind. And you have had two injuries. First the initial injury and then the blood clot. We understand that. So if you ever said or made a remark that was not called for, we know it is not the Joyce we know, love and have been pulling for.

You are going to get better, COMPLETELY. And we all know that. So we are patient and there are no apologies necessary from you.

And just think. All that frustration and anger you were keeping in your brain is now gone and you have room for more healing thoughts. And a faster recovery. Rina was right in stopping Justin from comforting you. Now Justin will get back much faster the Joyce he has known all these years and loved.

And guess what? Your wacky delightful sense of humor is coming back strong. Never lose that.
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Old 04-16-2016, 06:15 PM   #10
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Addie, such sweet, kind words! And you're so right!

Justin had NEVER seen me fall apart, ever. Not even when we thought he wasn't going to survive cancer. In fact, he likes to tell people I bullied the cancer out of him.

He did say he was pretty shocked, but realized I needed to get all that mess out. And I had forgotten what Addie said about holding a door open for a stranger. I do that all the time without thinking. And she's right! You DO kinda feel good about it!

When I was at work, nothing made me happier than to tell an elderly person, "Hey, let me load your groceries for you!

Yep ... it's my time now.
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