Bridal Shower Advice

[The Z]

Dear Friends;

We've been invited to a wedding (that we really wanted to go to) that is scheduled for President's Day Weekend. We'll be away at a long-planned ski trip in Oregon so, sadly, we will miss it.

Here's the question: Is it appropriate for my girlfriend to give the bride our "wedding" gift at her Bridal Shower since we can't go to the wedding (we've already told her we won't be there)???

Should we buy TWO gifts? We're so confused.

If two gifts are indicated, do you have any ideas for a Bridal Shower gift? What is the tradition where they are concerned?

Signed,
Ettiquettaly Challenged

 

[GB]

Two gifts would be appropriate, but there is no reason you can not give them both at the shower. Just make sure they know one is the wedding gift.

Are they registered? Most people have registries online that say exactly what they want. It makes the gift giving so easy. Just look and buy early because the longer you wait the more things get bought off the list and you end up with lousy things to choose. Don't forget though, everything on the list is something they want so you really can't go wrong.

 

[kadesma]

Z,
GB is right on target about taking both gifts to the shower. Just wrap them in different paper, one a very obvious wedding paper the other one that might say shower on it... The shower invitation will tell you what type it is, a kitchen, bath, and most likely on the bridal registry it will list, the area's of the home and what the couple has chosen to use. The computer at the store will feed you pages of items and tell you if anyone has purchased them or not. That way the couple will get just what they asked for and not 6 toasters and a garbage can

kadesma

 

[amber]

Dear Friends;

We've been invited to a wedding (that we really wanted to go to) that is scheduled for President's Day Weekend. We'll be away at a long-planned ski trip in Oregon so, sadly, we will miss it.

Here's the question: Is it appropriate for my girlfriend to give the bride our "wedding" gift at her Bridal Shower since we can't go to the wedding (we've already told her we won't be there)???

Should we buy TWO gifts? We're so confused.

If two gifts are indicated, do you have any ideas for a Bridal Shower gift? What is the tradition where they are concerned?

Signed,
Ettiquettaly Challenged

To me, it's appropriate to give the wedding gift at the bridal shower and just mention again that you wont be at the wedding. I would just give cash! Keeps it simple, no bothering with what to pick for gifts and such. As far as I can recall, and others can chime in here, cash is the most appreciate gift so that the newlyweds can use as they wish.

 

[suzyQ3]

To me, it's appropriate to give the wedding gift at the bridal shower and just mention again that you wont be at the wedding. I would just give cash! Keeps it simple, no bothering with what to pick for gifts and such. As far as I can recall, and others can chime in here, cash is the most appreciate gift so that the newlyweds can use as they wish.

I personally wouldn't give cash, unless maybe it's my own flesh and blood. But then I've had a hard enough time adjusting to this whole idea of registering for what you want. I know, I know, it's much more practical and all, but it surely seems a bit tacky to advertise what you want people to buy for your .... gift. Maybe eventually we'll all just debit one another's accounts.

I do, however, think it's perfectly okay to bring both gifts to the shower.

 

[Katie H]

It is acceptable to bring both gifts to the shower. You can avoid some of the confusion about which gift is which by the wrapping and the cards. Cards stating "A Shower Gift for You" and "Congratulations on Your Wedding" abound. Gift wrap to match is available, also.

I, too, wouldn't give money. I would much prefer giving something tangible that is on one of their registries. Plus, purchasing and wrapping a gift conveys, to me at least, that you have given some thought to the event. This, especially as you state, you really wanted to attend.

 

[amber]

I guess I was answering the Z's question as to whether they should buy two gifts, so I just thought one gift, money, would be the best route for the newlyweds IMO. But my all means, sure, bring a gift if thats important, I just thought for people starting out, money is the best gift, rather than registry items. With registry items, more than likely, people duplicate, or the couple does not like the item and has to return them.

 

[Katie H]

Speaking from experience, our daughter was married a year ago. She and her fiance were registered at a number of brick-and-block stores as well as Internet sites.

There was no duplication of gifts because as gifts were purchased, the store/site removed them from the registry. As a result, there was no risk of 2 of anything unless the bride and groom wished. Things like towels, sheets, etc., of course, were requested in numbers.

One of the nice things about this method is that the pattern, color, size, etc. of items the bride and groom desire is obvious and honored.

 

[StirBlue]

When the bride & groom have taken the time to place a registry, they are anticipating gifts to furnish their home.
Lifestyles are so different nowadays that a bride may have several small bridal showers (family, girlfriends, work, college, church....to name a few) and this is why a registry is so important.
When is a cash gift appropriate? when the bride or groom's parents pay the expense of an apartment rental (1st month, deposit, last month's rent; all requrements of an apt rental). This cash gift has a value of
$1200 to $2000 +)
When is a cash gift appropriate? When you receive a wedding announcement from a distant relative and wish to respond with a gift; a nice card and $25 is appropriate.
When is a cash gift appropriate? When the bride & groom want an expensive gift and ask for cash gifts. (52" big screen, computer, furniture)
The wedding gifts opened at a ceremony are family heirlooms being passed on to the next generation.
Wedding gifts are usually not opened at wedding ceremonies and wedding receptions. There is a family member who takes charge of the gifts and transports them home because the bride & groom often leave the reception en route to their honeymoon.
When is $5 or $10 an appropriate gift? A tip for the parking valet if the reception is held at an establishment and this person is a servant of the business.
And so on and on as wedding traditions vary from one family to the next.

 

[Candocook]

I hate the custom of giving cash--unless it is close family, and maybe not even then. The registry really helps me immensely. I know where they are shopping, what they like in their home ("no brass candlesticks, I see"), how many of whatever they have already received, AND it can be returned for something else. No problem to me.
When I was married, silver was THE gift to give, and in my particular hometown, if you couldn't give a whole place setting, then you gave something else. In DH's town, a piece of silver was "acceptable" and glad I am that it was. We did get settings--but we also got other pieces to fill out settings. This is just an example of wedding "traditions" differering.
I for one do not think you need to buy a shower gift but if the couple is very near and dear to you--and you want to, it is certainly fine to do it.

 

[suzyQ3]

When the bride & groom have taken the time to place a registry, they are anticipating gifts to furnish their home.
Lifestyles are so different nowadays that a bride may have several small bridal showers (family, girlfriends, work, college, church....to name a few) and this is why a registry is so important.
When is a cash gift appropriate? when the bride or groom's parents pay the expense of an apartment rental (1st month, deposit, last month's rent; all requrements of an apt rental). This cash gift has a value of
$1200 to $2000 +)
When is a cash gift appropriate? When you receive a wedding announcement from a distant relative and wish to respond with a gift; a nice card and $25 is appropriate.
When is a cash gift appropriate? When the bride & groom want an expensive gift and ask for cash gifts. (52" big screen, computer, furniture)
The wedding gifts opened at a ceremony are family heirlooms being passed on to the next generation.
Wedding gifts are usually not opened at wedding ceremonies and wedding receptions. There is a family member who takes charge of the gifts and transports them home because the bride & groom often leave the reception en route to their honeymoon.
When is $5 or $10 an appropriate gift? A tip for the parking valet if the reception is held at an establishment and this person is a servant of the business.
And so on and on as wedding traditions vary from one family to the next.

When is a cash gift appropriate? When the bride & groom want an expensive gift and ask for cash gifts. (52" big screen, computer, furniture)

I just cannot see how it could ever be considered appropriate for a couple to ask for cash gifts. If they're asked and respond that they would prefer cash, then that's one thing (although I still think that's a bit tacky unless it's with close relatives).

 

[VeraBlue]

Bridal shower gifts are usually something for the new home. However, usually by the time a couple actually marries, one or both of them has their own home and it's chock full of appliances, sheets, towels, dishes, etc. Those are traditional shower gifts. If they are still living at home, you have no problems choosing from almost anything that a Linens and Things or Bed, Bath and Beyond would stock. You could also ask if there is a gift registry somewhere.

As for the bringing the wedding gift to the shower....my first opinion is no, send it after the wedding. There is something about the wedding week flurry of activity that makes the arrival of wedding gifts that much more fun!
Have fun skiing!

 

[StirBlue]

Most couples are now in the workforce and co-workers are considered an extended family. Co-workers would rather chip in to buy a nice gift. Everyone gives a few bucks and a designated person buys the gift.
At the workplace, a few prank gifts are unwrapped like his/her nightshirts, bengay suntan oil (never intended to be used!), basket of unwrapped unlabeled canned goods...stupid/funny computer generated cards. And then their real gift is presented. Usually a potluck follows.
Nix on giving anyone a $8.88 handmixer, can opener or toaster. Nix giving them a towel set from Holiday Inn. Nix giving X-mas rewraps.
One church has a tradition of giving the card/money at bridal showers. The couple usually receives no more than $250 which is not very generous considering the number of people who attend.
A grudge gift is never fully appreciated.

 

[Barbara]

The only time I have given money is when some of our kids friends got married and were very young and broke! We sent a gift as well, at the wedding itself my husband left an envelope for the couple. Maybe it's because that's how we started out & we still remember over 40 years later! have fun in Oregon - favorite state of mine.

 

[jkath]

Z, I think it's really thoughtful that you're asking - it shows you really care.

I cannot speak from experience, as even though I've been married nearly 16 years, I never had a wedding shower, never registered or got wedding gifts, other than from our parents.

That said, if I were the bride-to-be, I'd appreciate my wedding gift at the shower. This way, it's being given personally, rather than just sent in the mail. With your girlfriend giving it, and also saying that the two of you cannot attend, I think it's quite gracious. Many people not attending would just forgoe the wedding gift.

Enjoy your vacation!

 

[GB]

While I agree with jkath that it is a nice personal touch to hand the gift to them instead of sending it through the mail, I personally would rather recieve those types of gifts through the mail. When I got married a few years back we had a very large shower and an even bigger wedding. That meant lots of gifts. Something to keep in mind is that the couple needs to find a way to transport all those gifts home from the shower and wedding. We had 6 cars filled with gifts after our shower and someone actually had to stay behind because we could not get them all home in one trip. We were thankful to the people who just had the gifts sent right to out house as logistically it was much easier.

 

[suzyQ3]

While I agree with jkath that it is a nice personal touch to hand the gift to them instead of sending it through the mail, I personally would rather recieve those types of gifts through the mail. When I got married a few years back we had a very large shower and an even bigger wedding. That meant lots of gifts. Something to keep in mind is that the couple needs to find a way to transport all those gifts home from the shower and wedding. We had 6 cars filled with gifts after our shower and someone actually had to stay behind because we could not get them all home in one trip. We were thankful to the people who just had the gifts sent right to out house as logistically it was much easier.

I'm curious, did people send shower gifts to your house or just wedding gifts?

While I definitely agree it's better to send wedding gifts than take them to the ceremony, I've usually thought that showers were different in that respect. It seemed that the gift-opening was an integral part of the celebration.

As for whether to take the wedding present to the shower or mail, it's a toss-up. But probably most people at the shower will also be attending the wedding, so if one or two of those who won't be able to to be there decide to bring both gifts, I doubt it would add tremendously to the burden.

I was in this situation once myself and brought both presents to the shower. The only problem I had was in making sure that the bride knew that one was for the shower and one was for the wedding and that she didn't think I was just being super generous at the shower and stiffing her on a wedding present.

 

[StirBlue]

We had a similar problem when my niece was married two years ago. The store where she was registered held the gifts stored and when storeage became a problem, they were called and asked that the gifts be picked up. The first pick up required several trips. They were called several more times to pick up gifts.
It was decided appropriate to have the gifts at the bridal shower and a lot of time and effort was taken to deliver them and then take them back home. Then there were all the smaller showers and gift toting. Not to mention the sorting of gifts for each shower.
Then there were the gifts that arrived at the wedding that had to be taken home before going to the reception and more gifts at the reception. My niece and her husband left immediately after the reception en route to their honeymoon.
It is a pipe dream that it would have been easier to have them shipped because then someone would have had to been on hand to accept the delivery. With the US Mail, FedEx, and UPS, it would have tied up the whole day. And who is home these days with that much time on their hands?
An occassional package or two after the wedding were received as her mom was checking the mail for her. Her mother was checking during lunch hour!

 

[GB]

I'm curious, did people send shower gifts to your house or just wedding gifts?

Most brought the shower gifts to the shower, but a few did send the gift ahead of time.

 

[shpj4]

I would give one terrific gift at the Bridal Shower and say it is also for the wekking.