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Old 10-10-2006, 11:07 PM   #1
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Talking Church Announcements

These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
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Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
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The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus"
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Our youth basketball team is back in action against Christ the King Baptist this Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.
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The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
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Remember in prayer the many that are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "****" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
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Don't let just worry kill you off -- let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
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The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall Music will follow.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is ****?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
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The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan: Last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."


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Old 10-10-2006, 11:11 PM   #2
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Oh geez, that was not nice to do to someone who just took a big gulp of ice tea
Loved it!
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Old 10-10-2006, 11:22 PM   #3
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I love to laugh and this post had me laughing out loud. Thanks!
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Old 10-11-2006, 04:15 AM   #4
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that's great!
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Old 10-12-2006, 10:49 AM   #5
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Wow these are so funny.
Prayer and medication to follow roflmao
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Old 10-12-2006, 11:36 AM   #6
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Quote:
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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Old 10-12-2006, 12:53 PM   #7
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Very funny! I'm just curious about what those word were that were bleeped out.
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Old 10-12-2006, 12:58 PM   #8
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I sent this to my son who has a "religious" website. Thank you!
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Old 10-12-2006, 01:15 PM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Constance
Very funny! I'm just curious about what those word were that were bleeped out.
Connie, I think it was H-E-double toothpicks. It fits and makes the entries funny.
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Old 10-12-2006, 10:03 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Constance
Very funny! I'm just curious about what those word were that were bleeped out.
Yup, Katie's right!
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Remember in prayer the many that are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "H**L" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
-------------------------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is H**L?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

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