"Discover Cooking, Discuss Life."

Go Back   Discuss Cooking - Cooking Forums > The Back Porch > Off Topic Discussions
Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
 
Old 01-22-2011, 09:17 PM   #1
Master Chef
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Galena, IL
Posts: 7,973
Delicate situations:

I hate to use the word etiquette because it has such negative connotations, but here's an awkward situation. Please feel free to come in on ones you've faced and how you dealt with it for better or worse.

For me, it is right now. We had a group who would have brunches at our houses, rotating, two couples, one widow (who had a son living nearby who would come in to help her set up and would come to the brunch with her more times than not).

Then people would hear about it and want to "join" the group. But it seems joining to them meant coming to our houses when it was our turn (it was a monthly thing), but not hosting when it would be their turn.

I guess, maybe because it was potluck (the person hosting that month would have it at their house and make the main dish, then assign the others to bring an appetizer, a side, a desert, etc), some seemed to think that they didn't need to host?

We all have 150 year or older houses that are always in various states of disrepair.

The hardest part of this is cleaning the house before, and cleaning afterwards. NOT the cooking, necessarily. When it was just a half dozen of us, we used to joke that it meant we had to clean our houses a few times a year.

After awhile several people wanted to join the group. Here's the thing, though: They didn't want to host when it was "their" turn.

So we actually just quit for a year or so.

Now a few (our original group) want to start up again, but (very small town here), I don't know about others, but I don't want to invite some of the people who could never seem to host. I thought we were re-starting the group with just the original 5 of us, plus one (the two widows sharing). The thing is I truly like, maybe even love, the people who wanted to be a part of the group, but always had an excuse why it couldn't be at their house.

How would you feel about this? How would you deal with it? One friend wants to ask the other friends to join again. Roll of eyes. Only if they'll take their turns.

__________________

__________________
Claire is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-22-2011, 10:08 PM   #2
Head Chef
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 1,722
Well, I think there could be two ways of handling it. You can decide on a limit to the number of couples in your group so that if someone else wants to join you can site that as a reason to refuse. But I understand that you might not want to be exclusive like that. So I would say to give the other folks a try but be sure that they know up front that they are expected to host. I might even consider drawing up a short list of non-negotiable rules making sure that everyone is good with them before they can join the group. I'm sure that you will hate to do this, I know I would, but it does give you an out if someone should habitually reneg when their turn comes up.
__________________

__________________
joesfolk is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-22-2011, 10:22 PM   #3
Master Chef
 
Kayelle's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: south central coast/California
Posts: 9,896
I don't blame you one bit Claire, and I know exactly what you are talking about. Years ago I belonged to a group who played "Bunco" once a month, and the hostess always provided dinner before we played the game. Twelve women were members of the club for the game/dinner, with a substitute list if someone couldn't be there for the game. That's not important in your case. Anyway, when we started we wrote up rules of membership and a requirement of membership right up front, was that once a year they would host the evening. Everyone drew a month out of the hat, so they knew ahead of time what month was theirs to host. There was lots of "month trading" that went on throughout the year, but it always worked out. We strictly limited the membership to 12, with a waiting list if someone dropped out for whatever reason. This went on for years, and every January we would draw new months for the coming year. Twelve people were manageable for us, but more than that was out of the question for most of our homes. My suggestion would be, if there are more than 12 people who want to join in your club again, you have everyone put their names in a hat and draw out 12 names, with the rest on a waiting list for drop outs.
And you are so right about this.....
Quote:
The hardest part of this is cleaning the house before, and cleaning afterwards. NOT the cooking, necessarily.
__________________
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but rather by the moments that take our breath away.

Kayelle is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-23-2011, 04:00 AM   #4
Traveling Welcome Wagon
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Somewhere, US
Posts: 15,919
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kayelle View Post
...My suggestion would be, if there are more than 12 people who want to join in your club again, you have everyone put their names in a hat and draw out 12 names, with the rest on a waiting list for drop outs.
And you are so right about this.....
I agree. Whether you draw names or have people sign up for dates, you should have a schedule. It is a lot harder to back out when you have to sign up in advance, and most people will honor the schedule. A reminder could even be sent a week in advance to remind them that their turn is coming up.

Barbara
__________________
Barbara L is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-23-2011, 06:49 AM   #5
Chef Extraordinaire
 
Zhizara's Avatar
Site Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: New Orleans, LA
Posts: 12,537
Quote:
Originally Posted by Claire View Post
I hate to use the word etiquette because it has such negative connotations, but here's an awkward situation. Please feel free to come in on ones you've faced and how you dealt with it for better or worse.

For me, it is right now. We had a group who would have brunches at our houses, rotating, two couples, one widow (who had a son living nearby who would come in to help her set up and would come to the brunch with her more times than not).

Then people would hear about it and want to "join" the group. But it seems joining to them meant coming to our houses when it was our turn (it was a monthly thing), but not hosting when it would be their turn.

I guess, maybe because it was potluck (the person hosting that month would have it at their house and make the main dish, then assign the others to bring an appetizer, a side, a desert, etc), some seemed to think that they didn't need to host?

We all have 150 year or older houses that are always in various states of disrepair.

The hardest part of this is cleaning the house before, and cleaning afterwards. NOT the cooking, necessarily. When it was just a half dozen of us, we used to joke that it meant we had to clean our houses a few times a year.

After awhile several people wanted to join the group. Here's the thing, though: They didn't want to host when it was "their" turn.

So we actually just quit for a year or so.

Now a few (our original group) want to start up again, but (very small town here), I don't know about others, but I don't want to invite some of the people who could never seem to host. I thought we were re-starting the group with just the original 5 of us, plus one (the two widows sharing). The thing is I truly like, maybe even love, the people who wanted to be a part of the group, but always had an excuse why it couldn't be at their house.

How would you feel about this? How would you deal with it? One friend wants to ask the other friends to join again. Roll of eyes. Only if they'll take their turns.
Have a one on one heart to heart talk with the friend you want to be part of your group. It may be a little awkward, but it's also a way to be a closer friend. Plain talk and honesty.
__________________

If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.
Zhizara is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-23-2011, 09:16 AM   #6
Master Chef
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Galena, IL
Posts: 7,973
The friend who wants to include just about everyone in the group I think is just lonely, and I don't want to hurt her. She, and most of our friends, have china and silver, or even glass and stainless, etc, to do a dozen or so at a sit down. 6 we can do beautifully, 8 ok. After that it is plastic and paper. I'd like this to stay just our little group, not become a larger, community thing. When I lived in Florida I mentioned the cleaning before and cleaning up after, and was told (by my family) that they'd help. Hahaha. Never, ever, did anyone arrive an hour or two before the dinner to vacuum and dust. And seldom did they stay after to help with the clean up. And that was my family, who love me.
__________________
Claire is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-23-2011, 09:18 AM   #7
Master Chef
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Galena, IL
Posts: 7,973
But I didn't mean this to be just about me. What situations have you found yourself in, and how did you handle them?
__________________
Claire is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-23-2011, 09:33 AM   #8
Chef Extraordinaire
 
Zhizara's Avatar
Site Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: New Orleans, LA
Posts: 12,537
Quote:
Originally Posted by Claire View Post
But I didn't mean this to be just about me. What situations have you found yourself in, and how did you handle them?
Somehow along the way I learned to just say what I thought. I'm glad, it makes things so much simpler.

For instance, my Dear Neighbor (DN) Margie. The walls here have NO noise insulation, in fact echoing and reverberation amplifies sound.

I just mention that I woke up when I heard her talking at 2:30 am and had been sleeping so good, her talking kept waking me up until I finally got up. Just conversation, we both know the problem, and she'll move her bed back to the other wall and in fact had already planned it.

My neighbors know that I like my privacy so we visit, but rarely more than trading books or whatnot.
__________________

If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.
Zhizara is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-23-2011, 09:40 AM   #9
Chef Extraordinaire
 
Zhizara's Avatar
Site Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: New Orleans, LA
Posts: 12,537
My other DN, Joe, hums and strums a guitar (one note, over and over). Both the guitar and Joe's voice are resonant so added to the natural resonance of the walls, halls etc., I can hear him yawn. It's a vocal yawn that sounds like the lions roaring in the Kalahari, and carries at least that far. Then he gets on the phone. I can't tell what he's saying, but the emotions come through. I just comment that he sounded upset or whatever to remind him that it's like having someone suddenly in your living room with you, uninvited, unexpected, and ongoing. One phone conversation lasted 5 hours.

I finally seem to have gotten through to him about the one note guitar. I just told him in regular conversation that it drove me nuts. I fit it into the conversation if I could until he quit.
__________________

If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.
Zhizara is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-23-2011, 01:01 PM   #10
Master Chef
 
Kayelle's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: south central coast/California
Posts: 9,896
After thinking more on this Claire, I've come up with some further ideas that might help. Why not email everyone you think might be interested with an outline the plan I mentioned above, for the "Brunch Bunch"?
For me, it's easier to be clear and straightforward with an idea in the written form. You are obviously up to that, as you are always clear and articulate here at DC. You could also extend an invitation for a "dutch treat" meal at a local restaurant to meet and discuss the plan further, and pick their month to host. My bet is that those who show up will be the ones you truly wanted from the start.
__________________

__________________
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but rather by the moments that take our breath away.

Kayelle is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off



» Discuss Cooking on Facebook

Our Communities

Our communities encompass many different hobbies and interests, but each one is built on friendly, intelligent membership.

» More about our Communities

Automotive Communities

Our Automotive communities encompass many different makes and models. From U.S. domestics to European Saloons.

» More about our Automotive Communities

Marine Communities

Our Marine websites focus on Cruising and Sailing Vessels, including forums and the largest cruising Wiki project on the web today.

» More about our Marine Communities


Copyright 2002- Social Knowledge, LLC All Rights Reserved.

All times are GMT -5. The time now is 02:07 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8 Beta 4
Copyright ©2000 - 2016, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.