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Old 07-31-2006, 03:10 PM   #1
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Empty nest advice needed

Paul and I just agreed to let David move back home!!! I'm not sure how I feel about it.

Don't get me wrong... I love my son. BUT, Paul and I really really love living alone.

He's paid his August rent at the apartment so... we've told him that he can stay for a two week trial period. I know that sounds mean and unmotherly but.. we want to make sure that he can follow our rules before saying that he can stay until November ( that's when his friend can move out and get an apartment with him).

We'll be charging him a small amount of rent...150 a month and he's agreed to buy 50 dollars worth of groceries a month, I'll make him a list, he'll do the shopping.

He's been on his own for three years now... I have a feeling that it's going to be really hard for him to come back to Mom's and follow rules.
And hard for us to have a third person living here again...

Do any of you have kids
that have come back home after living on their own?
Any advice??

smiles, T

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Old 07-31-2006, 03:27 PM   #2
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I just know Davids side and I must say:
I would never do that except there is no other chance..

Just let him live his own life, don't ask where he is going or why he comes back so late.. just accept he is not the little kid anymore...
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Old 07-31-2006, 03:47 PM   #3
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I don't think I can do that Cara... I don't care so much where he's going... but I need to know when he'll be home. I know he's 22 but... I'll still worry if he's living here and I don't know where he's at or at least when he'll be home.

I'll try though.
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Old 07-31-2006, 03:52 PM   #4
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If he expects to live in your house he should have enough respect for you to let you know when he will be home. Perhaps it would be helpful to set some ground right up front, before even the trial period. Be prepared to compromise. He is an adult, and should be treated like one even in your house. This is a tough situation for both parties. Not sure I could do it again.
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Old 07-31-2006, 03:54 PM   #5
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I know I could never go back to living with my mom again.... nope. No way.

Oh yes!! The ground rules have been set.

Thanks VA!!
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Old 07-31-2006, 03:55 PM   #6
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Just make sure, if you haven't already, that he is aware of that. Let him know up front that even though he is 22 the rule is that he needs to let you know when he will be home (and any other rules that you plan on setting). Make it very clear and also make the consequences clear. Tell him if he breaks these rules then he will have x amount of time to find a new place to live. That is if you feel you must have those rules.

I can only speak from the kids side of things as my daughter is still just a baby.

My brother moved back home for a while and lived with my parents. The realized they could not treat him as they used to. They treated him more like a stranger who rented a room. He was free to come and go as he pleased and did not have to check in, but he was considerate and would try to give a time frame when he could. That was not always possible though. He mostly just slept there. The rest of the time he was out either working or with friends.
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Old 07-31-2006, 04:25 PM   #7
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My 22 year old daughter has moved home - she's been good about letting us know where she is and how late she'll be, and we've been giving her space to be an adult. It's not perfect, but so far, it's not bad either. My main issue - and I have this with my other two girls who are still at school, too, is that they don't help out around the house unless I specifically ask - and then, it's like pulling teeth! They are spoiled, I guess. You would think we never taught them anything....and we did!
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Old 07-31-2006, 04:32 PM   #8
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Maybe it's a generational thing. I was chomping on the bit to leave home in the early 70s and would have considered it a sign of defeat to move back home.

I did move in with my sister and her bf (now husband) for about a year when I got out of grad school and moved to Chicago , and that was not always fun. Got my own apt as soon as I could afford it.
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Old 07-31-2006, 05:23 PM   #9
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ignore them, maybe they'll go away...

My son lived on campus for three years. My daughter is moving to her campus in a few weeks. With all the proper sadness, I prepared to have the home to myself during the week. Then, my son told me he plans to commute this semester, and all my plans went out the window.

Your situation sounds temporary, and I have a feeling you'll waive the two week trial period. My best advice to you is to see him as an adult son, and not the son who required supervision and curfews. Rather than rules, why not guides...like: we eat dinner at XX time. If you want to join us, let me know before I start cooking. On the other hand, if you don't plan to make dinner one night, let him know so he can make other arrangements.

End of the day, you just have to communicate with each other regarding plans and expectations. Don't make demands that you'd make of a teen. Don't ask alot of questions. Don't do his laundry. Ask for help if you need it, not because he's stuck there.. If he's paying rent, think of him as a tenant. You wouldn't ask a tenant to abide by a curfew, or even alert you to their whereabouts, nor would you ask a tenant to mow the lawn. (I imagine the lawn got mowed when he didn't live there, yes?) If you swallow hard and give him lots of space, the time will go quickly. Just don't sacrifice your privacy, or the intimate time you and your husband are used to. Be reasonable and so will he.

And....drink heavily.
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Old 07-31-2006, 05:43 PM   #10
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We're looking so forward to an empty nest that we plan on moving when it happens and not giving any forwarding address for 6 months!!!!But we have a way to go before that happens- Dennis will be getting married and moving out next summer - Kiersten on the other hand....*sigh*
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