Empty nest advice needed

[pdswife]

Paul and I just agreed to let David move back home!!! I'm not sure how I feel about it.

Don't get me wrong... I love my son. BUT, Paul and I really really love living alone.

He's paid his August rent at the apartment so... we've told him that he can stay for a two week trial period. I know that sounds mean and unmotherly but.. we want to make sure that he can follow our rules before saying that he can stay until November ( that's when his friend can move out and get an apartment with him).

We'll be charging him a small amount of rent...150 a month and he's agreed to buy 50 dollars worth of groceries a month, I'll make him a list, he'll do the shopping.

He's been on his own for three years now... I have a feeling that it's going to be really hard for him to come back to Mom's and follow rules.
And hard for us to have a third person living here again...

Do any of you have kids
that have come back home after living on their own?
Any advice??

smiles, T

 

[cara]

I just know Davids side and I must say:
I would never do that except there is no other chance..

Just let him live his own life, don't ask where he is going or why he comes back so late.. just accept he is not the little kid anymore...

 

[pdswife]

I don't think I can do that Cara... I don't care so much where he's going... but I need to know when he'll be home. I know he's 22 but... I'll still worry if he's living here and I don't know where he's at or at least when he'll be home.

I'll try though.

 

[vagriller]

If he expects to live in your house he should have enough respect for you to let you know when he will be home. Perhaps it would be helpful to set some ground right up front, before even the trial period. Be prepared to compromise. He is an adult, and should be treated like one even in your house. This is a tough situation for both parties. Not sure I could do it again.

 

[pdswife]

I know I could never go back to living with my mom again.... nope. No way.

Oh yes!! The ground rules have been set.

Thanks VA!!

 

[GB]

Just make sure, if you haven't already, that he is aware of that. Let him know up front that even though he is 22 the rule is that he needs to let you know when he will be home (and any other rules that you plan on setting). Make it very clear and also make the consequences clear. Tell him if he breaks these rules then he will have x amount of time to find a new place to live. That is if you feel you must have those rules.

I can only speak from the kids side of things as my daughter is still just a baby.

My brother moved back home for a while and lived with my parents. The realized they could not treat him as they used to. They treated him more like a stranger who rented a room. He was free to come and go as he pleased and did not have to check in, but he was considerate and would try to give a time frame when he could. That was not always possible though. He mostly just slept there. The rest of the time he was out either working or with friends.

 

[Sandyj]

My 22 year old daughter has moved home - she's been good about letting us know where she is and how late she'll be, and we've been giving her space to be an adult. It's not perfect, but so far, it's not bad either. My main issue - and I have this with my other two girls who are still at school, too, is that they don't help out around the house unless I specifically ask - and then, it's like pulling teeth! They are spoiled, I guess. You would think we never taught them anything....and we did!

 

[mudbug]

Maybe it's a generational thing. I was chomping on the bit to leave home in the early 70s and would have considered it a sign of defeat to move back home.

I did move in with my sister and her bf (now husband) for about a year when I got out of grad school and moved to Chicago , and that was not always fun. Got my own apt as soon as I could afford it.

 

[VeraBlue]

ignore them, maybe they'll go away...

My son lived on campus for three years. My daughter is moving to her campus in a few weeks. With all the proper sadness, I prepared to have the home to myself during the week. Then, my son told me he plans to commute this semester, and all my plans went out the window.

Your situation sounds temporary, and I have a feeling you'll waive the two week trial period. My best advice to you is to see him as an adult son, and not the son who required supervision and curfews. Rather than rules, why not guides...like: we eat dinner at XX time. If you want to join us, let me know before I start cooking. On the other hand, if you don't plan to make dinner one night, let him know so he can make other arrangements.

End of the day, you just have to communicate with each other regarding plans and expectations. Don't make demands that you'd make of a teen. Don't ask alot of questions. Don't do his laundry. Ask for help if you need it, not because he's stuck there.. If he's paying rent, think of him as a tenant. You wouldn't ask a tenant to abide by a curfew, or even alert you to their whereabouts, nor would you ask a tenant to mow the lawn. (I imagine the lawn got mowed when he didn't live there, yes?) If you swallow hard and give him lots of space, the time will go quickly. Just don't sacrifice your privacy, or the intimate time you and your husband are used to. Be reasonable and so will he.

And....drink heavily.

 

[VickiQ]

We're looking so forward to an empty nest that we plan on moving when it happens and not giving any forwarding address for 6 months!!!!But we have a way to go before that happens- Dennis will be getting married and moving out next summer - Kiersten on the other hand....*sigh*

 

[kadesma]

Pds,
David is a man, asking to use your home. He then must live by your rules. You on the other hand will find it hard not to "mother" him I know I tend to be and old mother hen Mine when this happened had their own keys, but had to respect the fact that dad had to be up and out by 6:30 each morning to open the pharmacy, so coming in at 4 was not acceptable reasonable hours and a yes I'll be home tonight were expected, if they ate with us I was told ahead of time, if not you ate what was prepared and didn't go running off someplace else. We, allowed friends to visit whenever, but they were expected to go by the house rules as well. Laundry was something they were responsible for when we we weren't using the machine. As for raiding the refridgerator, that is one thing we never held back on..Everything and anything to eat was for all of us, but, they were so good about helping out and bringing things home and not being asked too. House work, the girls did their rooms and would dust on staurday and vacumn, while I did our wash, they did theirs on sundays..There were moments of tension, but they come and go. Don't be afraid to say don't or no, but be eager to give a hug or thank you..If David is anything like you Pds, I don't think this will be hard, in fact I think it will be a joy for all three of you.

kadesma

 

[pdswife]

Thanks to all of you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You're all great.

 

[Chef_Jen]

Well let me put a few perspectives in th pot here...

We allowed my stepson (my husbands son) to move in with us hes 18. I kicked him out within 3 weeks I couldnt take it. I couldnt take the thought of not knowing where he is.. and knowing he should be sleeping rather then going out.

Money.. ya he was told to pay rent but what a hot party was on rent was always late.. Why because mom and dad will pick up the bill

I felt violated. living alone all this time then haveing a 3rd party come back into the house it is strange flesh and blood doesnt matter.

I feel for you. I really do and kids are kids and he wont follow the rules andhe will break your heart im sorry to say

Ok from the other side. When i go back home to visit my family in canada i stay with my parents. Now im a married woman and my mom STILL asks me where im going who im going to be with etc etc etc... how annoying.

its hard for me to adjust when im there i have my routine she has hers. nobodys fault thats just life

 

[pdswife]

wow Jen... I'm sorry that you had to go through that.

I'm not going to let David move back in already believing that he'll break the rules and my heart though. I'm going to
believe in my son and believe that HE WILL BE the good person that I know he is.

 

[amber]

I can understand your mixed feelings about your son moving back for a couple of months. I dont have experience with that yet, but I'm sure I will one day Definately set some rules.

What kind of rules do you want that would be fair to you, Paul, and your son? Make your list here so we can give you two some feedback

If it were me, my biggest concerns would be that if he comes in late he comes in quietly, clean up his messes after cooking, dont leave dirty clothes laying around. Here is a good motto for your son.... "the mess you make, is the mess you clean" , short, simple, and to the point.

I guess I would want to know what time he is coming home, because it sort of invades your intimate time. Hopefully he understands that him mom and dad are still intimate

 

[pdswife]

Hi Amber... the main rules we've given David are...

I must know if he'll be here for dinner by noon each day
and I must know what time he'll be home each night.

He must keep his room clean and the guest bath that he'll be using clean.
He must be ready to give up his room for guests if we have them...he can sleep on the floor of the bonus room.

If he eats dinner with us he will be in charge of the dishes
and empting the garbage will be his chore.

He is paid on Friday so his rent will be due on the First Friday of every month. And that's also when I will give him his grocery list. He can buy the groceries the next day.

We've also asked him to feed and water the cat and the chickens if we leave for the weekend.

And... cleaning up after himself is something he has to do too.


Not many rules... just ones that will make our lives together easier.

If we rented the room out to a stranger.. I'd leave out the knowing about when he'd be home each night and I wouldn't make him feed the chickens..but everything else would be the same.

 

[amber]

Sounds fair to me Though the bonus room doesnt sound like a bonus if he has to sleep on the floor, but hey, he's young

 

[pdswife]

hey.. he's only paying 150 in rent.. and 50 in food
with no eletric, water,gas, or phone or garbage... a few nights
on the floor won't kill him too bad. lol

 

[GB]

If it were me moving back home I would have no problem with any of those rules except the one about saying when I would be home. When kids his age go out they have no way of knowing where the night will take them. Sometimes nothing is going on and they end of coming home at 9pm. Other times you end up having so much fun that before you know it 3am has rolled around. For a young man of his age, it is very demasculating to have to tell his friends that he needs to go home because he told his mom he would be home at 11 pm. That being said, if he has agreed to these rules already then he needs to honor that commitment he made to you, no questions asked.

One thing to keep in mind though is this. He is over 21. I am making the assumption that he drinks sometimes. I am sure he is a responsible young man and does not drink and drive, but when people drink their judgment can be affected. What will happen if he has said he will be home at midnight and when it comes time for his to leave he is still a little drunk? Maybe he is not even drunk, but feels OK to drive, even though he is over the legal limit. If he does not want to get in trouble will he risk driving like that or will he wait until it is safe to drive and just risk you getting mad at him? Or have you discussed that in a situation like that he should call and say he will be later than expected?

The rule that my parents (actually just my mom) had with me was that I could stay out as late as I wanted, but I had to wake her when I got in so she knew I was safe. She also told me that she would not really sleep well or at all until she knew I was home safe so the guilt was supposed to keep me from staying out forever. The truth of the matter is that she was usually fast asleep when I came home. i would always poke my head in and let her know I was in for the night. That seemed to work well for us.

Whatever you do, as long as you all agree on it ahead of time and you all act and treat each other like adults then I am sure it will work for you.

 

[pdswife]

Gb... He does have a beer or two now and then and in that case
I would just ask for a phone call.

I can see how it would be a little hard for him to have to tell his friends he has to go home cuz, he's told mommy that he would. Ok.. maybe I'll try to let up on that rule a little.
Dang it'll be hard though.