Maidrite
Contest Winner
Thank You so much QuickSilver, And to You all for being here for Barbara and I 
Greetings, jokes, etc., for Barbara L.
- Thread starter quicksilver
- Start date
The friendliest place on the web for anyone that enjoys cooking.
If you have answers, please help by responding to the unanswered posts.
If you have answers, please help by responding to the unanswered posts.
quicksilver
Washing Up
WHAT?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization
He who laughs last.....thinks slowest
Depression is merely anger, without enthusiasm
The early bird may get the worm, but it's the second mouse who gets the cheese
Borrow money from a pessimist. They don't expect it back
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes
Whenever things are coming your way, your in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
No one is listening, until you make a mistake
You never really learn to swear, until you learn to drive
Get a new car for your spouse - It will be a great trade
If you think nobody cares - try missing a couple of payments
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand
Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye opener
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving isn't for you
He who laughs last.....thinks slowest
Depression is merely anger, without enthusiasm
The early bird may get the worm, but it's the second mouse who gets the cheese
Borrow money from a pessimist. They don't expect it back
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes
Whenever things are coming your way, your in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
No one is listening, until you make a mistake
You never really learn to swear, until you learn to drive
Get a new car for your spouse - It will be a great trade
If you think nobody cares - try missing a couple of payments
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand
Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye opener
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving isn't for you
quicksilver
Washing Up
VACATION POSTCARD
We spent most of our time sitting back on the porch watching cows playing Scrabble and reading.
Regards,
LadyCook61
Master Chef
Ever Wonder?
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
LadyCook61
Master Chef
A young executive was leaving the office late one evening, when he finds the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work for me?"
"Certainly," the young executive says. He turns the machine on, inserts the paper, and presses the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" says the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work for me?"
"Certainly," the young executive says. He turns the machine on, inserts the paper, and presses the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" says the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."
LadyCook61
Master Chef
One day there was a family driving in the car to Michigan to visit their relatives. They were looking for the street they had to turn on to get to their relatives house. They accedently turned on the wrong street so they had to pull in a driveway and turn around. When they pulled into the driveway the girl asked her mother "Why dont these people have electricity?" Very confused the mother said, "Wut are u talking about?" The girl quickly replied, "Well, the sign back there said NO OUTLET!"
LadyCook61
Master Chef
WIFE: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburettor."
HUSBAND: "Water in the carburettor? That's ridiculous."
WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburettor."
HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburettor is. I'll check it out.
Where's the car?"
WIFE: "In the pool."
HUSBAND: "Water in the carburettor? That's ridiculous."
WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburettor."
HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburettor is. I'll check it out.
Where's the car?"
WIFE: "In the pool."
LadyCook61
Master Chef
Murphy's Travel Laws
Murphy Laws For Frequent Flyers
1.No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the delay to make the flight.
2.If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate within the terminal.
3.If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed.
4.Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.
5.If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence as soon as you touch pen to paper.
6.If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Just look for the two largest passengers.
7.Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the lavatory.
8.The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to you.
9.The best-looking woman on your flight is never seated next to you.
10.The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard.
Murphy Laws For Frequent Flyers
1.No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the delay to make the flight.
2.If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate within the terminal.
3.If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed.
4.Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.
5.If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence as soon as you touch pen to paper.
6.If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Just look for the two largest passengers.
7.Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the lavatory.
8.The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to you.
9.The best-looking woman on your flight is never seated next to you.
10.The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard.
quicksilver
Washing Up
DISORDER IN THE COURT
Things people actually said in court
Things people actually said in court
*
Q.What gear were you in at the moment of impact?
A. Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q.What gear were you in at the moment of impact?
A. Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
*
Q."...And what was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?"
A."He said, " What time is it, Kathy?".
Q. "And why did that upset you?"
A. "My name is Susan."
Q."...And what was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?"
A."He said, " What time is it, Kathy?".
Q. "And why did that upset you?"
A. "My name is Susan."
*
Q."Were you present when your picture was taken?"
Q."Were you present when your picture was taken?"
*
Q."How far apart were the vehicles when the collision happened?"
Q."How far apart were the vehicles when the collision happened?"
*
Q."You were there until the time you left. Isn't that true?"
Q."You were there until the time you left. Isn't that true?"
*
Q."You say the stairs go down to the basement."
A."Yes."
Q."And these stairs, do they go up also?"
Q."You say the stairs go down to the basement."
A."Yes."
Q."And these stairs, do they go up also?"
*
Q."How was your first marriage terminated?"
A."By death
Q."And who's death was terminated."
Q."How was your first marriage terminated?"
A."By death
Q."And who's death was terminated."
*
Q."Is your appearance here this morning a result of a notice sent to your attorney?"
A."No. This is how I dress to go to work."
Q."Is your appearance here this morning a result of a notice sent to your attorney?"
A."No. This is how I dress to go to work."
*
Q."Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
A."All my autopsies are performed on dead people."
Q."And do you recall the time you examined the body?"
A."Yes. The autopsy began at 8:30pm."
Q."Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
A."No. He was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."
Q."Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
A."All my autopsies are performed on dead people."
Q."And do you recall the time you examined the body?"
A."Yes. The autopsy began at 8:30pm."
Q."Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
A."No. He was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."
quicksilver
Washing Up
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~2 wire mesh butchering gloves. 1-5 fingers, 1-3 fingers. Like new! pair - $15.
~COWS FOR SALE Also 1 Gay Bull.
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~Georgia Peaches. California Growns 89&Lb.
~OUR SOFA WILL SEAT THE WHOLE MOB. 100% Italian Leather. $550.
~!JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Selling washer/dryer $300.
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quicksilver
Washing Up
Oh, LC. Thanks for joining.
I was feeling like a party of 1!
I was feeling like a party of 1!
Barbara L
Traveling Welcome Wagon
Thanks for all the jokes and stories!
Okay, here is one for you:
What is the best part of being in the hospital?
Getting out, of course! Okay, so it wasn't funny--it is true!
Thanks again! I loved them.
Barbara
Okay, here is one for you:
What is the best part of being in the hospital?
Getting out, of course! Okay, so it wasn't funny--it is true!
Thanks again! I loved them.
BarbaraSimilar threads
