oh wow Katie, from reading your posts i would have placed heavy bets on your coming from a close-knit, loving family--precisely because you are such a warm, loving and appreciative person yourself.
how in the world have you managed to break the cycle of a dysfunctional family experience? so many of us vow not to repeat the abusive behaviors to which we were subjected as children, only to continue, to our horror, the very objectionable cycle, in our own adult lives. we find that, against everything we hold dear, we grow into adulthood, somehow doomed to walk in the much despised footsteps of our violent, abusive, neglectful mothers and fathers. it takes more than desperately wishing to become a loving and nurturing parent, avoiding past mistakes of our experience. what did you do, Katie, that was different, that made you succeed in breaking the mold which all too often is imprinted from mother and father to their children, for generations to follow?
you deserve every minute of your enviable life and family, Katie. you helped to create this loving environment which surrounds and enriches your life today.
Thank you, vitauta. Yes, I did break the cycle. I made up my mind when I left home that I would NEVER subject anyone to the environment I was forced to endure.
The first thing I did was to distance myself from anyone's abusive behavior, this included my first husband who turned out to be not so nice once the ink was dry on the marriage license. That was especially difficult because I left him with 3 small children, 2 still in diapers. At that time, finding daycare for children that small was nearly impossible but I persevered and found a wonderful, loving woman who did childcare in her home and accepted my children. To this day, her oldest daughter and my daughter are like sisters.
I also fought every step of the way to provide a normal, loving life and home for my children when I was a single mother. It nearly wore me out at times but I kept my eyes on the prize...a healthy family life and happiness. I quit a very good, well-paying job because I realized that all of us spent too much time on the road going to/from work and/or daycare and not enough time together at home.
Because of the abuse growing up (often severely physical), it was a challenge for me to discipline my children firmly. I didn't want to cross the line from discipline with love to a beating. I was
always conscious of whether I was angry when I disciplined my children. If I felt the least bit of anger, I held off and waited until I became more calm inside.
It did take years for me to understand and accept that I am a capable person. All the time spent in my family home being emotionally and physically beaten down, plus the nearly 10 years under the "management" of my ex-husband took a serious toll on my self-confidence.
I also have to give a huge amount of credit to Buck who met me at about the lowest time of my struggle. He had a big heart and nurtured me, and my children. We had 32 wonderful years building our blended family and all our children are happy, healthy, well-adjusted adults.
My children are now in their 40s, with children of their own and I can, safely, say that the cycle has been broken because these families that are going forward are loving, caring, reasonable, emotionally healthy and happy.
I didn't do it all by myself, but it did take a generation to get it done.
. Sits down with his food and let's my elderly mother stand
