How to explain to a 4 year old...

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It is hard - I just told my sons the truth when our cat was run over, I think Jonathan was 4/5 and Nicholas 6/7. They were sad for a while and didn't want to talk. I made myself available, but they mainly dealt with themselves, with lots of cuddles in between.

They were a bit older when first my grandfather & then my grandmother dies, whom they had been very close, they struggled more but came through in the end.
 
Sorry Bucky, explaining death to kids, particularly very young ones, is tough. Since we as adults don't have a good grasp upon it ourselves.

At four, and I went through it at that age with a dog called Petie, I would not get too complicated. Explain that the pet was sick and went to a better place. It might be easier if you had the vet euthanize but that is your call certainly. Answer the questions and see where it goes.

Let the child lead the conversation.

That is all I can offer.
 
Bucky - there is no doubt in my mind that the right words will come. Wow - we have quite a group of people here, don't we? We pull together when one of our own is hurting. You've gotten some good advice here and, like I said, I know you will know what to say because you are a good man and a good father.

My thoughts and prayers are going out to your son and you...and doodie.
 
You've gotten some good advice. My advice is for afterwards. It helped my daughter to do something to memorialize her favorite cat. She made a special grave marker for him (he was buried in the back yard). She also kept a picture of Hawney and herself on her wall.

Fortunately children are very resilient.

Barbara
 
I sure don't have anything to add to what everyone has told you. It's tough. I remember trying to explain to my youngest about my mom, he was 4 then. He cried, but, I think that was because his big brother, he used to idolize him, was crying. When they are that young, you just do the best you can in telling them what you feel they will understand and be able to handle. Bless you BT for caring enough to worry about it!! Some guys just say, it's an animal, get over it. DH used to be that way, but, not anymore!!
 
Bucky,
I had to deal with this many times and each child and each situation was different..My Cade, new my little dog Maggie was old and ill..On the day we had her put down, he new she had died, but his mom brought him to be with me when we took her to the vet for cremation..He got in the car and asked me was that Mags I was holding in the blanket yes I said..He asked as he pointed up is she up there with Bompa and Nana and Guiness..Yes, Ma, will Guiness play with her..I told him yes and Bompa had a dog cookie for her and Nana was going to let her sleep in her lap.. He reached over patted the blanket and said I'll miss you Maggs and then Okay then Ma,I will only cry a little cuz you are sad and Ma, yes Cade, can I spend the night to keep you company? See Bucky, he was only just turning 6 and he accepted because he believed that Maggie was not alone and scared...Your little guy has you and his mommy and he loves you above all else..Give him a vision of a beautiful sun filled place with people who loved the cat and other animals to play with..Comfort for kitty and your son will feel the love and warmth.
kadesma, Mrs talky sends a hug.
 
thanks again everyone.

the race home for dinner tonight was just as crazed, but much less joyful than usual. dw is really broken up about doodie. it's hard to see our cat who was once the tough guy, the matriarch of our pride reduced to her current self. she is/was a remarkable little being. the kind of cat even dog lovers would like. not aloof or snobby, ever, but playful and quick and powerful in a way that made you notice. she could make a face that let you know the game was on: her brilliant green eyes would sink deeply into her intimidating, furrowed brow, and her left paw would be as ready as a gunslinger's twitchy hand.
but the second you stopped playing, she would become a big lover.

she was affectionate at any time you asked, and a lot of times you didn't. she wasn't a normal cat by any means.

we weren't sure if she could get out of her bed tonight, but i found her in the kitchen by her water bowl. so i grabbed the bowl of tuna that dw put by her bed, and she had a little. that gave me a bit of encouragement that she may make it through tomorrow. i really hope she doesn't go on mother's day.
if she does make it to monday, i'll have to start thinking about playing god. :(


ok, well, thank you all. i can't say that enough. elfie's right.

when i get home tonight, i'm going to lay on the couch and put her on my chest, with her forehead tucked under my chin one last time.
 
I'm sorry for the pain you are in and the hurt you feel over the future pain of your son. Know that my prayers are with you and I know you will find the right words of comfort for him and the rest of your family. Again, sorry for your pain. Dawn :(
 
when i get home tonight, i'm going to lay on the couch and put her on my chest, with her forehead tucked under my chin one last time.
Gad, that's tough. Stroke her for all of us Bucky...

Well Bucky, this is a hard one.
Little ones don't understand that certain living things are finite.
It's God's creature and He has the last word or answer on how long any of us or our loving pets will be here on this earth.
Do a sweet ceremony.
Say a good bye prayer with him about your pet.
I think it may affect him for a while Bucky, but in the long run, and probably soon, he'll be back to normal. That's just my thought on it.
Hope he's okay.
You're a good daddy, you'll handle it perfectly Bucky.
 
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Sorry I missed this one BT.
Explaining to my 4yo why we were giving away our cat was hard enough, I dont know that saying he just wasn't alive anymore would be any easier.
I hope everything went ok and the litle guy is ok. They bounce back faster than you would ever believe. Better to tell him than hide it, that hurts them worse.
 
one more thank you.

well, we made it through today, thankfully. it broke my heart to see dw crying all day. when our son asked what was wrong, we just kept answering that we were sad that doodie was very sick. as far as explaining it all to him, well, we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.

when i brought doodie upstairs to lay on the bed with us this morning, my boy hugged her gently and said he hoped she feels better soon, and that he loved her.

as if i needed another reminder of how precious life is.

at least we're getting a chance to say goodbye. the only thing worse than death is not being able to do that.
 
BT- sorry to hear about your kitty. Death is hard for anyone to understand, but I think children deal with it better than adults due to the fact that they still have a childs imagination. Children understand that the pet or person is not comming back, but they make their own story of why, and that is what helps them cope with the loss. Just be there for your little guy when he needs a hug or just needs to talk about his kitty. The hardest thing to do is see your child in pain and know you can't stop it. Another thing is letting him see your upset and sad. Let him know it's alright to cry and it's alright not to cry. I'm glad your getting a chance to say goodbye and let your kitty know how much it is loved. I do love the star idea for a young child I think that is brilliant. take care. (((((((((((buckytom)))))))))))))
 
Bucky, I'm so sorry to hear about your cat. DH and I just went through this last fall, although we don't have children. We now have three cats buried in our back yard. I know this is a really tough time for you, but I know you and your family will get through it. Take care.
 
Just want to let you know I'm sending you a hug for having to be the stoic man in all of this with your kitty. I know your boy is watching your every move and is learning by your example how to be a good guy, even when it is difficult.
 
Awww, BT, this is so sad. Not only are you and your wife having to watch Doodie slip away, you have to figure out how to help your boy handle it.

I've dealt with this quite a few times over the years and the only thing I can say is there is no one-size-fits-all way to explain it. All the advice has been very good so think about your son's personality and go from there.

My oldest daughter had a very rough time with the concept of euthanasia for a very old pet. She was about your son's age and expressed worry every time one of the younger pets got sick or went to the vet for a couple of years. She was convinced that's where they kill animals. Of course, she's OK now and understands.

Fisher had the misfortune of having a beloved older pet and his grandfather die when he was 2 1/2. He was very verbal even then and the next couple of years brought many questions about how old is "old"? (In reference to a loved one getting old and dying.) Then later, he was worried that because all living things eventually die, we would all die and leave him alone. Thankfully, we were patient and answered the same questions over and over and now at 5, he has a good handle on how things work and isn't worried. He was very sad when my brother died but it didn't cause him anxiety because he has a pretty good understanding of death now.

Then I've had other children who just accepted death as a very sad thing but didn't seem to worry much about it later. Anyway, just be ready to reassure your boy for as long as it takes if he has a really rough time with this. You're such a good and tender father that I know you'll be able to help him through this. I'll be thinking about ya'll.
 
Sending you and your family many hugs. I'm afraid we might be going through this in the next year too.

As always, you are a wonderful father. I'm sure he will ask many questions, and I say just be honest with him but sensitive.

Thinking of all of you.
 
Dear BuckyTom,

I am so sorry for your situation. I know how hard it is to lose a pet when you are an adult, but to explain it to a child is beyond words. This is where not being a real parent shows. I will pray for you and your wife to have the right words, and for your son to have that awesome understanding that seems to only come with childhood. Take care.
 
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