When I first wake up, I am "awake" in name only until I get my daily dose of caffeine. You might say vertical is a strictly honorary position. But there is usually someone in the house who woke up bright eyed and bushy tailed and want to tell me all about something
, and usually in excrutiating detail.
As a result, I've come up with a simple list of rules which apply to anyone wanting my attention the second I step off the train from dream-world.
1. If your going to tell me something, just tell me without waiting for a response. I'm in no mood for pop quizes.
2. I'm either going to know who your talking about or not. If I know, there is no reason to wait for me to say "Uh-Huh" before continuing your story. If I don't, hearing their entire genealogy is not going to help. Get on with it.
3. At this point in my day 2+2=who cares? Math isn't my strong point when I'm at my best so please don't expect me to solve differential equations with a toothbrush in my mouth.
4. This is not the best time of the day to discuss lists of chores. I'm still in denial that I am facing the new day that is looming ominiously ahead of me. Please let reality creep up on me slowly.
5. Asking me to remember anything said to me when I first wake up is like deer hunting in a heavy fog. At this point I am having a hard time remembering my own name so why would you possibly think I'm going to remember to pick up your dry-cleaning on the way home?
6. Shoving a field-trip permission slip under my nose at 6:00 am is a good way to get something signed without being read. I'm convinced that some day my kids will come home from school glowing brightly after spending the day at a neuclear waste disposal facility.
7. We men are not paragons of fashion. Even in our best moments we cannot discern light blue from aqua-marine, let alone when we are in a hypo-caffeinated state of color blindness. You could walk out of the house dressed like Bozo the Clown and we'll still kiss you and say "You look fine dear, good luck at the board meeting".
8. In a half-awake foggy state men will typically answer questions as a knee-jerk response with no thought what-so-ever about possible consequences. So please don't ask me if that dress makes you look fat, I'd like to see my children grow up.
9. Asking daddy to tie your shoes first thing in the morning will usually result in the question "To What?"
10. Thankfully the U.S. Mint has made the pictures bigger so I can now tell George Washington from Benjamin Franklin and my children no longer have to ask the teacher if she can break a hundred when collecting milk money.
~ Raven ~