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Old 09-07-2007, 04:23 PM   #1
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I need bereaving help

My oldest son, most of you already know of some of the heck he has been through, just called me hysterical. Now, you have to understand, this kid NEVER gets like this. He's 22 and laid back, but, a temper when pushed too much.
He was talking to a friend in his 40's at work and the friend got dizzy and sat down, ds asked if he was okay and the friend told him yes. Next thing ds knew, the guy was on the floor. He died!!! He had a brain aneurysm. How do you console {sp} him for something like this? I'm hurting just from the pain he has. He is crying so hard. He said that what is killing him is that he is the last person on earth to hear his voice or see him alive. This guy trained my son and has been kind of a mentor with him at work. He's hurting and I can't do anything about it!!!
I am so lost. I know there is someone here that has gone through something similar. What do I do other than giving him a shoulder???

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Old 09-07-2007, 04:37 PM   #2
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Gosh what a tragedy and I am sure it has a psychological affect on your son. I have had two things in my life that reminds me of this. My aunt died instantly. She was working in the kitchen and was entertaining some guests. I was much younger than. She was walking from one room to another and I was swinging (on one of the sofa swings that are popular in India). She held my hand as her legs gave up and collapsed. The ambulance came a little later and took her to the hospital and she died. I could not get over it.

Given I was the person whose hand she had right before she collapsed. Only time took care of it. Obviously her kids were devastated and more people were there to give them a shoulder than me and I was much younger (10 maybe). In time I got over it. Sometimes trying not to think about it helps. I know it's not healthy because you don't accept it but it works for me.

Years later my brother died in a freak accident. Given he was the younger one and I was left as the only child and my parents were devastated the bereavement went on longer. To add to the misery I had delivered a baby just 4 weeks prior to his sudden death. Luckily I was not there when it happened. I can tell you one thing. While I was in Canada at that time with my small baby I did not go to his funeral. Sounds weird but psychologically I just was not ready to accept it. Today when I remember him I can see his face as if he was living because I never saw him dead.

Again that pain has not diminished even after 7 years but as they say time is the best healer and with time your son will be fine. Just be there to support him. Sometimes crying is a good outlet. We all need to express ourselves. Bottling up is dangerous in such situations.
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Old 09-07-2007, 04:43 PM   #3
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Thank you, Yakuta!!
That really must have been painful for you. I know that time will help. I just hate seeing him so hurt. I'm just lost as what to do for him. I'm at work and he's at home alone with nothing to do but think about it all again and again.
I've had friends die when I was younger, but, I wasn't there when it happened. That pain is enough knowing that I woudln't see them again. DS has to go to work everyday knowing that he isn't going to be there beside him working, because they worked side by side. I'm just glad that it is Friday and he will have a couple of days to heal a little. It's going to be hard on him Monday.
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Old 09-07-2007, 04:47 PM   #4
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Goodness, that is very sad. If it were me, I would let him cry and tell him that if he wants to talk you are there for him. Maybe he could offer to help the man's family as a way pay tribute to him for his help and mentoring. My prayers are with you and your son.
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Old 09-07-2007, 05:01 PM   #5
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Texas,
when I was 19 I had been staying with my grandma for 3 days helping her..My dad called and siad mom needed help at home and he would come get me later that day..I sat down with my gram to listen to the radio and fell asleep, when I woke up she was just coming in the door from the yard, doing just waht she was NOT to do..I felt so bad..I went home, and at 1o that night my aunt who was a nurse called said gram was sick and wanted my mom and I to come take turns sitting with her. We got there, my aunt had just given her an injection of a pain med for the heart pain, the doc was much to busy at a party to come. I was asked to sit with gram while my aunt talked to my mom. They left the room, gram got sick at her stomach asked me to sit on the bed by her.I did and put my arm around her and she reached over grabed my arm leaned her head on me as she got ill, her hand tightened on my arm and she just died right there..I remember yelling for my aunt and having my aunt have to loosen grams hand from my arm..It took me many months to just come to grips with the fact I was unable to do anything. I do still remember her calling my name as she left us and now these many years later, I can remember that without wanting to cry..I had no one to comfort me, I just had to get over it by myself as mom and gramps were both just numb and needed all the attention they could get. So be there for your boy..Let him talk,and talk and talk if need be..Let him cry,be angry, but let him know you love him and understand his pain and that he can come to you for anything or just to sit in silence if that is what he needs...Being alone and ignored is so hurtfull, I know, I've been there.
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Old 09-07-2007, 05:12 PM   #6
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Miss Texas girl. If he is home alone, maybe you could call one of his friends to go over and spend some time with him. He needs someone to listen to him..someone to "vent" his hurt feelings too.
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Old 09-07-2007, 05:13 PM   #7
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Hi Tex, I'm so sorry your son has lost someone he admired and worked with. Death is a tough thing to deal with, especially in our culture. In general, we distance ourselves from many of the important stages in life. For the most part, we birth and die in hospitals, generally surrounded by strangers or those not emotionally involved. So when circumstances bring these things close to us, we don't know how to react.

Please tell your son that despite how painful it is to lose a friend, he was honored to witness his passing. Were it not for your son, this man might have died alone and that would have been dreadful. And he is further honoring this man by mourning his death. How many people pass unnoticed and unmourned? His feelings speak to what a fine man his friend was.

Let your son talk to you about how he's feeling, even if he goes over the same thing a few times. He has indeed witness a momentous, though very sad, event and he's wise to recognize it at his young age. I hope he will be able to work through his grief, and I'm sure you will be there to help him. (I hope this didn't sound weird.)

Terry
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Old 09-07-2007, 05:15 PM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Uncle Bob View Post
Miss Texas girl. If he is home alone, maybe you could call one of his friends to go over and spend some time with him. He needs someone to listen to him..someone to "vent" his hurt feelings too.
He went down to a friends house to ahve a beer of all things. But, if it helps, I don't care. Thank you!!
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Old 09-07-2007, 05:16 PM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Fisher's Mom View Post
Hi Tex, I'm so sorry your son has lost someone he admired and worked with. Death is a tough thing to deal with, especially in our culture. In general, we distance ourselves from many of the important stages in life. For the most part, we birth and die in hospitals, generally surrounded by strangers or those not emotionally involved. So when circumstances bring these things close to us, we don't know how to react.

Please tell your son that despite how painful it is to lose a friend, he was honored to witness his passing. Were it not for your son, this man might have died alone and that would have been dreadful. And he is further honoring this man by mourning his death. How many people pass unnoticed and unmourned? His feelings speak to what a fine man his friend was.

Let your son talk to you about how he's feeling, even if he goes over the same thing a few times. He has indeed witness a momentous, though very sad, event and he's wise to recognize it at his young age. I hope he will be able to work through his grief, and I'm sure you will be there to help him. (I hope this didn't sound weird.)

Terry
Nothing sounds weird! I know what your saying. Thank you!
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Old 09-07-2007, 05:16 PM   #10
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Texasgirl, I'm so sorry. What a tough thing to have to go through. Reassure your son that having someone he cared about nearby when he passed away was likely comforting to his friend. Also, if you can, get him to journal some of his feelings about this. How senseless it is etc. If he is at all artistic, encourage him to draw or paint or whatever it is he does to express himself. If he is a "doer", then encourage him to get out and run, bike, walk or whatever...just to get some time to clear his head.

And most of all, what you have already heard, listen, hug and let him do what he needs to do. This is one of those life lessons we all have to figure out on our own. All you can do is be his touchstone when he needs to check in. You raised a good boy, he will work through this.
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