I need bereaving help

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texasgirl

Master Chef
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Apr 16, 2005
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North Texas
My oldest son, most of you already know of some of the heck he has been through, just called me hysterical. Now, you have to understand, this kid NEVER gets like this. He's 22 and laid back, but, a temper when pushed too much.
He was talking to a friend in his 40's at work and the friend got dizzy and sat down, ds asked if he was okay and the friend told him yes. Next thing ds knew, the guy was on the floor. He died!!! He had a brain aneurysm. How do you console {sp} him for something like this? I'm hurting just from the pain he has. He is crying so hard. He said that what is killing him is that he is the last person on earth to hear his voice or see him alive. This guy trained my son and has been kind of a mentor with him at work. He's hurting and I can't do anything about it!!!:cry:
I am so lost. I know there is someone here that has gone through something similar. What do I do other than giving him a shoulder???
 
Gosh what a tragedy and I am sure it has a psychological affect on your son. I have had two things in my life that reminds me of this. My aunt died instantly. She was working in the kitchen and was entertaining some guests. I was much younger than. She was walking from one room to another and I was swinging (on one of the sofa swings that are popular in India). She held my hand as her legs gave up and collapsed. The ambulance came a little later and took her to the hospital and she died. I could not get over it.

Given I was the person whose hand she had right before she collapsed. Only time took care of it. Obviously her kids were devastated and more people were there to give them a shoulder than me and I was much younger (10 maybe). In time I got over it. Sometimes trying not to think about it helps. I know it's not healthy because you don't accept it but it works for me.

Years later my brother died in a freak accident. Given he was the younger one and I was left as the only child and my parents were devastated the bereavement went on longer. To add to the misery I had delivered a baby just 4 weeks prior to his sudden death. Luckily I was not there when it happened. I can tell you one thing. While I was in Canada at that time with my small baby I did not go to his funeral. Sounds weird but psychologically I just was not ready to accept it. Today when I remember him I can see his face as if he was living because I never saw him dead.

Again that pain has not diminished even after 7 years but as they say time is the best healer and with time your son will be fine. Just be there to support him. Sometimes crying is a good outlet. We all need to express ourselves. Bottling up is dangerous in such situations.
 
Thank you, Yakuta!!
That really must have been painful for you. I know that time will help. I just hate seeing him so hurt. I'm just lost as what to do for him. I'm at work and he's at home alone with nothing to do but think about it all again and again.
I've had friends die when I was younger, but, I wasn't there when it happened. That pain is enough knowing that I woudln't see them again. DS has to go to work everyday knowing that he isn't going to be there beside him working, because they worked side by side. I'm just glad that it is Friday and he will have a couple of days to heal a little. It's going to be hard on him Monday.
 
Goodness, that is very sad. If it were me, I would let him cry and tell him that if he wants to talk you are there for him. Maybe he could offer to help the man's family as a way pay tribute to him for his help and mentoring. My prayers are with you and your son.
 
Texas,
when I was 19 I had been staying with my grandma for 3 days helping her..My dad called and siad mom needed help at home and he would come get me later that day..I sat down with my gram to listen to the radio and fell asleep, when I woke up she was just coming in the door from the yard, doing just waht she was NOT to do..I felt so bad..I went home, and at 1o that night my aunt who was a nurse called said gram was sick and wanted my mom and I to come take turns sitting with her. We got there, my aunt had just given her an injection of a pain med for the heart pain, the doc was much to busy at a party to come. I was asked to sit with gram while my aunt talked to my mom. They left the room, gram got sick at her stomach asked me to sit on the bed by her.I did and put my arm around her and she reached over grabed my arm leaned her head on me as she got ill, her hand tightened on my arm and she just died right there..I remember yelling for my aunt and having my aunt have to loosen grams hand from my arm..It took me many months to just come to grips with the fact I was unable to do anything. I do still remember her calling my name as she left us and now these many years later, I can remember that without wanting to cry..I had no one to comfort me, I just had to get over it by myself as mom and gramps were both just numb and needed all the attention they could get. So be there for your boy..Let him talk,and talk and talk if need be..Let him cry,be angry, but let him know you love him and understand his pain and that he can come to you for anything or just to sit in silence if that is what he needs...Being alone and ignored is so hurtfull, I know, I've been there.
kadesma
 
Miss Texas girl. If he is home alone, maybe you could call one of his friends to go over and spend some time with him. He needs someone to listen to him..someone to "vent" his hurt feelings too.
 
Hi Tex, I'm so sorry your son has lost someone he admired and worked with. Death is a tough thing to deal with, especially in our culture. In general, we distance ourselves from many of the important stages in life. For the most part, we birth and die in hospitals, generally surrounded by strangers or those not emotionally involved. So when circumstances bring these things close to us, we don't know how to react.

Please tell your son that despite how painful it is to lose a friend, he was honored to witness his passing. Were it not for your son, this man might have died alone and that would have been dreadful. And he is further honoring this man by mourning his death. How many people pass unnoticed and unmourned? His feelings speak to what a fine man his friend was.

Let your son talk to you about how he's feeling, even if he goes over the same thing a few times. He has indeed witness a momentous, though very sad, event and he's wise to recognize it at his young age. I hope he will be able to work through his grief, and I'm sure you will be there to help him. (I hope this didn't sound weird.)

Terry
 
Miss Texas girl. If he is home alone, maybe you could call one of his friends to go over and spend some time with him. He needs someone to listen to him..someone to "vent" his hurt feelings too.

He went down to a friends house to ahve a beer of all things. But, if it helps, I don't care. Thank you!!
 
Hi Tex, I'm so sorry your son has lost someone he admired and worked with. Death is a tough thing to deal with, especially in our culture. In general, we distance ourselves from many of the important stages in life. For the most part, we birth and die in hospitals, generally surrounded by strangers or those not emotionally involved. So when circumstances bring these things close to us, we don't know how to react.

Please tell your son that despite how painful it is to lose a friend, he was honored to witness his passing. Were it not for your son, this man might have died alone and that would have been dreadful. And he is further honoring this man by mourning his death. How many people pass unnoticed and unmourned? His feelings speak to what a fine man his friend was.

Let your son talk to you about how he's feeling, even if he goes over the same thing a few times. He has indeed witness a momentous, though very sad, event and he's wise to recognize it at his young age. I hope he will be able to work through his grief, and I'm sure you will be there to help him. (I hope this didn't sound weird.)

Terry

Nothing sounds weird! I know what your saying. Thank you!
 
Texasgirl, I'm so sorry. What a tough thing to have to go through. Reassure your son that having someone he cared about nearby when he passed away was likely comforting to his friend. Also, if you can, get him to journal some of his feelings about this. How senseless it is etc. If he is at all artistic, encourage him to draw or paint or whatever it is he does to express himself. If he is a "doer", then encourage him to get out and run, bike, walk or whatever...just to get some time to clear his head.

And most of all, what you have already heard, listen, hug and let him do what he needs to do. This is one of those life lessons we all have to figure out on our own. All you can do is be his touchstone when he needs to check in. You raised a good boy, he will work through this.
 
texasgirl said:
He went down to a friends house to ahve a beer of all things. But, if it helps, I don't care. Thank you!!

This is good!! He does not need to be alone right now. If he over indulges a little bit. Stay cool, and just love him! ((((((DS))))))))
 
Time and talking are two of the best helps in situations like this. Your son clearly admired the gentleman and that's the legacy he left your son. We never know what kind of influence a person has on us but, chances are, this man's influence will become part of who your son is and will become. That's one of the finest honors he can pay his friend. In that, he will not be dead because he will be living in your son.

I lost my father suddenly 34 years ago and there are times when I still have difficulty with the loss. However, the happy memories and some of the discussions I have with my siblings about Daddy are "warm fuzzies" that help dull the sadness.

Just hold your son, if he allows, and be there when he needs to talk. You've raised a fine young man and he will be okay...in time.
 
You guys have no idea how much I care about all of you. This is the first place I thought to come to. I knew that I would feel better being here and I do!! He knows I am always there for him. And even his dad is understanding. Normally, he isn't, no matter what is going on. He just tells them to suck it up and deal with it. Not this time, thank goodness. I would probably have to crack one of my nice pans over his head!!
 
My daughter's beloved grandpa died and her best friend was beaten to death in the same week. Her grandpa had been sick for a long while, so it wasn't anything unexpected when he died, but her friend's death was terribly brutal. An ex-boyfriend who had been harassing her found her alone, and went ballistic. She was a strong girl, and the type that would fight back, but he beat her so badly with a hammer that they couldn't even tell if she was a man or a woman.
Kerrie and I talked about it, but she never cried in front of me, nor did she open up much to her husband. She goes out to the cemetery to talk to them once in a while...just as she went to her sister's grave, after she was killed. In fact, when they were younger, she and her friend used to go to the cemetery late at night and "burn one with Jamie" now and then.

I guess what we all have to learn is that life is hard, and it's not fair. Bad things do happen to good people, and there's not a thing we can do about it. It's all just a roll of the bones. When your number comes up, it's time to go.

We hate to see our children hurting, but it's part of growing up. And we never stop growing up...in fact, I still have a long way to go, and I'm 60.

There's a saying that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, and I believe that's true. I thought I would die when my daughter was killed, but I didn't. There was a little 3 year old boy whose mommy had died and whose dad was a junky. I didn't think there was any way I could cope with raising that child, but, with my husband's support, I stepped up to the plate and did what had to be done.

Texas, the best thing your son could be doing right now is having a few beers with a friend. I'll be sending supportive vibes his way, and Bless his heart!
 
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He went down to a friends house to ahve a beer of all things. But, if it helps, I don't care. Thank you!!


I am in this camp too, TXGirl.

The only thing one can do in this type of situation, is listen. Moms love can heal a LOT of things too.

I know that is a traumatic experience, but I hope he knows he was at no fault. Things like this just happen sometimes.

He will blow off some steam, and I am sure he won't be himself, but I trust that he is strong enough to bounce back.

positive thought to you and yours.
 
:)Wow!How sad and he has been thru so much already dont know what else to say.If he is spiritual in any way it may help him to know that this man who was in a sence his guardian on the job he will also be looking on him from above from now on and that he really isnt gone except on the physical level.
 
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TG, I'm not really good with this type of thing, but here goes. I have been through similar experiences, including being at my father's death bed with him asking--he was using a pad and pen because he was on a vent--asking me to do something that I was never able to fully understand. Sometimes I think it was one thing, sometimes another. I have tried to do whatever it might have been, but I'm never sure. My consolation is that I have tried to be the son that he raised me to be and hope that I would, based on what he taught me, have automatically done what he asked. The fact is, we are mortal creatures, and the end comes when it will. All we can do is make the time we have count as much as we can, love whom we love while they live, mourn our losses, and move on knowing that others will have to do the same when we pass. I feel for your son; he has a lot of processing to do. For the short term, a few beers and some friends to talk to is a a good thing. In the end we all have to work out our own terms with death, but it is always a help to have someone to listen and someone who cares.
 
:)The other thing your son needs to know is he was born with a big kind heart I understand this totally he takes things really hard as I do and really feels these events and lets his emotions take over but thats Ok because the world needs people like us and others here on DC and in the world.There are so many people in the world who will just say what a shame and forget about it and carry on.So there has to be a balance some of us cry over every dead dog or other creature on the road and people and some people dont think twice.Maybe its a blessing or a curse I prefer to think of it as a blessing even tho its painful someone has to acknowledge the end of life whether a creature or human known or unknown.But one thing he needs to know he is already man with a huge heart and a great soul.What he has as I do is a great sense of empathy and as hard as it is to deal with be grateful you have that feeling so much better than not feeling at all.Im not saying we cry over every death but we do know the ones we need to do this for sometimes personal sometimes not.The last person I did not know personally was Princess Diana in my wildest dreams I did not expect to be upset for her death.So you never know.
 
I have lost 2 wives to cancer and I am losing one now to ALS and for your son to be so young and be so devastated is very understandable, Check and see if there is a hospice grief counselor in your town/city they have helped me tremendously in the past and are now on board for my wife now. Right now your son feels empty talk and be as loving as you can he will G d willing get over it it may take a year so be it
 
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