I need some advice

[expatgirl]

I agree totally with Barbara-----bear it for the sake of your grandchildren--who knows what is going on and she very well may be overwhelmed by all the responsibility that she is shouldering in additon to the expectation of a newborn. Try and not take it personally---it's your grandchildren who will give you unconditional love and acceptance. And in time, maybe your d-i-l will, too. Just think of how happy you will be when that first GRANDSON comes along!!!!!! Sail forward, bring your camera, and smile..............

 

[PA Baker]

I'm glad you received those pictures today--I bet that's a relief!

I'd use those as your intro for a phone call, saying that you're just calling to thank her for the pictures (you understand how swamped she must be with raising 2 kids on her own while your son's out of town and dealing w/ another pregnancy) and to confirm a week for you to help out in January. If you're not comfortable with a quick phone call (or if you don't think DIL would be), don't feel badly. An email in response to those pictures would work fine, too. I know I'd be more than happy to get either of those from my IL's. We never hear from them and it would mean the world to me if we did.

{hugs} to you. I think you're a special mom and MIL for being so concerned about this and wanting to make it "right"!

 

[Katie H]

I'd say since you received photos as evidence that your package was received, I'd let things go. Continue as supportive and helpful. You catch more flies with honey than vinegar.

I had my children very close together, had 2 in diapers for many years. I can understand how busy and tired she must be and how, possibly, overwhelmed she could be with her husband away. She has a lot on her plate.

I feel blessed because of our 5 children, I have one son-in-law, and 3 daughters-in-law and we all get along as if they were part of the family from day "one." We all chat and interact on a regular basis, regardless whether their spouse is around or not. That is, if one of our sons isn't around, we enjoy talking to his wife. We still have one son who hasn't married, and we hope for another "daughter."

I can't imagine how stressful it is to be in a "difficult" relationship with the spouses of our children.

 

[LEFSElover]

Update and done...

Wanted to report this earlier but every time I went to post [and got anything written] the computer turned off. Weird as it was seemingly not the proper time to do the report.

After much deliberation and much thought, moreover much delving over all of your words and pondering your wisdom, I did what many of you suggested.
I called. No email. No answer, which was all right too.
The message was loving, concerned, genuine, supportive, slow and easy in speech and I think, well delivered. I did not mention what I shouldn't and did speak of what I should, just as you all eluded to.

It dawned on me that I can be [and am] bigger than this problem. More so, so is the One that lead me in the right direction, which was to not hit send when I'd originally written that email.

I told her that I was proud of her and her efforts toward her beautiful family. I told her how proud I was of everything that she and her husband had accomplished in their young life together, as man and wife. I told her how much I am looking forward to being with the little girls come January and to please let me know of the best dates for her so I can be of the most help. I asked her how she's feeling and told her that I know how hard it is from my stand point, which is no where near what she is dealing with. And said that I know this is a hard time with pregnancy and her husband being gone finishing his schooling when its the holidays, she's a working mommy, has to take care of the girls and all the while being pregnant with their little one. I promised her that things will look up and soon, and that all of this, that looks like a big empty hole right now will be blossom into something truly wonderful for their family. I asked her to kiss the baby's for me, both of them, then added “no all 3 of them“, meaning the little one in her tummy, then said, all 4 of you, make sure all of you get kisses from me. I finished by telling her I love her and wished her a beautiful day. My tone was low and slow and soft, my words not rushed and honestly, it was something that wasn't that hard to do and like someone said, she may be reaching out, knowing she's done wrong, but maybe is seeing if I love her anyway.

Thank you to all who helped me with this, this was a tender time for me and I think it's all going to improve with time. I am so blessed for stopping my action and asking for advice here.

 

[Fisher's Mom]

Lefse, you are such a lovely woman and I applaud you! Thankyou so much for posting this update because it is really touching. I can only hope my children are lucky enough to have a mother-in-law like you.

 

[Bilby]

Actually on the strength of this thread, I phoned my SIL for an out-of-the-blue chat. She also wasn't home!! Must be something in the water...

 

[csalt]

This has brought tears to my eyes Lefsel.
Fisher's Mom is right. You are a grace filled woman.
It doesn't matter whether she responds or not. You have done the right thing so just hang in there and remember you too are loved.
The bottom line is I think we'd crawl over broken glass for our children. If your son is happy that's what you want and he must be ( whether he says so or not) so grateful to have a Mum like you.
Enjoy your time with them in January.

 

[suziquzie]

I think you handled it beautifully.
I am very blessed to have a great MIL, I am closer to her than my own mother.
I had a very difficult 3rd pregnancy myself, a girl after 2 boys. I was not working, I was lucky enough to be home with them. However, DH works 12-18 hours a day and it is more like being a single mom. Anyway, I don't care how tired or exasperated you are, if someone does something nice for you, you reply. And you CAN find time to reply. I tend not to use the phone myself, there is always too much chaos in this house. You can get up 10 minutes early and have some alone time (or 2 hours early in my case!) to take care of these things, and send 1 little e-mail saying thank you, here are the dates.
It's awful that some people cannot just be considerate, it makes you feel like nice guys really do finish last.
Ok I'm done. I hand my soapbox off the the next in line.....

 

[mikki]

fishers mom-apology accepted,just hit a very raw spot in me,I'v been dealing with this for 18 years,can someone at this site take over as my MIL. Most of the advice was right on, it's hard for both parties. Mother has someone else taking care of her son and DIL trying to take care of her husband as well as his mother wants her too. Anyways great advice from everyone.
Lefse,I wish my MIL would do something like that, there is no way anyone could take offense to something as well said as that.

 

[Uncle Bob]

Miss Lefse.....Ya done good!!

 

[In the Kitchen]

Blessing

In the kitchen all is not lost, when my kids were little I made them call Relatives and say Thank You for cards etc. Now they are 15 & 18 The last time They got something in the mail I mentioned that the needed to call whoever and they had already made the call, hooray for them!!!!

mikki, thank you for bringing sunshine and hope into my early morning. This is so encouraging to read your comments and know that what you hoped they would hear and do, they are showing you they have heard your instructions. So often we say things over and over, and over and over again, with the consistent thought that they will listen. Well, they surely have. You can feel blessed as this is truly a definite sign and gift to you that the seeds you have sown are growing. It is wonderful to receive this confirmation especially at this time of year. I thank you so much for sharing and bringing hope into my day. May your life continue to bring you the joy and love from all your efforts. It is such a blessing.

 

[mikki]

Your Welcome. I'm definately a proud mama most of the time. My picture is of my two darlings last June ,oldest is now away at college and I miss her not being here.

 

[In the Kitchen]

Your Welcome. I'm definately a proud mama most of the time. My picture is of my two darlings last June ,oldest is now away at college and I miss her not being here.

I am sure she misses you too. Way to go!

 

[LEFSElover]

Kind and supportive words to my ears.
Thanks to all of you who spoke to me about this.
Very nice way to awaken this morning, and as I wrote to a friend, I slept well.

 

[ChefJune]

Miss Lefse.....Ya done good!!

What Uncle Bob said!

 

[Katie H]

Bravo, LEFSE. You've placed the first brick in a golden road ahead.

 

[LEFSElover]

Bravo, LEFSE. You've placed the first brick in a golden road ahead.

I did Katie, and you know they say, Silence IS golden. Sometimes a good spirt, kind heart and loving gestures win over when all else fails.
For all of you that are into little prayers, please keep me in them for a while. I need all the help I can get.
I got a thank you note from her today in the mail. Thanking us for the baby's birthday presents. That was such a blessing, see, things are already looking up because GIG.

Enjoy the weekend........

 

[kadesma]

You did it!!! Way to go Grammy You were sweet,kind, thoughtful and most of all loving to your grand children's mother.I bet she needed the love you gave, taking care of the girls, working, DH away and at Christmas time too. As far as I'm concerned, you just earned your wings.
hugs to YOU for all you do.
kades

 

[sattie]

That is great news LEFSElover.... I read your post and had been thinking about your situation. I can not speak as a MIL, but as a DIL, I know that I have had trouble with my MIL for quite sometime and despite my efforts to try and have a relationship with her, I had pretty much given up on it.

I guess from my view point, I wished my MIL would call and speak to me, but she calls for her son and bypasses me as quickly as she can. Or at least use to.

It is not until here recently that we have been able to be around each other and enjoy each other's company. I guess time heals all wounds. Plus, so much time has gone by, I can't even remember why I was mad at her to begin with. She is the only parent figure I have left in my life and I know that I would love to have a relationship with her, someone I can talk to, share things with, go do things with. You kinda yearn for that as you grow older and realize that after how foolishly I have held onto grudges and hurt feelings.

I hope this is a new beginning to a wonderful relationship with your DIL... I really think it is important to understand each other as adults, to respect each other's concerns and beliefs, and to forgive the past.

 

[In the Kitchen]

Hope

Well, you surely can't write her off now. Must have gotten telepathy that we were all thinking of her and sent you a note. Good to hear. Prayers surely do help anytime and now is one of those times. Always pray that things will continue to get better and grow stronger but remember never to expect her to be exactly the way we all would want her to be. Just so she is good to you son is more important than anything. He is the main reason while all of this is going on. I wish you and your family bright days ahead. Thanks for giving us the good news. Feel relieved.