"Discover Cooking, Discuss Life."

Go Back   Discuss Cooking - Cooking Forums > The Back Porch > Off Topic Discussions
Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
 
Old 01-17-2008, 10:01 AM   #51
Chef Extraordinaire
 
buckytom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: My mountain
Posts: 18,764
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bilby View Post
Keep on doing the motherly/grandmotherly things and anything else you are comfortable doing, and if she fits in with it, great, if not, ce la vie. Don't let her actions/inactions, change you. And every so often pick up the phone and just say a quick hi. In and out. She might mellow with it. Never know. Be peaceful for your own sake.
agreed, 100%!

lefse, i'm sorry that you're having to deal with this. just try not to let it get you down. the rest of the family needs you, especially the grandbabies, to continue on.
hopefully she'll come to her senses.
__________________

__________________
in nomine patri, et fili, et spiritus sancti.


Meh nom eh noh...doot dooooo do do do.
buckytom is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-17-2008, 10:08 AM   #52
Executive Chef
 
LEFSElover's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: ...lala land..............
Posts: 3,670
Quote:
Originally Posted by DawnT View Post
I agree with Bibly on this. You need to step away, keep contact with your son and grandbabies and when and only when she is ready to be a daughter forget and forgive. I know it won't be easy but then nothing in this world worth a hill of beans is, is it? Until then, know that you have God and your family here at DC on your side. Faith and Love with lots of hugs. :>) Dawn
Thank you Dawn. I do have the ability to forgive and forget. God taught me that. Or I should say how to. I went to school with a very mean spirited lady years and years ago for this career. She was young and all fired up about herself/her life/her thing. Hated me. Made it obvious. I didn't have much time to be concerned as schooling about killed me. Years later, she deliberately walked up to me from no where, sat next to me, and said let's talk. About what was my answer. She wanted to 'now' be buds. I told her she hated me and that I was waaay over that and done with her and her antics. She asked if we could later have lunch on the beach, in Maui. I told her I was going to the beach and was going to be eating lunch. If we met up there, okay. We did, and swam and talked all day. She told me she'd been watching me over the years, had come to appreciate me. She told me she loved me and asked me if I could find it in my heart to forgive her so we could be friends. I did, that was it, never looked back or thought of it again, and today, that Dr. and I are best friends.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bilby View Post
I think you are going to have to switch off a bit from your DIL - mentally - as it is only you that is obviously suffering here. For whatever reasons, you and she behave differently - and I am not judging anyone, just saying. Think of it a bit like peak hour traffic - you would like it to be different, but it is what it is, and worrying about it won't change a thing. Keep on doing the motherly/grandmotherly things and anything else you are comfortable doing, and if she fits in with it, great, if not, ce la vie. Don't let her actions/inactions, change you. And every so often pick up the phone and just say a quick hi. In and out. She might mellow with it. Never know. Be peaceful for your own sake.
We are all different individuals. God made us that way for a reason. I think it hurts to have your personality challenged and made fun of or hated may be a better word. But your words here are correct and I know better. It's wrong to let anyone steal your joy, it's not supposed to be in their power. Thank you, words well taken. Today, I will be joyous, therefore, victorious.
Quote:
Originally Posted by girdhar View Post
Hi,
I think you must make a call as voice is one of the most effective way to convey your feeling somebody . I hope you will be doing that .
Not sure if you read the entire post from the beginning. I was told to call her and did. She didn't pick up the phone, maybe not home when I did call, but I've not heard from her, even after that. I wrote the type of phone call that was too, earlier on this thread, it was a call I felt very comfortable making, was from the heart, and loving.
Quote:
Originally Posted by jpmcgrew View Post
Just keep doing what your doing whether she appreciates it or not hopefully she will come around but if she does not just keep doing what you you do as it is coming from the heart if she can't see it then there is nothing more you can do but I can guarantee you as the grand kids get older they will notice what you are doing. What is her relationship with her her parents like? That might give you a clue to her behavior.
My concern is that the grand kids won't know me. Also, as they get older, they'll realize that their mommy and us/me don't have a relationship. I also fear they'll pick up on her negative remarks about me, of which I hear, are constant and many. I fear I won't know this little grandson at all. Her relationship with her parents is good. She complains about her mother (retired now and able to babysit/watch the kids) being so nervous around the kids when she has babysat. Says she'd never ask her to babysit again. But then of course, does. Her folks are nice enough, quite a bit older or so it seems than we are, her dad is same as her husbands dad, a rocket doctor. Her mom is retired, I'm 12+ years into my career, after being the beauty field 22 years, it's not like we're ???
Again to all of you who've helped this usually happy and delighted person to heal through this strain, a {{{{{{{{{{{thank you}}}}}}}}}}}}. I really do appreciate all of your wisdom and advice. Forgive my complaining, God's not done with me yet...
__________________

__________________
...Trials travel best when you're taking the transportation known as prayer...SLRC
LEFSElover is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-17-2008, 12:09 PM   #53
Master Chef
 
CharlieD's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: USA,Minnesota
Posts: 8,399
First of all an apology on my spelling, it's terrible. First of all I spelled “live” instead of love; second of all I spelled “live” instead of leave.

Any way. My mom doesn’t like my wife and shows it all the time. For example when she calls and my wife answers she asks for me not by my name or maybe “your husband”, “I need to talk to my son”. She is my mother, what am I going to do?!

But when it comes to kids she is always there she shows up invited or not, brings them little and not so little presents, stays plays with them, baby-sits, when ever possible, calls us and tells us that she’d pick the kids up from school, and so on and so force. You could do the same.
Kids will know and will love you. Do not worry about.
__________________
You are what you eat.
CharlieD is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-17-2008, 01:56 PM   #54
Sous Chef
 
csalt's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Posts: 909
Quote:
Originally Posted by CharlieD View Post
Any way. My mom doesn’t like my wife and shows it all the time. For example when she calls and my wife answers she asks for me not by my name or maybe “your husband”, “I need to talk to my son”. She is my mother, what am I going to do?! You have to think about the promises you made when you married. Also about what God said about marriage, that 2 halves would become part of the same whole. That means your wife not your Mother. When our 2nd child was born my Mother treated him very differently from our firstborn. I had to take her on one side and tell her that it had to change otherwise she would no longer be welcome in our home. She did change.
Before we were married we moved Heaven and Earth to find my husband's real Mother. She had left when they were young children. We did find her although she was not pleased. She then spent her time telling DH how miserable he would be married to me. I gave him a choice. Walk away and break off the engagement and continue seeing her, or choose to marry me and suggest she cease her mischief making. We are still married and he has no regrets.
We give thanks for the ups and downs of the last 40 years which we have shared together, but not in misery
But when it comes to kids she is always there she shows up invited or not, brings them little and not so little presents, stays plays with them, baby-sits, when ever possible, calls us and tells us that she’d pick the kids up from school, and so on and so force. You could do the same. Not without asking permission you shouldn't however much you may want to. That would be a disrespectful , mischievious and disruptive thing to do
Kids will know and will love you. Do not worry about.
It may be breaking your heart but one day things will change and there will be a reconciliation. You will always be there in the background with your love, stability and loyalty and they both know that in their heart of hearts and one day will come to you.
I'm not just making this up. I have been in that situation with our daughter and in the end it did work itself out. No parent deserves to be hurt in such a way and I am deeply sorry for your hurt Lefsel but I also know what a courageous faith you have. Hang in there.
__________________
csalt is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-21-2008, 10:19 PM   #55
Chef Extraordinaire
 
babetoo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: escondido, calif. near san diego
Posts: 14,349
dil

i have known my daughter in law since she was about thirteen. my son loves her to distraction even after 25 years. she does not cook, clean house or do laundry. he does it all. guess it works for them but can really tork me off when i see him so rushed all the time

we have had several different relationships over the years. when she was young i was a font of knowledge for her. helped with babies , illness etc.

now that i am getting old, she threats me like a child. she is a phony of the first order. she says she will do things and then never does. so when she says she will come over i never wait. only time she comes is when she wants something. ie hemming pants , etc for her. once she asked me to make cookies for her cookie exchange at work. lol

she has been getting me pictures of new great grandchild for two weeks. it will never happen.

my way of dealing is just to know who i am dealing with and faking it. life is to short to wait for things to change. they are as they are.

my son and i have great friendship and i deal mostly with him. making very sure never to say anything bad about her. a cop out, probably but it works for me and keeps everything on an even keel.

babe
__________________
babetoo is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-21-2008, 10:42 PM   #56
Master Chef
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Cicero, IL
Posts: 5,093
Lots and lots of good advice on this thread.

All I can say is never force an issue and never force a choice.
The issue always explodes and the choice is always the one you didnt want.

Render an opinion, air a concern, always be the better person, trust in yourself that you raised a good child, keep hope for the future.

I should be so wise as to take my own advice, LOL.

My mom and dad forced me to chose between them and my wife, the reality was they offered no choice at all. What they really meant/wanted was for me to "do as we say or else."
I told them this was my life, and I planned on living it according to my rules but hoped they would share the journey with me.

I havent heard from them in four years.

And yes, I told my wife the same thing. I am not here to run her life, I dont want her running my life. We married to share our lives, and I hope its a long long journey.

JMYO
__________________
Maverick2272 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-22-2008, 12:12 PM   #57
Executive Chef
 
LEFSElover's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: ...lala land..............
Posts: 3,670
Quote:
Originally Posted by babetoo View Post
i have known my daughter in law since she was about thirteen. my son loves her to distraction even after 25 years. she does not cook, clean house or do laundry. he does it all. guess it works for them but can really tork me off when i see him so rushed all the time.babe
Hum, is her name............................no, I won't go there.
Our DIL doesn't cook or clean or do the laundry either. Our DS does it all too and keeps the baby girls all day, while he's struggled to finish up college and career school, but not any more. He is now an employed man. College=done...Career training=done...
She's really struggled since he left end of November for training, out of state. She is pregnant, due in March. She works full time as an RN. She has been the wage earner while son was in the USCG/school/training/sole mommy+daddy to the baby's. Financially, it's been her, all the rest, it's been him. So it's been pretty equal. We take nothing away from her for this and applaud her for the efforts she's made for the family in the finances. We've also watched him stressed out, tired, frustrated etc. That's part of life though, we all suffer those things. We've watched her verbally put him down and watched him sink into himself. At those times, we've either walked out of the house or turned our backs. That is very hard.

Email came after I sent that one to her. It was pleasant, thanked me for the gifts I'd/we'd sent her for her birthday, said she loved them and needed them and that they fit perfectly and will even after the baby. She also mentioned never receiving the presents for the little guy > [and for those I PM'd this info to already, forgive the repeat]. I wrote her back saying it was in the box with the Halloween things that I'd sent and was it possible that she just didn't look down inside it deep enough? Frustrating for me that she didn't look in the box better. There were 3 good sized gifts in there, how could she miss them? What's a person to say about that though?
My MIL used to scold me for not writing a thank you note to her when she'd sent us money for our anniversary. I told her every time, "I saw the card, thank you for the card, I saw nothing else to thank you for in it, so you may want to scold your son who opened the card and removed its' contents rather than me."
I keep getting wonderful advice from fine folks all across the nation, most of which I've never met. Just talked to a secretary at my work this morning, who asked me if I'd flooded the bathroom or if any other major drama was in my life of late [she knows about our DS#1's broken back too and most other drama]. I told her no, I'd been good to watch the tub but that I had being plagued by our DIL over the last many months. I won't say her words to me, she is so very precious, but I will say, she also said she was going to continue praying for our little guys' back and now will add our DIL.
People are so very good, God knows what the outcome will be, I'll just wait and try to be patient and keep my mouth shut...
__________________
...Trials travel best when you're taking the transportation known as prayer...SLRC
LEFSElover is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-22-2008, 12:39 PM   #58
Everymom
 
Alix's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2002
Location: Edmonton, Alberta
Posts: 23,184
I once heard a saying that kept ringing through my mind as I read this thread.

"A son is a son til he takes a wife, but a daughter's a daughter to the end of her life"

Lefse, it is clear with every word how much you love your son. Trust him. You raised him and gave him the knowledge and morals to choose his mate. (I don't think ANY mother is ever 100% convinced that any woman is good enough for her son.) Just be loving to them both. Asking for a thank you is every bit as ungracious as not offering one in my opinion. Thats like a volunteer asking for a paycheck after the job is done. There is no question she should have acknowledged things, but you didn't raise her so you can't know what she did or didn't learn about proper manners.

I'm sorry your relationship with her is a bit strained. Just try to let the little things go. And really, if it isn't life threatening, most of it is little stuff. If you give her space, and offer love she will come around in time. If you push, she will find cause to step further away, taking your son and grandchildren with her. Keep the lines of communication open, call, write, email...whatever, but keep things light and don't demand anything from her. Think of it like gentling a wild animal. She doesn't trust you enough yet. I'll say some prayers for you that you walk this razor's edge with grace.
__________________
You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it. Robin Williams
Alix
Alix is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-22-2008, 02:01 PM   #59
Executive Chef
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: San Antonio, Texas
Posts: 3,619
I've been reading all the responses with great interest and I'm so impressed at how wise DC folks are. My instincts are a little bit different in this, but I'm not sure if my instincts are very wise. I didn't get the feeling that LEFSE was looking for a Thank You (although that would be nice) so much as an acknowledgment. My reading was that it was more to find out if the items sent are the right size or what was needed, etc. It's so frustrating to want to help but be on a limited budget, as most of us are. So naturally, we want to know what would be most helpful or what the children liked best, etc so that we don't end up sending things that end up at Goodwill or unused in a closet.

I tend to be pretty direct in my family relationships or ones that are very important to me. If we don't communicate what we need or want, then how can we expect the other person to know? And vice versa. I also think that letters and emails are a very good tool in an emotionally charged situation as long as we respect the power of the written word. It's much easier to take your time and make sure you don't say small or petty things and that you remember to say the positive and encouraging things. And the recipient has a chance to let it sink in and react to it emotionally in private.

I do this with my son who's SO and I don't get along well. I respect that she is his choice and that he is happy with her. In the situations that cause me problems, I email my son and describe what is bothering me and ask if changes can be made to address this. I suggest specific remedies and then ask him if that won't work for them, what sort of compromise can we reach. Lots of times, I get no response for days or even at all. But there is usually some change instituted. I am careful not to make vague or insulting remarks like I wish she wouldn't be so lazy. Instead I say that it's hard for me to enjoy a visit when I spend my time cleaning up her plates and cups and wrappers and soda cans and beer bottles. I ask if either he or she could take care of this during visits. But I also say how much I love seeing them and say that I know this has been just and oversight on her part with no bad intent on her part. Perhaps you could write to your son and tell him that it would be wonderful if he or she could let you know when they receive a package and if the gifts were the right size or colors the kids like or whatever. Tell him you worry that things will get lost in the mail, etc. Also, tell him that you know he and your DIL have a lot on their plates and you know they haven't meant to make you feel bad or leave you hanging. Tell him you love all of them and miss being close to them and that packages you send are filled with all your love for them. Also, tell him that if there is anything you can change or do differently that will make your DIL more comfortable, that you would like to know so that you can make things better.

I don't know if this will work for you but my feelings are that not everyone likes each other but people can develop relationships that aren't hurtful and that requires effort and honesty.
__________________
Fisher's Mom is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-22-2008, 05:34 PM   #60
Executive Chef
 
LEFSElover's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: ...lala land..............
Posts: 3,670
Quote:
Originally Posted by Fisher's Mom View Post
I've been reading all the responses with great interest
check your PM's
__________________

__________________
...Trials travel best when you're taking the transportation known as prayer...SLRC
LEFSElover is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off



» Discuss Cooking on Facebook

Our Communities

Our communities encompass many different hobbies and interests, but each one is built on friendly, intelligent membership.

» More about our Communities

Automotive Communities

Our Automotive communities encompass many different makes and models. From U.S. domestics to European Saloons.

» More about our Automotive Communities

Marine Communities

Our Marine websites focus on Cruising and Sailing Vessels, including forums and the largest cruising Wiki project on the web today.

» More about our Marine Communities


Copyright 2002- Social Knowledge, LLC All Rights Reserved.

All times are GMT -5. The time now is 05:13 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8 Beta 4
Copyright ©2000 - 2016, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.