I need some advice

The friendliest place on the web for anyone that enjoys cooking.
If you have answers, please help by responding to the unanswered posts.
It is never wrong to reach out with love and caring, or kindness and a gentle spirit even if it is rebuked. "A soft answer......." Always take the High road. Let others find the road they must travel.

I still vote for phone call over e-mail given those two choices. Whether to bring up the "gifts' and say anything, only you know what you are comfortable with.
I say the same thing. A phone call to me shows that you have courage and want to actually confront the issue and get things done and put it on the table. Email and texting has no emotion behind it. It doesnt allow the soul to dig deep for what really counts and for the true emotions a person wants to share.

EDIT

wow im a day late on this one. Well at least you did something rather than ignore it. I congratulate you on that. Best of luck and im outa here. gotta go to school
 
Last edited:
Strong message

LEFSElover: The words that 'jumped' off the page for me, were,

It dawned on me that I can be [and am] bigger than this problem. More so, so is the One that lead me in the right direction, which was to not hit send when I'd originally written that email.

There are times when the thoughts I have seem not to be my own. My human nature would have told her to 'just wait and see if I send her something again'. But when you take your anger and problems to the One who knows BOTH of you, it just changes the whole picture. This happened regarding my dear mothers funeral. Everyone expected a breakdown and I was actually smiling. I knew where my mother was and how could I have been sad. I never ever would have thought how it all happened.

I thank you for sharing your thoughts with us, very personal. Anyone who reads them should be moved to look at their own life and wonder if they themselves are doing their best, in other words 'being the bigger than the problem'? Your words are so precious to me. They have such love and understanding, I, myself, wonder if I could have been as loving as you. As I have said, it really hurts but you just removed the pain when you expressed your 'inner thoughts'.

I know you and your family are being blessed and I wish it to only grow more strong with each day. This season has truly brought you the love that it is meant to do. Bless all of you .
 
LEFSElover: The words that 'jumped' off the page for me, were,

It dawned on me that I can be [and am] bigger than this problem. More so, so is the One that lead me in the right direction, which was to not hit send when I'd originally written that email.

There are times when the thoughts I have seem not to be my own. My human nature would have told her to 'just wait and see if I send her something again'. But when you take your anger and problems to the One who knows BOTH of you, it just changes the whole picture. This happened regarding my dear mothers funeral. Everyone expected a breakdown and I was actually smiling. I knew where my mother was and how could I have been sad. I never ever would have thought how it all happened.

I thank you for sharing your thoughts with us, very personal. Anyone who reads them should be moved to look at their own life and wonder if they themselves are doing their best, in other words 'being the bigger than the problem'? Your words are so precious to me. They have such love and understanding, I, myself, wonder if I could have been as loving as you. As I have said, it really hurts but you just removed the pain when you expressed your 'inner thoughts'.I know you and your family are being blessed and I wish it to only grow more strong with each day. This season has truly brought you the love that it is meant to do. Bless all of you .
God love you and God bless you, very kind of you to say the things you did here.
I have a very strong faith, very strong. God has blessed me in so many ways but as I've said in the past, He's not done with me yet. I pitty those who have no faith because who is their ''go to'' person? A person that sits higher up on the chain of brilliance than they themselves?
I can take the higher road but almost didn't. See? We're all falable. And we all need additional help from others possibley put there by Him anyway...{?}
Blessings to you....
 
Update as of today, 1/16/08

Today, I sent the email. I wrote it, sent it to my husband for an okay of sorts, he called and I read it to him as he wasn't at his desk.
He said, "send it,there's nothing wrong with what you said and if she finds fault with it, that's her problem."
So, I did.
I've not heard from her since I wrote this origianl thread, except around Christmas when we got our token visit. Not from her, but from DS and his 2 DD's.
She came over later, as he called her and told her she should. I'd made a big dinner expecting them, but then, it's all I did was expect, they'd never said they were actually coming for dinner or she was actually coming at all. They said, they'd be there, so foolishly, I just assumed.
So, after much praying [I'm sure He's now bored with me and rightfully so] I wrote today, wishing a belated birthday greeting. We'd sent her her present to arrive before her day.
I've not heard if she got it, but am relatively sure she did. [I sent a box to our other son the same day, also via FED EX, they live in the same city, and he got his.]
I've never heard a thing from her about Christmas and if she liked what she got or not.
I've never heard still about that gift I'd sent to our unborn little guy either.
I never heard what days I should plan on coming to babysit, therefore, now, my schedule is full for the month and the babysitting can't so won't happen.
The email brought up not sitting and never hearing if she got the baby's gift or not. Yea, I did put her on the spot but at this point and after a conversation I had last week with our youngest son, I decided it was a worthwhile thing to write to her and maybe she'd come around. If not, I'm moving to Egypt.
After I bored you all with this plight of mine, I wanted to just give you this update.
I know many will say, gad, get over it. It's just a little hard for me to deal with this when much other stuff goes on too.
Again, GIG.......I also know LG&LG.........as well as BSAKTIAG..........and I'll continue counting on Him for support and an end to this drama...
No need to comment, just wanted to let you know of the latest outcome. There isn't one...so far, but I know things are in the works somehow...
 
I am new to the forum and just found this thread today. I just wanted to let you know that I will be praying for you and your daughter-in-law in this situation. I have confidence that the Lord can do a work in her heart and soften it towards you.

I just gave birth to my only son this past fall and I was just talking with my mil about the love between a mother and a son. I know there will come a day when there will be another woman in his life and I can only be praying now that she will welcome me with the same love that I will have for her. My heart breaks for you that this is a strained relationship.
 
You know, she is a *****. Like or dislike, love or hate there are simple rules. You get a present like it or not you say thank you. She is simply rude. But your son lives with her and I hope they ar happy. And live it at that. Don't say anything not to her and for sure not to him. You are a good person.
 
Last edited by a moderator:
:) Just keep doing what your doing whether she appreciates it or not hopefully she will come around but if she does not just keep doing what you you do as it is coming from the heart if she can't see it then there is nothing more you can do but I can guarantee you as the grand kids get older they will notice what you are doing. What is her relationship with her her parents like? That might give you a clue to her behavior.
 
Hi,
I think you must make a call as voice is one of the most effective way to convey your feeling somebody . I hope you will be doing that .
 
Last edited:
I think you are going to have to switch off a bit from your DIL - mentally - as it is only you that is obviously suffering here. For whatever reasons, you and she behave differently - and I am not judging anyone, just saying. Think of it a bit like peak hour traffic - you would like it to be different, but it is what it is, and worrying about it won't change a thing. Keep on doing the motherly/grandmotherly things and anything else you are comfortable doing, and if she fits in with it, great, if not, ce la vie. Don't let her actions/inactions, change you. And every so often pick up the phone and just say a quick hi. In and out. She might mellow with it. Never know. Be peaceful for your own sake.
 
I agree with Bibly on this. You need to step away, keep contact with your son and grandbabies and when and only when she is ready to be a daughter forget and forgive. I know it won't be easy but then nothing in this world worth a hill of beans is, is it? Until then, know that you have God and your family here at DC on your side. Faith and Love with lots of hugs. :>) Dawn
 
Keep on doing the motherly/grandmotherly things and anything else you are comfortable doing, and if she fits in with it, great, if not, ce la vie. Don't let her actions/inactions, change you. And every so often pick up the phone and just say a quick hi. In and out. She might mellow with it. Never know. Be peaceful for your own sake.

agreed, 100%!

lefse, i'm sorry that you're having to deal with this. just try not to let it get you down. the rest of the family needs you, especially the grandbabies, to continue on.
hopefully she'll come to her senses.
 
I agree with Bibly on this. You need to step away, keep contact with your son and grandbabies and when and only when she is ready to be a daughter forget and forgive. I know it won't be easy but then nothing in this world worth a hill of beans is, is it? Until then, know that you have God and your family here at DC on your side. Faith and Love with lots of hugs. :>) Dawn
Thank you Dawn. I do have the ability to forgive and forget. God taught me that. Or I should say how to. I went to school with a very mean spirited lady years and years ago for this career. She was young and all fired up about herself/her life/her thing. Hated me. Made it obvious. I didn't have much time to be concerned as schooling about killed me. Years later, she deliberately walked up to me from no where, sat next to me, and said let's talk. About what was my answer. She wanted to 'now' be buds. I told her she hated me and that I was waaay over that and done with her and her antics. She asked if we could later have lunch on the beach, in Maui. I told her I was going to the beach and was going to be eating lunch. If we met up there, okay. We did, and swam and talked all day. She told me she'd been watching me over the years, had come to appreciate me. She told me she loved me and asked me if I could find it in my heart to forgive her so we could be friends. I did, that was it, never looked back or thought of it again, and today, that Dr. and I are best friends.
I think you are going to have to switch off a bit from your DIL - mentally - as it is only you that is obviously suffering here. For whatever reasons, you and she behave differently - and I am not judging anyone, just saying. Think of it a bit like peak hour traffic - you would like it to be different, but it is what it is, and worrying about it won't change a thing. Keep on doing the motherly/grandmotherly things and anything else you are comfortable doing, and if she fits in with it, great, if not, ce la vie. Don't let her actions/inactions, change you. And every so often pick up the phone and just say a quick hi. In and out. She might mellow with it. Never know. Be peaceful for your own sake.
We are all different individuals. God made us that way for a reason. I think it hurts to have your personality challenged and made fun of or hated may be a better word. But your words here are correct and I know better. It's wrong to let anyone steal your joy, it's not supposed to be in their power. Thank you, words well taken. Today, I will be joyous, therefore, victorious.
Hi,
I think you must make a call as voice is one of the most effective way to convey your feeling somebody . I hope you will be doing that .
Not sure if you read the entire post from the beginning. I was told to call her and did. She didn't pick up the phone, maybe not home when I did call, but I've not heard from her, even after that. I wrote the type of phone call that was too, earlier on this thread, it was a call I felt very comfortable making, was from the heart, and loving.
:) Just keep doing what your doing whether she appreciates it or not hopefully she will come around but if she does not just keep doing what you you do as it is coming from the heart if she can't see it then there is nothing more you can do but I can guarantee you as the grand kids get older they will notice what you are doing. What is her relationship with her her parents like? That might give you a clue to her behavior.
My concern is that the grand kids won't know me. Also, as they get older, they'll realize that their mommy and us/me don't have a relationship. I also fear they'll pick up on her negative remarks about me, of which I hear, are constant and many. I fear I won't know this little grandson at all. Her relationship with her parents is good. She complains about her mother (retired now and able to babysit/watch the kids) being so nervous around the kids when she has babysat. Says she'd never ask her to babysit again. But then of course, does. Her folks are nice enough, quite a bit older or so it seems than we are, her dad is same as her husbands dad, a rocket doctor. Her mom is retired, I'm 12+ years into my career, after being the beauty field 22 years, it's not like we're ???
Again to all of you who've helped this usually happy and delighted person to heal through this strain, a {{{{{{{{{{{thank you}}}}}}}}}}}}. I really do appreciate all of your wisdom and advice. Forgive my complaining, God's not done with me yet...
 
First of all an apology on my spelling, it's terrible. First of all I spelled “live” instead of love; second of all I spelled “live” instead of leave.

Any way. My mom doesn’t like my wife and shows it all the time. For example when she calls and my wife answers she asks for me not by my name or maybe “your husband”, “I need to talk to my son”. She is my mother, what am I going to do?!

But when it comes to kids she is always there she shows up invited or not, brings them little and not so little presents, stays plays with them, baby-sits, when ever possible, calls us and tells us that she’d pick the kids up from school, and so on and so force. You could do the same.
Kids will know and will love you. Do not worry about.
 
Any way. My mom doesn’t like my wife and shows it all the time. For example when she calls and my wife answers she asks for me not by my name or maybe “your husband”, “I need to talk to my son”. She is my mother, what am I going to do?! You have to think about the promises you made when you married. Also about what God said about marriage, that 2 halves would become part of the same whole. That means your wife not your Mother. When our 2nd child was born my Mother treated him very differently from our firstborn. I had to take her on one side and tell her that it had to change otherwise she would no longer be welcome in our home. She did change.
Before we were married we moved Heaven and Earth to find my husband's real Mother. She had left when they were young children. We did find her although she was not pleased. She then spent her time telling DH how miserable he would be married to me. I gave him a choice. Walk away and break off the engagement and continue seeing her, or choose to marry me and suggest she cease her mischief making. We are still married and he has no regrets.
We give thanks for the ups and downs of the last 40 years which we have shared together, but not in misery :)
But when it comes to kids she is always there she shows up invited or not, brings them little and not so little presents, stays plays with them, baby-sits, when ever possible, calls us and tells us that she’d pick the kids up from school, and so on and so force. You could do the same. Not without asking permission you shouldn't however much you may want to. That would be a disrespectful , mischievious and disruptive thing to do
Kids will know and will love you. Do not worry about.
It may be breaking your heart but one day things will change and there will be a reconciliation. You will always be there in the background with your love, stability and loyalty and they both know that in their heart of hearts and one day will come to you.
I'm not just making this up. I have been in that situation with our daughter and in the end it did work itself out. No parent deserves to be hurt in such a way and I am deeply sorry for your hurt Lefsel but I also know what a courageous faith you have. Hang in there.
 
Last edited:
dil

i have known my daughter in law since she was about thirteen. my son loves her to distraction even after 25 years. she does not cook, clean house or do laundry. he does it all. guess it works for them but can really tork me off when i see him so rushed all the time

we have had several different relationships over the years. when she was young i was a font of knowledge for her. helped with babies , illness etc.

now that i am getting old, she threats me like a child. she is a phony of the first order. she says she will do things and then never does. so when she says she will come over i never wait. only time she comes is when she wants something. ie hemming pants , etc for her. once she asked me to make cookies for her cookie exchange at work. lol:dry::dry:

she has been getting me pictures of new great grandchild for two weeks. it will never happen.

my way of dealing is just to know who i am dealing with and faking it. life is to short to wait for things to change. they are as they are.

my son and i have great friendship and i deal mostly with him. making very sure never to say anything bad about her. a cop out, probably but it works for me and keeps everything on an even keel.

babe
 
Lots and lots of good advice on this thread.

All I can say is never force an issue and never force a choice.
The issue always explodes and the choice is always the one you didnt want.

Render an opinion, air a concern, always be the better person, trust in yourself that you raised a good child, keep hope for the future.

I should be so wise as to take my own advice, LOL.

My mom and dad forced me to chose between them and my wife, the reality was they offered no choice at all. What they really meant/wanted was for me to "do as we say or else."
I told them this was my life, and I planned on living it according to my rules but hoped they would share the journey with me.

I havent heard from them in four years.

And yes, I told my wife the same thing. I am not here to run her life, I dont want her running my life. We married to share our lives, and I hope its a long long journey.

JMYO
 
i have known my daughter in law since she was about thirteen. my son loves her to distraction even after 25 years. she does not cook, clean house or do laundry. he does it all. guess it works for them but can really tork me off when i see him so rushed all the time.babe
Hum, is her name............................no, I won't go there.:huh:
Our DIL doesn't cook or clean or do the laundry either. Our DS does it all too and keeps the baby girls all day, while he's struggled to finish up college and career school, but not any more. He is now an employed man. College=done...Career training=done...
She's really struggled since he left end of November for training, out of state. She is pregnant, due in March. She works full time as an RN. She has been the wage earner while son was in the USCG/school/training/sole mommy+daddy to the baby's. Financially, it's been her, all the rest, it's been him. So it's been pretty equal. We take nothing away from her for this and applaud her for the efforts she's made for the family in the finances. We've also watched him stressed out, tired, frustrated etc. That's part of life though, we all suffer those things. We've watched her verbally put him down and watched him sink into himself. At those times, we've either walked out of the house or turned our backs. That is very hard.

Email came after I sent that one to her. It was pleasant, thanked me for the gifts I'd/we'd sent her for her birthday, said she loved them and needed them and that they fit perfectly and will even after the baby. She also mentioned never receiving the presents for the little guy > [and for those I PM'd this info to already, forgive the repeat]. I wrote her back saying it was in the box with the Halloween things that I'd sent and was it possible that she just didn't look down inside it deep enough? Frustrating for me that she didn't look in the box better. There were 3 good sized gifts in there, how could she miss them? What's a person to say about that though?
My MIL used to scold me for not writing a thank you note to her when she'd sent us money for our anniversary. I told her every time, "I saw the card, thank you for the card, I saw nothing else to thank you for in it, so you may want to scold your son who opened the card and removed its' contents rather than me."
I keep getting wonderful advice from fine folks all across the nation, most of which I've never met. Just talked to a secretary at my work this morning, who asked me if I'd flooded the bathroom or if any other major drama was in my life of late [she knows about our DS#1's broken back too and most other drama]. I told her no, I'd been good to watch the tub but that I had being plagued by our DIL over the last many months. I won't say her words to me, she is so very precious, but I will say, she also said she was going to continue praying for our little guys' back and now will add our DIL.
People are so very good, God knows what the outcome will be, I'll just wait and try to be patient and keep my mouth shut...
 
I once heard a saying that kept ringing through my mind as I read this thread.

"A son is a son til he takes a wife, but a daughter's a daughter to the end of her life"

Lefse, it is clear with every word how much you love your son. Trust him. You raised him and gave him the knowledge and morals to choose his mate. (I don't think ANY mother is ever 100% convinced that any woman is good enough for her son.) Just be loving to them both. Asking for a thank you is every bit as ungracious as not offering one in my opinion. Thats like a volunteer asking for a paycheck after the job is done. There is no question she should have acknowledged things, but you didn't raise her so you can't know what she did or didn't learn about proper manners.

I'm sorry your relationship with her is a bit strained. Just try to let the little things go. And really, if it isn't life threatening, most of it is little stuff. If you give her space, and offer love she will come around in time. If you push, she will find cause to step further away, taking your son and grandchildren with her. Keep the lines of communication open, call, write, email...whatever, but keep things light and don't demand anything from her. Think of it like gentling a wild animal. She doesn't trust you enough yet. I'll say some prayers for you that you walk this razor's edge with grace.
 
I've been reading all the responses with great interest and I'm so impressed at how wise DC folks are. My instincts are a little bit different in this, but I'm not sure if my instincts are very wise. I didn't get the feeling that LEFSE was looking for a Thank You (although that would be nice) so much as an acknowledgment. My reading was that it was more to find out if the items sent are the right size or what was needed, etc. It's so frustrating to want to help but be on a limited budget, as most of us are. So naturally, we want to know what would be most helpful or what the children liked best, etc so that we don't end up sending things that end up at Goodwill or unused in a closet.

I tend to be pretty direct in my family relationships or ones that are very important to me. If we don't communicate what we need or want, then how can we expect the other person to know? And vice versa. I also think that letters and emails are a very good tool in an emotionally charged situation as long as we respect the power of the written word. It's much easier to take your time and make sure you don't say small or petty things and that you remember to say the positive and encouraging things. And the recipient has a chance to let it sink in and react to it emotionally in private.

I do this with my son who's SO and I don't get along well. I respect that she is his choice and that he is happy with her. In the situations that cause me problems, I email my son and describe what is bothering me and ask if changes can be made to address this. I suggest specific remedies and then ask him if that won't work for them, what sort of compromise can we reach. Lots of times, I get no response for days or even at all. But there is usually some change instituted. I am careful not to make vague or insulting remarks like I wish she wouldn't be so lazy. Instead I say that it's hard for me to enjoy a visit when I spend my time cleaning up her plates and cups and wrappers and soda cans and beer bottles. I ask if either he or she could take care of this during visits. But I also say how much I love seeing them and say that I know this has been just and oversight on her part with no bad intent on her part. Perhaps you could write to your son and tell him that it would be wonderful if he or she could let you know when they receive a package and if the gifts were the right size or colors the kids like or whatever. Tell him you worry that things will get lost in the mail, etc. Also, tell him that you know he and your DIL have a lot on their plates and you know they haven't meant to make you feel bad or leave you hanging. Tell him you love all of them and miss being close to them and that packages you send are filled with all your love for them. Also, tell him that if there is anything you can change or do differently that will make your DIL more comfortable, that you would like to know so that you can make things better.

I don't know if this will work for you but my feelings are that not everyone likes each other but people can develop relationships that aren't hurtful and that requires effort and honesty.
 
Back
Top Bottom