I need some advice

[LEFSElover]

I'll cut to the chase. My/our DIL and I aren't very close. There have been issues almost from the start. I’ve tried all ways to fix but have continued to fall short. I love her. That much is true.
My son and his wife are having a baby.
It'll be their first boy, due in March.
They have two little darling girls.
In an effort for me to appear the MIL she'd like to have, I sent a package with Halloween things for our DGD's [and stuff for her as she enjoys scrap booking]. In that same package I enclosed 3 little darling blue boy things, seeing as they're having a baby boy. This was all before Halloween. I even enclosed the receipt in case she didn't like what I'd gotten for the little guy, but how could she not, all 3 things were soft/cozy/baby blue, and right up her alley > pricey. They were no real big deal, but something to start a little collection for their soon to be son. They have all pink stuff obviously.
I never heard a thing from her.
I just wrote her an email about this. But, after reading it and it was not a big deal and kind of short, I didn't do it and thought I'd come in here and ask for much good advice on how to approach this subject.
They need me to baby-sit for a week in January, which I also brought up [but also isn't sent yet awaiting your words of wisdom].
I've sent her emails about the January thing, the dates she'd hope to have me there that would suit her needs most, and I've not heard. Our son is out of state until February in school which is why she needs me to help her with the little dolls.
Please advice me what to say to her in an email. Please help me with my words because this is a tender piece of very thin ice that I'm treading on. I don't want to seem like I'm demanding a thank you, but I would like an acknowledgement of receiving my gift, otherwise, I don't know it's not lost in the mail.
I'll thank you here for any and all advice.

LL

 

[Fisher's Mom]

Ooooh, you are on thin ice here. You might want to send an "oh, by the way" email that says you just wanted to make sure they had received the package because sometimes the postal service has issues around the holidays. Then mention that you are looking forward to keeping the girls and ask her to remind you what days so you can plan some fun activities. If you still receive no reply, then she is purposely not responding.

If I were you, I'd choose not to take offense because if your son has to take sides, he'll have to side with the mother of his 2 1/2 kids. Total crap but that's how it is. I really feel for you because I have a similar situation with one son's girlfriend and because I chose a more direct route, things are very strained. Good luck to you because I know this is tough for you.

 

[Uncle Bob]

Using the KISS principle let me suggest.

No E-Mail..Make a phone Call...it's more personal..more informal.
Call and just Chit chat..about anything and everything..you know the usual stuff.
Then..."Well I just wanted to call and say Hi blah, blah, blah",..Oh by the way, What did you think of the three little blue "footy suits" ??? pause and let her respond. Accept whatever she says. Cased closed. Don't force the issue.

 

[Andy M.]

I vote for a phone call as well. Email can often be misread as far as the sender's tone and that would be unfortunate.

 

[Fisher's Mom]

Yes, but only if they normally chat on the phone. Lots of MIL/DILs only talk on the phone briefly in passing when calling to talk to the son. In that situation, a phone call would only place emphasis on the issue.

 

[GB]

Coming from someone who has been in this situation somewhat recently I have to agree with the phone call, BUT that can backfire too (not to scare you). Sometimes some people are just never going to be happy with what you do.

If you truly do not think it is a big deal then my advice, no matter how hard this may be, is to not even mention it. Just let it roll off your back. She knows she didn't send a note and she knows you know it. By you mentioning it, it will just make her feel (insert emotions here). She might apologize and feel bad about it or she might think something else. If it is not a big deal though then just let it go if you can.

 

[mikki]

Just like UB said a phone call,not email. My MIL goes through my DH for everything, Makes me feel like I'm a little kid or not worth talking to. I would say something like, I know things are hectic with (son) gone so I figured I would call so we could get our schedules matched up. If you don't want to look like you asking for a Thank You you could ask if she needed anything else for the new little boy. If she still doesn't let on that she got the package in the mail. Just ask her if she received it and say no more about it.
Fishers mom-- I don't think its total crap that the son sides with his wife, he should support his wife. My DH always sides with his Mom and I have to prove myself to him. Makes life pretty rough for everyone in house.

 

[csalt]

LEFSELover; I'm sorry for the hurt and yes even anguish of heart you must be feeling.
Uncle Bob is right I believe. Don't send the email. Once it's gone you cannot change it. In a phone call you can kind of 'feel your way'
I'd even be tempted not to mention the gifts you have sent but just ask them to confirm the dates they want you to be there and say you're looking forward to it.
It probably sounds as though this is easy to say when you are the one feeling hurt.
We had a situation some years ago where our daughter didn't speak to me for 5 years. It hurt terribly but I refused to be drawn into the confrontation she wanted and waited and prayed and now everything is healed again. So have courage good friend. Hang in there and try to be sparse rather than plentiful with the words and come here when you are feeling especially hurt and need to 'sound off'

 

[ChefJune]

I think I'd go with GB's suggestion and not mention the package. If you're truly worried it might not have gotten there, ask your son. He will know, or he can find out.

I'd call and say you're looking forward to looking after the girls in January and wondered what dates she is expecting you to be there (or available, whichever is applicable).

My sister had this kind of problem for the past 18 years with her oldest's wife. They are divorced now, so she doesn't have to deal with the "darling" much any more. Thankfully.

 

[In the Kitchen]

Club

Join the club! Seems saying 'thank you' today is not in many people's vocabulary. I don't like to say this, but when I send something that I feel is worth an acknowledgement I have stopped expecting it. I just know I tried and keep on trying for your son's sake. I only hope she appreciates your son. and that your son appreciates you. You are in sensitive place and wanting her to do what you think she may not always happen. I don't get it either why people are getting this way. Really hurts. Makes me think people just have too much. I have gotten very cynical about people not being more grateful. We could all have less and that is the time we would remember to say thanks.

Just look forward to helping your son's family in January. May be the time when she will realize all you do and have done. Takes time. Not easy.

 

[kadesma]

Ahh I know the feeling..Over the years, I've had times when I want to ask my d-i-l what is the problem..But, I can see my son loves her dearly, and I won't break a promise I made to myslef when they married...That was, stay out of it!!! I seldom call them, I only see the girls on their birthdays and Christmas..DH and I have given money for saddles,horses, fancy tack..And the girls write everytime and say thanks..But the girls really don't know us..We have never had the pleasure of watching them or taking them places..We are allowed to attend their plays and rodeo events...But, again, my son is so happy with his family that no way would I complain or say a word...I feel my daughter in laws job is to make a happy home and love my son and their children, nothing is written that she care for me..I love her for her dedication to her family and my son. Tha's enough for me..I've been blessed with 3 other children who have surrounded me with little one to love and care for..
So, I'd say to you..Drop it, look see if the kids have worn or used what you sent when you go there..Sit back and wait eventually the kids will spill the beans when you least expect it..Remember she has the power to withhold those babies, and you don't want that for them or your son or for YOU!
kadesma

 

[mikki]

In the kitchen all is not lost, when my kids were little I made them call Relatives and say Thank You for cards etc. Now they are 15 & 18 The last time They got something in the mail I mentioned that the needed to call whoever and they had already made the call, hooray for them!!!!

 

[LEFSElover]

Well, as you can see, there are several very different things for me to consider here. I was hoping that it'd be a simple fix and that most of you would have said the same thing. But not so.

I am in the dolldrums here as to what to do but I do know, that I'll continue reading these opinions, of all of you brilliant people and I honestly mean that, and then I'll put it to a higher source.

Please if you wouldn't mind or for those of you who may have something to add, continue what your thoughts are on this. It's been a very hard 5 years and we are only now barely getting back up to snuff. Our son is amazing and it's been hard on him too. You can't pick your inlaws, just your spouse and whatever comes along with him or her, is what you get. Never in a million years thought I'd be the MIL from H&!! though.

 

[auntdot]

I hate to give advicd on relationships. Particularly when I don't know the personalities involved.

Me, I would probably forget about the package, just hoping it got there. I know when we send packages UPS, which we do fairly often, there is a tracking number and you can find out if it has been delivered on the web. I believe the USPS has something like that but don't know how to go about it. In the future you might want to look into that. At least you will know the item arrived.

Clearly you want no rift with your son or estrangement form your grandkids. I think I would try to put myself in a frame of mind where I would always be the pleasant MIL, no matter how unfair I felt about the situation.

You cannot win here. You have to decide what is most important to you. To me it would be the continuing contact with my grandkids and son. And I hope I would act to secure those relationships.

And if it meant pasting a smile on my puss and acting like butter would not melt in my mouth when I was seething inside I hope I would have the strength to do it.

Auntdot is not known for that - some folks are a lot better than I.

Sorry. None of this may be applicable to your situation. Just a few thoughts.

But I do wish you all the best.

 

[love2"Q"]

As it seems you have a strained relationship with your DIL .. i would not say
anything .. while it is rude that you have not gotten a note or call saying thank you ..
keep in mind .. she is 7 or 8 months pregnant and has 2 children that it sounds
like she is taking care of herself .. thank you notes and phone calls may not
be a high priorety to her at this time .. but who knows

 

[Uncle Bob]

It is never wrong to reach out with love and caring, or kindness and a gentle spirit even if it is rebuked. "A soft answer......." Always take the High road. Let others find the road they must travel.

I still vote for phone call over e-mail given those two choices. Whether to bring up the "gifts' and say anything, only you know what you are comfortable with.

 

[Fisher's Mom]

Just like UB said a phone call,not email. My MIL goes through my DH for everything, Makes me feel like I'm a little kid or not worth talking to. I would say something like, I know things are hectic with (son) gone so I figured I would call so we could get our schedules matched up. If you don't want to look like you asking for a Thank You you could ask if she needed anything else for the new little boy. If she still doesn't let on that she got the package in the mail. Just ask her if she received it and say no more about it.
Fishers mom-- I don't think its total crap that the son sides with his wife, he should support his wife. My DH always sides with his Mom and I have to prove myself to him. Makes life pretty rough for everyone in house.

I'm really sorry, mikki. I didn't make that clear and I never thought about how it might sound to someone on the other side of this situation. I do agree with you - a man should support his wife and family always. What I meant was that it was total crap if he should have to take sides. A very bad situation for everyone involved. Again, my apologies for that sounding the way it did.

 

[Bilby]

Lots of good advice here. I feel Love2Q is closest to my suggestions though. If she is due in March with (presumably) two little ones in the lead up to Christmas, she might just be finding everything rather hard at the moment and could just be very tired. All extra niceties may just be that little bit too much effort at the moment. She may also find that this pregnancy is vastly different from her other two, boys vs girls thing.

Give her a phone call and just ask after her health and how she is coping. Ask her if there is anything you can do for her, especially for when you go over in January. If the present comes up - great! If it doesn't, you can drop her or your son a very brief little email after the call, saying something like "Ooh, forgot to ask if you got the package I sent you. Love x"

Even if you haven't had a phone relationship with her in the past, it is never too late to start. Just remember to keep the calls brief and jovial when you first start them. That way they aren't forced and they aren't an imposition on either of you. Just remember to keep to neutral subjects and bite your tongue if you feel like saying something judgemental. Get in, be happy, get out again. Good luck.

 

[LEFSElover]

Me, I would probably forget about the package, just hoping it got there. At least you will know the item arrived.

It arrived. I got an email showing me the little girls and their halloween bags that I'd made for them, in their costumes. The other stuff was in that same box which I'd sent through the Post Office. Maybe from now on though, I should use ups or fed ex so I can track them, good idea.

 

[Barb L.]

All I can say is that I agree with all above, My son and dil have been separated for almost a year and half. I just try to keep peace with her because of my only two beautiful grandsons. She was raised so differently than my son . So I don't expect anything from her. I just try to remember she is my little ones Mom ! Thank goodness for age and wisdom !