I'm at a loss

[texasgirl]

DS is leaving Tuesday for N. Carolina. I chose today to spend with him. We're going to a movie.
For the last week, DH has been arguing about this. We were suppose to go last weekend to do some things at his grandmothers house so that her house can be sold. We didn't go, so, he told mil that we would go today after I had already told him that I already had plans. He got mad and said that we needed to go over there and that I see ds everyday. Why can't guys understand that a mother would want to have one day before there is going to be a long time before we see our kid again to spend some quality time with them?
Now he's mad because it's raining today, and we can't go to help with the house and I asked him if he wanted to go to the movie. He said that he's tired of me trying to force things on him that he doesn't want to do.
I just wanted him to go and see a movie with us, not asking him to reroof the frigging house!!

I don't go to restaurants, movies or anything else because he doesn't like to do things. I have missed out on so many things in my life!!
I was able to go the Dallas Symphony Orchestra one evening with my son and his school band. I LOVED IT!! I would love to go see things like this and see an opera or go on a cruise or SOMETHING!!! I'm fixing to be 40 years old and haven't done anything in my life, other than my children, that is memorable.
Sorry, I had to vent. At least I'M going to have a day to myself with my boy!!!

Don't get me wrong, I love dh and I couldn't imagine my life without him, I've been with him for almost 24 years, I just wish that he would do things with me!!

 

[jkath]

Spending time with your son just before he leaves is expected, I'd think! Perhaps your H isn't comfortable that you have interests that aren't identical to his. Is there a hobby/outing/interest that he has that you don't share? Maybe you could ask him if you two did something he liked, that maybe next time he could go somewhere in your field of interest.

I love art museums, craft shows and the like. DH did not. I found that when we travel, he's more apt to go to an art museum, so that's when we go together. As for craft shows, I reminded him that there's always tons of food. That did it!

 

[Katie H]

Dear texasgirl,

I'm sorry to hear you are feeling so down. Is your DS the oldest of your children? And is he leaving the "nest" to be on his own? How close are your DH and DS?

If your son is the first of your hatchlings to leave and was close to his father, perhaps your husband is reacting to losing his "little" boy. Men are creatures who often stuff their feelings because it's not manly to show what they might interpret as vulnerability or weakness. Perhaps your DH's attitude is a result of his feeling of loss because your son will be gone.

Also, whose house is being sold? Is it your husband's mother's home? If it is, then he may be feeling a double whammy of losing a familiar place and his son. If, indeed, it is his mother's home and it was the home of his childhood, that's quite a lot to deal with all at once for anyone. Make that a triple whammy. The rainy, gloomy day probably isn't doing anything to help the situation either.

As for doing things together, you say you've been with your husband for nearly 24 years. Has he always been the way you describe...no restaurants, movies, etc.? If he has, you probably are not going to change him and, after nearly a quarter of a century, he may subconsciously feel that you've been just fine with things as they have always been.

Don't let your husband's nonparticipation in things you enjoy stop you from doing them yourself. If you like to read, see if there's a reading club in your area. Check at your library. They might be able to help. If there's no group, start one of your own.

Same for theater. If you seek out people with like interests, you will be able to enjoy the activities you like. And not by yourself. You are not the only person who has a spouse who doesn't share your interests. And, don't forget, there are probably widows or single women who would be thrilled to have someone join them, too.

Hooray! You're almost 40! Why not use that birthday to celebrate the things you want and can do? I have nearly 20 years on you and am still discovering things I want to do and am working toward. It's really true. You're never too old.

Just go out and have a wonderful time with your son at the movies and know that there are folks here at DS who will listen...and offer observations and suggestions.

Have a wonderful time!

Katie

P.S.
What movie are you going to see?

 

[pdswife]

Texas, ya know I'm here if you need to talk.

I hope you have a blast with your son today. YOU both deserve
this time together. How long will he be gone?

 

[texasgirl]

I had everything typed and dc shut down on me ARGH!!

Jkath, the only thing that we have in common as far as doing things, is going out in the boat and fishing. The water is down 11+ feet and we can't this year. As for going anywhere, we can't agree on that one either.


Katie, ds is the oldest and he has been on his own before, just not so many miles away. Him and dh do not get along, haven't since son was about 5. DH is very hard on him. The house isn't a big deal to dh, it's his grandmother, not ds. I didn't really make that clear, did I? I'm bad about that. DH is glad that he didn't have to go. As for going and doing something on my own, that isn't an option as dh is very jealous and I'm accused of things if I'm 10 minutes late from work.
We are going to see "The Marine" DH wanted to see it, just not at the movies. Normally, I wouldn't do that ,but, he was given the chance and refused, so, we're going to see it and to heck with him!! We WILL have fun too!! Thanks for letting me rant. Nothing is going to change, just needed to gripe without causing an argument. LOL


pds, I'm not sure how long he will be gone. It is an open invitation for him to come up there and get his life together.

 

[corazon]

My dh is kinda the same way. He doesn't like crowds. Whenever I want to take the kids to the zoo or something like that, he stays home. It makes me sort of mad on the kids behalf. I don't want dh or the kids to miss out on eachother. When I do twist his arm to come with us, he ends up miserable the whole day and his grumpiness makes everyone grumpy, then we all have a bad day. If he'd just lighten up, we might actually have fun.

Go have a good time with your son. Your dh can stay home and be mad by himself.

 

[TATTRAT]

I know the key to ANY relationship is communication and comprimise. I am sorry your dh isn't participating. Hope it all works out.

 

[mish]

I know the key to ANY relationship is communication and comprimise. I am sorry your dh isn't participating. Hope it all works out.

That's a karma and a half! Right on the money, Tatt.

 

[VeraBlue]

Sorry to read about how upset you are. It's an unfortunate situation but nothing that cannot be resolved. What's done is done, and I understand about wanting to be with your children. I'm sure you know that communication is a vital part of any relationship.

While we'd all love to do the things we like with the people we love, sometimes, that just doesn't work out. Apparently, it wasn't a deal breaker for you or you never would have stayed with your husband for so long. However, your needs are equally as important and should be attended to. Life is so very short, and you only get one ticket for one ride.

There are many women's groups that have outings and day trips. If you want to experience more of life, you're going to have to do it, alone. That's not a bad thing, Texasgirl. You have to be responsible for your needs. When you get back, share your adventures fully and honestly. I wonder if perhaps, eventually, your husband might end up wanting to share that time with you...

 

[KAYLINDA]

I'm so sorry for your hurting! Enjoy your day Texasgirl!

 

[shpj4]

texasgirl marriage is very complicated - when I was married my husband and I didn't share the same interests. He golfed, played four wall handball and went to the gym a lot. We didn't have any children but we sat down and had a long talk.

He said it would be fine if I went to movies with my girlfriends and saw stage plays. I finally got him to a movie and he really enjoyed it.

Good luck.

 

[texasgirl]

Thanks everyone!! I know that communication is everything, but, that doesn't happen very often in this house. I won't go into that. I know that I can't change everything, I just wish he would loosen up just a little about doing things.

My son and I did have fun. I took him to the mall before the movie so he could get a few things that he needs. The movie was good. If you like lots of action, things blowing up and that sort, you'll like this movie. Non stop action from start to finish.