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Old 12-21-2006, 08:15 PM   #11
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Why does Santa wash his cloths in tide????


--cz its 2 cold outide
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Old 12-21-2006, 10:08 PM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Insty-Grill
Why does Santa wash his cloths in tide????


--cz its 2 cold outide

LOL! Love it!!!!
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Old 12-22-2006, 10:22 AM   #13
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Churches in Las Vegas

Las Vegas Churches

THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN LAS VEGAS, BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS.

NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.

SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS.

THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.

THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS!


YOU DIDN'T EVEN SEE IT COMING DID YOU ? GOTCHA !!





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Old 12-22-2006, 10:52 AM   #14
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A florist was delivering two bouquets of flowers. One of them was to be sent to someone who had just moved into his new home and the other to a someone who had passed away. During delivery, things got mixed up a little. The bouquet for the deceased arrived with a card that read "Congratulations! I knew you deserved it!!." The other's card said "May you rest in peace in your new environment."
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Old 12-22-2006, 12:20 PM   #15
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Wink Apropos of the season!

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's glasses.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "They're Carol's."
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Old 12-22-2006, 02:25 PM   #16
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This was in my pastor's newsletter today:

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So, is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then, he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.
Jack asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 a.m., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got the black eye when you ran into the door."
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $. 38
Saying the right thing at the right time....PRICELESS!
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Old 12-22-2006, 04:11 PM   #17
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1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?

10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?

16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?

21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?

22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?

24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?

27. Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
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Old 12-22-2006, 04:12 PM   #18
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What nationality is Santa Claus?

North Polish
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Old 12-22-2006, 06:39 PM   #19
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Wonder if Santa is related to my Polish neighbor!?!

Normally I'm not a gossip.
(I try not to notice, but his eyes always glean with such pride.
His walk can't be just clean, he uses a toothbrush for gosh sake).

Everyday I see more!
He spends hours and hours and I can't believe his pride!

Then I see his wife expectant, and just had to wonder how.
This time I ask; and get:

YUP!, ...standing up in the hammock!


NNNO!! ...tell me I didn't see one (hammock), ...in Santas things?
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Old 12-22-2006, 07:01 PM   #20
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Top Secret!

Quote:
Originally Posted by mudbug
What nationality is Santa Claus?

North Polish



Shshshsh!! mudbug, .....that was sposed 2 b TOP SECRET!

I can read the headlines now

CRACKER BREAKS COMBINATION TO SANTAS POLOCK
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