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Old 02-20-2007, 01:36 PM   #51
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Wise cooking advice

This weekend, I discovered a cooking tip I haven't seen listed in any cookbooks.

While you are preparing the food, and after the guests have arrived, you contrive to fill the house up with smoke, preferably enough to get at least two smoke detectors going.

Then you go rushing about the house, opening all the windows, setting up fans, and generally doing everything short of calling the fire department.

Let the guests sit for about 1/2 hour at 50 degrees (as a result of opening the windows) and serve the food.

By this point, you have established expectations in your guests' minds that you can't fail to exceed!

Aha! Jokes > Food Jokes > Wise cooking advice
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Old 02-23-2007, 11:17 AM   #52
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For the ladies........

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-
shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Michigan."

And they say blondes are dumb...
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A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
"I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."

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"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
-----------------------------------------------------------

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor

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A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.

Whoosh!! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...
Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!
Gotta love that fairy!
-----------------------------------------------------------

Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-
Q: Why do little boys whine?

A: They are practicing to be men.
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Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

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Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"
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Old 03-07-2007, 02:37 PM   #53
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A cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo Theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the
cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient:
"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."
Once again, the cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two
of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success.
Finally they summoned the police. The Texas Ranger surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy what's your name?" "Sam," the cowboy moaned.
"Where y'all from, Sam?" asked the Ranger.
With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Sam replied, " the balcony."
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Old 03-07-2007, 03:21 PM   #54
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why is it called a pair of panties, but only one bra?
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Old 03-07-2007, 04:54 PM   #55
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TATTRAT
why is it called a pair of panties, but only one bra?

I like the fact you appear to be such a deep thinker
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Old 03-07-2007, 05:05 PM   #56
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World's Shortest Fairytale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl, "Will you marry me?" The girl said
"No" and she lived happily ever after and went shopping, drank martinis
with friends, always had a clean house, never had to cook, had a closet
full of shoes and handbags, stayed skinny, and was never farted on.

The End
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Old 03-07-2007, 05:09 PM   #57
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mudbug
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl, "Will you marry me?" The girl said
"No" and she lived happily ever after and went shopping, drank martinis
with friends, always had a clean house, never had to cook, had a closet
full of shoes and handbags, stayed skinny, and was never farted on.

The End

Talk about fantastic luck! That guy really dodged a bullet!
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Old 03-07-2007, 05:12 PM   #58
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Andy, Andy, Andy. Didn't you see the title? It's a fairytale..........
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Old 03-07-2007, 06:08 PM   #59
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Yeah, 'bug. So was mine...
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Old 03-07-2007, 07:00 PM   #60
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(really PG ~ DH sent it to me...)

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> The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.
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