Joke of the Day

[Alix]

Feel free to add your own. Remember our PG rating please.

Make the Beds
When we put our house up for sale, I stressed emphatically that my sons make their beds each morning.
I left for work before they left for school, and I wanted to be sure that the house looked presentable when the agent showed it to prospective buyers.
I was surprised and impressed that my 15-year-old son's bed was perfectly made each day. One night when I went into his room, I discovered his secret.
He was fast asleep on the floor in his sleeping bag.​

Josh Who?
My daughter called me at work to say I had received a call from "Josh" at the bank regarding my account.
Returning the call to my bank, the operator asked what Josh's last name was.
I explained that he hadn't left his last name.
Then she asked for his department, and I said that I didn't know that either.
"There are 1500 employees in this building, ma'am," she told me rather sharply.
So I asked her for her name.
"Danielle," she said.
"And your last name?" I asked.
"Sorry," she replied, "we're not allowed to give last names."​

For The Kids...
What do you call a witch who likes the beach but is scared of the water?
A chicken sandwitch!​

When a witch falls into a pond what is the first thing that she does?
Get wet!
What did the witch say to the ugly toad?
"I'd put a curse on you but it looks like someone already beat me to it"!​

What kinds of wizards can jump higher than a bus?
All of them, busses don't jump!​

 

[TATTRAT]

thanks,Alix! I needed a chuckle!

What kinda fish has 2 knees?

...a two-knee fish.


sorry, the kids one up there brought it out.

 

[Michelemarie]

Very cute! This is one we say to my 2-year old son all the time - he is a bit slow in the talking department - he calls Santa "ho ho hooooo" and he calls snow "no". After the rain last week and the snow disappearing, he keeps saying, "ma, no no" for "no snow". Anyways, here is our joke:

What does Santa say when he falls down the stairs?

Ho No!


I think it is cuter coming from a two-year old, but oh well.

 

[boufa06]

While visiting the U.S. after attending a Jaycee world congress, I was invited to a party given by some fellow Jaycee members. During the party and while holding a handful of cocktail nuts, the door bell rang. Since I was next to the door, someone called out to me to open it. Unable to do so, with the nuts in my hand, I exclaimed, "I can't open the door while holding my nuts!" The ruckus laughter that followed left me a bit befuddled. When realizing what I had just said, I joined in too!!

 

[QSis]

What goes "Ho Ho Ho THUD?"

Santa Claus laughing his head off.


(love that joke)

Lee

 

[Michelemarie]

Very cute!

 

[Alix]

Oh man, I am LMAO here. Keep 'em coming folks. Boufa, I loved the nuts thing. That is something I would do.

 

[angelbear9114]

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?

-A sitck

 

[shpj4]

Alix your Joke Of The Day was great and I really enjoyed reading it. I love to laugh and Jolie my Toy Poodle gets all excited when I do.

Happy Holidays.

 

[TexasTamale]

So there's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.
One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.
Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.
This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.
For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets _very_ quiet.
At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.
The bird calmly climbs onto the man's out-stretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."
The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.....
Then the parrot says, "By the way, just what did the chicken do?"

 

[Insty-Grill]

Why does Santa wash his cloths in tide????


--cz its 2 cold outide

 

[TexasTamale]

Why does Santa wash his cloths in tide????


--cz its 2 cold outide

LOL! Love it!!!!

 

[Andy M.]

Churches in Las Vegas

Las Vegas Churches

THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN LAS VEGAS, BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS.

NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.

SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS.

THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.

THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS! ​

YOU DIDN'T EVEN SEE IT COMING DID YOU ? GOTCHA !! ​

​

 

[boufa06]

A florist was delivering two bouquets of flowers. One of them was to be sent to someone who had just moved into his new home and the other to a someone who had passed away. During delivery, things got mixed up a little. The bouquet for the deceased arrived with a card that read "Congratulations! I knew you deserved it!!." The other's card said "May you rest in peace in your new environment."

 

[Katie H]

Apropos of the season!

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's glasses.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "They're Carol's."[/FONT]​

 

[Barbara L]

This was in my pastor's newsletter today:

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So, is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then, he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.
Jack asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 a.m., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got the black eye when you ran into the door."
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $. 38
Saying the right thing at the right time....PRICELESS!

 

[Alix]

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?

10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?

16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?

21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?

22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?

24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?

27. Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?

 

[mudbug]

What nationality is Santa Claus?

North Polish

 

[Insty-Grill]

Wonder if Santa is related to my Polish neighbor!?!

Normally I'm not a gossip.
(I try not to notice, but his eyes always glean with such pride.
His walk can't be just clean, he uses a toothbrush for gosh sake).

Everyday I see more!
He spends hours and hours and I can't believe his pride!

Then I see his wife expectant, and just had to wonder how.
This time I ask; and get:

YUP!, ...standing up in the hammock!


NNNO!! ...tell me I didn't see one (hammock), ...in Santas things?

 

[Insty-Grill]

Top Secret!

What nationality is Santa Claus?

North Polish

Shshshsh!! mudbug, .....that was sposed 2 b TOP SECRET!

I can read the headlines now

CRACKER BREAKS COMBINATION TO SANTAS POLOCK