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Old 10-04-2007, 01:14 PM   #1
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Joke Thread (PG!!)

tried to look just for a joke thread but me being new here didn't know where to put it!!!!!!!

Once upon a time a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?"

The girl said "No" and she lived happily ever after and went shopping
drank vodka with her friends, always had a clean house, never had to
cook, had a closet full of clothes, handbags and shoes, stayed skinny,
and was never farted on.


The End.

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Old 10-04-2007, 01:20 PM   #2
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Subject: Beware the jewellery conman !

An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening
with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweller he was looking
for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a £5,000 ring and
showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want
something very special."

At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another
ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only £40, 000," the jeweller said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated by
cheque. I know you need to make sure the cheque is good, so I'll write now
and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the
ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweller phoned the old man. "You old fart,
you lied. There's no money in that account."

"I know", admitted the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"
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Old 10-04-2007, 01:52 PM   #3
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Both were very funny!!!! Thanks!!!
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Old 10-04-2007, 03:42 PM   #4
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Sorry Ladies! ;)




So, God made Adam. Adam was walking around one day and realized that he was lonely, so he asked God for a companion. God said, "I can make a woman for you. She will cook and clean and do everything you ask her to. She will wait on you hand and foot. She will be so beautiful that you won't be able to take your eyes off of her. It's gonna cost you an arm and a leg, though."
Adam said, "Well, what can I get for a rib?"
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Old 10-04-2007, 03:46 PM   #5
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The Man's Guide to Female English...

We need = I want
Itís your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want = Youíll pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Youíre...so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
Youíre certainly attentive tonight! = Is sex all you ever think about?
Iím not emotional! And Iím not overreacting! = Iíve got my period
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper ...
I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = Iím going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today youíre not going to like
Iíll be ready in a minute = kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
Is my butt fat? = Tell me Iím beautiful
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Yes = No
No = No
Maybe = No
Iím sorry = Youíll be sorry
Do you like this recipe? = Itís easy to fix so youíd better get used to it
Iím not yelling! = Yes Iím yelling because I think itís important
All weíre going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that weíre stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few purses, and those sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your check book?



The Woman's Guide to Male English...

Iím hungry = Iím hungry
Iím sleepy = Iím sleepy
Iím tired = Iím tired
Do you want to go to a movie = Iíd eventually like to have sex with you
Can I take you out to dinner? = Iíd eventually like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = Iíd eventually like to have sex with you
May I have this dance? = Iíd eventually like to have sex with you
Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you
Whatís wrong? = I donít see why youíre making such a big deal out of this

Whatís wrong? = what meaningless, self inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
Whatís wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
Iím bored = Do you want to have sex?
I love you = Letís have sex now
I love you, too = Okay, I said it...weíd better have sex now!
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = $50 and it doesnít look that much different!
Letís talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then youíd like to have sex with me
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for other men to have sex with you
I like that one better (while shopping) = Pick any frigging dress and letís get out of here.

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Old 10-04-2007, 03:47 PM   #6
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Old 10-04-2007, 03:54 PM   #7
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Do you want to go to a movie = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
Can I take you out to dinner? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
May I have this dance? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you
I’m bored = Do you want to have sex?
I love you = Let’s have sex now
I love you, too = Okay, I said it...we’d better have sex now!
Let’s talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you’d like to have sex with me

LOL LMFAO ROFLMAO thats so true, way to true.... im a crying ATM. oh im soooo emailing this to every one i know. also with mans guide to female English. Anytime a women says i have nothing to wear tonight to the meeting. it always means. I have nothing new to wear and so im going out to buy some new clothes tomorrow.

I like that one better (while shopping) = Pick any frigging dress and let’s get out of here cuz it aint stayin on to much longer becasue eventually id like to have sex with you...
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Old 10-04-2007, 03:55 PM   #8
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In 1986, Mikele Mebembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mikele approached it very carefully.

He got down on o ne knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Mikele worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Mikele stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Mikele never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Mikele was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mikele and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mikele, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mikele couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mikele summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mikele's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly. Probably wasn't the same elephant.

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Old 10-04-2007, 04:04 PM   #9
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I'm off to Home Depot.........

Did you ever notice your SO is either like an oven in the summer or an ice cube in the winter?
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Old 10-04-2007, 04:05 PM   #10
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A husband and wife were in a heated arguement.
The Arguement ended with the wife saying "Fine!" and the Husband saying "Fine!"
The wife decided to teach his husband a lesson and not say anything until he apologized.
Day 1 came and went, neither one said anything to each other.
Day 2 came and went, neither uttering a word
Day 3 came and went, still not a word uttered.
By the end of day 4 the wife had had it. She decided to confront her husband.
"What's wrong with you? Do you not care that we haven't spoken a single word in 4 days? I am so mad I could spit!"
The husband looks up from the paper and said "I just thought we were getting along."
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