Joke Thread (PG!!)

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Mands15

Assistant Cook
Joined
Oct 2, 2007
Messages
5
Location
West Yorkshire, UK
tried to look just for a joke thread but me being new here didn't know where to put it!!!!!!! :ohmy:

Once upon a time a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?"

The girl said "No" and she lived happily ever after and went shopping
drank vodka with her friends, always had a clean house, never had to
cook, had a closet full of clothes, handbags and shoes, stayed skinny,
and was never farted on.


The End.
 
Subject: Beware the jewellery conman !

An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening
with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweller he was looking
for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a £5,000 ring and
showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want
something very special."

At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another
ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only £40, 000," the jeweller said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated by
cheque. I know you need to make sure the cheque is good, so I'll write now
and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the
ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweller phoned the old man. "You old fart,
you lied. There's no money in that account."

"I know", admitted the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"
 
Sorry Ladies! ;)




So, God made Adam. Adam was walking around one day and realized that he was lonely, so he asked God for a companion. God said, "I can make a woman for you. She will cook and clean and do everything you ask her to. She will wait on you hand and foot. She will be so beautiful that you won't be able to take your eyes off of her. It's gonna cost you an arm and a leg, though."
Adam said, "Well, what can I get for a rib?"
 
The Man's Guide to Female English...

We need = I want
It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want = You’ll pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
You’re...so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
You’re certainly attentive tonight! = Is sex all you ever think about?
I’m not emotional! And I’m not overreacting! = I’ve got my period
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper ...
I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today you’re not going to like
I’ll be ready in a minute = kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I’m beautiful
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Yes = No
No = No
Maybe = No
I’m sorry = You’ll be sorry
Do you like this recipe? = It’s easy to fix so you’d better get used to it
I’m not yelling! = Yes I’m yelling because I think it’s important
All we’re going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we’re stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few purses, and those sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your check book?



The Woman's Guide to Male English...

I’m hungry = I’m hungry
I’m sleepy = I’m sleepy
I’m tired = I’m tired
Do you want to go to a movie = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
Can I take you out to dinner? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
May I have this dance? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you
What’s wrong? = I don’t see why you’re making such a big deal out of this

What’s wrong? = what meaningless, self inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
What’s wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
I’m bored = Do you want to have sex?
I love you = Let’s have sex now
I love you, too = Okay, I said it...we’d better have sex now!
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = $50 and it doesn’t look that much different!
Let’s talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you’d like to have sex with me
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for other men to have sex with you
I like that one better (while shopping) = Pick any frigging dress and let’s get out of here.

 
jokes_1.jpg
 
Do you want to go to a movie = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
Can I take you out to dinner? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
May I have this dance? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you
I’m bored = Do you want to have sex?
I love you = Let’s have sex now
I love you, too = Okay, I said it...we’d better have sex now!
Let’s talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you’d like to have sex with me

LOL LMFAO ROFLMAO thats so true, way to true.... im a crying ATM. oh im soooo emailing this to every one i know. also with mans guide to female English. Anytime a women says i have nothing to wear tonight to the meeting. it always means. I have nothing new to wear and so im going out to buy some new clothes tomorrow.

I like that one better (while shopping) = Pick any frigging dress and let’s get out of here cuz it aint stayin on to much longer becasue eventually id like to have sex with you...
 
In 1986, Mikele Mebembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mikele approached it very carefully.

He got down on o ne knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Mikele worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Mikele stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Mikele never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Mikele was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mikele and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mikele, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mikele couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mikele summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mikele's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly. Probably wasn't the same elephant.

 
A husband and wife were in a heated arguement.
The Arguement ended with the wife saying "Fine!" and the Husband saying "Fine!"
The wife decided to teach his husband a lesson and not say anything until he apologized.
Day 1 came and went, neither one said anything to each other.
Day 2 came and went, neither uttering a word
Day 3 came and went, still not a word uttered.
By the end of day 4 the wife had had it. She decided to confront her husband.
"What's wrong with you? Do you not care that we haven't spoken a single word in 4 days? I am so mad I could spit!"
The husband looks up from the paper and said "I just thought we were getting along."
 
Three good ole southern boys were driving down the road in a 4-door Chevelle (the Maverick was in the shop) when they got pulled over by an Alabama State Trooper. After pulling to the side of the road, and the driver rolls down his window and waits on the officer.

The Trooper walks up to the driver’s side window, reaches in, and *SMACK* slaps ole Billy clean across the face. Billy rubs his cheek and asks, “What did you do that for”?

The Trooper responds, “Son, when an Alabama State Trooper pulls you over, you have your driver’s license ready and waiting, ya' hear”?

Billy dutifully pulls out his license and submits it to the officer. After a few minutes of investigation, the Trooper returns the license and walks over to the front passenger side and taps on the window. Bobby rolls down his window and looks up at the trooper.

*SMACK*, the Trooper slapped ole Bobby hard across the face. Bobby rubbed his cheek and asked, “What was that for”?

The Trooper responded, “Son, when you are the passenger of a car that has been pulled over by an Alabama State Trooper, you immediately dig in the glove box and have the vehicle’s registration and proof of insurance ready and waiting, ya’ hear”!?

Bobby dutifully fished out the paperwork and handed it over to the Trooper. After a minute or so of investigation, the Trooper returned the papers to Bobby and stepped to the back window of the car. The Trooper tapped on the window, and Jimmy rolled it down and looked up at the officer.

*SMACK*, the Trooper slapped ole Jimmy up side his head. Jimmy rubbed his throbbing face and asked, “What was that for”?!?!

The Trooper calmly looked at Jimmy and said, “Son, I‘m just fulfilling your wish. Had you gotten no more than a half mile down this here road, you’d have said to your buddies ‘I wish that dumb Trooper would have slapped me’ ”!!
 
A pirate is sitting at a bar drinkin his Ale when his good ol buddy comes walkin in and sits next to him.

The friend looks at the pirate and says "captain i see your a pirate with a peg leg."
" Eye, I am a man with a peg leg" says the pirate.

The friend looks a round and takes a sip of his Ale and says
"captain, i see you a pirate with a hook for ye arm"
"Eye, i terrible fight with me wife"

The friend kinda surprised at his response says " well captain i see your a man with a patch for his eye."

The pirate boldy replies. "Eye, twas bird poop."

"BIRD POOP." says the friend loudly.

The pirate looks at him and then hangs his head and says "yup, bird poop. First day of me hook"
 
A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender “Got any duck feed”.

The bartender said, “No, this is a bar not a farm”. So the duck left.

The next day, the duck came back and again asked, “Got any duck feed”. The bartender quickly snapped, “No, I told you yesterday we don’t carry duck feed”. So the duck left.

The next day, the duck again entered the bar and inquired of the bartender, “Got any duck feed”. Fed up, the bartender bellowed, “Look, I’ve done told you we don’t have any duck feed. If you come in here one more time and ask for any, I’m going to nail those little webbed feet of yours to the floor”! The duck turned and walked away.

The next day, the duck again entered the bar and approached the bartender, “Got any nails”? The bartender was taken aback at this and replied, “Uh, no, I don’t have any nails”.

“Got any duck feed”?
 
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The Top Ten Things Men Understand About Women

10.
9.
8.
7.
6.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1.
 
Its a Guy Thing

"IT'S A GUY THING."
Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH, HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"
Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN."
Translated: "I have no idea how it works."

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY; YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Translated: "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Translated: "I remember the theme song to 'F. Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES."
Translated: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"OH, DON'T FUSS. I JUST CUT MYSELF; IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Translated: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."
Translated: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Translated: "What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU."
Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me and realize it could be worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Translated: "Oh, please don't try on one more outfit; I'm starving."

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again."

"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."
Translated: "I make the messes, she cleans them up."

"I'M GOING FISHING"
Translated:"I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"I'M GETTING MORE EXERCISE LATELY"
Translated: "The batteries in the remote are dead."​
 
Toilet CleaningInstructions :

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power-wash' and rinse'.

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.




cat1.JPG


Sincerely,
The Dog




dog1.JPG
 
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