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Old 07-07-2008, 03:14 PM   #11
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Wow, the replies are coming so fast!

Yes, I don't think there is a way we can all be happy, we all are who we are after all!

They want us to go out this summer (they really don't understand how DH works) but I think this whole drama will commence september, start of the academic year.
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Old 07-07-2008, 03:15 PM   #12
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The other side of the coin is that you could use this opportunity to lay out all the things that you see that you do not like. Do not beat around the bush if you go this route. Be direct and say that you do not like when they say xyz or do abc or whatever. Maybe they will see where they were being unreasonable and change. From the sounds of it that is not very likely, but you never do really know until you try.
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Old 07-07-2008, 03:16 PM   #13
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Originally Posted by Fisher's Mom View Post
It would probably be good if he could say to his father straight out that he'd like to have a "guys evening" with just the 2 of them.
Do you know, I don't think he's ever suggested that, but it would work! DH and F-i-L both love jazz and step M-i-l doesn't, so that would be a good way.

Thats a really great idea! Bless you!
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Old 07-07-2008, 03:17 PM   #14
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OK, not yet. F-i-Ls placement will be in Berlin I think....but he's suggesting we go thre one weekend a month and, gulp, they come here one weekend a month or that we meet in London every second or third weekend. (they use planes like we use the car!)
if you happen to come to Berlin, let me know, it's not that far away..

maybe you should try the chance you have to get everything allright again - maybe it works..
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Old 07-07-2008, 03:18 PM   #15
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The other side of the coin is that you could use this opportunity to lay out all the things that you see that you do not like. Do not beat around the bush if you go this route. Be direct and say that you do not like when they say xyz or do abc or whatever. Maybe they will see where they were being unreasonable and change. From the sounds of it that is not very likely, but you never do really know until you try.

Gulp. I'm brave GB, but maybe not that brave. Step m-i-l shares her view of people (including friends and family) in a monthly column in an American publictaion available internationally. I'd say whatever to F-i-L but I don't want dirty laundry anywhere but, well, on th internet here I guess,

But, hell, you know, I like this idea too, now I think about it. I know it will get twisted in th rtelling to other family, but I'm good at disagreeing politely, and I suppose then the buck stops with me. Which although uncomfortbale has a certain strength.

Good to think on GB ((hugs)) thanks
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Old 07-07-2008, 03:23 PM   #16
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Whatever path you take, I wish you the best of luck! It is certainly a tricky situation to be in, but I know you will make the best of it.
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Old 07-07-2008, 03:31 PM   #17
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Do not rely on others speaking for you.
Hubby may want to do the right thing, but may tiptoe around the issue, not wanting to hurt his father's feeling.
It's a good start, the two of them meeting, but I would lay it out as well.
You already don't get along, so how much worse could it get? And why don't they know your living situation?
What are you so afraid of? We all need help sometimes.
And that's really when we find who our friends and family are. If they don't understand, or do, and then don't care, there's your answer.


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Old 07-07-2008, 03:40 PM   #18
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Gulp. I'm brave GB, but maybe not that brave. Step m-i-l shares her view of people (including friends and family) in a monthly column in an American publictaion available internationally. I'd say whatever to F-i-L but I don't want dirty laundry anywhere but, well, on th internet here I guess,
What do you care what MIL is saying in her column?
She's already putting her spin on things anyway. If
you speak your truth, you can live with yourselfs, and that's all you have to worry about.
And believe me, sooner or later, people see through that, if not have already been a victim of her as well.
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Old 07-07-2008, 03:44 PM   #19
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Originally Posted by quicksilver View Post
And why don't they know your living situation?
What are you so afraid of? We all need help sometimes.
And that's really when we find who our friends and family are. If they don't understand, or do, and then don't care, there's your answer.

They don't know because I didn't want them calling me at mother's house. (In fact F-i-L HAS called here and thats when he lied and told my mother he was paying our rent and we 'owed him' to keep in touch better). so its my fault because I feel somewhat, um, persecuted is too strong a word, but I wanted privacy and to get out of the dynamic and I wanted to not be asked about and tut tutted over.

The help thing is a whole other kettle of fish. F-i-L WOULD help with a monthly sum if we asked, I know he would. He is not ungenerous in that way. But in would come with a price tag too. Its not right to take someone's money when you feel how I do. Also, although F-i-L would be generous on a monthly payment, he also kind of stitched up his kids over their inheritance from their mother, so the men part of me says he can afford to be generous. (I can't pretend I don't have bed feelings over things that have happened, it would be untrue and unrealistic.)

I guess the 'worse it can get' is that it could go from stilted emails and avoiding each othr to DH feeling he could never turn to his dad, feling disoned over loyaly to me. I wouldn't want that. ATM is dad is still there in some way. I should also further qualify my efforts in this mean that although I don't want conatct personally its me who nags DH to send birthday cards and the occasional email.

ETA. I really need to clarfy that I don't think they are wrong and I am right. I do feel I have acted as well as I can, and at times near saintly, but its true I instigated the dropped contact in prefernce to the barbd comments between me and F-iL etc. We are all very strong people and from radically different idealisms and social places, and find it hard to separate ourselves from our stringheld views. Many of us are just incompatible.

I'm probably the most forthright and cannot abide the passive aggressive thing, I don't really know HOW to deal with it. I think F-i-L and I ould get on better again without M-i-Law around, but you know, they have as much right to be unjudged by us as we have to be unjudged by them in our respective unions!

Urgh. You sure cannot chose your family can you!
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Old 07-07-2008, 03:54 PM   #20
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I had a very difficult MIL, too, Lulu, so I understand why you wanted the privacy. Since you and Hubby aren't living under the same roof right now, it leaves you and your mom vulnerable to ugly phone calls and worse. But I think you are right - this is your husband's father and that relationship should be between them and not made more strained. It can lead to resentment down the road if Hubby feels like he had to choose between his father and you. It sounds like your MIL is doing just that and making it worse so kudos to you for not sinking to her level.
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