Just about ready to flip

[lulu]

Oh dear. I think I need some DC wisdom.

I just found out my in laws are coming to Europe for a year. I don't think I can take it. Relations just about broke down when my step m-i-l emailed forbidding me to go ahead with getting married on my wedding morning. (she's never met me, and only met dh twice before she married F-i-l and tice since..they actually got married a year after us, but they were together for a couple of years before DH and I met). It
wasn't an easy rlationship with any of my in laws befor that, but I really did make a good effort. My f-i-l has always been very charming to me but I believe he inds up my s-i-l to 'have a go' rather than do his own dirty work.

As it happens I think if I were not in the family I'd like them all a great deal, but I am very hurt by lots of what has been said and done, and mainly the lies that have been told. With th family members that have 'given me a chance' things have been great. Dh's cousin lived ith us for over half a year while doing a placemnt in London, and we got very close, and I like her mother too who was kind to me.

I made the decision sometime ago that while I didn't want to in anyway shape or form impede DH's rlationship with his family, it was not a dynamic that needed the aggravation of me involved, so I withdrew and go to none of the family 'things' and only keep intouch with the cousin and aunt (and I make REALLY sure not to repsond to any gossip etc)

Now F-i-L and step M-i-L are coming to 'try and build bridges' and 'work out why I am so rsistant' and 'see if they can help with some of my problems' and I want no part of it. I really don't.

I really wish them no ill, but I just don't want anything contact ith them. I have an added concern and that is if I should ever manage to have a baby I really don't want her around spiteful step m-i-l who has rather strong politcal views, and for reasons I don't raly want to elaborate on but it would b enouh to make me uncomfortable. Thats a bit moot as I don't have a child, but it remains a sort of a concern in the back of my mind.

I really don't know how to respond or what to do. I just don't want to see them, is that too bad?

 

[Callisto in NC]

You could pray their visa isn't approved. A year is a long time to attempt to deal with people who you don't like. I can't deal with my father's woman for three days (she sounds a lot like you step m-i-l), I would kill her if she was constantly around even if she wasn't living with me, just close by. Heck, she's 8 hours away now and I can't deal with her.

What does your husband think? Is he behind you on this? If so, remember there are strength in numbers. Don't let them bully you into allowing them into your life.

 

[GB]

What does your husband think? Is he behind you on this?

That was going to be my question too. If he is behind you then just come right out and tell them how you feel. Tell them that you really do not want them in your life and that there is no point in them coming.

If your husband wants you to try to work it out with them though then you should at least give it a shot for him. If it does not work then you can say that you tried.

 

[babetoo]

gosh that is tough. my instincts say run for the hills. i too think it depends a lot on what your husband thinks. sometimes in-laws can be a big pain. my dil is two faced and undercuts me all the time. i just pretend to love her to pieces , cause it pleases my son. they live five min. from me. we don't see each other often and then usually the whole family is there so she settles for sarcastic. then laughs and says "just kidding"

babe

 

[lulu]

Dh's dad is European and already has a placement for a year. Their guaranteed so the visa thing is a no go!

DH is 100% behind me....ATM. Absolutely rightly he loves his family (thats part of what I love about him!) and he held them together for years after his mother died. H won't force me, but he'll want to please everyone. I just don't want this to turn out to be a source of resentment for eithr of us in later years.

He really doesn't want to see step m-i-l again either, (he in fact did not go to their proper wedding in NY but only to their English celebration in London), at which she was very rude and tried to accuse him of lying when his father wasn;t there but in front of f-i-l's friends (unfortunately this showed her up and I think is a new source of resentment, becuase she made her self look incredibly foolish).

F-i-l has been increasingly nagging rcently, (even aluding to a possibilty of having cancer- obviouly since either forgotton or thought better of as a tactic )..this really annoyed me because at the time DH and I were living not only not in same contry as in laws, but from also from each other, F-i_l was tryig to make us use DH's precious hoilday time to visit them. Its expensive and quite frankly not something either of us look forwards to.

I think DH would like to see his dad a few times, alone, but I don't think thats going to happen.

ETA: thanbks for not blaming me. I do feel really guilty about all this because I feel I shOULD be able to b the bigger person in all this and put up and shut up, so knowing that you aren't all instantly telling me to do just that makes me feel a little better on my stance

 

[pdswife]

Well.... it doesn't sound fun at all that's for sure. I love my in-laws but would go crazy if the lived near us. I wish you all the best and I wish I had some advice to give you.

 

[cara]

where do they live? Is it really near you?
Do you have the chance "to escape" from them if you want?

 

[quicksilver]

Lulu, I don't know how old you are, or how long you have been married, but as long as you (not them) are paying your own way, living on your (the 2 of you) own, making your own decisions, I would lay it out.
A Year? What are you kidding? We don't even get along on the telephone!
Just kidding. but I would say something like;
We're newlyweds, trying to build our home and lives together, and it really would be uncomfortable for us all under the same roof right now.
If you would like to stay some place local and share SOME of our year with us, I would like to get to know you both and work out some of our family conflict.
Throw the ball back in their court.
If you stand your ground, you can stand proud, no regrets, no hurt.
You can lower yourself to them, in which case, no matter how hard you try, you will, and get hurt and regret it.
Or you can stay strong (together), and call their bluff.
Are they coming to enhance and share your new family/marriage, or to destroy it? If they've come to
enhance, they will live with YOUR wishes.
How could they even imagine they could be so arrogant, and bold to just annonce they were coming uninvited.
If you let that happen, it will lay the foundation for the rest of your marriage, that you and your husband are not worthy of respect.
No way, no how would I stand for it.
Good luck,and keep us posted.
I'll say a prayer.

​

 

[Fisher's Mom]

Oh, Lulu, unless a miracle happens, there probably isn't going to be a happy ending. When ya'll were living in different countries, the issue of all getting together wasn't an issue. But it will be now, at least initially. Here's my advice but only you can judge if it would work in your particular situation.

I think DH will have to be the one to negotiate these waters and it probably won't be settled all at once. It would probably be good if he could say to his father straight out that he'd like to have a "guys evening" with just the 2 of them. Your MIL probably won't like this and may very well try to stop it.

If they do manage to get together, your hubby needs to tactfully explain that you and the MIL not only didn't get off on the right foot, but you are very different people who probably would never associate if you weren't related by marriage. Have him tell his dad exactly what type of relationship ya'll would like to have with them and exactly how much contact and how often. That's something you and DH will need to nail down ahead of time.

I'm sure the dad will be a little miffed and more than a little nervous about how his wife will react. (Sounds like she can be a real drama queen besides rude and mean.) The thing is, if your hubby explains that he wants to structure the relationship in this way to avoid difficulties and hurt feelings and bad blood in the future while still seeing his dad, whom he loves very much, maybe the dad will come to see the wisdom in this.

No one is going to "win" this anyway so the best you can try for is a relationship that all of you can tolerate. I'll be thing about you, girlfriend. BTW, when are they coming?

 

[lulu]

where do they live? Is it really near you?
Do you have the chance "to escape" from them if you want?

OK, not yet. F-i-Ls placement will be in Berlin I think....but he's suggesting we go thre one weekend a month and, gulp, they come here one weekend a month or that we meet in London every second or third weekend. (they use planes like we use the car!)

Now, we don't HAVE the spare cash for travelling right now, so if the comprimise happens it would be the weekend in London thing. We have no where to put them up..I live with my mother, DH is lodging weekdays in London. But, here's th thing, they don't really know that we don't have anywher to live (they must realise we can't afford it with crazy UK house prices) but have never really asked.

so yes, it wouldn't be a daily thing, but I just really don't want to see them. at all. The mor I think about it the mor I think it just gives more oppertunity for resentments on both sides and that we are better wishing each other no ill from a far. I would rsent 'losing DH' for a weekend amonth, as I already 'lose'him about that for work.

 

[lulu]

Wow, the replies are coming so fast!

Yes, I don't think there is a way we can all be happy, we all are who we are after all!

They want us to go out this summer (they really don't understand how DH works) but I think this whole drama will commence september, start of the academic year.

 

[GB]

The other side of the coin is that you could use this opportunity to lay out all the things that you see that you do not like. Do not beat around the bush if you go this route. Be direct and say that you do not like when they say xyz or do abc or whatever. Maybe they will see where they were being unreasonable and change. From the sounds of it that is not very likely, but you never do really know until you try.

 

[lulu]

It would probably be good if he could say to his father straight out that he'd like to have a "guys evening" with just the 2 of them.

Do you know, I don't think he's ever suggested that, but it would work! DH and F-i-L both love jazz and step M-i-l doesn't, so that would be a good way.

Thats a really great idea! Bless you!

 

[cara]

OK, not yet. F-i-Ls placement will be in Berlin I think....but he's suggesting we go thre one weekend a month and, gulp, they come here one weekend a month or that we meet in London every second or third weekend. (they use planes like we use the car!)

if you happen to come to Berlin, let me know, it's not that far away..

maybe you should try the chance you have to get everything allright again - maybe it works..

 

[lulu]

The other side of the coin is that you could use this opportunity to lay out all the things that you see that you do not like. Do not beat around the bush if you go this route. Be direct and say that you do not like when they say xyz or do abc or whatever. Maybe they will see where they were being unreasonable and change. From the sounds of it that is not very likely, but you never do really know until you try.

Gulp. I'm brave GB, but maybe not that brave. Step m-i-l shares her view of people (including friends and family) in a monthly column in an American publictaion available internationally. I'd say whatever to F-i-L but I don't want dirty laundry anywhere but, well, on th internet here I guess,

But, hell, you know, I like this idea too, now I think about it. I know it will get twisted in th rtelling to other family, but I'm good at disagreeing politely, and I suppose then the buck stops with me. Which although uncomfortbale has a certain strength.

Good to think on GB ((hugs)) thanks

 

[GB]

Whatever path you take, I wish you the best of luck! It is certainly a tricky situation to be in, but I know you will make the best of it.

 

[quicksilver]

Do not rely on others speaking for you.
Hubby may want to do the right thing, but may tiptoe around the issue, not wanting to hurt his father's feeling.
It's a good start, the two of them meeting, but I would lay it out as well.
You already don't get along, so how much worse could it get? And why don't they know your living situation?
What are you so afraid of? We all need help sometimes.
And that's really when we find who our friends and family are. If they don't understand, or do, and then don't care, there's your answer.

​

 

[quicksilver]

Gulp. I'm brave GB, but maybe not that brave. Step m-i-l shares her view of people (including friends and family) in a monthly column in an American publictaion available internationally. I'd say whatever to F-i-L but I don't want dirty laundry anywhere but, well, on th internet here I guess,

What do you care what MIL is saying in her column?
She's already putting her spin on things anyway. If
you speak your truth, you can live with yourselfs, and that's all you have to worry about.
And believe me, sooner or later, people see through that, if not have already been a victim of her as well.

 

[lulu]

And why don't they know your living situation?
What are you so afraid of? We all need help sometimes.
And that's really when we find who our friends and family are. If they don't understand, or do, and then don't care, there's your answer.

They don't know because I didn't want them calling me at mother's house. (In fact F-i-L HAS called here and thats when he lied and told my mother he was paying our rent and we 'owed him' to keep in touch better). so its my fault because I feel somewhat, um, persecuted is too strong a word, but I wanted privacy and to get out of the dynamic and I wanted to not be asked about and tut tutted over.

The help thing is a whole other kettle of fish. F-i-L WOULD help with a monthly sum if we asked, I know he would. He is not ungenerous in that way. But in would come with a price tag too. Its not right to take someone's money when you feel how I do. Also, although F-i-L would be generous on a monthly payment, he also kind of stitched up his kids over their inheritance from their mother, so the men part of me says he can afford to be generous. (I can't pretend I don't have bed feelings over things that have happened, it would be untrue and unrealistic.)

I guess the 'worse it can get' is that it could go from stilted emails and avoiding each othr to DH feeling he could never turn to his dad, feling disoned over loyaly to me. I wouldn't want that. ATM is dad is still there in some way. I should also further qualify my efforts in this mean that although I don't want conatct personally its me who nags DH to send birthday cards and the occasional email.

ETA. I really need to clarfy that I don't think they are wrong and I am right. I do feel I have acted as well as I can, and at times near saintly, but its true I instigated the dropped contact in prefernce to the barbd comments between me and F-iL etc. We are all very strong people and from radically different idealisms and social places, and find it hard to separate ourselves from our stringheld views. Many of us are just incompatible.

I'm probably the most forthright and cannot abide the passive aggressive thing, I don't really know HOW to deal with it. I think F-i-L and I ould get on better again without M-i-Law around, but you know, they have as much right to be unjudged by us as we have to be unjudged by them in our respective unions!

Urgh. You sure cannot chose your family can you!

 

[Fisher's Mom]

I had a very difficult MIL, too, Lulu, so I understand why you wanted the privacy. Since you and Hubby aren't living under the same roof right now, it leaves you and your mom vulnerable to ugly phone calls and worse. But I think you are right - this is your husband's father and that relationship should be between them and not made more strained. It can lead to resentment down the road if Hubby feels like he had to choose between his father and you. It sounds like your MIL is doing just that and making it worse so kudos to you for not sinking to her level.