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Old 04-27-2014, 04:15 PM   #21
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Kayelle, I'm not sure what your point is. Please explain.

First of all, RB and his wife are willing to help but realize there is a financial impact. Mom has some resources so should be willing to contribute.

What input could the SILs have that would be relevant? They don't know RB's financial situation (and he shouldn't have to share it) and may not know all of mom's. I don't see this as a situation where mom's money needs to be protected by the SILs because RB and his wife are "money hungry" and a "wimp" as in your previous story.

Unless the SILs are being asked to help financially, they should not be involved.
I have to agree with you Andy. The sisters have no need to know the finances of the MIL or RB. The only information they are entitled to is where their mother is presently residing and that they will have access to visiting her anytime they want to as long as it doesn't interfere with RB and the family dynamics. If the MIL wishes to share her own finances with her other two daughters, then that is her choice. As long as she keep her confidence regarding RB's financial information.

At one time my daughter knew all my financial information. Not anymore. Since her illness, I have had to transfer little by little all responsibility over to my youngest and oldest son. Mostly my oldest. I don't even let her know when and how much I get for my COLA increase each January. But I do let Spike know.

My daughter is relieved that she no longer is responsible for my wellbeing anymore. That has all been shifted to my oldest and youngest. Perhaps the two daughters will feel the same way.

BTW RB, make sure she has a will in place. Because she will have other monies from the sale of her home and her bank account, it will save a lot of problems later in life.
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Old 04-27-2014, 04:25 PM   #22
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Re help-lines I just searched and I found this

Full Circle of Care Caregiver Website
That is a great site. Looking at it I was brought to thinking of Cat and DA with dementia. She could use it.
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Old 04-27-2014, 04:34 PM   #23
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I have to agree with you Andy. The sisters have no need to know the finances of the MIL or RB. The only information they are entitled to is where their mother is presently residing and that they will have access to visiting her anytime they want to as long as it doesn't interfere with RB and the family dynamics. If the MIL wishes to share her own finances with her other two daughters, then that is her choice. As long as she keep her confidence regarding RB's financial information.

At one time my daughter knew all my financial information. Not anymore. Since her illness, I have had to transfer little by little all responsibility over to my youngest and oldest son. Mostly my oldest. I don't even let her know when and how much I get for my COLA increase each January. But I do let Spike know.

My daughter is relieved that she no longer is responsible for my wellbeing anymore. That has all been shifted to my oldest and youngest. Perhaps the two daughters will feel the same way.

BTW RB, make sure she has a will in place. Because she will have other monies from the sale of her home and her bank account, it will save a lot of problems later in life.
The last is an excellent point, Addie.

Also, RB, do you have Enduring Powers of Attorney in the USA?

We have them over here. The elderly person makes out a legal document with a solicitor/lawyer to say who she wants to be in charge of her finances and decision-making in the event that she becomes unable to look after her own affairs through mental or physical infirmity. It can't be invoked until such time as that happens and you have to have a medical diagnosis to the effect that she is incapable. If something like that is available where you are it is really worth doing as it saves a lot of difficulty after the old person has become incapacitated. My mother did this when she changed her will after my father died and it helped so much when she became too frail physically to get to the bank or to write cheques, etc., and later when she became mentally frail I could deal with her care home fees and buy her clothes, toiletries, etc., out of her money.
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Old 04-27-2014, 04:52 PM   #24
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I have to put my two cents on the side of a full family meeting so that everyone understands what is happening to Mom and her resources. I have seen too many situations where family members, my own included, become bitter and suspicious of family members handling an elderly persons affairs. I also believe that the amount that is decided upon should cover more than actual expenses. I believe that if the resources are sufficient it should cover the "wear and tear" on the caregivers, as LP already pointed out. Also keep very accurate records of where the money is, where it went and why. Medicaid has a three year look back and they can cause all sorts of inconvenience if you cannot provide a clear paper trail.

Good luck!
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Old 04-27-2014, 04:58 PM   #25
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I have to put my two cents on the side of a full family meeting so that everyone understands what is happening to Mom and her resources. I have seen too many situations where family members, my own included, become bitter and suspicious of family members handling an elderly persons affairs. I also believe that the amount that is decided upon should cover more than actual expenses. I believe that if the resources are sufficient it should cover the "wear and tear" on the caregivers, as LP already pointed out. Also keep very accurate records of where the money is, where it went and why. Medicaid has a three year look back and they can cause all sorts of inconvenience if you cannot provide a clear paper trail.

Good luck!
Another good point about keeping the records.
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Old 04-27-2014, 05:16 PM   #26
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I have to put my two cents on the side of a full family meeting so that everyone understands what is happening to Mom and her resources. I have seen too many situations where family members, my own included, become bitter and suspicious of family members handling an elderly persons affairs. I also believe that the amount that is decided upon should cover more than actual expenses. I believe that if the resources are sufficient it should cover the "wear and tear" on the caregivers, as LP already pointed out. Also keep very accurate records of where the money is, where it went and why. Medicaid has a three year look back and they can cause all sorts of inconvenience if you cannot provide a clear paper trail.

Good luck!




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Old 04-27-2014, 05:22 PM   #27
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R_B, my undying admiration for you to do this. I'm not sure I would have been able to handle my own mother had she needed to move in with us, and that woman put up with ME all her life!

About you MIL's other daughters not being able to accommodate Mom: If I were in your position, I would want to make it clear from the beginning that should your MILs income and assets no longer be able to support her financial requirements and money needs to come from family that they would be responsible for their share of the costs. If you are hosting Mom and caring for her as she ages they should be able to support their Mom financially without any further impact on your personal budget. That' my 2 cents worth. Good luck and God Bless with your selfless gesture.
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Old 04-27-2014, 05:35 PM   #28
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Kayelle, I'm not sure what your point is. Please explain.
Andy, my point is that some caretakers, such as my SIL, can try to take financial advantage of a shared parent, and that shouldn't sit well with anyone. I'm sure that RB is nothing like that, but believe me they exist and I sincerely advise the sisters at least be included in the conversation.
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Old 04-27-2014, 05:38 PM   #29
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How about RB, RB's DW, and MIL have the discussion and then later include the sisters. Actually I think there should be a first discussion just between RB and RB's DW.
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Old 04-27-2014, 06:55 PM   #30
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Today, more and more middle age and elderly parents are taking care of their parents. We are all living longer. There are now agencies that can and are willing to assist in anyway they can. I believe every state has an Elderly Affairs Department. It would be considered a wise move to contact them for assistance. I am sure they will have the figures to show what the cost is of taking in a parent.

Other than LP, has anyone else had to be the guardian of an elderly parent here?
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