Mother-in-law

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Kayelle, I'm not sure what your point is. Please explain.

First of all, RB and his wife are willing to help but realize there is a financial impact. Mom has some resources so should be willing to contribute.

What input could the SILs have that would be relevant? They don't know RB's financial situation (and he shouldn't have to share it) and may not know all of mom's. I don't see this as a situation where mom's money needs to be protected by the SILs because RB and his wife are "money hungry" and a "wimp" as in your previous story.

Unless the SILs are being asked to help financially, they should not be involved.

I have to agree with you Andy. The sisters have no need to know the finances of the MIL or RB. The only information they are entitled to is where their mother is presently residing and that they will have access to visiting her anytime they want to as long as it doesn't interfere with RB and the family dynamics. If the MIL wishes to share her own finances with her other two daughters, then that is her choice. As long as she keep her confidence regarding RB's financial information.

At one time my daughter knew all my financial information. Not anymore. Since her illness, I have had to transfer little by little all responsibility over to my youngest and oldest son. Mostly my oldest. I don't even let her know when and how much I get for my COLA increase each January. But I do let Spike know.

My daughter is relieved that she no longer is responsible for my wellbeing anymore. That has all been shifted to my oldest and youngest. Perhaps the two daughters will feel the same way.

BTW RB, make sure she has a will in place. Because she will have other monies from the sale of her home and her bank account, it will save a lot of problems later in life. :angel:
 
I have to agree with you Andy. The sisters have no need to know the finances of the MIL or RB. The only information they are entitled to is where their mother is presently residing and that they will have access to visiting her anytime they want to as long as it doesn't interfere with RB and the family dynamics. If the MIL wishes to share her own finances with her other two daughters, then that is her choice. As long as she keep her confidence regarding RB's financial information.

At one time my daughter knew all my financial information. Not anymore. Since her illness, I have had to transfer little by little all responsibility over to my youngest and oldest son. Mostly my oldest. I don't even let her know when and how much I get for my COLA increase each January. But I do let Spike know.

My daughter is relieved that she no longer is responsible for my wellbeing anymore. That has all been shifted to my oldest and youngest. Perhaps the two daughters will feel the same way.

BTW RB, make sure she has a will in place. Because she will have other monies from the sale of her home and her bank account, it will save a lot of problems later in life. :angel:
The last is an excellent point, Addie.

Also, RB, do you have Enduring Powers of Attorney in the USA?

We have them over here. The elderly person makes out a legal document with a solicitor/lawyer to say who she wants to be in charge of her finances and decision-making in the event that she becomes unable to look after her own affairs through mental or physical infirmity. It can't be invoked until such time as that happens and you have to have a medical diagnosis to the effect that she is incapable. If something like that is available where you are it is really worth doing as it saves a lot of difficulty after the old person has become incapacitated. My mother did this when she changed her will after my father died and it helped so much when she became too frail physically to get to the bank or to write cheques, etc., and later when she became mentally frail I could deal with her care home fees and buy her clothes, toiletries, etc., out of her money.
 
I have to put my two cents on the side of a full family meeting so that everyone understands what is happening to Mom and her resources. I have seen too many situations where family members, my own included, become bitter and suspicious of family members handling an elderly persons affairs. I also believe that the amount that is decided upon should cover more than actual expenses. I believe that if the resources are sufficient it should cover the "wear and tear" on the caregivers, as LP already pointed out. Also keep very accurate records of where the money is, where it went and why. Medicaid has a three year look back and they can cause all sorts of inconvenience if you cannot provide a clear paper trail.

Good luck!
 
I have to put my two cents on the side of a full family meeting so that everyone understands what is happening to Mom and her resources. I have seen too many situations where family members, my own included, become bitter and suspicious of family members handling an elderly persons affairs. I also believe that the amount that is decided upon should cover more than actual expenses. I believe that if the resources are sufficient it should cover the "wear and tear" on the caregivers, as LP already pointed out. Also keep very accurate records of where the money is, where it went and why. Medicaid has a three year look back and they can cause all sorts of inconvenience if you cannot provide a clear paper trail.

Good luck!
Another good point about keeping the records.
 
I have to put my two cents on the side of a full family meeting so that everyone understands what is happening to Mom and her resources. I have seen too many situations where family members, my own included, become bitter and suspicious of family members handling an elderly persons affairs. I also believe that the amount that is decided upon should cover more than actual expenses. I believe that if the resources are sufficient it should cover the "wear and tear" on the caregivers, as LP already pointed out. Also keep very accurate records of where the money is, where it went and why. Medicaid has a three year look back and they can cause all sorts of inconvenience if you cannot provide a clear paper trail.

Good luck!





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R_B, my undying admiration for you to do this. I'm not sure I would have been able to handle my own mother had she needed to move in with us, and that woman put up with ME all her life!

About you MIL's other daughters not being able to accommodate Mom: If I were in your position, I would want to make it clear from the beginning that should your MILs income and assets no longer be able to support her financial requirements and money needs to come from family that they would be responsible for their share of the costs. If you are hosting Mom and caring for her as she ages they should be able to support their Mom financially without any further impact on your personal budget. That' my 2 cents worth. Good luck and God Bless with your selfless gesture.
 
Kayelle, I'm not sure what your point is. Please explain.

Andy, my point is that some caretakers, such as my SIL, can try to take financial advantage of a shared parent, and that shouldn't sit well with anyone. I'm sure that RB is nothing like that, but believe me they exist and I sincerely advise the sisters at least be included in the conversation.
 
How about RB, RB's DW, and MIL have the discussion and then later include the sisters. Actually I think there should be a first discussion just between RB and RB's DW.
 
Today, more and more middle age and elderly parents are taking care of their parents. We are all living longer. There are now agencies that can and are willing to assist in anyway they can. I believe every state has an Elderly Affairs Department. It would be considered a wise move to contact them for assistance. I am sure they will have the figures to show what the cost is of taking in a parent.

Other than LP, has anyone else had to be the guardian of an elderly parent here? :angel:
 
Good point. If you contribute more than 50% of your MIL's care you can take her as a dependent on your tax return.

Not necessarily, Andy. This is where it gets tricky. RB, you should contact a tax attorney or a CPA. Since your MIL has her own income and owns a home, she must file a tax return. If I recall correctly, she can't be claimed as a dependent on someone else's tax return while filing a personal exemption on her own tax return in the same year.
 
RB, your MIL is lucky to have such a wonderful and caring son-in-law. I wish you all the very best. :wub:

You sure can get a reduction on your electric bill because of her oxygen, and in some states, you can also get a reduction on your gas bill.

The social services department at your local hospital will have a complete list of services available to your MIL and to you as a caregiver. As someone else mentioned here, you do need to look into getting a power of attorney should the need arise, and also an advance directive. It's not a pleasant task to do, but it could save you tons of heartache and trouble.
 
Not necessarily, Andy. This is where it gets tricky. RB, you should contact a tax attorney or a CPA. Since your MIL has her own income and owns a home, she must file a tax return. If I recall correctly, she can't be claimed as a dependent on someone else's tax return while filing a personal exemption on her own tax return in the same year.


Cheryl, she's selling her house - see the first post.
 
I base my comments on my experience with my own mother. Of course she should pay for her living expenses. And it's shouldn't be any one business except those people sharing the house hold. My mother (my husband's mother-in-law) lived with us for 5 years. My husband expected nothing from her but she would have no part of being a charity case living off "her kids". My mother wanted to pay way too much but he wanted her to pay nothing. In the we came up with $350 a month since one of her monthly dividends was $350. She also wanted to tip the house keeper that came once week because the lady changed her sheets and cleaned mom's bathroom. Later I found out the "tip" was $40 a week on top of what I was paying. Actually you shouldn't have to ask for a "contribution". She should volunteer something and open negotiations. If I moved in with my kids, I would expect to pay something for my lodging and I would tell him so.
 
Cheryl, she's selling her house - see the first post.

I did read it, Andy...:wub: Some family members went through something similar several years ago. A dependent can only earn a certain amount per year - I think it's around $3500 or so. The sale of her house will put her income above that, so she'll have to file a return and pay taxes on that income. It's my understanding that she cannot be a qualifying dependent if her income exceeds that maximum amount. RB does need to see a professional, they can offer suggestions on where she can invest the $$ to reduce her taxable income. I could be wrong of course, just saying from experience with my own family members. :)
 
My only experience, thus far, is with how much it costs for long term care (too much). I would think that some inquiries into the cost of Assisted or Supervised living costs per month and go from there. That is what she would be paying if she didn't have family to live with. Also, why can't the parent live on their own anymore? What can they no longer do that necessitates living with supervision?

I also agree with Living Wills, Advance Directives and Durable Powers of Attorney should be decided well in advance of needing them.
 
My only experience, thus far, is with how much it costs for long term care (too much). I would think that some inquiries into the cost of Assisted or Supervised living costs per month and go from there. That is what she would be paying if she didn't have family to live with. Also, why can't the parent live on their own anymore? What can they no longer do that necessitates living with supervision?

I also agree with Living Wills, Advance Directives and Durable Powers of Attorney should be decided well in advance of needing them.

When my Mother died three years ago she was paying $4,165.00/month in an assisted living facility and that did not include anything beyond housekeeping, food and toilet paper. That was pretty much the standard rate in our area for one room with a bath. She spent an additional $350.00 - $400.00 per month for extras like a telephone, cable television, snacks, toiletries etc...

It will definitely be cheaper if you can all live together and form a sort of cooperative.
 
When my Mother died three years ago she was paying $4,165.00/month in an assisted living facility and that did not include anything beyond housekeeping, food and toilet paper. That was pretty much the standard rate in our area for one room with a bath. She spent an additional $350.00 - $400.00 per month for extras like a telephone, cable television, snacks, toiletries etc...

It will definitely be cheaper if you can all live together and form a sort of cooperative.

I didn't mean that she should pay what is charged at an Assisted Living, but it should be the ceiling and go down from there. It matters if the family is still making mortgage payments, still have children in the house or if the elder does need some type of supervision. Does someone have to quit a job to stay home or is the Elder going to be watching kids? All of this plays into expenses.

Most counties have Aging Services or some such and Home Health Care. Home Health Care can be paid by Medicare or Medicaid, depending on the need. I suggest, do not pay for any healthcare needs out of pocket until all avenues of Medicare/Medicaid/Insurance/Senior Discounts have been followed.

My place is a last resort...I wish we, as a society, didn't need people like me.
 
My mother has been living with me for the past 2 years. She is in pretty good health, so I don't feel like a caregiver very often, thank heavens!

She gives me $500 a month for her share of food, utilities and such. I don't know if that really covers the extra expense of keeping the house warmer all winter, but it helps.
 
I wish I had a button to push under each post as all of you have been much help to me.

I also thought about the tax deduction. We have not had a Dependant in years.

I will talk with my wife first chance i get and see what her opinion is. After all, she does everything around here and now this extra work. Its only been 4 days and my wife looks exhausted already. Hopefully she will calm down and take care of herself!
I am very lucky to have my wife. I am even more lucky my MIL and I get along very well.

Thanks everyone. I will keep y'all posted.
 

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