Mother-in-law

[Kayelle]

Phew!! Llike Taxi, I'm very glad she brought up the subject! This means that half your problem is over, and it's not as bad as I had imagined.

 

[Cheryl J]

Another one who's glad to hear that she brought it up first, RB. That must be a huge relief to you and Mrs. RB. Continued best wishes for you all.

 

[Addie]

Okay. Now that the financial problem has been addressed by your MIL, the next thing to address, is "Living in Harmony." Have you wife go around the house with her mother to address her needs. Assign a spot in the bathroom for her to keep her toiletries. No one else can use those. And she can't use yours. A place in the kitchen cabinet for foods that she likes that she will buy with her own money for snacking while watching TV or just late at night. How large a dresser does she think she will need for her personal clothing. Where will she store her memories that she wishes to keep. And she will want to bring little dodads that hold memories for her. I would suggest a large dresser with a mirror. If she is a reader, a small bookcase to hold her books that she treasures. That can either go in your LR or her BR. Give her a comfortable chair to sit in, in her room with a reading lamp.

Make sure she is part of all decision making that affects her. How much housework is she capable of doing and does she want to do any other than in her bedroom. Remember, for both you and your wife, that is HER bedroom and a private place that is off limits to you and your wife. Always knock before you enter. Wait for a response from her.

Next the TV. Her taste in programs may differ widely from yours. A TV in her room or not. Will it involve extra cost a month for a box for cable? Andy gave you some great advice about settling on a final cost of her staying with you.

The Kitchen - Does she have special foods and snacks she likes? Can she help in the kitchen or cook a meal about once a week for the three of you. This is an area for your wife to explore with her mother. Some women do not like anyone in their kitchen. Others welcome the help. After dinner cleanup. Can she help?

Since you are both of retirement age, she is most likely 20 years older than the both of you. She tires more easily and gets colder very quickly. She may not be up to helping with housework every day. Just making her bed can be a chore for her. And some days, she may not even want to get out of bed. But at mealtimes, she has to come to the table to eat. Other than being sick.

 

[Aunt Bea]

I agree with Addie about a loose plan for "Living in Harmony".

For my two cents I would add!

Each person needs a quiet private space or corner to indulge themselves away from the others. Just because you live together doesn't mean you need to be together.

Be polite to each other and be neat in the common areas. We tend to treat strangers better than we treat the people we live with.

Get out of the house for a few hours everyday, if possible, get some fresh air and fresh news. Absence makes the heart grow fonder!

Things will fall into place after the "Honeymoon" period when everyone relaxes and your MIL is no longer a guest!

Good luck!

 

[Roll_Bones]

I'm glad to read that your MIL brought it up.

Me too!

Phew!! Llike Taxi, I'm very glad she brought up the subject! This means that half your problem is over, and it's not as bad as I had imagined.

Yes, I feel much better now!

Another one who's glad to hear that she brought it up first, RB. That must be a huge relief to you and Mrs. RB. Continued best wishes for you all.

Thanks

Okay. Now that the financial problem has been addressed by your MIL, the next thing to address, is "Living in Harmony." Have you wife go around the house with her mother to address her needs. Assign a spot in the bathroom for her to keep her toiletries. No one else can use those. And she can't use yours. A place in the kitchen cabinet for foods that she likes that she will buy with her own money for snacking while watching TV or just late at night. How large a dresser does she think she will need for her personal clothing. Where will she store her memories that she wishes to keep. And she will want to bring little dodads that hold memories for her. I would suggest a large dresser with a mirror. If she is a reader, a small bookcase to hold her books that she treasures. That can either go in your LR or her BR. Give her a comfortable chair to sit in, in her room with a reading lamp.

Make sure she is part of all decision making that affects her. How much housework is she capable of doing and does she want to do any other than in her bedroom. Remember, for both you and your wife, that is HER bedroom and a private place that is off limits to you and your wife. Always knock before you enter. Wait for a response from her.

Next the TV. Her taste in programs may differ widely from yours. A TV in her room or not. Will it involve extra cost a month for a box for cable? Andy gave you some great advice about settling on a final cost of her staying with you.

The Kitchen - Does she have special foods and snacks she likes? Can she help in the kitchen or cook a meal about once a week for the three of you. This is an area for your wife to explore with her mother. Some women do not like anyone in their kitchen. Others welcome the help. After dinner cleanup. Can she help?

Since you are both of retirement age, she is most likely 20 years older than the both of you. She tires more easily and gets colder very quickly. She may not be up to helping with housework every day. Just making her bed can be a chore for her. And some days, she may not even want to get out of bed. But at mealtimes, she has to come to the table to eat. Other than being sick.

Yes, she already has her own room and my wife and her share a bathroom and I have my own bathroom next to my office. My wife could use my bath as hers if required. They (MIL and wife) have been working together to get her settled in. I asked her about her own satellite receiver yesterday and she is not sure yet. So yes, she will have as much privacy and she can and do as she pleases. So far she eats what we eat and that is a big help.
She is also helping my wife as much as possible. We are also encouraging her to get a cell phone. We can put her on our plan.
So far so good. Thanks for the suggestions.

I agree with Addie about a loose plan for "Living in Harmony".

For my two cents I would add!

Each person needs a quiet private space or corner to indulge themselves away from the others. Just because you live together doesn't mean you need to be together.

Be polite to each other and be neat in the common areas. We tend to treat strangers better than we treat the people we live with.

Get out of the house for a few hours everyday, if possible, get some fresh air and fresh news. Absence makes the heart grow fonder!

Things will fall into place after the "Honeymoon" period when everyone relaxes and your MIL is no longer a guest!

Good luck!

Thanks and I agree with everything you said.

 

[Roll_Bones]

Update:

Had the discussion yesterday and it went very well. Her contribution will be/should be enough to cover everything and even a bit more!
I also had her very own satellite receiver (TV) installed this week. She wrote me a check on the spot for any extra cost.

I wish I had not used frugal and cheap in earlier comments as it turns out she is neither. At least not anymore.
All is well and looking promising in the future.
Thanks everyone for the advice. It helped me very much.

 

[Katie H]

Update:

Had the discussion yesterday and it went very well. Her contribution will be/should be enough to cover everything and even a bit more!
I also had her very own satellite receiver (TV) installed this week. She wrote me a check on the spot for any extra cost.

I wish I had not used frugal and cheap in earlier comments as it turns out she is neither. At least not anymore.
All is well and looking promising in the future.
Thanks everyone for the advice. It helped me very much.

Nothing wrong with being frugal/cheap. It may have been that she was concerned about how long her funds would last. I recall being very frightened about finances when Buck died.

By today's standards I was youngish, not even 60, which meant that I had the potential to live many more years. I became almost paranoid about where every penny went. I have always been very frugal but, at that time, I made frugal look extravagant.

Glad everything turned out well. This should make the transition much smoother and the remaining time more comfortable for all.

 

[Kayelle]

Thanks for following this up with us RB, it's always nice to hear a conclusion. You're MIL is lucky to have a guy like you in her life, and bless you for being the man any MIL would be happy to call a son.

 

[taxlady]

Thanks for following this up with us RB, it's always nice to hear a conclusion. You're MIL is lucky to have a guy like you in her life, and bless you for being the man any MIL would be happy to call a son.

What Kayelle said.

 

[Aunt Bea]

Great news!

Now, does your MIL have any secret recipes we should know about?

Now is the time to get them down on paper for future generations!

I wish I still had a chance to ask my Mom a few questions about some of her recipes.

 

[Andy M.]

Update:

Had the discussion yesterday and it went very well. Her contribution will be/should be enough to cover everything and even a bit more!
I also had her very own satellite receiver (TV) installed this week. She wrote me a check on the spot for any extra cost.

I wish I had not used frugal and cheap in earlier comments as it turns out she is neither. At least not anymore.
All is well and looking promising in the future.
Thanks everyone for the advice. It helped me very much.

That has to be a load off your mind. I'm glad it went well. You need not feel guilty about your thoughts. They are what experience told you. It's always a sensitive area.

 

[Cooking Goddess]

Sounds like things went the best way possible for you. It's difficult to discuss money in any situation. Glad to hear it's all worked out smoothly for you R_B.

Nothing wrong with being frugal/cheap. It may have been that she was concerned about how long her funds would last. I recall being very frightened about finances when Buck died...

You don't even have to be widowed to think this way Katie, just getting old enough to see retirement on the horizon and wondering if you need "just a little more" to make things comfy for the rest of your time. I don't hesitate to call myself "cheap" on occasion. At least I don't squeak when I walk. Yet.

 

[Aunt Bea]

Sounds like things went the best way possible for you. It's difficult to discuss money in any situation. Glad to hear it's all worked out smoothly for you R_B.


You don't even have to be widowed to think this way Katie, just getting old enough to see retirement on the horizon and wondering if you need "just a little more" to make things comfy for the rest of your time. I don't hesitate to call myself "cheap" on occasion. At least I don't squeak when I walk. Yet.

Retirement is just like starting a new career!

I tried to plan and plan as though it was a 30 year long vacation, nothing I planned for has happened!

Now I look at it as trying to cross the river by hopping from one stone to another. I try to look as far as I can and plan my next couple of moves, I just hope I don't fall in!

 

[Roll_Bones]

Thanks for following this up with us RB, it's always nice to hear a conclusion. You're MIL is lucky to have a guy like you in her life, and bless you for being the man any MIL would be happy to call a son.

Thanks. I appreciate those words.

Great news!

Now, does your MIL have any secret recipes we should know about?

Now is the time to get them down on paper for future generations!

I wish I still had a chance to ask my Mom a few questions about some of her recipes.

She was not a cook. And was known for not being one. At least not a very good one. She is very happy to let me do all the cooking.

That has to be a load off your mind. I'm glad it went well. You need not feel guilty about your thoughts. They are what experience told you. It's always a sensitive area.

Yes, my words were from years of experience. This goes back well before my FIL passed away. Also from stories of my wifes youth.
But I guess she realises what a great deal she is getting and is also very happy that she is paying her own way.

 

[dcSaute]

.... appreciate the "frugal and cheap" bit -

could be why she has the funds to cover what is now needed.

my brother spent everything, and more. if he made $1000, he spent $1500 figuring he'd always get more.

his widow is not so fortunate.

 

[taxlady]

.... appreciate the "frugal and cheap" bit -

could be why she has the funds to cover what is now needed.

my brother spent everything, and more. if he made $1000, he spent $1500 figuring he'd always get more.

his widow is not so fortunate.

My mother was a generous miser. She was frugal, so she could have the things and vacations that she thought were worthwhile and so she could be generous.

 

[Aunt Bea]

My mother was a generous miser. She was frugal, so she could have the things and vacations that she thought were worthwhile and so she could be generous.

I learned from my Grandmother to scrimp and save on the necessities so I could splurge on the luxuries, I enjoy living that way.

My Mother was more like dcSaute's Brother, as a child I found that to be a very stressful and insecure way to live.

I guess I grew up to be a "generous miser" too!

A little more bohemian, a little less bourgeois!

 

[CarolPa]

RB, I'm glad you got this worked out and that she was the one to bring it up. Makes you wonder if she's been reading DC! LOL

It seems my husband is intent on dying penniless. I am the complete opposite. I guess we balance each other. Any time we go out to eat with others, he grabs that check before it even hits the table, even if we have paid the past 5 times. No wonder people like to go out with us. LOL I am very frugal....always looking for a way to save a penny.

 

[Dawgluver]

It seems my husband is intent on dying penniless. I am the complete opposite. I guess we balance each other. Any time we go out to eat with others, he grabs that check before it even hits the table, even if we have paid the past 5 times. No wonder people like to go out with us. LOL I am very frugal....always looking for a way to save a penny.

I hear ya, Carol. DH does the same thing, grabbing the check. We're very popular too. Apparently everyone else is broke.

 

[Kayelle]

I want to go to dinner with Carol and Dawg and see who of our three husbands is quicker! When I go to lunch with my Tues. Lunch Bunch of women, we ask for separate checks.

There's a thoughtful commercial on tv right now with two couples at dinner. The man of the younger couple grabs the check and the older man doesn't want him to pay because he's worried about him having enough money for his future. The younger man is worried about the older man having enough money to last him. They are father and son. It's about planning for the future.