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Old 03-04-2013, 08:47 AM   #11
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Personally I would say that voicing how you feel is best. Keeping all that anger inside is not good for anyone. Sorting things out helps you move past it and let go.

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Old 03-04-2013, 08:55 AM   #12
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Your mother is not going to change her ways nor is she going to apologize for the hurt she's caused you. Forgive her and move on. It is not worth the confrontation. She will not change. You, however, can change how you interact with her and how much interaction you have with her. Distance sometimes is a wonderful salve for past hurts. Let it go. It could've been worse--she could have taken them and sold them to pay gambling debts or other such things. She gave them to family members. Perhaps she had some odd sense that she had the right to do that, regardless, what is done is done. Asking for them back will cause more hurt feelings and you most likely will not get your mother to say she's sorry for the things she has done that have hurt you. Be the stronger person and let it go. What is done is done. We cannot go back and change the past, we can only live in the here and now and learn from past hurts, mistakes, choices.

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Old 03-04-2013, 09:20 AM   #13
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Originally Posted by pacanis View Post
Silver dollars... the gift that keeps on giving
I was expecting to read one of the kids taking them, but this is bizzare.

Depending on how much you want to confront your mother and how much you simply want to let her know that you know... maybe give her a chance to admit guilt herself... Why don't you strike up a conversation with her and tell her you think your daughter took the silver dollars out of your jewlery box that her father gave you? That'll make her think. Too bad you can't do it in person to watch her face.
I think stealing your stuff to give to your children sucks big time. But, on the positive side, you didn't miss the stuff for a long time.

I like the suggestion of finding out how she reacts to someone else getting the blame for something she did. You know she will lie if you just out and out confront her. But, if you can find a way to ask this, I think it would be great. I wouldn't say that you think it is your daughter, because you don't and you don't want to start lying to her - she'll twist it. Maybe something like, "Do you think it could have been ______ (daughter's name) who took them? She has them now and claims you gave them to her."

Then you can be satisfied that it is out in the open and not festering and then it's easier to let it go.

I lived thousands of miles from my mother (intentionally - we got along better that way) for most of my adult life. We had issues. I found that when she got really old, there would be rare moments of openness on her part, when she could see the things she had done/said from someone else's point of view and explain and apologize. Unless she has a moment like that, I wouldn't go straight at this topic with her.
May you live as long as you wish and love as long as you live.
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Old 03-04-2013, 09:35 AM   #14
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If you confront her, she will deny it. This will only frustrate you more.

I'd cut off all contact with her. Also make sure your daughter (and any other family) knows what happened so they can be aware as well. Otherwise, your family will wonder why you're "being so mean" to grammy.
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Old 03-04-2013, 11:30 AM   #15
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I would have kept anything of value under lock & key, or in a safety deposit box. Since you didn't keep track, it sounds like he said, she said. Perhaps she felt some sense of entitlement, which doesn't make it right. You know your mom best.

I had a tough childhood w/ my mother. I moved thousands of miles away, for my own reasons (career etc.). When I was in my 30's (& she was in her 50s), I asked her (on the phone), why she did the things she did when I was growing up. The answer was, she couldn't go back all those years.

You may not get the answers/responses you had hoped for, but at least you will have made an attempt to try to understand why, listen to her side, & try to salvage the relationship - if that is what you want to do.

P.S. My mom has been gone for several years now, & I have no regrets. I live my life the way I choose, & I said everything I needed to say to her.
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Old 03-04-2013, 12:34 PM   #16
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I'd probably tell the who story to daughter but leave the mother out of it, I mean not confront her, but make sure she doesn't come to your house anymore.
You are what you eat.
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Old 03-04-2013, 02:01 PM   #17
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Oh Medtran! What a sad tale. And so many different ideas and options for you to look at. Mother's and daughters are often a volatile mix and this sounds more volatile than most.

You know she has stolen from you in the past, and while you don't have conclusive evidence this time, the circumstantial evidence seems solid. May I ask you to think about a few things?

1. Do you mind if your daughter has those coins? Do you want them back? (If you want them back you will have to proceed in one direction, if not, then the ignore option is still open)
2. What is your ultimate goal here? That's a tough question, I know. Do you want to maintain ANY kind of relationship with your mother? How willing are you to be firm with your boundaries if you do want some connection?
3. Is the issue actually the coins or is it the way your mother treats you?

Just because someone is likely to lie to you is no reason not to address an issue. (I get lied to several times a day by the kids I work with, never stops me addressing things!) It sounds like you are pretty sure what the truth is here. What will it serve to confront her about this? Will you feel better if she admits her culpability or if she lies? What you need to decide is what will make YOU feel better. If you will feel better in your own heart asking her about it, then do so. Walk yourself through all the possible outcomes before you make the call.

You don't need to be nasty, or confrontational at all. You DO need to be firm about what your boundaries are in your relationship with your Mom. Since she lives far away, I'm guessing she stays with you when she visits? This may need to be the first thing you address. If you don't trust her in your home, then she should not BE in your home. If she asks why, you have valid reasons to share with her at that point.

May I suggest you write out a few things on a cheat sheet to have in front of you when/if you call her? Sometimes it helps to have something to look at so that when things get emotionally charged you can refocus. Remember too, she will try to redirect things and deflect them, don't let yourself lose focus. Acknowledge, but then bring the focus of your conversation back to your points.

PM me if you like, and know that I've been there. My relationship with my mother has not been as toxic as yours, but we've definitely had our ups and downs. I'm thinking of you and sending you as much strength, courage as I can. You're a classy lady and you don't deserve to be treated badly. *hug*
You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it. Robin Williams
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Old 03-04-2013, 06:54 PM   #18
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I can only say what I think I would do Medtrain.

1. I'd tell my daughter how she came to have those coins and tell her that I want her to have them, regardless of her grandmother being a thief.

2. I'd sit down and type out a very long and detailed letter to my mother telling her everything I feel and why.

3. Then I'd delete the letter and get on with my life.

The greatest revenge is being the kind of person your mother is not!
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but rather by the moments that take our breath away.

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Old 03-04-2013, 08:11 PM   #19
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I agree with Kayelle. Your daughter needs to know, but confronting your mother will do nothing but get you even more upset. You don't need that extra stress.

A letter that you don't mail works too. You relieve a lot of stress by getting your feelings out. Plus, we're always here for emotional support.

The Venting thread has been a great help to me during some sticky situations, and I always feel better after posting about them here.

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Old 03-06-2013, 06:18 AM   #20
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Thanks guys. I've pretty much thought about all the scenarios mentioned and still haven't decided what to do for sure. I never really cared about her taking the things that were bought for DD as a baby or child or the family heirloom type things that I was just simply keeping until she got settled with her own family (which she hadn't at the time mother took them and gave them to her) other than the obvious trust issues her taking them caused, which just further damaged our relationship. I only hit the "high" points of things she's done over the years.

The coins, however, were given to me personally and it really bothers me. Doesn't matter that I have no idea how long they've been gone. They were in a built-in hidden drawer that a random burgler in a hurry to get in/out would never find and only 4 people knew about, mother being 1 of those 4, me, hubs and DD the other 3.

As I wrote, she can't visit anymore, is in her 80s and has a lot of health problems. And, after this, I don't know if I'll go to her. Depends on how our next conversation goes. I'm leaning toward casually mentioning they are gone to see what she says, then dropping the bomb of knowing DD has them and says she gave them to her if she says she knows nothing about their whereabouts. So, I'll give her the chance to come clean and go from there. Not going to get loud or angry with her, just let her know that I know what she's done again.

Thanks again for all your support, advice, opinions.

ETA: Oh, DD does know. We talked yesterday because mother called even though we had spoken recently so I called DD before calling mother back to see if she had said something about the coins. DD was curious why I asked her so told her. Turned out mother was calling for something else.

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