Need some objective advice

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medtran49

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Long story but I'll try to make it as short as possible. For several years in the early 70s my grandfather gave us g-kids silver dollars at X-mas. Just recently, I was looking thru my jewelry drawer where those coins, as well as some others are stored. The silver dollars were gone, as well as probably some Kennedy half-dollars since I should have one from every year and don't. From what I remember that I should have, everything else seems to be there.

I very rarely wear jewlery and when I do it's usually just my wedding ring and a bracelet, which are kept in a box downstairs for easy, quick access. I was in my jewelry drawer because I wanted to return a necklace I had borrowed from my daughter several years ago and kept forgetting to return. She had forgotten I even had it but we were talking recently about Italy because of a thread on here (it's a cameo I got there for me but eventually gave to her) and it reminded us I had it. She lives far enough away that I only see her and the grandkids about once a month and I went over there this past weekend so wanted to make sure I gave it back to her before we forgot again.

I suspect my mother took the coins. She has taken things from my home before, family keepsake type things. I know this because my daughter has told me they were given to her because my mother explained to her that I couldn't be trusted to keep them basically.

Now, some background. My mother was extremely helpful when I was left to be a single parent at very young age for my daughter because her father was a piece of work. I'll give her that. Don't know what I would have done without her. However, when I started gaining some independence, we had problems. In fact, at one point, she actually kidnapped and took off with my daughter. I had to threaten to call the police and report her for kidnapping before she brought her back. My mother didn't see her for a long time without me being present after that.
Then, I met my current husband. He had never been around children and in trying to get my daughter to like him, he was giving her presents and money behind my back. My mother found out and made inferences to other people, NOT ME, that he was molesting my daughter, one of those people being a police officer's wife. Thankfully, she promptly called me instead of the authorities. I talked to my daughter and confirmed nothing was going on (as did my friend separately since she had to be sure) then talked to my boyfriend about appropriate interaction with your girlfriend's child. When I confronted my mother, she said the other people were lying and she never said that. When I asked her what reason they would have to say such things about her, she couldn't come up with an answer just kept saying they were lying. Needless to say, my husband can't stand my mother and wants nothing to do with her to this day, 20+ years later.

My mother is the type of person that as long as I'm doing things her way, she's fine with everything. But if it's not her way, then I can't do anything right. She's always been like that as far back as I can remember and now she's doing the same thing with my daughter. She doesn't like her husband either but at least she couldn't accuse him of child molestation because he's the father of both grandkids and the kids weren't around when the 2 of them got together.

One of my grandkids is the apple of my mother's eye, the other pretty much can't do anything right. She also rags on my daughter about the g-grandkids like she used to rag on me about my daughter.

I asked my daughter if her gram had ever mentioned any silver dollars. My daughter has them. It seems her gram gave some to her and the girls without saying where she got them. As far as my daughter knows, they were purchased by her gram. I suspect those silver dollars are the ones my grand-dad gave me as the dates are right on the coins. They aren't mint condition but pretty darn close to it, like they would be if they'd been in the same jewelry drawer for 10+ years and stored away elsewhere before and since that.

Considering the fact that my mother has definitely stolen other things from me, I have to assume that the silver dollars given to my daughter are also mine. I'm really upset about this. It's not the monetary value, it's the principal of it. I also now have to wonder what else she's taken over the years that either I never missed or else assumed was simply lost. I never confronted her about the other things my daughter has because they were either hers as a baby that I was just simply keeping and/or they were things she would have gotten eventually anyway. A big part of me wants to confront my mother about all of this. I am positive those coins are mine and it really bothers me that my mother took something from me that my grandfather gave me. Granted, I probably still wouldn't know they were missing unless I had taken the time to sit down and look thru stuff when I got my daughter's necklace out and it has been years since I went thru all those coins but it just bothers me.

Mother isn't in my house any longer as she lives very far away and can't travel that distance anymore so theft is no longer an issue. I just don't know whether it's worth confronting her or not because she'll probably lie again. I need objective opinions because I don't want to put my daughter in the middle and my husband is ticked off to say the least.
 
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Silver dollars... the gift that keeps on giving ;)
I was expecting to read one of the kids taking them, but this is bizzare.

Depending on how much you want to confront your mother and how much you simply want to let her know that you know... maybe give her a chance to admit guilt herself... Why don't you strike up a conversation with her and tell her you think your daughter took the silver dollars out of your jewlery box that her father gave you? That'll make her think. Too bad you can't do it in person to watch her face.
 
Sorry to say it, but it sounds like mom has some issues. You're obviously a very loving and forgiving person, because if she were my mother, I would have completely written her out of my life after the kidnapping incident.
 
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I agree with Steve and Pac. Just because she's your mom doesn't mean she can help herself to whatever she wants in your home or kidnap your Daughter!!!

I say confront her but be civil about it and don't drag your daughter into it unless you ask her permission first.

I've had a few issues of my own with my Mom and I'm glad I confronted her before it ruined our relationship.
 
I think you must decide for yourself whether a confrontation would give you any satisfaction -- she is not likely to change her ways, and you may have hit the nail on the head when you asked if it's worth it. To me, it would not be worth it to stir the whole thing up. I would just be glad she's moved out of range for causing more mischief, and keep these "suspicions confirmed" in mind whenever interacting with her. A word to others in the family would not be out of order, in my opinion. Very sad situation, but what's done is done -- let go of it if you can.
 
Kidnapping?! :huh:

I'd say it depends how old she is, too.
I'd probably let it go if she is in her eighties or so.
 
Repressed anger can be as bad for you as high levels of stress. Consider writing a letter to your mother about the things she has done or you suspect she has done - not to send, but to get your feelings out. You can be really honest that way.

I'm sorry you're having to go through this. Take care.
 
Let it go. As you said, she will lie and deny it. So more hard feelings would only add to the ones you already have. Consider it a lesson learned and rent a safe deposit box at your bank. It only costs about $350-$40 a year. Well worth the cost for peace of mind. Put your daughter's name on it. In the event of your death, it won't be sealed and permission by a court to open it won't be needed. She can open it immediately.

I would suggest that you break all ties with your mother. That is a hard thing to do. My middle son is a recovering drug addict. For the first five years he was straight, he was not allowed in anyone's home. Not even for holidays. No one called him or had any contact with him. And he was living in the same town as the family. Your mother lives her life as a troublemaker. Do you really need that in your life? Have you had enough yet? Common sense should tell you what you have to do. Good luck. :angel:
 
I can only speak for myself so this isn't advice, just an opinion. I would probably just let it go. I don't think you are going to get what you want out of any sort of confrontation. It's probably not worth the upset, and dealing with any sort of aftermath. Depending on how it goes, you may end up with feelings of remorse and guilt that could haunt you forever. Take the high road.
When we forgive we put down a burden that only we carry. So, you would be doing yourself a favor by deciding that your mom has issues, and it wasn't personal. It was a case of her not dealing well with the problems in her own life.

Good luck..
 
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Personally I would say that voicing how you feel is best. Keeping all that anger inside is not good for anyone. Sorting things out helps you move past it and let go.
 
Your mother is not going to change her ways nor is she going to apologize for the hurt she's caused you. Forgive her and move on. It is not worth the confrontation. She will not change. You, however, can change how you interact with her and how much interaction you have with her. Distance sometimes is a wonderful salve for past hurts. Let it go. It could've been worse--she could have taken them and sold them to pay gambling debts or other such things. She gave them to family members. Perhaps she had some odd sense that she had the right to do that, regardless, what is done is done. Asking for them back will cause more hurt feelings and you most likely will not get your mother to say she's sorry for the things she has done that have hurt you. Be the stronger person and let it go. What is done is done. We cannot go back and change the past, we can only live in the here and now and learn from past hurts, mistakes, choices.
 
Silver dollars... the gift that keeps on giving ;)
I was expecting to read one of the kids taking them, but this is bizzare.

Depending on how much you want to confront your mother and how much you simply want to let her know that you know... maybe give her a chance to admit guilt herself... Why don't you strike up a conversation with her and tell her you think your daughter took the silver dollars out of your jewlery box that her father gave you? That'll make her think. Too bad you can't do it in person to watch her face.
I think stealing your stuff to give to your children sucks big time. But, on the positive side, you didn't miss the stuff for a long time. :rolleyes:

I like the suggestion of finding out how she reacts to someone else getting the blame for something she did. You know she will lie if you just out and out confront her. But, if you can find a way to ask this, I think it would be great. I wouldn't say that you think it is your daughter, because you don't and you don't want to start lying to her - she'll twist it. Maybe something like, "Do you think it could have been ______ (daughter's name) who took them? She has them now and claims you gave them to her."

Then you can be satisfied that it is out in the open and not festering and then it's easier to let it go.

I lived thousands of miles from my mother (intentionally - we got along better that way) for most of my adult life. We had issues. I found that when she got really old, there would be rare moments of openness on her part, when she could see the things she had done/said from someone else's point of view and explain and apologize. Unless she has a moment like that, I wouldn't go straight at this topic with her.
 
If you confront her, she will deny it. This will only frustrate you more.

I'd cut off all contact with her. Also make sure your daughter (and any other family) knows what happened so they can be aware as well. Otherwise, your family will wonder why you're "being so mean" to grammy.
 
I would have kept anything of value under lock & key, or in a safety deposit box. Since you didn't keep track, it sounds like he said, she said. Perhaps she felt some sense of entitlement, which doesn't make it right. You know your mom best.

I had a tough childhood w/ my mother. I moved thousands of miles away, for my own reasons (career etc.). When I was in my 30's (& she was in her 50s), I asked her (on the phone), why she did the things she did when I was growing up. The answer was, she couldn't go back all those years.

You may not get the answers/responses you had hoped for, but at least you will have made an attempt to try to understand why, listen to her side, & try to salvage the relationship - if that is what you want to do.

P.S. My mom has been gone for several years now, & I have no regrets. I live my life the way I choose, & I said everything I needed to say to her.
 
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I'd probably tell the who story to daughter but leave the mother out of it, I mean not confront her, but make sure she doesn't come to your house anymore.
 
Oh Medtran! What a sad tale. And so many different ideas and options for you to look at. Mother's and daughters are often a volatile mix and this sounds more volatile than most.

You know she has stolen from you in the past, and while you don't have conclusive evidence this time, the circumstantial evidence seems solid. May I ask you to think about a few things?

1. Do you mind if your daughter has those coins? Do you want them back? (If you want them back you will have to proceed in one direction, if not, then the ignore option is still open)
2. What is your ultimate goal here? That's a tough question, I know. Do you want to maintain ANY kind of relationship with your mother? How willing are you to be firm with your boundaries if you do want some connection?
3. Is the issue actually the coins or is it the way your mother treats you?

Just because someone is likely to lie to you is no reason not to address an issue. (I get lied to several times a day by the kids I work with, never stops me addressing things!) It sounds like you are pretty sure what the truth is here. What will it serve to confront her about this? Will you feel better if she admits her culpability or if she lies? What you need to decide is what will make YOU feel better. If you will feel better in your own heart asking her about it, then do so. Walk yourself through all the possible outcomes before you make the call.

You don't need to be nasty, or confrontational at all. You DO need to be firm about what your boundaries are in your relationship with your Mom. Since she lives far away, I'm guessing she stays with you when she visits? This may need to be the first thing you address. If you don't trust her in your home, then she should not BE in your home. If she asks why, you have valid reasons to share with her at that point.

May I suggest you write out a few things on a cheat sheet to have in front of you when/if you call her? Sometimes it helps to have something to look at so that when things get emotionally charged you can refocus. Remember too, she will try to redirect things and deflect them, don't let yourself lose focus. Acknowledge, but then bring the focus of your conversation back to your points.

PM me if you like, and know that I've been there. My relationship with my mother has not been as toxic as yours, but we've definitely had our ups and downs. I'm thinking of you and sending you as much strength, courage as I can. You're a classy lady and you don't deserve to be treated badly. *hug*
 
I can only say what I think I would do Medtrain.

1. I'd tell my daughter how she came to have those coins and tell her that I want her to have them, regardless of her grandmother being a thief.

2. I'd sit down and type out a very long and detailed letter to my mother telling her everything I feel and why.

3. Then I'd delete the letter and get on with my life.

The greatest revenge is being the kind of person your mother is not!
 
I agree with Kayelle. Your daughter needs to know, but confronting your mother will do nothing but get you even more upset. You don't need that extra stress.

A letter that you don't mail works too. You relieve a lot of stress by getting your feelings out. Plus, we're always here for emotional support.

The Venting thread has been a great help to me during some sticky situations, and I always feel better after posting about them here.
 
Thanks guys. I've pretty much thought about all the scenarios mentioned and still haven't decided what to do for sure. I never really cared about her taking the things that were bought for DD as a baby or child or the family heirloom type things that I was just simply keeping until she got settled with her own family (which she hadn't at the time mother took them and gave them to her) other than the obvious trust issues her taking them caused, which just further damaged our relationship. I only hit the "high" points of things she's done over the years.

The coins, however, were given to me personally and it really bothers me. Doesn't matter that I have no idea how long they've been gone. They were in a built-in hidden drawer that a random burgler in a hurry to get in/out would never find and only 4 people knew about, mother being 1 of those 4, me, hubs and DD the other 3.

As I wrote, she can't visit anymore, is in her 80s and has a lot of health problems. And, after this, I don't know if I'll go to her. Depends on how our next conversation goes. I'm leaning toward casually mentioning they are gone to see what she says, then dropping the bomb of knowing DD has them and says she gave them to her if she says she knows nothing about their whereabouts. So, I'll give her the chance to come clean and go from there. Not going to get loud or angry with her, just let her know that I know what she's done again.

Thanks again for all your support, advice, opinions.

ETA: Oh, DD does know. We talked yesterday because mother called even though we had spoken recently so I called DD before calling mother back to see if she had said something about the coins. DD was curious why I asked her so told her. Turned out mother was calling for something else.
 
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