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Old 03-04-2013, 07:17 AM   #1
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Need some objective advice

Long story but I'll try to make it as short as possible. For several years in the early 70s my grandfather gave us g-kids silver dollars at X-mas. Just recently, I was looking thru my jewelry drawer where those coins, as well as some others are stored. The silver dollars were gone, as well as probably some Kennedy half-dollars since I should have one from every year and don't. From what I remember that I should have, everything else seems to be there.

I very rarely wear jewlery and when I do it's usually just my wedding ring and a bracelet, which are kept in a box downstairs for easy, quick access. I was in my jewelry drawer because I wanted to return a necklace I had borrowed from my daughter several years ago and kept forgetting to return. She had forgotten I even had it but we were talking recently about Italy because of a thread on here (it's a cameo I got there for me but eventually gave to her) and it reminded us I had it. She lives far enough away that I only see her and the grandkids about once a month and I went over there this past weekend so wanted to make sure I gave it back to her before we forgot again.

I suspect my mother took the coins. She has taken things from my home before, family keepsake type things. I know this because my daughter has told me they were given to her because my mother explained to her that I couldn't be trusted to keep them basically.

Now, some background. My mother was extremely helpful when I was left to be a single parent at very young age for my daughter because her father was a piece of work. I'll give her that. Don't know what I would have done without her. However, when I started gaining some independence, we had problems. In fact, at one point, she actually kidnapped and took off with my daughter. I had to threaten to call the police and report her for kidnapping before she brought her back. My mother didn't see her for a long time without me being present after that.
Then, I met my current husband. He had never been around children and in trying to get my daughter to like him, he was giving her presents and money behind my back. My mother found out and made inferences to other people, NOT ME, that he was molesting my daughter, one of those people being a police officer's wife. Thankfully, she promptly called me instead of the authorities. I talked to my daughter and confirmed nothing was going on (as did my friend separately since she had to be sure) then talked to my boyfriend about appropriate interaction with your girlfriend's child. When I confronted my mother, she said the other people were lying and she never said that. When I asked her what reason they would have to say such things about her, she couldn't come up with an answer just kept saying they were lying. Needless to say, my husband can't stand my mother and wants nothing to do with her to this day, 20+ years later.

My mother is the type of person that as long as I'm doing things her way, she's fine with everything. But if it's not her way, then I can't do anything right. She's always been like that as far back as I can remember and now she's doing the same thing with my daughter. She doesn't like her husband either but at least she couldn't accuse him of child molestation because he's the father of both grandkids and the kids weren't around when the 2 of them got together.

One of my grandkids is the apple of my mother's eye, the other pretty much can't do anything right. She also rags on my daughter about the g-grandkids like she used to rag on me about my daughter.

I asked my daughter if her gram had ever mentioned any silver dollars. My daughter has them. It seems her gram gave some to her and the girls without saying where she got them. As far as my daughter knows, they were purchased by her gram. I suspect those silver dollars are the ones my grand-dad gave me as the dates are right on the coins. They aren't mint condition but pretty darn close to it, like they would be if they'd been in the same jewelry drawer for 10+ years and stored away elsewhere before and since that.

Considering the fact that my mother has definitely stolen other things from me, I have to assume that the silver dollars given to my daughter are also mine. I'm really upset about this. It's not the monetary value, it's the principal of it. I also now have to wonder what else she's taken over the years that either I never missed or else assumed was simply lost. I never confronted her about the other things my daughter has because they were either hers as a baby that I was just simply keeping and/or they were things she would have gotten eventually anyway. A big part of me wants to confront my mother about all of this. I am positive those coins are mine and it really bothers me that my mother took something from me that my grandfather gave me. Granted, I probably still wouldn't know they were missing unless I had taken the time to sit down and look thru stuff when I got my daughter's necklace out and it has been years since I went thru all those coins but it just bothers me.

Mother isn't in my house any longer as she lives very far away and can't travel that distance anymore so theft is no longer an issue. I just don't know whether it's worth confronting her or not because she'll probably lie again. I need objective opinions because I don't want to put my daughter in the middle and my husband is ticked off to say the least.

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Old 03-04-2013, 08:15 AM   #2
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Silver dollars... the gift that keeps on giving
I was expecting to read one of the kids taking them, but this is bizzare.

Depending on how much you want to confront your mother and how much you simply want to let her know that you know... maybe give her a chance to admit guilt herself... Why don't you strike up a conversation with her and tell her you think your daughter took the silver dollars out of your jewlery box that her father gave you? That'll make her think. Too bad you can't do it in person to watch her face.
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Old 03-04-2013, 08:21 AM   #3
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Sorry to say it, but it sounds like mom has some issues. You're obviously a very loving and forgiving person, because if she were my mother, I would have completely written her out of my life after the kidnapping incident.
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Old 03-04-2013, 08:30 AM   #4
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I would let it go.

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Old 03-04-2013, 08:43 AM   #5
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I agree with Steve and Pac. Just because she's your mom doesn't mean she can help herself to whatever she wants in your home or kidnap your Daughter!!!

I say confront her but be civil about it and don't drag your daughter into it unless you ask her permission first.

I've had a few issues of my own with my Mom and I'm glad I confronted her before it ruined our relationship.
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Old 03-04-2013, 08:45 AM   #6
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I think you must decide for yourself whether a confrontation would give you any satisfaction -- she is not likely to change her ways, and you may have hit the nail on the head when you asked if it's worth it. To me, it would not be worth it to stir the whole thing up. I would just be glad she's moved out of range for causing more mischief, and keep these "suspicions confirmed" in mind whenever interacting with her. A word to others in the family would not be out of order, in my opinion. Very sad situation, but what's done is done -- let go of it if you can.
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Old 03-04-2013, 08:48 AM   #7
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Kidnapping?!

I'd say it depends how old she is, too.
I'd probably let it go if she is in her eighties or so.
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Old 03-04-2013, 08:59 AM   #8
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Repressed anger can be as bad for you as high levels of stress. Consider writing a letter to your mother about the things she has done or you suspect she has done - not to send, but to get your feelings out. You can be really honest that way.

I'm sorry you're having to go through this. Take care.
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Old 03-04-2013, 09:10 AM   #9
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Let it go. As you said, she will lie and deny it. So more hard feelings would only add to the ones you already have. Consider it a lesson learned and rent a safe deposit box at your bank. It only costs about $350-$40 a year. Well worth the cost for peace of mind. Put your daughter's name on it. In the event of your death, it won't be sealed and permission by a court to open it won't be needed. She can open it immediately.

I would suggest that you break all ties with your mother. That is a hard thing to do. My middle son is a recovering drug addict. For the first five years he was straight, he was not allowed in anyone's home. Not even for holidays. No one called him or had any contact with him. And he was living in the same town as the family. Your mother lives her life as a troublemaker. Do you really need that in your life? Have you had enough yet? Common sense should tell you what you have to do. Good luck.
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Old 03-04-2013, 09:17 AM   #10
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I can only speak for myself so this isn't advice, just an opinion. I would probably just let it go. I don't think you are going to get what you want out of any sort of confrontation. It's probably not worth the upset, and dealing with any sort of aftermath. Depending on how it goes, you may end up with feelings of remorse and guilt that could haunt you forever. Take the high road.
When we forgive we put down a burden that only we carry. So, you would be doing yourself a favor by deciding that your mom has issues, and it wasn't personal. It was a case of her not dealing well with the problems in her own life.

Good luck..
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