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Old 12-19-2006, 05:00 PM   #1
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Not only that..but the muscle is shortening!

Okay, let me fill you in....I'm 44. About 30 years ago I had trouble with my knees. My parents had an orthopedist look at them for a diagnosis. He said I should get some physical therapy.

I went for my first appointment today. I am not making this up. I couldn't...who'd believe it???

30 years ago I was told that my kneecaps were in the wrong place. Noting they were not on my elbow or near my ears, I did what any 14 year old girl in a catholic high school would do...I got high. Then I proceeded to forget about the whole incident.

This worked for quite some time. The only time I was ever reminded of the ill placed kneecaps was after some extremely strenuous exercise or prolonged walking. I opted for the practice of ignoring it till it went away. If it can work with ill mannered people, why cannot it work for an ill mannered kneecap mislocation?

The only problem is, it's getting worse. It follows me around like gum on my shoes, now. How do you ignore something that pokes at you through the haze of a rob roy buzz?

So, 10 days ago I finally went to an orthopedist. After several xrays (ever wonder why everyone except the intended target runs from the xray room? whatever they are zapping around your body cannot be good for business if everyone else runs from the room) I was handed a diagnosis of arthritis. Gee, ain't that swell?? Get signed up for physical therapy...and I suddenly experience de ja vu. (I looked for a joint..but came up empty)

First, I describe to someone named Iris (what kind of physical therapist is named Iris?) all my symptoms. Then they watch me walk. I walked so far down the hall that I thought they were trying to ditch me. I almost couldn't hear her tell me to turn around and come back. And who knew that all these years I don't fully extend my leg when I walk? Who tells you a thing like that?? All a guy would ever notice is how short your skirt was or how high your heels were...but extend the leg, or keep the knee bent.. Not a clue..

It turns out that I don't know how to pronounce or spell any of the words that proceeded to spill from Iris's mouth. I did manage to get that my left leg is atrophying (and didn't that word scare the @##*^&^% outta me). It's fully an inch and a half smaller than my right leg. All this knee flexing stuff is shortening the muscle in the back of my leg, too. Like I'm not short enough, another inch has to be chopped off one side?? It turns out that I am sorta leaning to the right, physically, as well.....and I'm instantly reminded of the leaning tower of piza. Good news is my pelvis is perfectly aligned. Nice to know that two kids forcing their way outta that space didn't interfere with the status quo. It would have been fun to blame my bad knees on my kids, just to see how guilty I could make them feel.

So, the first order of business is to make the left leg catch up with the right. I don't see how this is going to happen being as how both are attached to the perfectly aligned pelvis. Then I have to get some good walking shoes and some funky arch support. (Can you just dig how expensive this is getting?...I'm telling you, a joint would have been much cheaper). I have to help lenghthen the back leg muscles by laying on my stomach with a moist heat pad on my leg, three times a day for 20 minutes. I don't know where I'm supposed to find the time for that little bit of business. Maybe I can manage twice a day. Maybe if I was eating bonbons I could manage this...but otherwise, I see lots of naps in my day.
I also have to get ankle weights. I'm 44...I'd rather spend the money on a nice bottle of wine than strap some weight about my ankle and concentrate on walking right.

Honest to god, I'm sitting here right now making sure I'm centered. Are any of you centered????? I have to do physical therapy three times a week. That will surely cut into my bonbon time. I'm too young and pretty for a jazzy or wheelchair, but too old to simply say 'ignore it'.

Pass the dutchy on the left hand side..........


How can we sleep while our beds are burning???
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Old 12-19-2006, 05:14 PM   #2
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Vera, dear, I'm sorry about your "shortcomings", but your story has me rolling on the floor with laughter! No, I am not centered and I am abbynormal. Also, I'm getting shorter every year with age (both legs). By the year 2009, I should disappear altogether. You spin a good tale, girl.

All kidding aside, I'm sorry about the arthritis. I have it in my shoulder.

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Old 12-19-2006, 05:18 PM   #3
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I'm currently laughing too hard to karma you, but trust me, its coming.

I don't mean to make light of this, I know this is a serious issue. (ATROPHY??? Holy crap that would scare me too!) The good news is that you are getting physical therapy. You could buy a yoga tape too. I tell you, my hamstrings have never been so long. They torture you big time in yoga on that one. I know, I know, broken record. Shutting up now.
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Old 12-19-2006, 06:02 PM   #4
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Yet another compelling episode from the VeraBlue chronicles. Thank you.

Even though it may seem expensive to address at this time, I'm reasonably confident that getting help at age 44 will provide better long-term benefits than sparkin' up a doob...
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Old 12-19-2006, 06:19 PM   #5
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You spin a bad story in a mighty fine way. I'd give you some more karma to cheer you up, but apparently I'm not allowed to till I've given it to some others first.

Sorry to hear about your leg. That really is bad news. The only thing I can say is that at least it's a moist heat pad, not a moist cold pad. Maybe you could swap the ankle weights for a pound box of chocolates, strap them to said limb and then eat them at the end of the week as a reward!
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Old 12-19-2006, 06:37 PM   #6
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wow! what a windfall! excuse me vera, but i think your puckered up face from biting the lemon is preventing you from seeing the potential cash inflow from lemonade sales.
#1 - go ahead and tell your kids that it's their fault anyway! what the hello do they know anyway?
#2 - i'm sure that if you query your therapist, you'll find that laundry, dishes and vacuuming are strictly verboten.
#3 - recent fda studies undeniably demonstrate that tanic acids of the type found in a fine merlot measurably increase the elasticity of tendons, sinews and connective tissues in adults. results increase tenfold if the tanins are absorbed while the lower portion of the body is immersed in turbulent water rather higher than body temperature.
#4 - if your parents are still kicking, don't forget litigation! criminal negligence and reckless endagerment awards alone would pay for your gull-winged door lamborghini so you don't need to bend over getting in and out of your car.
#5 - finally, internet scuttlebutt has it that johnny depp picks up spare cash teaching yoga somewhere lower manhattan and also teaches privately (wink, wink)

open up your eyes is what i say
let me make sure that wine's ok before i use it.
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Old 12-19-2006, 08:09 PM   #7
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So when the oven get s to 350 degrees you put the...ooops wrong thread. You guys are killing me I think I just $&it myself.

Bad days just make the good ones seem better.

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Old 12-19-2006, 08:40 PM   #8
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Seventy bucks!!! Seventy bucks for a godugly pair of New Balance walking shoes! A special pair of shoes for walking?? Not to be confused with the pair just for cross dressing..ah, cross training or jogging. I want to know..where is the pair for laying on the sofa and hogging the remote? What does that pair look like, I wonder..?

Is there a pair for cleaning the bathroom? Wouldn't want to slip in there and bust up the other knee..

You guys are cracking me right back up.

I asked Iris if I could just swig vodka. Seems nothing hurts at all when I do that.
Yea, I told my mother this is just another thing going on the list of grievances I have regarding how she raised me. It's right up there with serving boxed frozen french fries that were still mushy and vacuuming in my bedroom at 7am when I was 18.

I didn't get the ankle weights, either. Another twenty bucks for something that could just as easily be two cans of crushed tomatoes strapped to my ankles. Or, I could just wade through the laundry piles a few times and experience the same results.

I'd like to tell people that I'm forbidden to do the housecleaning..but I don't do all that much housecleaning. I try to ignore that little chore, too...

I've got a great hot tub in the yard...I should be in it right now. Instead, I have to go lay on my stomach, feet hanging off the bed with some moist heat...or is that a can of tomatoes??

godonacrutch, someone shoot me.
How can we sleep while our beds are burning???
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Old 12-19-2006, 08:42 PM   #9
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I think the same thing is happening to me maybe.
My legs are sore quite often, and they always give out on me. Also I can't bend down on my knees or cross my legs. I mean I can. But it hurts alot and I can only hold it for so long.
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Old 12-19-2006, 08:43 PM   #10
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Sounds like you have gotten some VERY good medical attention. To answer one of your questions of "who would tell you you aren't fully extending your leg"--a neurologist.
Do as you are told (I mean this in the nicest way!!) and you will have a much nicer older age than you are now!! NO foolin'.
Having benefitted several times in my life from excellent physical therapy, I can only tell you that the dividends it pays your body are 100 fold the slight inconveniences it may entail. Find a good book and a way to read when you are doing the therapy.
And go ahead and get the ankle weights at a consignment shop or something--so much easier. And this isn't gonna get over right away. You'll use them again.

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