Okay, let me fill you in....I'm 44. About 30 years ago I had trouble with my knees. My parents had an orthopedist look at them for a diagnosis. He said I should get some physical therapy.
I went for my first appointment today.
I am not making this up. I couldn't...who'd believe it???
30 years ago I was told that my kneecaps were in the wrong place. Noting they were not on my elbow or near my ears, I did what any 14 year old girl in a catholic high school would do...I got high. Then I proceeded to forget about the whole incident.
This worked for quite some time. The only time I was ever reminded of the ill placed kneecaps was after some extremely strenuous exercise or prolonged walking. I opted for the practice of ignoring it till it went away. If it can work with ill mannered people, why cannot it work for an ill mannered kneecap mislocation?
The only problem is, it's getting worse. It follows me around like gum on my shoes, now. How do you ignore something that pokes at you through the haze of a rob roy buzz?
So, 10 days ago I finally went to an orthopedist. After several xrays (ever wonder why everyone except the intended target runs from the xray room? whatever they are zapping around your body cannot be good for business if everyone else runs from the room) I was handed a diagnosis of arthritis. Gee, ain't that swell?? Get signed up for physical therapy...and I suddenly experience de ja vu. (I looked for a joint..but came up empty)
First, I describe to someone named Iris (what kind of physical therapist is named Iris?) all my symptoms. Then they watch me walk. I walked so far down the hall that I thought they were trying to ditch me. I almost couldn't hear her tell me to turn around and come back. And who knew that all these years I don't fully extend my leg when I walk? Who tells you a thing like that?? All a guy would ever notice is how short your skirt was or how high your heels were...but extend the leg, or keep the knee bent.. Not a clue..
It turns out that I don't know how to pronounce or spell any of the words that proceeded to spill from Iris's mouth. I did manage to get that my left leg is atrophying (and didn't that word scare the @##*^&^% outta me). It's fully an inch and a half smaller than my right leg. All this knee flexing stuff is shortening the muscle in the back of my leg, too. Like I'm not short enough, another inch has to be chopped off one side?? It turns out that I am sorta leaning to the right, physically, as well.....and I'm instantly reminded of the leaning tower of piza. Good news is my pelvis is perfectly aligned. Nice to know that two kids forcing their way outta that space didn't interfere with the status quo. It would have been fun to blame my bad knees on my kids, just to see how guilty I could make them feel.
So, the first order of business is to make the left leg catch up with the right. I don't see how this is going to happen being as how both are attached to the perfectly aligned pelvis. Then I have to get some good walking shoes and some funky arch support. (Can you just dig how expensive this is getting?...I'm telling you, a joint would have been much cheaper). I have to help lenghthen the back leg muscles by laying on my stomach with a moist heat pad on my leg, three times a day for 20 minutes. I don't know where I'm supposed to find the time for that little bit of business. Maybe I can manage twice a day. Maybe if I was eating bonbons I could manage this...but otherwise, I see lots of naps in my day.
I also have to get ankle weights. I'm 44...I'd rather spend the money on a nice bottle of wine than strap some weight about my ankle and concentrate on walking right.
Honest to god, I'm sitting here right now making sure I'm centered. Are any of you centered????? I have to do physical therapy three times a week. That will surely cut into my bonbon time. I'm too young and pretty for a jazzy or wheelchair, but too old to simply say 'ignore it'.
Pass the dutchy on the left hand side..........