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Old 02-24-2008, 08:15 PM   #1891
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Son still hasn't come back. I just hope he's okay. Will be an interesting nights sleep.
I'm sorry you hafto go thru this TG. Does your son not realize you are not financially able to carry his bills? After all he has it made if he can live rent free etc. Is it possible for him to work with out a car? If so drop all your help on his bills and get out of the bills if they are in your name because you just plain can't afford it. If he can't or wont deal with his bills then that is just to bad for him. I never got any hand outs from my mother because she just did not have the money at best I could borrow $20.00 but I always paid it back because I knew she wouldn't ever lend me anymore. My parents divorced when I was little but my dad also was tight with his money so guess what I learned early on I was responsible for my own bills. I also always lived on my own in studio apartments and sometimes I didn't even have money for tooth paste or food many times I only had $20.00 left after bills to sustain me for two weeks until the next paycheck . All that made me hafto work a job six days a week and usually ten hours or more a day but it was worth it to me as I loved my independence. It sucks to go to work and still only make enough to just get by that is why I would work at a job I hated but always kept looking for a better job and I would find them and then I would look for an even better job. It helps to work in a job that you love so much you would do it for free for me it was cooking and I advanced in a timely manner to finally make enough to pay bills and have some left for a bit of saving and fun. All my jobs were a get paid and learn job as soon as I mastered one job at a restaurant I would look to work at a better restaurant. So many people just settle for the the job they have when they should always keep looking to see if there is something better out there.
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Old 02-24-2008, 08:55 PM   #1892
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jp, he does know about our finances. We only have his insurance on ours. The car thing was when he was in an accident and we helped him by paying the $500 deductible. Other than that, he keeps all of his money. We know he blows it. He also goes to work late and comes home early. We saw a check stub that shows only 30 hours. He is only bringing home $175 because of it. He just doesn't care.
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Old 02-24-2008, 09:02 PM   #1893
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As hard as it sounds, Stacy, you and your DH need to become a united front and set some guidelines, be they small ones. Set limits and consequences for noncompliance...and STICK to them no matter how painful it might be for you and DH.

In other words, dig your heels and keep them there to stabilize your position. Unless and until you do that, your son will continue to push, push, push the envelope and...win.

In the end, everyone is the loser in this game. Guess what I'm trying to say is "tough love" is something that's due.

It will be uncomfortable and hard, but well worth the effort. Been there, done that.
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Old 02-24-2008, 09:07 PM   #1894
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As hard as it sounds, Stacy, you and your DH need to become a united front and set some guidelines, be they small ones. Set limits and consequences for noncompliance...and STICK to them no matter how painful it might be for you and DH.

In other words, dig your heels and keep them there to stabilize your position. Unless and until you do that, your son will continue to push, push, push the envelope and...win.

In the end, everyone is the loser in this game. Guess what I'm trying to say is "tough love" is something that's due.

It will be uncomfortable and hard, but well worth the effort. Been there, done that.
I know. I dont' think he will come back, except to get his stuff either after we go to bed or when we're not here. I don't know where he is and that is what is bothering me right now.
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Old 02-24-2008, 09:11 PM   #1895
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I understand, Stacy. He is at the stage where he thinks he knows everything. However long it will take, he will find out how little he knows.

Just sit tight and love him through it. I know it is hard. You can do it.
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Old 02-24-2008, 10:14 PM   #1896
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As hard as it sounds, Stacy, you and your DH need to become a united front and set some guidelines, be they small ones. Set limits and consequences for noncompliance...and STICK to them no matter how painful it might be for you and DH.

In other words, dig your heels and keep them there to stabilize your position. Unless and until you do that, your son will continue to push, push, push the envelope and...win.

In the end, everyone is the loser in this game. Guess what I'm trying to say is "tough love" is something that's due.

It will be uncomfortable and hard, but well worth the effort. Been there, done that.
Well said! Katie As long as he can get it he will try to get it. Once he figures out he is not getting help he will get that wake up call.
Texas Girl you need to stay strong because if you keep up helping him maybe you all could end up in dire straits. If you take care of you and DH at least you still have a home and food for the kid to come home to.
Maybe you should print these posts and let him read them. This country is in a big heap of trouble and many families need to band together to survive and still be able to live a decent life.
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Old 02-24-2008, 10:31 PM   #1897
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Tough love is, well, tough. Like everyone else said, stick to your guns and keep praying. I will pray for your piece and for him to come to his senses.
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Old 02-25-2008, 04:18 AM   #1898
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Stacy, he has probably just gone to a mate's place and will sleep there tonight or in his car in their driveway (depending how cold it gets). That's what usually happens here. I never understood the free board thing. Most of my friends when we were your son's age didn't pay board. I always did as did my brother. Once I got a serious job, I started paying my mum just under the going rate for rent as board, cos like you, she wasn't well off. I figured the benefits of living at home and paying A$100 week (back at the start of the 90's) were far greater than moving out. In-between jobs, I didn't have to pay anything but it made mum's life a bit easier when I was able to (I worked temp jobs and contract work) and I had all the cushiness of home. But it did teach me more responsibility with my money.

When he gets home, maybe you need to sit down with him away from your husband and just have a non-confrontational chat with him and really explain to him about your financial situation and that he needs to be able to look after himself, even if he isn't able to help you financially. Sometimes, while you say your kids know the situation, they don't always really understand the situation. They're just words. Show him your bills and your bank account. Really level with him like another adult. Be open and honest and see how he reacts. Just don't let the conversation become more than that. Ask him what he feels he could do to help. Make him part of it and try not to be a parent to him at this point.

Just suggestions. Money stresses everyone out. (Well maybe not Gates or Rockefeller etc!!) I worked out on the weekend that 43% of my net income goes on my mortgage repayments. I was much happier not knowing!!!! LOL
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Old 02-25-2008, 07:03 AM   #1899
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Stacy I'm sorry to hear you are having yet another tough time! I will pray for you and send you some strength. 20 somethings are stubborn (yes I am admitting I was, don't tell my mother), and I'm sure as it may be difficult now, in 10 years he will kiss the ground you walk on. Ok maybe not, but he will end up thinking the world of you for being a tough teacher.
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Old 02-25-2008, 07:07 AM   #1900
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Stacy, are you better with him or are you better without him with the present state of affairs? It's a question to ask yourself. It's obvious that you are better off without him if he is working, freeloading, and not helping out AND disrespecting you and your husband (I'm surprised that your DH hasn't had a "showdown" with him before now especially in light of the fact that you are now in serious financial constraints yourselves. How else is he going to appreciate the value of money and learn some fiscal responsibility as well as becoming a responsible adult if he doesn't pay his own way? Yes, it's called tough love as everyone has said because you are going to have to sit down and tell him that this is what you expect of him or he can find another place to live. Simple. And then stick to it...............that's where it's tough, Mom. No sliding back to the old ways, giving in and feeling sorry for him. Sure he's going to run off and pout and make you worry about him. That's his hook........so what? He's got a car, and clothes, and he's employed. Let him manage on his own for awhile in the real world. Friends may put up with him for awhile but unless he straightens up and contributes they'll boot him out, too. It's sad that you and your hubby are giving up medical care because you can't afford it and he's not helping out. If he was paying rent then you could afford it. I bet if you took a survey on DC you'd find that many of us did without while getting started early in life because we couldn't afford it. None of this put it on a credit card and pay for it later. No landlord in their right mind would expect someone to go without paying their rent for very long. If you couldn't afford it you did without. My first year of married life at age 20 consisted of eating deer meat (in all shapes and forms) because macho man hubby killed a deer and the meat was basically free. To this day, venison turns my stomach. Your son will survive tough love, too, and who knows he may come back and help out. If not then you're better off without his freeloading and irresponsibility and hopefully he will learn it somewhere else. Stand tough and hang in there...........I know because we've had to be tough ourselves on our firstborn son. It's not easy.......But you and hubby stick together as a team and you'll be doing your son the biggest favor of his life
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