"Discover Cooking, Discuss Life."

Go Back   Discuss Cooking - Cooking Forums > The Back Porch > Off Topic Discussions
Closed Thread
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
 
Old 09-13-2006, 09:57 AM   #451
Executive Chef
 
Dina's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Mission, Texas
Posts: 2,686
Send a message via Yahoo to Dina
Thank you ladies. Your words are so meaningful. I know that some days are better than others but yesterday was just the ultimate. Thing is, our boy doesn't disrespect or boss us around, thankfully. He's pretty good in that sense. But when he's asked to do things like homework or pick up his room, he takes hours to do it, literally from the time he gets home to 10 p.m. He seems unfocused and unmotivated to do things. Unless I'm sitting with him doing the math homework and showing him how to work out every problem, he's happy. If I leave him alone to do it himself, he sits for hours tapping his pencil and staring at the walls. He's been getting failing grades in Math only because he's not showing his work, as the teacher requests. He'd have 100's on each of them by now but he's only writing the answers and not following directions. He was in number sense in 6th grade and thinks he can get away with it this year. I know it's his mark and not mine, but I can't allow him to slack off on academics when I know he's capable of getting the grades.

I know many others have worse problems with their kids and I should be thankful for what I have. I just needed to vent and somehow get some feedback from you moms that have been through this. I will continue to pray for patience and for my son to begin to take some responsibility for his own stuff. Thank you all for listening.
__________________

__________________
Dina
If you have much, give of your wealth. If you have little, give of your heart. - Arab proverb
Dina is offline  
Old 09-13-2006, 10:06 AM   #452
Head Chef
 
lulu's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: England
Posts: 2,039
Oh Dina, I think that it sounds like you are doing a fine job. I can't even imagine how tough it must be to be a parent. I think that boys find it harder to self motivate than girls sometimes, and at twelve he is probably starting to fight with a teenage boys desire to sleep 20 hours a day and moan non stop. Sounds to me like you are a pretty decent role model for him.

I have no real advice, because I am not a mother, but best wishes and also, from once difficult child, I now look back and am grateful that the parents I "hated" then were strict and brooked no rubbish. They never seemed upset just milldly disinterested when I made excuses or told them my reasons for not coming up to scratch. Years later my mother told me in broke her heart but she knew that if I saw that she was upset I would think that normal parts of growing up were valid excuses for not performing upto scratch. I love her for that now more than if she had given into me.
__________________

__________________
lulu is offline  
Old 09-13-2006, 11:27 AM   #453
Executive Chef
 
Dina's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Mission, Texas
Posts: 2,686
Send a message via Yahoo to Dina
Thank you sweetie. I appreciate your words Lulu. I do love my boy so much that I will continue to hold this fort down, even if I have to hide to bawl every day to relieve the stress.
__________________
Dina
If you have much, give of your wealth. If you have little, give of your heart. - Arab proverb
Dina is offline  
Old 09-13-2006, 12:35 PM   #454
Chef Extraordinaire
 
mudbug's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: NoVA, beyond the Beltway
Posts: 11,166
Dina, I hear you. With me it's a teen girl. No matter what I say, I'm the bad guy. Grit your teeth and hang in there.
__________________
Kool Aid - Think before you drink.
mudbug is offline  
Old 09-13-2006, 12:52 PM   #455
Everymom
 
Alix's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2002
Location: Edmonton, Alberta
Posts: 23,184
Dina, you know I love you and you know I think your son is a doll (and if we ever get closer together we should introduce our kids! )

I have to tell you though, that you need to set up a really impactful consequence for him if his work is not done up to your standards and then WALK AWAY. If you are sitting next to him "helping" all the time then he is not doing what he needs to. You are so sweet and tenderhearted I know this will tear your guts out, but he needs to do it on his own. I'm not saying he is intentionally demanding all your attention, but it is a nice by product of this situation. As for the rest of it, (the taking FOREVER to get things done) well thats a teen thing. Chalk it up to MBA (minor but annoying) and let it go.

You are going to wear yourself right out if you keep going this way. Your other two kids are going to start acting up to get more of your attention and so the cycle begins.

Make your son responsible for his own marks and come and vent here tons and tons. We will support you, we love you! Teen years don't last forever, but they sure are tough slogging. You can do it Dina! Hugs to you my dear friend.
__________________
You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it. Robin Williams
Alix
Alix is offline  
Old 09-13-2006, 02:15 PM   #456
Executive Chef
 
Michelemarie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Suburb of Chicago, IL
Posts: 2,614
Send a message via Yahoo to Michelemarie
Dina, it sounds like we have similar problems with our teens. This year I have taken a different approach - like what Alix said. I am not holding her hand through everying - ie., homework, cleaning room, chores, etc. I state the rules, expectations, whatever. If "A" doesn't happen, then "B" will. For example, your room must be clean before you go to bed at 9:30, if it is not clean to my standards (and she knows what they are), you will have no phone, tv or computer tomorrow. I don't get mad, can focus my attention on other things (my toddler ripping the mail open), and she appreciates not hearing me nag. For the most part, this has worked. One case it did not work, and she is reaping the consequences now - maybe that is what has helped! Anyways, there are lots of parents of teens here, and they are all very supportive. We are here to help! Keep your head up, keep praying, and remember you are the mom. Kids like (thrive) boundries - you sound like you are doing everything right. I once told a family member that, being the mother of a 14 year old was making me lose my mind and she said that I must lose my mind, because no mother in their right mind would let a 16-year behind the wheel of a car!
__________________
Michele Marie
Michelemarie is offline  
Old 09-13-2006, 03:51 PM   #457
Chef Extraordinaire
 
Katie H's Avatar
Site Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: I live in the Heartland of the United States - Western Kentucky
Posts: 15,156
Thumbs up

It's interesting to be on the "other" side of raising children. Our youngest is going to be 32 in November. He's one of 5. Four boys and a girl. In some ways, our daughter gave us more heartburn than any of our sons. But my husband and I held our ground and were the parents rather than buddies to our children. I think that's where some parents make a mistake. It's nice to be friends with our children but, after all, we ARE the parents.

By the time our children, the boys mostly, reached their teen years, the issue of keeping their rooms up to our standards was almost comical. Our oldest, now 36, was the worst. His room should've been condemned. We ordered, shouted, withheld stuff, campused him, everything. Nothing seemed to work. He still seemed to enjoy living in a cesspool. Finally, we quit harping and just shut his door. When he asked where his favorite shirt/pants/etc. were, we just told him to look on the floor because he'd neglected to put them in the wash before laundry day. Laundry day, by the way, has been on the same day for 38 years, so he had no excuse for not knowing when the wash was done. Plus, each one had a laundry basket in their closet with their name on it. All they had to do was to put it in front of the washer the night before the laundry was to be done. Then pick it up the next afternoon. How hard was that?

He was an "A" student, but did only enough to get by and sometimes not that much. We practically lived in the guidance counselor's office. Once he graduated from high school - something we doubted until the moment he walked across the stage - he got the bright idea to enter the military. He'd always bucked discipline, so we were astounded at his decision. Not only that, he chose the most difficult service...the Marines. We were floored.

He served well and proudly and when he left the Marines, we had the opportunity to visit with him at his apartment. Surprise, surprise, surprise. The shelves of his linen closet were filled with neatly stacked towels, washcloths, bars of soap, etc. His closet had each shirt on a hanger, in color order, and his underwear and socks were folded neatly and all in perfect rows. So much for the messy cesspool of a few years earlier.

He's become a very successful young man and is currently developing his own property managment company. And, by the way, you can eat off the floor in any room of his house. Who'd ah known?!

We survived 5 driver's licenses and a couple of automobile accidents. Thankfully none serious. We also made it through countless boyfiriend/girlfriend endless loves and break-ups. Somehow we used instinct and dumb luck to weather whatever storms came at us.

One thing we learned was that sometimes when our children bucked the system and insisted on doing things their way, we just had to let them suffer the consequences as hard it as it was on the two of us. Sometimes it grieved us plenty but some of the knocks helped them. All children are different, like fingerprints, so what works with one will not necessarily work with another.

Four of the five are married. Two of them now have families of their own and will, hopefully, understand what we were trying to convey to them when they were young. Having a family is hard work but, as far as I am concerned, it's well worth it.

So, hang in there and be strong. You'll be surprised at how much strength you really have. And, remember, no experience is totally bad...unless you learn nothing from it.

Be well.

Katie
__________________
Katie H is offline  
Old 09-13-2006, 04:48 PM   #458
Hospitality Queen
 
jkath's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Southern California
Posts: 11,448
Katie, those words of wisdom are wonderful!
Thank you so much!
I particularly appreciated the bit about your son's messiness. My older boy will be 14 next month. I've not helped him with homework since about the 3rd grade, and he's always brought home A's on his report card. His attitude is generally considerate and kind, and he's always the first to apologize when he knows he is wrong. But his room! Laundry-land is what I call it. Stacks of folded laundry, on the floor, from a week prior, is mixed up with the things he wore yesterday! And, even though he has an enormous room, the largest part of the floor is forever in the process of a nascar race, with all his 1:16 scale models. I am tired of tripping on them! (and God help me if I move them!)
__________________
Come visit my foodie blog: www.SockmonkeysKitchen.com
This week's topic: Pinterest and Potatoes
jkath is offline  
Old 09-13-2006, 05:07 PM   #459
Chef Extraordinaire
 
kadesma's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: california
Posts: 21,373
jkath, do like Katie did and like I learned to do, look in shake your head and close the door..Say a prayer and be on your way..They will get the message!!! Once that special dance or doings at the school comes along and the new shirt is still on the floor where they threw it..The turn around is'nt immediate, but, it comes.

kadesma
__________________
HEAVEN is Cade, Ethan,Carson, and Olivia,Alyssa,Gianna
kadesma is offline  
Old 09-13-2006, 06:31 PM   #460
Hospitality Queen
 
jkath's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Southern California
Posts: 11,448
Thanks, kadesma! I'll do my best!
__________________

__________________
Come visit my foodie blog: www.SockmonkeysKitchen.com
This week's topic: Pinterest and Potatoes
jkath is offline  
Closed Thread

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off



» Discuss Cooking on Facebook

Our Communities

Our communities encompass many different hobbies and interests, but each one is built on friendly, intelligent membership.

» More about our Communities

Automotive Communities

Our Automotive communities encompass many different makes and models. From U.S. domestics to European Saloons.

» More about our Automotive Communities

Marine Communities

Our Marine websites focus on Cruising and Sailing Vessels, including forums and the largest cruising Wiki project on the web today.

» More about our Marine Communities


Copyright 2002- Social Knowledge, LLC All Rights Reserved.

All times are GMT -5. The time now is 07:47 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8 Beta 4
Copyright ©2000 - 2016, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.