Old Venting Thread

[Alix]

Stacy, WHEW! You scared me a bit there sweetie. I understand feeling like you are. Its nasty. Hugs my friend. If I can be an ear, or remind you how treasured you are here, just drop me a line. Even though you feel your life is drudgery, know that you bring smiles and sunshine to your friends here.

Laurie, I am so sorry to hear about what you are going through. That sounds just awful. I'm sure you have tried everything to help but I so want to help you that I feel I need to suggest some things for you. Have you tried acupuncture? It worked extremely well for my Dad. He was a freak about needles too but he couldn't even feel them. Living where you do I feel confident you can find a good acupuncturist. I know that something like yoga might not sound feasible at the moment, but if you can find a Hatha or Iyengar instructor near you give it a go. My back was horrible about 7 years ago and they told me nothing could be done except to throw pills at it. (And those just made the pain bearable, didn't get rid of it all) Maybe massage? At least it would give you some temporary relief and I know it is covered under a lot of plans.

 

[Fisher's Mom]

Stacy, I'm so sorry things are rough for you right now. I know what you are saying about this not being a life that feeds your soul so you are feeling dead. It happens little by little over the years and then one day you realize it. Because it's been that way for so long, it's overwhelming. There looks to be no way to change it. No chance for things to ever be different. But things can change because you can change. It's the only thing you can control - what you do. But it's very hard and those around you will be scared by changes and will try to force things back to the way they were. That's where your strength will come in. You can learn to take care of yourself as well as those around you, even though they will load on the guilt to try and keep things the same. It starts with baby steps - meet a girlfriend for coffee after work instead of going home right after work. Hubby can blend food for himself sometimes or go hungry. I promise it won't kill him. Of course, he'll complain and b***h but he already does that anyway so learn to let it wash over you without affecting you. If you don't have any friends in town because your hubby has isolated you, then start making friends. Don't be afraid because hubby has squashed that in the past. You are a lovely, witty, charming person who deserves a life that has some joy in it, girlfriend. We're behind you. Bounce some ideas off of us - we're great cheerleaders!
Terry

 

[LPBeier]

Have you tried acupuncture? It worked extremely well for my Dad. He was a freak about needles too but he couldn't even feel them. Living where you do I feel confident you can find a good acupuncturist. I know that something like yoga might not sound feasible at the moment, but if you can find a Hatha or Iyengar instructor near you give it a go. My back was horrible about 7 years ago and they told me nothing could be done except to throw pills at it. (And those just made the pain bearable, didn't get rid of it all) Maybe massage? At least it would give you some temporary relief and I know it is covered under a lot of plans.

Thanks so much, Alix. I have tried acupuncture and have a really good physiotherapist who does needles and massage. However, I have been told by my first four doctors not to do anything like that until I have seen #5 who will hopefully do surgery on my knee. However, the appointment has been postponed twice. Also, that will only help the knee. I can't do yoga or anything like that right now, but I have in the past and yes, it is great. If I don't get this appointment in this week, I am going to go to my physio anyway. I know he will be able to help. The only down side though is it is a 1 hour drive away and car rides are really hard on me. Also, he is popular and books way in advance. But I appreciate the suggestions and will follow up on them.

 

[Alix]

Hang in there Laurie! Just get some relief however you have to. Geez that SUCKS!!

 

[miniman]

Hi Texasgirl - I'm with Fishers Mom, find something out of the house that is fun and just for you, let DH and boys look after themselves once a week or so and enjoy yourself. Don't forget you have this great big community standing with you and loving you for yourself and your loveliness.

 

[miniman]

Hi Laurie

Praying for you, if I was near I would love to help you and Maverick - I feel so far away but will stand with you in prayer & friendship.

 

[expatgirl]

Stacy, I understand exactly what you are going through and am still going to PM you.

But I need to vent at the moment.

I hurt. I am in pain. I can't get any sleep or rest - lying on the bed, even an air matress is like torture. I hate to complain and feel like a wimp because I have dealt with chronic back pain but this is worse. This all over and gets worse when I move. I have trouble showering, dressing, working in the kitchen, practically doing anything.

DH really tries to understand, but he admittedly has never had to deal with much pain at all in his life. He keeps asking me every few minutes how I am feeling as if it is going to change. I sometimes snap at him and it is the pain, not me, but it doesn't make it any better. I am tired of taking pills - the ones the doctors prescribe that don't do anything and all the natural ones that DH reads about and buys because he is positive they will cure me....immediately.

I am so tired of being sent from one doctor to another and being told to "suck it up" until I am old enough for a joint replacement (I will be 50 this year but the general consensus in the medical field seems to be that a replaced joint lasts 15 years and I should live to 80 so they will have to do it twice).

The arthritis is spreading. They only want to acknowledge the knee for the time being even though I keep telling them it is all over - my knees, shoulders and hips are the worst. But now it is travelling into my hands, specially my left. I am finding even this typing difficult but I have to vent somehow. I am even having problems making the roses for a cake due the beginning of August and I have a lot of them to make. DD has helped me in the past but she has enough going on with her fiance still in the hospital and besides I wouldn't make her work on this one anyway because she and the groom have "history".

Like you, Stacy, I have just had enough and need a place where I can let it all out. I am on the edge, yet I have so many others to be strong for. How come I can do it for them, and not myself?

LB,
I'm no doctor but have the doctors eliminated fibromyalgia from your list of symptoms? There's really not a confirmative diagnostic test for it as far as I know (eg. like in diabetes) but more of an elimination of other symptoms as well......the only reason I bring it up is that you hurt "all over"...usually arthritis is confined to the joints though the pain can be unbearable and it feels like it's all over......fibromyalgia tends to be all over in severe cases and equally debilitating ....oh, do I ever feel feel for you after what my poor mother in law suffered with osteoarthritis.

 

[LPBeier]

Yes, Expat, I do suffer from Fibromyalgia as well as the osteoarthritis, tendonitis in my shoulders and chronic back pain from three fractures in the lumbar region 17 years ago. They are all feeding off of each other right now so what works for one condition (like exercise) can flare up one of the others. That's what makes it so difficult.

 

[expatgirl]

ok, while on the this subject........my son just became a cop.........he watched his grandmother become progressively worse and finally reduced to a wheelchair. How many times did she have to be dropped off in front of a business in the sun because all the handicapped spots were taken......most spots quite legitimately have tags, hanging placards.........a few not......well, in training they are cautioned against being overzealous in enforcing the laws........use your best judgement............he lost his cool when a young 20 year old sauntered out of her sportscar parked in the last handicapped spot (temps here are now in the 90's +) and sashayed her way up to the store.........my son who was in plainsclothes was very polite and said "Ma'am, you have parked illegally in a handicapped space without the proper ID and you need to please move your car".........she gave him this withering, disdainful glare, shrugged her nicely toned shoulders and told him to mind his own business.......once again he politely repeated his request and commented that she didn't looked handicapped and to please move her car.......once again came the condescending flip of the shoulders and she continued on to the entrance.......then he flipped out his badge and told her that she had better move it or she was getting a citation......she took one look at it, moved her well-toned, tanned legs in short shorts and moved it.......such arrogance.....sorry, he just watched his grandmother struggle for so many years......said if it hadn't been the last handicapped place available probably would not have said a word.......maybe

 

[expatgirl]

Oh, LB,

I wondered------you must really struggle so.....can you or do you have any time for some water therapy so that you don't have stress on your joints?

 

[LPBeier]

I can well appreciate your son's efforts. I have a placard for when I use my cane - which lately is all the time. When I feel fit I don't like taking the spaces, but when I need it we do. One day at Costco we noticed that in the really wide spaces that are to be used for wheelchair vans and such (they have three of those and 10 regular handicapped spots) there was a legitimate car with placard in the spot and a little sports car had parked right beside it in the space. I saw an elderly gentleman getting into his car, backing it out then having to get out and help his wheelchairbound wife into the car while the traffic was backing up in the lot and people were swearing at him. I went to the person on the door and they said that they are not allowed to do anything about it. People with placards can phone it in to the bylaw officers but the store is unable to get involved. This is not Costco policy but a city ordinance. I find it absolutely sickening.

 

[Maverick2272]

For some reason, I woke up at 3 am to the realization, that I am tired of living my life.
I thought about the last 23 years and saw this. Verbal, emotional and physical abuse, adultry, fear when he came home, staying home everyday. Didn't go to movies, out to eat, nothing. Shopping alone for groceries, xmas and birthdays. Not getting anything for birthdays or xmas unless I got it myself. If I go anywhere with my sisters, even with my mom when she was alive, if I don't come home when he thought I should be done, I get yelled at. Even now, if I'm late getting home, I get yelled at. Now, I'm getting the poor me BS about EVERYTHING. You get 3 days off, I don't, at least you can eat normal, my head hurts, my neck hurts, my knee hurts, OMG, ENOUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I get 3 days off, yes, but, my 40 is done in 4 days, eat normal, no, I don't eat normal, I have to eat the same junk he does in fear of listening to him complain and stare at me while I eat, that is why I have gained so much weight! I stopped smoking for HIM, not me, so that he would stop griping at me everyday telling me I stink. I live with things going on with my health and NEVER say anything because if I do, HIS is so much worse and I should be grateful. I'm sorry for the vent, but, you know what, I'm tired of living this way and I'm too chicken to leave. Chicken to be on my own and chicken to feel the guilt in leaving him!!!

I know how you feel, the physical abuse ended about four years ago, the verbal abuse.. well it isn't as bad as it used to be anymore. Things are slowly getting better. She still has a tendency to yell about every little thing, and often drives the kids into the bedroom to hide. I think it boils down to the fact that she really doesn't know any other way to interact with people. Growing up, throwing fits and screaming and yelling were the only way to get her parents attention. On top of that her father (a Coptic Orthidox Christian who has the entire Bible memorized) taught her that if someone hurts her she should make sure to get revenge and hurt them back. In fact, if she thinks someone might do something to hurt her she should be pro-active and hurt them first. Combine this with the volatile temper, it's not a good mix. Last year she decided the grass was greener on the other side, then decided that didn't hurt me enough so she took out an add for a boyfriend and made sure I not only found it but all the correspondence between her and those that answered... details of what she planned to do that I really didn't need to know.
I had always felt if she was shown another way she would change, just didn't know it would take this long...

 

[LPBeier]

Oh, LB,

I wondered------you must really struggle so.....can you or do you have any time for some water therapy so that you don't have stress on your joints?

A good friend of ours is a rehabilitation therapist specializing in water therapy. He has worked with me on several occasions and it has been wonderful. However, his wife's father just passed away and she herself had eye surgery last week so I have not wanted to bother him. He also wants to see what the surgeon says as well.

Oh, good news on that. The appointment that has been postponed twice and was now supposed to happen in July has been bumped up to this Wednesday and she assured me that he is not on call this week so no surgeries will get in the way!!!!

 

[Katie H]

I know how you feel, the physical abuse ended about four years ago, the verbal abuse.. well it isn't as bad as it used to be anymore. Things are slowly getting better. She still has a tendency to yell about every little thing, and often drives the kids into the bedroom to hide. I think it boils down to the fact that she really doesn't know any other way to interact with people. Growing up, throwing fits and screaming and yelling were the only way to get her parents attention. On top of that her father (a Coptic Orthidox Christian who has the entire Bible memorized) taught her that if someone hurts her she should make sure to get revenge and hurt them back. In fact, if she thinks someone might do something to hurt her she should be pro-active and hurt them first. Combine this with the volatile temper, it's not a good mix. Last year she decided the grass was greener on the other side, then decided that didn't hurt me enough so she took out an add for a boyfriend and made sure I not only found it but all the correspondence between her and those that answered... details of what she planned to do that I really didn't need to know.
I had always felt if she was shown another way she would change, just didn't know it would take this long...

Mav... I have no words. Been there. Done that. Hang strong.

 

[expatgirl]

so great to hear, LB.........

 

[Mama]

I know how you feel, the physical abuse ended about four years ago, the verbal abuse.. well it isn't as bad as it used to be anymore. Things are slowly getting better. She still has a tendency to yell about every little thing, and often drives the kids into the bedroom to hide. I think it boils down to the fact that she really doesn't know any other way to interact with people. Growing up, throwing fits and screaming and yelling were the only way to get her parents attention. On top of that her father (a Coptic Orthidox Christian who has the entire Bible memorized) taught her that if someone hurts her she should make sure to get revenge and hurt them back. In fact, if she thinks someone might do something to hurt her she should be pro-active and hurt them first. Combine this with the volatile temper, it's not a good mix. Last year she decided the grass was greener on the other side, then decided that didn't hurt me enough so she took out an add for a boyfriend and made sure I not only found it but all the correspondence between her and those that answered... details of what she planned to do that I really didn't need to know.
I had always felt if she was shown another way she would change, just didn't know it would take this long...

This is what I have always told my kids,

You have two choices when it comes to a relationship:
1) You can either accept them for the way they are, OR
2) You can MOVE ON!

Don't ever think you are going to change someone!

No matter how much you want another choice there simply are no other choices!

 

[expatgirl]

Mav,

goodness, I have so many things that come to mind as to what to do but then I also know that you've been thru a debilitating recovery period and need help---but being told that they hope you die is not very therapeutic either........I guess I would quote the infamous Ann Landers' advice..........are you better with her or without her and if you act like a doormat she is going to wipe her feet on you........if two people ever needed some counseling it's you two.......please encourage her to go with you.......you would both benefit if you want to make this work.....at least go for your peace of mind which in turn will help your healing.........in the meantime I'm glad that you have DC to vent at.........

 

[Maverick2272]

Stacy, I understand exactly what you are going through and am still going to PM you.

But I need to vent at the moment.

I hurt. I am in pain. I can't get any sleep or rest - lying on the bed, even an air matress is like torture. I hate to complain and feel like a wimp because I have dealt with chronic back pain but this is worse. This all over and gets worse when I move. I have trouble showering, dressing, working in the kitchen, practically doing anything.

DH really tries to understand, but he admittedly has never had to deal with much pain at all in his life. He keeps asking me every few minutes how I am feeling as if it is going to change. I sometimes snap at him and it is the pain, not me, but it doesn't make it any better. I am tired of taking pills - the ones the doctors prescribe that don't do anything and all the natural ones that DH reads about and buys because he is positive they will cure me....immediately.

I am so tired of being sent from one doctor to another and being told to "suck it up" until I am old enough for a joint replacement (I will be 50 this year but the general consensus in the medical field seems to be that a replaced joint lasts 15 years and I should live to 80 so they will have to do it twice).

The arthritis is spreading. They only want to acknowledge the knee for the time being even though I keep telling them it is all over - my knees, shoulders and hips are the worst. But now it is travelling into my hands, specially my left. I am finding even this typing difficult but I have to vent somehow. I am even having problems making the roses for a cake due the beginning of August and I have a lot of them to make. DD has helped me in the past but she has enough going on with her fiance still in the hospital and besides I wouldn't make her work on this one anyway because she and the groom have "history".

Like you, Stacy, I have just had enough and need a place where I can let it all out. I am on the edge, yet I have so many others to be strong for. How come I can do it for them, and not myself?

I will keep praying for you, you need a break in there somewhere and hopefully you will get one soon.

 

[ribs and steak]

Can I vent my bad day? Because i need oxygen to do my job I have to bring at least 3 tanks of medical O2. On Sunday when I went to change my tank I had to have my last tank leaking the air and slowing me down on my job

 

[jpmcgrew]

Hi Texasgirl - I'm with Fishers Mom, find something out of the house that is fun and just for you, let DH and boys look after themselves once a week or so and enjoy yourself. Don't forget you have this great big community standing with you and loving you for yourself and your loveliness.

Stacy, even though you backed tracked on your post it's obvious you really are not happy and to think that you would settle to keep on catering to your unappreciative family to keep everyone happy but not yourself is entirely unacceptable besides it has not been working for you no matter what you you do. Time for you to make some new laws in the house and let all the grown ups there start to taking care of them selves. You are not responsible for every little thing from feeding to laundry etc. All your venting posts say the same thing you have been stretched way beyond your limits for years and years. You need to put your foot down and take back your life and make yourself happy if it means getting out so be it lots of people have done that.I did it with an incredibly abusive mother and I am happier for getting out as soon as I could at age 15 even though I kept contact and visited she would still resort to her selfish behavior and rages so at about 32 years old I finally cut that tie and Iv'e been really happy ever since.Just because someone is blood doe's not mean you are obligated to put up with their behavior towards you. You should never ever put up with any kind of abuse whether physical, mental or emotional. You are still really young and can do things to make yourself happy. Do you really want to continue this way another 20 years? I don't think so. You are not responsible for everyones screw ups and health problems but you are responsible to manage your own happiness and it doesn't mean you are selfish but you have the right to be happy. It's perfectly OK to find a way to make yourself happier no matter what you have to do. The post you made is what you feel so don't back track please don't. It's what you feel. You are not a slave and you need not put up with this kind of crap.
The fact that you are not appreciated really pisses me off. Come on girl it's time to make a plan and grow a new backbone.