One Liners

The friendliest place on the web for anyone that enjoys cooking.
If you have answers, please help by responding to the unanswered posts.

lifesaver

Executive Chef
Joined
Oct 13, 2008
Messages
4,413
Location
Southeast Kansas
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself,'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'

- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

<><>

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.

- Mark Twain

<><>

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending,and to have the two as close together as possible.

- George Burns

<><>

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.

- Victor Borge

<><>

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

- Mark Twain

<><>

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy, if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

- Socrates

<><>

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

- Groucho Marx

<><>

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

- Jimmy Durante

<><>

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.

- Zsa Zsa Gabor

<><>

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.

- Alex Levine

<><>

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.

- Rodney Dangerfield

<><>

Money can't buy you happiness. But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

- Spike Milligan

<><>

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.

- Joe Namath

<><>

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.

- Bob Hope

<><>

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

- W. C. Fields

<><>

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.

- Will Rogers

<><>

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

- Winston Churchill

<><>

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

- Phyllis Diller

<><>

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

- Billy Crystal

<><>

And the cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good spit it out.
 
Love is grand, divorce is twenty grand.

Love is blind, marriage is an eye opener.

In a child's first years, you try to teach him to walk and talk. For the next dozen years, you are telling him to shut up and sit down.

As a child, she was so ugly her mom had to tie a pork chop around her neck to get the dog to play with her.
 
I thought I heard old age creeping up on me, but it was only my wife - unknown.

Any day above the ground is a good day! - unknown

Go ahead. Make my day. - Clint Eastwood as 'Dirty Harry'. couldn't resist.

...and let me tell you, that went over like a fart in church...don't know
who came up with it but it was one of my Grandpap's favorites.
 
"A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step." - Lao Tzu

"In nature a repulsive caterpillar turns into a lovely butterfly. But with humans it is the other way around: a lovely butterfly turns into a repulsive caterpillar. -Anton Chekhov

"It is easier to denature plutonium than to denature the evil spirit of man." -Albert Einstein
 
Back
Top Bottom