Petty Vents

[PrincessFiona60]

How far away do your parents live, Charlie? My main concern is that they should not be driving.

They need a big calendar with all plans written on it. A dry erase board would be perfect. Only one communicator should call them, directing them to write it on the board.

The good thing about Dementia is that they will forget what occurred, the bad thing is you will not. Don't argue, they are adults and they know better in their own minds. They think: you are their child and how dare you argue with them, defy them, even lie to them. People with Dementia have their own world they live in, you cannot pull them out. It is best for all if you enter their world for time you are spending with them.

It is your parent's perception that is at fault, they probably know that something is wrong and it scares them. They take that fear out on you, someone they love and trust.

Go to Alz.org for answers, I think they also have a support forum. There is plenty of venting going on there and they are very supportive.

I hope some of this helps, Charlie, feel free to PM me and we can brainstorm solutions to things that come up.

 

[CharlieD]

PF, I don't think it's dementia, actually my mom doesn't drive anymore, but mostly because of Phisical abilities, or rather disabilities. It's selfishness


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[CakePoet]

CharlieD one of the sign of dementia is selfishness. There are also other form ages diseases that give these symptom. I cry up with a bunch of elders and we all knew when It not me , it you and I am never wrong starts, then it wasnt long before they where gone.

 

[blissful]

There are also people not in the 'old age' demographic that throughout their lives, they believe that their needs are more important than anyone elses. They believe their children should be subservient, to honor and respect them, to be obedient, to give up all they believe in, to sacrifice themselves for the purposes of their parents happiness, whims, and wishes. This is a personality trait, not particular to old age. This kind of a serious imbalance in adult relationships goes further, requiring the adult children to mind read, to anticipate their needs, to bend, until they break. This can go even further, where reason is left behind, no rational explanations will give relief. Where fabrications, paranoia, judgments built on lies, circular conversations, unfair blame and shame are laid, and guilt is used as a weapon. Don't beat yourself up, you are not alone.

Alzheimers, and Frontal Temporal Dementia, may come later, and complicate, or relieve some already long standing personality traits.

You might get more relief giving your situation a name. Check out 'personality traits'. My condolences go out to you, CharlieD.

 

[Cooking Goddess]

I swear those danged no-see-ums were one of the Plagues of Egypt.

 

[CharlieD]

Don't beat yourself up, you are not alone.

...

That is exactly my father, add in a lot of anger, serious, serious anger into the picture and it is him. He should have been locked up a long ago, the way he has been treating my mother all their lives. Not that he treated me any better, but when mom was younger she tried to shield me from his anger outbursts, now she is just too old and too tired to deal with him.
I am trying to relax and not pay attention, but it is just not easy.

 

[blissful]

That is exactly my father, add in a lot of anger, serious, serious anger into the picture and it is him. He should have been locked up a long ago, the way he has been treating my mother all their lives. Not that he treated me any better, but when mom was younger she tried to shield me from his anger outbursts, now she is just too old and too tired to deal with him.
I am trying to relax and not pay attention, but it is just not easy.

Once you've identified the offending behavior (serious anger=raging), you can have a boundary. A boundary is not a line you tell them not to cross. A boundary is what you will do when confronted with the offending behavior, such as leaving the room or leaving the house. You need NOT tell him that you are going to do this, just do it. Most people that rage at others, don't do it all the time, to everyone, therefore they CAN control themselves around certain people. You want to be one of those people that he chooses to control himself when he is near. By consistently removing yourself from him when he is offensive, it teaches him not to be offensive. I also had a father like that and my life was just so much more peaceful when I removed myself from the offending behaviors. Walking, the act of walking away, also helped me deal with my internal anger.

 

[Kayelle]

Blissful, let me say I'm very impressed with your good advice for our Charlie. I doubt a professional would be giving better advice, and I'm guessing you are one.

 

[Dawgluver]

Excellent advice, Blissful. I am/was a professional, and couldn't have said it better myself.

 

[blissful]

Blissful, let me say I'm very impressed with your good advice for our Charlie. I doubt a professional would be giving better advice, and I'm guessing you are one.

Thanks Kayelle. I'm not a professional. I have experience though. There is just nothing can be done to change other people, not really, not at their core, we can only teach them how to treat us, and even that is difficult as you never know how it will turn out. We can only change ourselves.

After I taught my dad that he could not be abusive to me or my children, by removing myself and the kids, he stopped talking to me, the silent treatment. What a gift that was to me! It was a relief. When we finally did talk briefly one day, he started talking OVER everyone at the table. I politely asked him not to interrupt the conversations. He blew a fuse and left the table. If nothing else, it kept the conversations civil, polite, or non-existent.

 

[Cheryl J]

In complete agreement here with Kay and Dawg, blissful. Excellent advice. And let me just also say that I'm sorry you had to go through that with your father. I've known others who have had to do similar, and it takes a lot of strength.

 

[dragnlaw]

Bless you Charlie, you are in a difficult situation and doing the best you can. The fact that you reached out here shows you are willing to listen, to try and to accept hugs to give you courage. I urge you to go and see a professional, either in your place of worship or social services. You could ask at the local hospital what services are available, it need not be private.

That person on hearing your story would be best to advise you, possibly (probably!) the exact same words you are hearing here. But they will be better able to judge the situation while talking with you face to face and understand what you are saying.

We are all cheering for you and sending you hugs of encouragement.

 

[CharlieD]

Thank you, thank you everybody. For now I just try to ignore him. Pretend that nothing happened. He is giving me a silent treatment. Once in awhile says a few words if he needs something. If it was not for my mother, and the fact that they are living in my rental property, I would really have nothing to do with him.

 

[CakePoet]

Meh, both me and little one are ill. We were supposed to go to a dear friend this weekend, but no. So I sent my husband to my dear friend so they can have fun and I can be home missing them both. Meh

 

[Dawgluver]

Dang it to heck. I think I broke another bone in my foot. Again. Last time I did this, doc said yup, you broke the sucker. He did absolutely nothing else. And that will be 892 dollars please. This time, I just wrapped it up in an Ace bandage. Did not bother with the doc. Wrapping I was instructed to do the last time. Except I got a bill for $892. When I already knew the bone was broken.

I am a klutz, can trip over my own socks or Beagle.

 

[Addie]

Dang it to heck. I think I broke another bone in my foot. Again. Last time I did this, doc said yup, you broke the sucker. He did absolutely nothing else. And that will be 892 dollars please. This time, I just wrapped it up in an Ace bandage. Did not bother with the doc. Wrapping I was instructed to do the last time. Except I got a bill for $892. When I already knew the bone was broken.

I am a klutz, can trip over my own socks or Beagle.

Well, that is a silly thing to do. When I broke my foot the first time I ended up with a cast up to my knees. I only broke that tiny skinny bone on the outside of my foot. The second time I broke that bone, I just stayed off my foot for a couple of days. My foot doctor wrapped it in an ace bandage and gave me a boot to wear. When I got home, the boot got tossed into the closet and the bandage came off.

 

[taxlady]

Oh noes Dawg! Which foot? Will you be walking with a cane?

 

[Dawgluver]

Naw, it's the little bone on the outside of my left foot. My bone doc has never done anything. Other than charge me a lot of money and agree, yeah, you broke that sucker. Good for him. Guess I'm putting myself on limited activity for awhile.

Oh well. It's sort of like a chicken bone. Ya think that that will stop this Dawg? Things could be much worse.

 

[Dawgluver]

Well, that is a silly thing to do. When I broke my foot the first time I ended up with a cast up to my knees. I only broke that tiny skinny bone on the outside of my foot. The second time I broke that bone, I just stayed off my foot for a couple of days. My foot doctor wrapped it in an ace bandage and gave me a boot to wear. When I got home, the boot got tossed into the closet and the bandage came off.

My bone doc, who moved away (how dare he!) never casted me up for anything. Broken a few bones. Wrist, a couple feet. I am a total klutz. Part of my problem is I can't see, and tend to trip over stuff. Don't like to wear glasses. I use braces and wraps. Works for me.

I will power through the pain.

 

[blissful]

I feel for you dawg. I'm a toe breaker, all of them at one time or another.