Planning For Our Final Destination

[MexicoKaren]

Funerals do have a function. We have ceremonies and gatherings for so many of life's milestones. This is just one more.

I agree, Jabbur. I think a funeral or memorial service is very important for friends and family, as a way to say goodbye. DH and I talked with son Jeff about this on his visit last week and we intend to remain here in Mexico, be cremated and scattered in a place of importance to us. But I want there to be a service of some kind for me, and I want them to play "Bennie and the Jets."

 

[expatgirl]

while it may seem a bit macabre to plan for one's one demise it does certainly serve a function........making it easier on your heirs.........my DH's parents had to handle the affairs of several close relatives and the experience emboldened them to make it easier on us which they certainly did.....they didn't want anyone to go thru the hassles that they had.......we were very fortunate........

 

[bethzaring]

I agree, Jabbur. I think a funeral or memorial service is very important for friends and family, as a way to say goodbye. DH and I talked with son Jeff about this on his visit last week and we intend to remain here in Mexico, be cremated and scattered in a place of importance to us. But I want there to be a service of some kind for me, and I want them to play "Bennie and the Jets."

just want to point out something about this feeling of funerals being for the living. You all are making the assumption that the deceased was a beloved, will be missed, needing the time needed to grieve with other friends and family.

This is not always the case, that the deceased was a beloved person.

 

[expatgirl]

You're right about that, Beth,......my husband's exboss was so well hated ....there would have been a celebration had he passed away......sorry to say it but I never met a more selfish and self-aborbed person than himself and his wife.........in fact when people find out that he's being posted to their country they turn in their transfer requests or take early retirement.....his name lives on in infamy.....I dubbed him Peter the Great and it's become his moniker.....sorry it just makes me laugh that he doesn't care in the least.....I would care...knowing that people hated my guts as much as people hate his........

 

[jennyema]

Sounds good to me, jpm! Especially if was signed by 3 witnesses!!

In our regular will we both have directives to physicians in regards to sustainment of life.......believe me your lawyer can get as creative as you want him/her to be....ours didn't leave a rock unturned and he was reasonable........

"In our regular will...."

What most people would consider a "regular will" doesn't become operative until you are dead. So directives to physicians would be meaningless. They need to be made in a so-called "living will."

 

[MexicoKaren]

They need to be made in a so-called "living will."

AND a copy of this document should be made a part of your permanent medical record with your primary care physician...

 

[jennyema]

AND a copy of this document should be made a part of your permanent medical record with your primary care physician...

As well as any health care proxies you might have.

 

[Adillo303]

Funny that this topic should still be debated. It seems that There are more than DC'ers with this on their mind.

Inheritance battles -- how to avoid them - CNN.com

AC

 

[MexicoKaren]

As well as any health care proxies you might have.

This is another important issue - in most states, you can execute what is called a "Durable Power of Attorney for Health Care." This document states who can make important medical care decisions for you if you are incapacitated. Here is more information: Health Care Power of Attorney

 

[ronjohn55]

I may be a bit cavalier about the whole thing. All the major things are done to make sure my wife is taken care of (life insurance, that sort of thing). After that.... I really don't care if they dump me in the woods, off the bridge, *in* a dump, etc.

Of course... my wife knows all of this. Um...maybe that wasn't such a good idea....

 

[jennyema]

This is another important issue - in most states, you can execute what is called a "Durable Power of Attorney for Health Care." This document states who can make important medical care decisions for you if you are incapacitated. Here is more information: Health Care Power of Attorney

Yes. This is the same as a health care proxy.

It is also important to give someone you trust "financial" power of attorney so that non-medical decisions can be handled as well. Spouses often do not automatically have power of attorney over each other, so it is important to get it in writing.

These documents are cheap and easy to have drawn up -- but I always suggest having a lawyer do them, because their wording can be state specific.

 

[Fisher's Mom]

just want to point out something about this feeling of funerals being for the living. You all are making the assumption that the deceased was a beloved, will be missed, needing the time needed to grieve with other friends and family.

This is not always the case, that the deceased was a beloved person.

This is so funny because it's true! I remember I had a neighbor when I lived in MA who died suddenly at an early age. He was the meanest, rudest guy I'd ever met and no one in the neighborhood could stand to be around him. He was mean to kids and pets in the neighborhood and you could hear him screaming at his wife and kids daily. Well, when he died, I went to get flowers to send. I started out thinking I would spend as little as possible but as I got closer, I started feeling guilty that I was almost glad he wouldn't be in the neighborhood anymore. Then I started thinking about his poor wife and kids who wouldn't have a father or husband anymore, even if he was a jerk. By the time I got there, I felt so guilty that I ended up buying the most expensive funeral arrangement they had. The kicker was, the florist said "He must have been a wonderful man because we have never sold so many of those expensive arrangements for one funeral ever!" Of course, I knew why - everyone felt as guilty as I did for being glad he'd no longer live in the neighborhood!

 

[Fisher's Mom]

It's interesting that people who have posted tend to want cremation and no service. While I have no problem with cremation, I do have a problem with the no service. I will not dictate to my family what to do. It must be something meaningful to them since I will technically not be there! If they want a full blown funeral with viewing etc, fine. If they want something private, fine. Whatever they need to do. Funerals do have a function. We have ceremonies and gatherings for so many of life's milestones. This is just one more. It may seem like a burden to the family to plan and deal with the many details, in some ways, it is helpful to have things you MUST do to keep you going. So my instructions to my family are "Do whatever you want."

You are right, of course. In many cultures and families, the ceremony is vital to the grieving process and an integral way to honor the dead and say goodbye. Thankfully, my family is comfortable with my desire for no service. I think they will probably all gather together and share a meal to reminisce and mourn me when I pass, but they don't feel that they need a service. I'm glad because if they really felt they needed one, then I would need to plan one and make all the arrangements ahead of time and it would go against the grain. For me, I just don't want any money spent on me after I'm dead. I have a large family and I would prefer that what money I have left go for the living - be it my children or a charity or whatever. But that doesn't mean I think it's bad or wasteful for others to have large funerals. As you said, it is to help those you left behind.

 

[expatgirl]

that's too funny, Beth.....your mean-hearted neighbor died all the way to the Infierno.......and we do have a living will included ........just didn't explain it well enough......and people post 50's do start to worry about these kind of things cause most of us have been diagnosed with some sorta of coronary heart disease of some kind or another.........high blood pressure, high lipids.....high cholesterol...........etc....etc.....so yeah, you do kind come in contact with your mortality......at least I'd like to think most people wouldn't be glad that I went and might be really sad............hahaha.......noone would mourn for Peter the Great.....trust me on this.....the man was as disliked as they can make them

 

[expatgirl]

You are right, of course. In many cultures and families, the ceremony is vital to the grieving process and an integral way to honor the dead and say goodbye. Thankfully, my family is comfortable with my desire for no service. I think they will probably all gather together and share a meal to reminisce and mourn me when I pass, but they don't feel that they need a service. I'm glad because if they really felt they needed one, then I would need to plan one and make all the arrangements ahead of time and it would go against the grain. For me, I just don't want any money spent on me after I'm dead. I have a large family and I would prefer that what money I have left go for the living - be it my children or a charity or whatever. But that doesn't mean I think it's bad or wasteful for others to have large funerals. As you said, it is to help those you left behind.

funerals are for the living......if it makes them feel better then go for it......me, I want my ashes to be borne free and mix as the wind blows and be as the grass grows....Borne Free to follow my heart........if my remains can inspire a flower to grow better then I'd be happy........

 

[Saphellae]

When I turned 18, my parents sat me down and told me that in their Wills, they were leaving everything to me. They discussed everything with me and informed me on all of their decisions and changes since then. I know how to take care of finances, investments, estate, etc. should they both pass away unexpectedly. I think it is VERY important to do this with immediate family.

You just never know.

 

[Wart]

Since this thread is spawned of Bucks passing I really don't wish to appear irreverent.

Disposal of my body should be by the least expensive means possible. I would be thrilled with a funeral pyre. Unfortunately the Funeral Directors PAC has made sure someone somewhere gets their fingers into it and make money off our carcasses. I could probably have my pyre if it were overseen by someone in an official capacity.

So cremate me and use my ashes as potting soil. In my younger years the soil was specific to someone growing class A Pot so my friends could take a toke and say .... never mind.

Throw my ashes about, keep me in a sack on the top shelf, makes no difference long as I don't get flushed.

I turn 50 in a couple months so I'm at that age where people start taking these issues seriously, personal serious. I'm going to die. When? Last thing I intend to do.
....
Mother in law has moderate dimensia and things have transpired where the 'family' can no longer deny or ignore it. I'll leave my personal stuff out of this, but a year ago the 'family' didn't want Ma to take her meds because Ma was so much happier thinking she was a teenager in Bari, Italy.

I suspect my own Moms cogs are starting to slip.
....

Yes, Funerals are for the living.

We're all mortal. At least in this life.

 

[expatgirl]

you're too funny esp. about the flushing......but I'd like to know that my remains are serving some useful purpose.......I'm claustrophobic anyway and knowing that I was in a 3 thousand dollar cellar for eternity wouldn't be in my will.......scatter me and I'm happy.........never could sit still anyway........

 

[Fisher's Mom]

Since this thread is spawned of Bucks passing I really don't wish to appear irreverent.

Disposal of my body should be by the least expensive means possible. I would be thrilled with a funeral pyre. Unfortunately the Funeral Directors PAC has made sure someone somewhere gets their fingers into it and make money off our carcasses. I could probably have my pyre if it were overseen by someone in an official capacity.

So cremate me and use my ashes as potting soil. In my younger years the soil was specific to someone growing class A Pot so my friends could take a toke and say .... never mind.

Throw my ashes about, keep me in a sack on the top shelf, makes no difference long as I don't get flushed.

I turn 50 in a couple months so I'm at that age where people start taking these issues seriously, personal serious. I'm going to die. When? Last thing I intend to do.
....
Mother in law has moderate dimensia and things have transpired where the 'family' can no longer deny or ignore it. I'll leave my personal stuff out of this, but a year ago the 'family' didn't want Ma to take her meds because Ma was so much happier thinking she was a teenager in Bari, Italy.

I suspect my own Moms cogs are starting to slip.
....

Yes, Funerals are for the living.

We're all mortal. At least in this life.

I don't think you are irreverent at all, Wart. There are some Buddhists and some Native Americans who take the bodies of their dead out to a remote spot and leave the remains to feed the wildlife. They feel that it is a final act of service by providing food for living creatures. I would like it very much if there was someplace our families could do this, if that is our wish. But I don't see how here in the US. Not too many places that are that remote and it would be a scary thing for a stranger to happen upon!

Yep, I'm 51 and this is the first time I've ever really grasped that death will come sooner and not later.

 

[jpmcgrew]

I don't think you are irreverent at all, Wart. There are some Buddhists and some Native Americans who take the bodies of their dead out to a remote spot and leave the remains to feed the wildlife. They feel that it is a final act of service by providing food for living creatures. I would like it very much if there was someplace our families could do this, if that is our wish. But I don't see how here in the US. Not too many places that are that remote and it would be a scary thing for a stranger to happen upon!

Yep, I'm 51 and this is the first time I've ever really grasped that death will come sooner and not later.

Thats what DH wants he wants to be left to the wildlife. There are plenty of remote places here on the ranch but it's not gonna happen. I also don't think it should cost a small fortune to bury a body. After all it's just the shell you lived in while you where here. I saw a thing on tv about a company that makes wooden caskets that will break down so it and you can be reabsorbed into the earth. I dont see the point of preserving a casket and a body. Cremation is clean and simple and I do not want all the stuff done to me by the mortician just to keep you from rotting. I think that is more disrespectful than no ceremony. I should know what they do to you because I dated a young guy years ago who was a mortician.
He cracked me up when he said he did not want to be a mortician and wanted to be something else like a taxidermist. He never did see the irony in that.