Posting how I feel right now, after Buck's passing.

The friendliest place on the web for anyone that enjoys cooking.
If you have answers, please help by responding to the unanswered posts.

LEFSElover

Executive Chef
Joined
Oct 19, 2004
Messages
3,696
Location
...lala land..............
I've been in a daze over the last several days.
My heart feels very heavy and I am decidedly out of sorts.
I know the reason, I know why it's so heavy and I know that others in here are feeling sad and lonely and heavy hearted too.
I wanted to say that this has been a tremendous journey for me.
I have prayed over and over and over all day long for someone I never knew and his family that I never met.
I have suffered in silence, all the while smiling as usual to the occasional passerby, while my heart was saying prayers on behalf of this family.
I now feel as though God's perfect purpose was accomplished and that His will was done.
I sensed it coming [over the last part of our vacation] when my heart turned and I started thinking that maybe it was time. I didn't like the feeling [that I felt like that] but since putting it in Gods Hands, I had to accept His result.
I feel my heart sinking for Katie and her family. My thoughts are to put down here how we are all coping as we've gone through this with Katie over the last week.
I am crying and can not type or see now. I feel so sad and don't know what to do other than write and hope others feel like we should all band together and love each other now in our time of need.
My heart is happy for Buck that he is in heaven with his beloved felines and all is wonderful and full of peace and beauty there.
Let's all smile today and know that God is good and this family has all of our love and support.
Katie, I don't know you, I don't know your family and I didn't know Buck, but I want you to know that this whole thing has touched me deeply.
I will continue my tears for you and yours and continue with my prayers also. I know this sentence is silly but please understand, I want to offer you something that is special to me. My favorite butter dish. It's beautiful.
 
Last edited:
I feel dull. And looking at the posts on the forum about cooking and grilling and all that other stuff just does not seem to matter to me right now. None of that seems as important now. Everything has been put into perspective. Things that once seemed important, really are not. The only thing that is important is God and family. I think it is beautiful post LEFSElover... almost like a love song to Katie and Buck.

I have cried to, folks I have not met, but it still touches my heart and I am honored to have been able to converse with them and have them as friends. I cry to because it was not so long ago that my parents left me, and seeing what Katie is going through really brought that time in my life rushing back to me.

I was telling DH about Katie and Buck, and we both broke down in tears and we told each other that we LOVE YOU. Realizing how short life can be and knowing there may not be another opportunity to say something you should have been saying all along.

I do feel deep love for you Katie, and my heart, my prayers, my thoughts, and my spirit are with you. I know God has you cradled in his arms.

Thanks LEFSE for posting this.
 
I've been feeling a bit like that as well Sattie, I couldn't face going through the posts this morning and have been the closest to tears I've been for several years. Even now, I was OK teaching today, but went all sad again when I came onto the forum.
 
To tell the truth, I stayed away from DC for a few days. It was selfish I know but I just wanted to avoid the news that was coming from Katie.
 
I feel really sad and tired. When I read Elf's post that they were unhooking the tubes to set Buck free, I just broke down crying. After every update that had worse and worse news, I think I was just getting more and more physically tense, thinking about poor Buck with all those awful tubes and tests and poor Katie having to watch her man go through this. When the tubes and the plugs were pulled, I felt a rush of intense sorrow that Katie would be losing her Buck and at the same time a rush of relief that Buck wasn't going to spend his last hours on earth with all those machines and tubes between him and his wonderful family.

Then when we got word that he was gone, I was crying all over again, thinking of how much Katie must be hurting and how alone she must feel. Even though her family is there with her, after 30 years she must feel very alone without Buck. I thought of that most of the evening, how hard it would be for her to walk into the house and know that Buck isn't waiting for her inside. And all the mail and chores and things left undone that faced her when she got home. Life forces us to go on, to take care of the everyday when our world is in complete turmoil. It's such a crazy, nonsensical thing to be opening mail when the love of you life is gone but nonetheless, the mail must be opened.

When I finally fell into bed, I was instantly asleep and I slept hard - no dreams or sudden awakenings. This morning, I have puffy eyes and a sad feeling of sisterhood with Katie. I think all the women here feel it because it's something we must all be ready to face someday.

Thanks for starting this thread Laurie. And I'm glad our posts don't have to make sense because there's no rhyme or reason to life at times like these.
 
it is so hard to explain.

Though I only know Katie and Buck from here, I have corresponded with them on numerous occasions and always enjoyed Bucks critiques on my photography. Katie, is a fellow mod on the site so that makes us practically family(in an e kinda way). I know how much love they share, and what wonderful people they are...though I have never met either of them.

It is hard to explain to my S.O. that I am mourning the loss of a friend, whom I never had the chance to meet. It is hard to explain to my employees when they ask, "Chef, you ok?" and I simply say I am cool...maybe it isn't that it is difficult to explain, maybe I think it would be difficult for some one to understand.

this is affirmation to me, that the DC family ARE valued people in my life, whether I have met them or not. I am humbled by the sense of community, and the ability to see first hand, a board of total strangers, pull together for a common cause.

I feel for Katie. I know Katie is strong, and I can only hope that as time goes on, the dealings of the past week and such, will be replaced with the memories of the many happy years they shared together. I know that must hurt like a S.o.b., but I am sure that the thoughts invoked from such memories will soon pass from grief for loss of a loved one and partner, to fond memories that will make an ear to ear smile.

I am so sorry for what Katie has gone through, and for anyone that has loved and lost a true soulmate. I am relativly young(30)and have not had the dealings with a lott of loss, asides from a few chilhood friends, and my Grand parents, and that was tough. I can't imagine how Katie feels right now...it scares me.
 
I feel somehow empty...
I still can not imagine the whole thing, everything went so fast..
I can't imagine the loss Katie feels, but it must be so tremendously...

I surf the net, look here, look there, but there is not the joy I usually feel, many things just bore me or think don't they have other problems..
And while writing this, again tears come to my eyes, tears i cry for a person I never met and who somehow was important not only to me...
 
I too have been in tears. I've been away from DC for so long, and the pit is sporadic, but its made my affection no less. I know that people like Buck and Katie are among those who have always welcomed me with open arms (keyboards?) and its like being wih old friends who you don't need to see every day to know you think and care about each other. Internet relationships are scary, in being careful not to reveal to much about the incidentals of security we can cut to the chase of what matters to us and who we are at our cores.

After reading the news I couldn't sleep last night and my cats were even more clingy than usual, as if they knew a cat lover had left us and people have asked me today why I'm crying and it can't convey how much you can care for people on an internet forum when you try and explain..

ETA: And now I can't seem to stay away wanting to be near you people who understand this emotion of care for great people. I don't want to go and share about food, but rather to be close to you who understand how I ache to hug Katie or help her in some practical way and how useless it feels to be doing anything other than that.
 
Last edited:
I don't have Buck and Katies physical address. I am sending something and wonder [it's a package] if I should send elsewhere but I don't want anyone paying for shipping from their house to theirs.

What are others doing? I offered my offering and hope others will lift her up with theirs as well. Something special just for her, from those who love her.
 
:( Bucks passing is a huge loss for all of us. Every post I read about Buck and Katie makes me cry all over again. I also have not been interested in other threads it just doesn't seem right at this time to read those. My heart aches so much for katie I can hardly stand it. It's going to be incredible hard for her to adjust to life without him. I wish I could do more for Katie but what? It just seems so unfair and happened so fast no one knew this one was comming. It's still hard to believe. I wish I could at least go to their house and do the chores for sweet Katie.
WHAT WAS GOD THINKING? I also did not know them in person but I sure know what was in their hearts and pictured myself many times in their kitchen while Katie made bread. The porch will never be the same. I also worry alot on how Katie will handle the shop by herself. It will be really hard at home Bucks essence will be every where Katie goe's.
 
I probably shouldn't be posting now because it's being done in a haze of tears........our comptuer server was down yesterday and I was going crazy.......luckily a dear friend took me bowling and we went out for lunch, came home had a wonderful chinwag session and ordered pizza ...I went online and saw that Buck had died.........I bolted from the table sobbing........my son and granddaughter were shocked at my reaction as the pizza had just arrived..........Buck was one of the first people who I actually bantered with..when I shockingly guessed one of the pictures of "Guress what this is a photo of" and had no clue as to host a picture he spent a long time explaining to dumb blonde here how to go about it........

he always had interesting sites to go to and would help you with any problems.........I'm sorry I'm going to have to stop...........
 
I feel really sad and tired. When I read Elf's post that they were unhooking the tubes to set Buck free, I just broke down crying. After every update that had worse and worse news, I think I was just getting more and more physically tense, thinking about poor Buck with all those awful tubes and tests and poor Katie having to watch her man go through this. When the tubes and the plugs were pulled, I felt a rush of intense sorrow that Katie would be losing her Buck and at the same time a rush of relief that Buck wasn't going to spend his last hours on earth with all those machines and tubes between him and his wonderful family.

Then when we got word that he was gone, I was crying all over again, thinking of how much Katie must be hurting and how alone she must feel. Even though her family is there with her, after 30 years she must feel very alone without Buck. I thought of that most of the evening, how hard it would be for her to walk into the house and know that Buck isn't waiting for her inside. And all the mail and chores and things left undone that faced her when she got home. Life forces us to go on, to take care of the everyday when our world is in complete turmoil. It's such a crazy, nonsensical thing to be opening mail when the love of you life is gone but nonetheless, the mail must be opened.

When I finally fell into bed, I was instantly asleep and I slept hard - no dreams or sudden awakenings. This morning, I have puffy eyes and a sad feeling of sisterhood with Katie. I think all the women here feel it because it's something we must all be ready to face someday.

Thanks for starting this thread Laurie. And I'm glad our posts don't have to make sense because there's no rhyme or reason to life at times like these.


losing my husband was the hardest thing , i have ever done.
it took a lot of time, about three years to make sense of it all. sometimes i wonder if i will ever make sense of it.

you don't forget your loved one , you just don't live the death over and over like you do in the beginning.

kate has not begun the long journey as of yet she is caught up in chores, and arrangements to honor her husband. numbness is the order of the day. the real pain begins as she buries him.

let us hold out our collective hands and hearts to her. while i am sad, numb and crying, we can't begin to know the depth of pain than katie will go through.

don't try to be brave , kate. the process takes a while and you will need to confront it. just a little at a time, will be the best way .

we all love you

babe
 
Last edited:
I know this sentence is silly but please understand, I want to offer you something that is special to me. My favorite butter dish. It's beautiful


Lefse that sentence isn't silly at all. Actually your whole post was beautiful. And I'm sure Katie will thing so too when she sees it.
 
I went to Buck's profile, because I can't quite accept that us human beings can't do everything, when we've been led to believe all our lives, if we ______ enough, it will be so. And Yet I know this isn't so.​

But dang it, not this, dear Lord.
We weren't ready......................​
 
losing my husband was the hardest thing , i have ever done.
it took a lot of time, about three years to make sense of it all. sometimes i wonder if i will ever make sense of it.

you don't forget your loved one , you just don't live the death over and over like you do in the beginning.

kate has not begun the long journey as of yet she is caught up in chores, and arrangements to honor her husband. numbness is the order of the day. the real pain begins as she buries him.

let us hold out our collective hands and hearts to her. while i am sad, numb and crying, we can't begin to know the depth of pain than katie will go through.

don't try to be brave , kate. the process takes a while and you will need to confront it. just a little at a time, will be the best way .

we all love you

babe
Awww, Babe, I'm so grateful you are here. For all of the members who have gone through losing your spouse, I thank you for sharing how you get through it. I don't think it's something anyone can truly grasp unless you've been through it. Thankfully, I haven't been through this but as Buck's passing tells us, tomorrow isn't promised to any of us. (I know I've been hugging my loved ones a little tighter during this. It's another thing I can remember and appreciate about Buck.) Anyway, to you and Marge and Dave Hutchins and all the others who have walked this road before, thank you for helping Katie find her way, too.
 
I've been sad all day. I even came home, after all the running around with kids, and took a LONG nap. Something I NEVER do during the day. I feel heavy and down and can't help but to think of Katie and Buck's passing. I miss him even though I never met him personally. I got to know him through posts and knew he was a wonderful man. I am praying for you dear Katie. You have all of us at your service and as a shoulder to lean on. Please let me know how I can help you in any way I can.

DC members/administrators: Would you please forward me Katie's mailing address to send her a card and a small gift? Thanks.
 
In Blackwater Woods


Look, the trees
are turning
their own bodies
into pillars​



of light,
are giving off the rich
fragrance of cinnamon
and fulfillment,​



the long tapers
of cattails
are bursting and floating away over
the blue shoulders​



of the ponds,
and every pond,
no matter what its
name is, is​



nameless now.
Every year
everything
I have ever learned​



in my lifetime
leads back to this: the fires
and the black river of loss
whose other side​



is salvation,
whose meaning
none of us will ever know.
To live in this world​



you must be able
to do three things:
to love what is mortal;
to hold it​



against your bones knowing
your own life depends on it;
and, when the time comes to let it go,
to let it go.​



~ Mary Oliver ~



(American Primative)


The letting go is such a hard thing to do and yet your not really letting go because the loved one is always there beside you. God be with you Katie.
 
Back
Top Bottom