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Old 06-19-2008, 09:26 AM   #1
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Posting how I feel right now, after Buck's passing.

I've been in a daze over the last several days.
My heart feels very heavy and I am decidedly out of sorts.
I know the reason, I know why it's so heavy and I know that others in here are feeling sad and lonely and heavy hearted too.
I wanted to say that this has been a tremendous journey for me.
I have prayed over and over and over all day long for someone I never knew and his family that I never met.
I have suffered in silence, all the while smiling as usual to the occasional passerby, while my heart was saying prayers on behalf of this family.
I now feel as though God's perfect purpose was accomplished and that His will was done.
I sensed it coming [over the last part of our vacation] when my heart turned and I started thinking that maybe it was time. I didn't like the feeling [that I felt like that] but since putting it in Gods Hands, I had to accept His result.
I feel my heart sinking for Katie and her family. My thoughts are to put down here how we are all coping as we've gone through this with Katie over the last week.
I am crying and can not type or see now. I feel so sad and don't know what to do other than write and hope others feel like we should all band together and love each other now in our time of need.
My heart is happy for Buck that he is in heaven with his beloved felines and all is wonderful and full of peace and beauty there.
Let's all smile today and know that God is good and this family has all of our love and support.
Katie, I don't know you, I don't know your family and I didn't know Buck, but I want you to know that this whole thing has touched me deeply.
I will continue my tears for you and yours and continue with my prayers also. I know this sentence is silly but please understand, I want to offer you something that is special to me. My favorite butter dish. It's beautiful.


...Trials travel best when you're taking the transportation known as prayer...SLRC
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Old 06-19-2008, 09:58 AM   #2
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I feel dull. And looking at the posts on the forum about cooking and grilling and all that other stuff just does not seem to matter to me right now. None of that seems as important now. Everything has been put into perspective. Things that once seemed important, really are not. The only thing that is important is God and family. I think it is beautiful post LEFSElover... almost like a love song to Katie and Buck.

I have cried to, folks I have not met, but it still touches my heart and I am honored to have been able to converse with them and have them as friends. I cry to because it was not so long ago that my parents left me, and seeing what Katie is going through really brought that time in my life rushing back to me.

I was telling DH about Katie and Buck, and we both broke down in tears and we told each other that we LOVE YOU. Realizing how short life can be and knowing there may not be another opportunity to say something you should have been saying all along.

I do feel deep love for you Katie, and my heart, my prayers, my thoughts, and my spirit are with you. I know God has you cradled in his arms.

Thanks LEFSE for posting this.

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Old 06-19-2008, 10:17 AM   #3
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I've been feeling a bit like that as well Sattie, I couldn't face going through the posts this morning and have been the closest to tears I've been for several years. Even now, I was OK teaching today, but went all sad again when I came onto the forum.
"For to be free is not merely to cast off one's chains, but to live in a way that respects and enhances the freedom of others." - Nelson Mandela
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Old 06-19-2008, 10:20 AM   #4
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To tell the truth, I stayed away from DC for a few days. It was selfish I know but I just wanted to avoid the news that was coming from Katie.
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Old 06-19-2008, 10:50 AM   #5
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I feel really sad and tired. When I read Elf's post that they were unhooking the tubes to set Buck free, I just broke down crying. After every update that had worse and worse news, I think I was just getting more and more physically tense, thinking about poor Buck with all those awful tubes and tests and poor Katie having to watch her man go through this. When the tubes and the plugs were pulled, I felt a rush of intense sorrow that Katie would be losing her Buck and at the same time a rush of relief that Buck wasn't going to spend his last hours on earth with all those machines and tubes between him and his wonderful family.

Then when we got word that he was gone, I was crying all over again, thinking of how much Katie must be hurting and how alone she must feel. Even though her family is there with her, after 30 years she must feel very alone without Buck. I thought of that most of the evening, how hard it would be for her to walk into the house and know that Buck isn't waiting for her inside. And all the mail and chores and things left undone that faced her when she got home. Life forces us to go on, to take care of the everyday when our world is in complete turmoil. It's such a crazy, nonsensical thing to be opening mail when the love of you life is gone but nonetheless, the mail must be opened.

When I finally fell into bed, I was instantly asleep and I slept hard - no dreams or sudden awakenings. This morning, I have puffy eyes and a sad feeling of sisterhood with Katie. I think all the women here feel it because it's something we must all be ready to face someday.

Thanks for starting this thread Laurie. And I'm glad our posts don't have to make sense because there's no rhyme or reason to life at times like these.
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Old 06-19-2008, 10:52 AM   #6
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it is so hard to explain.

Though I only know Katie and Buck from here, I have corresponded with them on numerous occasions and always enjoyed Bucks critiques on my photography. Katie, is a fellow mod on the site so that makes us practically family(in an e kinda way). I know how much love they share, and what wonderful people they are...though I have never met either of them.

It is hard to explain to my S.O. that I am mourning the loss of a friend, whom I never had the chance to meet. It is hard to explain to my employees when they ask, "Chef, you ok?" and I simply say I am cool...maybe it isn't that it is difficult to explain, maybe I think it would be difficult for some one to understand.

this is affirmation to me, that the DC family ARE valued people in my life, whether I have met them or not. I am humbled by the sense of community, and the ability to see first hand, a board of total strangers, pull together for a common cause.

I feel for Katie. I know Katie is strong, and I can only hope that as time goes on, the dealings of the past week and such, will be replaced with the memories of the many happy years they shared together. I know that must hurt like a S.o.b., but I am sure that the thoughts invoked from such memories will soon pass from grief for loss of a loved one and partner, to fond memories that will make an ear to ear smile.

I am so sorry for what Katie has gone through, and for anyone that has loved and lost a true soulmate. I am relativly young(30)and have not had the dealings with a lott of loss, asides from a few chilhood friends, and my Grand parents, and that was tough. I can't imagine how Katie feels right now...it scares me.
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Old 06-19-2008, 10:54 AM   #7
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Awe, HUGS to you Fisher's Mom!! Now I got tears pouring again....
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Old 06-19-2008, 11:10 AM   #8
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I feel somehow empty...
I still can not imagine the whole thing, everything went so fast..
I can't imagine the loss Katie feels, but it must be so tremendously...

I surf the net, look here, look there, but there is not the joy I usually feel, many things just bore me or think don't they have other problems..
And while writing this, again tears come to my eyes, tears i cry for a person I never met and who somehow was important not only to me...
LiGruess cara ~~~ Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, wine in the other, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"
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Old 06-19-2008, 11:27 AM   #9
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I too have been in tears. I've been away from DC for so long, and the pit is sporadic, but its made my affection no less. I know that people like Buck and Katie are among those who have always welcomed me with open arms (keyboards?) and its like being wih old friends who you don't need to see every day to know you think and care about each other. Internet relationships are scary, in being careful not to reveal to much about the incidentals of security we can cut to the chase of what matters to us and who we are at our cores.

After reading the news I couldn't sleep last night and my cats were even more clingy than usual, as if they knew a cat lover had left us and people have asked me today why I'm crying and it can't convey how much you can care for people on an internet forum when you try and explain..

ETA: And now I can't seem to stay away wanting to be near you people who understand this emotion of care for great people. I don't want to go and share about food, but rather to be close to you who understand how I ache to hug Katie or help her in some practical way and how useless it feels to be doing anything other than that.
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Old 06-19-2008, 11:31 AM   #10
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I don't have Buck and Katies physical address. I am sending something and wonder [it's a package] if I should send elsewhere but I don't want anyone paying for shipping from their house to theirs.

What are others doing? I offered my offering and hope others will lift her up with theirs as well. Something special just for her, from those who love her.

...Trials travel best when you're taking the transportation known as prayer...SLRC
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