Southern Grits 101
HH sent this to me at work today, so I just had to share........
Because I am mostly a Yankee, even with ancestors, a parent, and a husband from the South, I cannot vouch for the accuracy of these statements. Get edu-macated, y'all.
SOUTHERN GRITS 101
How Grits are Formed
Grits are individually formed deep underground much like diamonds under intense heat and pressure. It takes over 1000 years to form a single Grit. Most of the world's grit mines are located in South Georgia, and are guarded day and night by armed guards and pit bull dawgs. Harvesting the Grit is a dangerous occupation, and many a Grit miner risk losing their lives each year so that the Grits can continue to be served morning after morning for breakfast (not that having Grits for lunch and dinner is out of the question).
Yankees have attempted to create a synthetic Grit. They call them Cream of Wheat. As far as we can tell, the key ingredients of Cream of Wheat are Elmer's Glue and shredded styrofoam. These synthetic grits have also been shown to cause nausea, make you talk funny, and may leave you unable to have normal children.
History of Grits
As we mentioned earlier, the first known mention of the Grits was by the Ancient Israelites in the Sinai Desert . After that, any reference to Grits was not heard from for another 1000 years. Experts feel that the Grits was used during this time only during secret religious ceremonies, and was kept from the public due to its rarity.
The next mention of the Grits was found amidst the ruins of the ancient city of Pompeii in a woman's personal diary. The woman's name was Herculaneum Jemimaneus (Aunt Jemima to her friends.)
The 10 Shalt Commandments of Grits
I. Thou shalt not put syrup on thy Grits
II. Thou shalt not eat thy Grits with a spoon or knife
III. Thou shalt not eat Cream of Wheat and call it Grits, for this is blasphemy
IV. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s Grits
V. Thou shalt use only Salt, Butter, and red eye gravy as toppings for thy Grits
VI. Thou shalt not ever partake of Instant Grits
VII. Thou shalt not ever put ketchup on thy Grits
VIII. Thou shalt not ever put margarine on thy Grits.
IX. Thou shalt not eat toast with thy Grits, only biscuits made from scratch .
X. Thou shalt eat grits on the Sabbath for this is manna from heaven.
AND … never run out of grits … just add water and stir
How to Cook Grits
For one serving of Grits: Boil 1.5 cups of water with salt and a little butter. Add 5 TBsp of Grits. Reduce to a simmer, stir and allow the Grits to soak and expand. When a pencil stuck into the grits stands alone, it is done. That's all there is to cooking grits.
How to make red eye gravy
Fry salt cured country ham in cast iron pan. Remove the ham when done and add coffee to the gravy and simmer for several minutes. Awesome on grits and biscuits.
How to Eat Grits
Immediately after removing your grits from the stove top, add a generous portion of butter or red eye gravy. (WARNING: Do NOT use low-fat butter.) The butter should cause the Grits to turn a wondrous shade of yellow. (Hold a banana or a yellow rain slicker next to your Grits; if the colors match, you have the correct amount of butter.)
In lieu of butter, pour a generous helping of red eye gravy on your grits. Be sure to pour enough to have some left for sopping up with your biscuits. Never, ever substitute canned or store bought biscuits for the real thing because they caused cancer, rotten teeth and impotence. If you are frying fish, it is customary to add plenty of sharp cheddar cheese to your grits and serve as the side along with beer hushpuppies.
Next, add salt. (NOTICE: The correct ration of Grit to Salt is 10:1 Therefore for every 10 grits, you should have 1 grain of salt.)
How to eat your grits
Proper southern etiquette dictates that you always use a fork, never a spoon, to eat Grits. Your grits should be thick enough so they do not run through the tines of the fork.
The correct beverage to serve with Grits is black coffee. (DO NOT use cream or, heaven forbid, Skim Milk.) Caution: Your grits should never be eaten in a bowl because Yankees will think its Cream of Wheat.
Ways to Eat Leftover Grits: (Leftover grits are extremely rare; however,)
Paula’s “Better-Than-Sex” Re-Fried Grits
Spread them in the bottom of a casserole dish and add shredded cheese
Cover and place them in the refrigerator overnight. (The Grits will congeal into a gelatinous mass). Next morning, slice the Grits into squares and fry them in 1/2' of cooking oil and butter until they turn a golden brown.
Note: Many people are tempted to pour syrup onto Grits served this way. This is, of course, totally unacceptable unless it is 100% pure southern sugarcane syrup.
BLESSING BEFORE SERVING GRITS
May the lord bless these grits,
May no Yankee ever get the recipe,
May we enjoy grits every day of our lives,
Kool Aid - Think before you drink.