Sticky (advice for someone in a bad marriage)

[Snip 13]

Hi everyone. If you were asked advice by someone that has been in a verbally abusive relationship for some time now what would you say?
Here's the story. She met this man 6 yrs ago and he's got a really bad temper. Will tell her to pack her bags and get out often over things like answering in the wrong tone of voice or accidently shutting a car door a bit too hard. Swear and scream in front of the children calling her names and saying horrible things that I can't even repeat on DC. Wishing her dead etc.
She's married to him now and has quit her job to be a stay at home mom at his request. He always changes his mind again and asks her to stay but it always happens again.
She is in a foreign country now and will have to find work and a place to live before she can do anything about it but would you say get out?
He has recently told her again that he hates her and only got her to quit her job to ensure that she has nowhere to go when he kicks her out.

 

[Zhizara]

If you're the one trying to help, make some phone calls to find a Women's Shelter for her.

 

[Snip 13]

There are no real shelters or places for women to go here. Verbal abuse also gets ignored since there is no actual violence involved. What does someone in this situation do? Can't leave without being able to financially support her children and staying is destroying her.

 

[Barbara L]

Does she have family that could help?

I am praying for her.

 

[Snip 13]

Her family has suffered some financial crisis recently since her father and mother were working for her brother in law who has gone bankrupt they are both out of work at the moment and won't be able to help financially.
Her mom si going to live with her brother who can only look after one extra person since his fiance is expecting a new baby and her dad is barely getting by as is.
So she doesn't have anyone that can help, she will just have to find a way to get back to her own country and get work some how.
Her daughter has also asked her if they can please move out because the fighting makes her sad and her son is starting to behave like his dad since he looks up to him and thinks what daddy does must be right.

 

[Snip 13]

Thank you for the support, just knowing that others also feel that this kind of treatment is not acceptable helps.

 

[CWS4322]

Has she talked to anyone at the embassy of her home country? Perhaps they can put her in touch with some agencies that could help her get out of the country and back home. Does she have friends/family (extended--cousins, aunts, uncles) that could help her out with a place to stay if she can out of the country? Living in a foreign country, depending on s/one else, puts a person in a very vulnerable position. That is why when I married my DH and moved to Canada, I insisted that one of the terms of our marriage was that I would always be in control of my own money. The other was that if things didn't work out, he would provide me with a set amount of money to move back home. We don't share finances at all. In hindsight, bad move on my part--he retired at the age of 38--and when my partnership with my business partner turned sour, he didn't help me out re: paying the legal bills--my problem. We also have houses in our own names. We only co-own one of the three houses we own. It works for us.

 

[Snip 13]

She will only be able to get out if she can find employment since if she goes back to her country there is nowhere for her to live. Finding work while your in a different country is difficult so I guess hanging in there till an opportunity arises is her only option. She can't fight him legally to get financial help from him even though they are married in community of property unless she can afford a lawyer and state help here is useless at best.
Getting child support from your husband is not easy here so it's a bit of a tough one.

 

[CWS4322]

I would think the Embassy for her home country could put her in touch with an agency that could help--perhaps she could get on with an agency that links up nannies with people. That way, she'd have a place to live for a year. I think most nanny visas are for 1 year.

 

[Snip 13]

I would think the Embassy for her home country could put her in touch with an agency that could help--perhaps she could get on with an agency that links up nannies with people. That way, she'd have a place to live for a year. I think most nanny visas are for 1 year.

Thank you, I'll look into the Nanny visa thing.

 

[CWS4322]

Or, maybe one of the international agencies/charities providing assistance in the area could put her in touch with an agency/organization/charity that could help. This is not an uncommon problem.

 

[Snip 13]

Thanks for the advice CW, I'll find out what I can.

 

[Snip 13]

One question, her Husband would more than likely turn around and say he didn't say or do anything and he will look after her and her kids. What would happen if she looked for help and he pretended nothing was wrong? He's done this before

 

[jabbur]

Not knowing where she is and what the culture and legalities are there it is hard to predict what would happen if he denied the situation. I would think unless she seeks some legal action against him, it wouldn't make a difference what he said. If she wants to leave, she should find a way to make that happen as soon as possible. The longer she waits, the harder it will be and the greater chance of long term damage to herself and her children.

 

[Snip 13]

Not knowing where she is and what the culture and legalities are there it is hard to predict what would happen if he denied the situation. I would think unless she seeks some legal action against him, it wouldn't make a difference what he said. If she wants to leave, she should find a way to make that happen as soon as possible. The longer she waits, the harder it will be and the greater chance of long term damage to herself and her children.

I agree, just hope she can find a way out soon! Thanks for the advice.

 

[EatLoveMove]

Has she talked to anyone at the embassy of her home country? Perhaps they can put her in touch with some agencies that could help her get out of the country and back home. Does she have friends/family (extended--cousins, aunts, uncles) that could help her out with a place to stay if she can out of the country? Living in a foreign country, depending on s/one else, puts a person in a very vulnerable position. That is why when I married my DH and moved to Canada, I insisted that one of the terms of our marriage was that I would always be in control of my own money. The other was that if things didn't work out, he would provide me with a set amount of money to move back home. We don't share finances at all. In hindsight, bad move on my part--he retired at the age of 38--and when my partnership with my business partner turned sour, he didn't help me out re: paying the legal bills--my problem. We also have houses in our own names. We only co-own one of the three houses we own. It works for us.

Thanks for sharing that.

 

[jabbur]

I've been thinking about this all weekend. I want to pass along a website. While it is US based, I think a lot of the advice on here may be helpful. They have a section on how to help a friend in an abusive relationship as well. Even if your friend can't use it, you may be able to get some advice on how to help her.

National Domestic Violence Hotline

 

[Snip 13]

I've been thinking about this all weekend. I want to pass along a website. While it is US based, I think a lot of the advice on here may be helpful. They have a section on how to help a friend in an abusive relationship as well. Even if your friend can't use it, you may be able to get some advice on how to help her.

National Domestic Violence Hotline

Thank you!

 

[babetoo]

snip, you can certainly support your friend. however until where she is so intolerable, that the unknown will not seem so scary, nothing will change. i have had friends in same situation but they had to make the move and i could only lend support. beware of being in the middle. she may stay and then blame you for the turmoil.