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Old 01-08-2008, 03:11 PM   #1
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Texas Chili Cook Off

My brother just sent me this..... I laughed for 20 minutes.

For those of you who have lived in Texas , you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook Off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park .

Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili Taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield , IL Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
************************************************** ***
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy ****, what the **** is this stuff?
You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two
beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one.
These Texans are crazy.
************************************************** ***
CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be
taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not
sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave
off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver.
They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my
face.
************************************************** ***
CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My
nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the
routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid
pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part
of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all of the beer.
************************************************** ***

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice.
Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish
for fish or other mild foods not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but
was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds?
Sally, the beermaid, was standing behind me with fresh
refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT. just like
this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
************************************************** ***
CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly
ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato.
Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my
forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four
people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed
offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain
damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer
directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my
lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked
me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
************************************************** ***
CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good
balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions,
and garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous, sulfuric flames. I **** on myself when I farted and
I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems
inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my
lips anymore. I need to wipe my *** with a snow cone.
************************************************** ***
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in
a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take
note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a
bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the
pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye,
and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My
shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my
mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least
during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided
to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through
the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
************************************************** ***
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili.
Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili.
Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost
when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the
chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to
make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really
hot chili?

Judge # 3 - No Report

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Old 01-08-2008, 05:03 PM   #2
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Fabulous. Absolutely fabulous.
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Old 01-08-2008, 06:18 PM   #3
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This made me laugh. I spent my early years in IL., the offspring of Scandinavian parents. I've lived in several states, as have many others.

Texas chili would have had the same effect on me as it did your third judge, Frank.

Boy, have my tastes changed! Next month I'm judging a cookoff. There are different categories - chili, ribs, chicken, desserts. I always choose the "open", food that doesn't fit in categories. Usually, because we're near the Gulf of Mexico, it's seafood. Now and then it's cabrito (goat). The judges do not tell us what it is, nor what is in it.

To all you other foodies, if you can, volunteer to judge - a county fair - a cookoff - whatever is held in your community. It's fun!

We only get bottled water and a few soda crackers. Maybe I should move to San Antonio. LOL
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Old 01-08-2008, 09:12 PM   #4
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My brother-in-law is an entry in the San Antonio cook off and they drink a ton of beer.

DH and I always go for moral support and I’m always the designated driver I hate beer and wouldn’t touch it with a ten foot pole. To tell you the truth I wouldn't touch the chili either.

They also have other food like ribs and brisket... I go for that.
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Old 01-09-2008, 10:35 AM   #5
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I just disturbed my husbands' daily drive to work.
I am crying.
He asked what's wrong.
I told him I'm sending him something that is causing major laughter.
Gave him instructions that when he has two minutes of down time, it's time to read this and weep.
This is hysterical.
Thanks for sending this along.
Believe me, I needed a good laugh.
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Old 01-09-2008, 11:18 AM   #6
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This morning I got recruited for another category - ribs. I've never judged ribs before and am not sure I can do justice to the competitors.

There is also a lot of beer at the cookoff. Teams may access it. I've never seen any of the judges drinking, although it doesn't mean they don't.

My drink is wine. Hmmm, anyone know of a good wine/rib pairing? LOL
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Old 01-09-2008, 11:31 AM   #7
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I think I've solved my own wine problem. A flask of Thunderbird seems appropriate!
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