The Top Ten
The Top 10 Reasons Americans are Overweight:
10. Hey, we get 80 channels of great American TV 24 hours a day,
there's no time to exercise!
9. "Girl Scout Cookie Dough" gets better tasting every year.
8. The colossal failure of "Salad King" drive-thru chain.
7. Doing it just to spite Richard Simmons.
6. Addition of a diet soda does NOT mean your triple bacon
cheeseburger/chili fries combo is a healthy meal.
5. Americans still unconvinced that it's not really butter.
4. Part of our country's defense strategy:
Asses too large to be kicked.
3. Slim Fast shakes taste much better with a scoop of
Ben & Jerry's in 'em.
2. One word: Sprinkles
... and the Number 1 Reason Americans are Overweight:
1. "Did somebody say McDonald's?"
The Top 10 Least-Used Kitchen Appliances:
9. Doorless Microwave
8. Electric Combination
7. Glock 9mm Drive-By Salad Shooter
6. Cat Compactor
5. Betty Crocker "EZ" Crystal Meth Cooker
4. Baby's First Microwave
3. Ronco Ice Cream Steamer
2. Popeil's Turkey Baster/Home Enema Kit
... and the Number 1 Least-Used Kitchen Appliance:
1. Frozen Squidsickle Maker
Our Top Ten Rejected Cookbook Titles:
10. Getting Even: Hillary's High-Fat Cookbook
9. Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwiches for Dummies
8. Bob Vila's Sawdust Cuisine
7. Granny Clampett's "Yer Throwin' Away the Best Parts!" Entrees
6. Mud, Sticks, and Leaves: Cooking with a Four Year Old
5. Cooking with Condiments - An Apartment Dweller's Guide to
Making Something Out of Nothing
4. 101 Ways to Wok Your Dog
3. Everything's Yogurt... Eventually!
2. Lions and Tigers and Beets, Oh My!
... and the Number 1 Rejected Cookbook Title:
1. Newman's Stone: Cooking for Older Gall Bladders
The Top 10 Rejected Planet Hollywood Appetizers:
10. Die Hard Twice-Boiled Lobster
9. Forrest Gumbo
8. Jerry Springer Rolls
7. Demi S'Moores
6. Martin Short Ribs
5. The Meat Formerly Known as Loaf
4. A Fish Called Sushi
2. O.J.'s "Real Killer" Chili
... and the Number 1 Rejected Planet Hollywood Appetizer:
1. Arnold's "It'll Be Back" Bean Soup