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Old 10-19-2006, 09:34 PM   #11
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pds & carolaine have the right answer!

I'd tell him that he is responsible for his own grades, and that you won't be hawking him anymore. You can also let him know that if his grades don't measure up, when he is 18, he'll need to find his own appartment, and that he'll need to have a job, as rent & bills can be high.
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Old 10-19-2006, 10:24 PM   #12
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Ultimately YOU can't make him do his homework. You can however offer incentives for work done well and on time, and offer consequences for work NOT done well and on time. Simple as that.

Please, if I may suggest it, do NOT make homework time your one on one time with your teen. Pick something like a games night or a walk or something like that where there is no other focus when you spend time together. Homework is his JOB and he needs to learn the responsibility for it himself.

Know that we are here to support you and help you out. Its a TOUGH spot you are in and many of us know it well.
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Old 10-20-2006, 01:17 PM   #13
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I just wanted to tell you that I was a terrible teen and often did not do homework....although my exam results were good. For example, I did not do any of the course work for my maths GCSE, and it formed 30% of my mark....so I got 70%. No one got on my case about it.....my school did not really care as my grades were good, and my parents said it was up to me. If they had sat with me I think I would have done it diligently.....but they did not have time.

Ultimately it was my choice and perhaps those years of no homework were valuable in a differnt way: by the time I was in final year of my undergrad degree I was doing EVERYBODY's homework, lol, even people taking other subjects, and I was awarded a scholarship for my postgrad work in my second year as an undergrad as I was so dedicated to my work....it just took me a while to get enthused about it. Perhaps your son is the same?

I think it depends on you and your kid what you decide to do
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Old 10-20-2006, 01:42 PM   #14
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Thank you to everyone for all of the help and great advice. I think I might try the incentive idea. Taking things from him just makes him angry and defiant which basically defeats my purpose. I have to say that I don't think I should have to offer incentives to a 16 year old but then whatever works, right?
I have told him that he is responsible for himself and his own work but then I get the phone calls or emails from the teacher.
It makes me feel like they think I don't care, which is the farthest thing from the truth. They all say he's bright, he can handle the work. He just doesn't put enough effort into his homework. It makes me crazy.
My older son was different. He'd come to me for help with projects and homework. My youngest is highly independent and won't let me help him.
Thanks again for your help, and support, you guys are great. I'm hoping that like lulu, he comes around on his own eventually. I just hope he doesn't flunk out before he gets there!
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Old 10-20-2006, 01:47 PM   #15
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RMS, good for you! I don't think his teachers think that about you, they are just looking for some support too. Make sure you communicate with them what you are going to do to motivate him and they will appreciate that.

As for not implementing consequences because he gets angry and defiant, well, thats sort of how it goes with every teen. I work with teens who have serious behaviour problems and believe me when I tell you there must be a consequence that MATTERS to them if they don't complete an assignment. The perks need to be good too, but they need to see both ends of the spectrum.

Hang in there! We've had to go so far as to remove everything from a teen's life to get them to start working. (Bare bedroom, nothing fun allowed) BUT having said that, the moment they do something there needs to be a reward. Do something positive=get fun stuff back. He will get it together, he has a good parent who cares!
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Old 10-20-2006, 01:53 PM   #16
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It almost sounds like your son is bored with the homework (it is not challenging enough or doesn't catch his interest) and doesn't feel that it is worth his time to do. Both of my daughters went through the same thing in high school. Incentives can work as can understanding parents and at least one or two teachers. There were consequences if they did not do their work and both girls understood that it was on them if they did not get to do things because of them slacking. With one daughter (she is still into music big time) it was us following through on new CDs as a reward and the teacher having her do extra projects that they knew would pique her interest. The other daughter; it was helping her more with her photography interests as a reward.
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Old 10-20-2006, 01:53 PM   #17
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Thanks Alix
There is a consequence attached to this whole thing. If he doesn't pass enough of his classes, he's not allowed to drive. The school works with the DMV here on that one. He usually pulls through at the end and just passes. I get mad because I know he can do so much better. Maybe I will have to make it a house rule that if he doesn't do the homework, he can't drive. (He's still learning)

PS: I love Terry Pratchett!
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Old 10-20-2006, 01:54 PM   #18
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At 16 he has already formed his basic value system. You do not have much choice about it at this point.
You can be meaner, harder, more powerful and it may be successful- but it will cost you. You can be less directive, more accomodating and passive, etc. but it may cost him and will increase your guilt if he fails.

Tough choice... Of course a lot of your decision depends on the whole family dynamic-pinpoint strategy seldom works- wholistic is better...

All other things being equal- try talking to him (as an adult) and letting him be in charge of things- but make a contract to look at the outcome variables- like grades and feedback from teachers. Then stand back, but look at the agreed upon contract together as scheduled. See what happens.

If things get better- you both win. If they get worse... well that's another story.
Good luck
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Old 10-20-2006, 01:59 PM   #19
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Shunka, he is bored with most of the work. He loves cars and motors and anything that has a motor. Ask him anything about any year car and he can tell you. Give him a math assignment and he wants to fall asleep. He likes writing but not the things they usually want him to write.

Hopz, I like your idea. I could include an incentive in the contract to make it worth his while.

You guys are all so smart and helpful! Thank you all again!
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Old 10-20-2006, 03:19 PM   #20
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RMS
Thanks Alix
There is a consequence attached to this whole thing. If he doesn't pass enough of his classes, he's not allowed to drive. The school works with the DMV here on that one. He usually pulls through at the end and just passes. I get mad because I know he can do so much better. Maybe I will have to make it a house rule that if he doesn't do the homework, he can't drive. (He's still learning)

PS: I love Terry Pratchett!
Oh perfect! There isn't a much better consequence than not driving for a teenager! WOOHOO!
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